by Nicola Haken
“They’re none of your fucking business,” I growled.
“You did those, didn’t you?” he asked, his tone laced with tenderness. “Why’d you do that, Ryder?”
“I don’t need or want your pity.”
“And you don’t have it. I don’t pity you, Ryder, I want to help you.”
“You can’t.”
“Let me try.”
“No.”
An uncomfortable silence followed. I refused to look at Mason but I could feel him watching me. I could feel the heat of his gaze on my skin and hear the shallow breaths of panic coming from his mouth.
“That night… you didn’t piss me off,” he said, breaking the unbearable calm. “You…told me something.”
“Yeah?” I sighed, trying to sound disinterested. I just wanted him to leave. I needed to be alone, take myself to bed and cry until my body passed out from exhaustion.
“You told me that you were raped.” Mason’s voice cracked and every nerve in my body trembled as goosebumps mottled my skin.
“I was drunk. People talk shit when they’re drunk.”
“No, Ry. People brag, they exaggerate, they make a fool of themselves… they don’t say something as serious as that.” I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. Why the fuck would I have said that? To Mason? Someone I’d known less than a couple of months. “I know you were wasted, but I think you told me because you wanted me to know.”
“Bullshit. If that were true I’d remember it.”
“So you’re saying you weren’t raped?”
“Stop saying that word,” I insisted, scratching at the skin on my arms. My flesh itched from the inside, my mouth dried out and I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.
“Have you ever told anyone?”
I shook my head, my eyes burning from the unshed tears that couldn’t find the courage to fall.
“That’s why I can’t do this. I can’t let someone love me. To love is to have control. I can’t let anyone have that power over me again. I won’t.”
“That’s not what love is, Ryder.”
“He loved me.”
“He didn’t,” Mason said without hesitation. “Someone who could take away someone’s free will like that isn’t capable of love.”
“But everything he said is true.” I mentally told myself to stop talking, that sharing this would only lead to more pain, more shame…but I couldn’t stop. Words kept tumbling from my mouth without my consent. “When I start feeling, when I start getting close, I remember. He told me I would and he was right. He told me love makes you weak, that you can’t control it, that the other person holds all the power and he was fucking right! The fact I even told you any of this shit proves that. I didn’t want to tell you, but I did anyway because you’ve done something to me that makes me unable to keep my guard up. Power. You’ve got it over me. You’ve got it and it frightens the ever living shit out of me, Mason!”
“Who did this to you, Ryder?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I sighed, shaking my head. “It was a long time ago.”
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen.”
“Holy shit,” he whispered. “And he’s still out there? What if he’s still doing this to other people?”
“He’s not,” I assured him. “He died a year later. Dropped dead at work. Heart attack.”
“You said he loved you, so you knew him?
Mason was pushing me and I couldn’t get my head around the fact that instead of wanting to punch him in the face, I actually craved his questions. Each answer I gave bled out a little more of the pain faster than any cut, any joint or shot of alcohol. Now my only worry was, once he knew who I really was, once he discovered how weak I really was, would he stay around or run away as fast as his feet would allow.
“He was a family friend. A police commissioner. My dad is pretty high up in the world of politics and Frank, that was his name, was one of his closest friends, an ally in all his dodgy political dealings. I’d known him since I was born, grew up with him around the family table.”
“So what happened? Why did he…” Mason trailed off, inhaling a deep breath.
“I came out to my parents a couple of weeks before. They weren’t happy. I think disgusted is putting it mildly. Frank came round to the house one day while my parents were on one of their frequent trips to parliament. Told me he knew about me. Told me I couldn’t know for sure unless I’d been with a guy. He creeped me out, but I thought it was just his way of trying to talk me out of being gay, trying to get me to change my mind and stop ‘shaming’ my parents.
“I offered him tea. He asked for something stronger so I raided my dad’s whiskey cabinet. He took his jacket off and loosened his tie and I remember feeling uncomfortable with that. He looked like he was getting settled to stay a while longer and I was embarrassed and just wanted him to leave. We talked about school for a while, I told him my dream of going to college to study culinary arts, and then he started asking why I was attracted to boys.
“He wanted to know what I liked about them, what made them attractive. Then he started asking if I thought about them when I was jerking off and what I imagined them doing to me. I was a fucking kid, I didn’t know what to say so I just shrugged. Then he…he…”
“You don’t have to do this, Ryder. If you’re not ready you-”
“No, I want to. If I don’t finish now then I’m afraid I never will and I… I need to. I want you to know this. I want you to know who I am.” Mason nodded, placing his hand tentatively on top of mine. “He came over to the couch where I was sitting, sat down right next to me so our knees were touching. I tried to scoot away but he grabbed onto my knee and told me to relax. Then he started talking in a way that terrified me. Started asking if I’d ever touched another man and asked me if I wanted to. My heart was racing, like so fucking fast I thought I was gonna die. Then he…he took hold of my hand and put it on his crotch. I tried to pull away but he held on so tight I swear my fingers would’ve broken if I’d moved them.”
My eyes closed involuntarily, forcing me back to that place.
“I could feel him growing hard through his pants and I felt so fucking sick. I tried to plan how I would take him out while he carried on talking but I was terrified I wouldn’t be strong enough. And I was right. He was so big. Like six feet five, built like a brick shit house. He had me pinned down on my stomach before I could scream. He was so heavy. I remember that so vividly, the feel of him on my back. So heavy I gasped for air. I grabbed onto the fibres of the carpet, trying to get some leverage to pull myself from under him but either my grip was too weak or the carpet was too short.
“While he was…doing it, he told me he loved me. Said I was like one of his own children. He asked me if I loved him too and because I was petrified of what else he might do if I said no, I nodded. That’s when he said because he loved me that meant he had the control. When someone loves you, you owe it to them to give them what they want. Reward them for caring.
“When he’d finished he asked if I enjoyed it. Said the blood on his cock suggested that I didn’t. At that point I was numb. I didn’t know if he wanted the truth or what might happen if I told it, but I shook my head anyway…and he smiled. ‘Well that’s what being a queer entails’ he said. ‘Maybe you should rethink your choice’. I didn’t understand. Minutes before he said he loved me, and now he was making me feel dirty and shameful for believing I was gay. Either way, I didn’t understand what love was, I still don’t, but I knew in that very second I’d never risk finding out.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell anyone?” he sounded frustrated, but only for a second before his fingers melted around mine. “He had no right to do that to you, to do this to you,” he added, motioning his free hand over my trembling body.
“No one would’ve believed me. It was my word against his. A kid who’d been acting up because he was ‘confused’, according to my parents, and a senior police commissioner. Even if someone had believed m
e, my father wouldn’t have allowed it to go any further. He was running for leader of his political party, he wouldn’t have let me ruin that.”
“You wouldn’t have ruined anything. This was all on him don’t you dare blame yourself.”
“I could’ve stopped it. I knew deep down where it was leading when he started talking to me the way he did. I should’ve ran away.”
“You were afraid. You were a kid for Christ’s sake! He was a fully grown man, you didn’t stand a chance.”
“Are you going to leave now?”
“Why would I do that?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.
“Because you know the truth. You know I’m…ruined.”
“Ryder look at me,” he ordered, cupping my face with his hands and turning my head so I was forced to face him. “You are not ruined. You are strong, and beautiful, and I’ve never wanted to stay here with you more.” Dropping his hands from my face he clasped my hands on top of his knees. “But, can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer.”
“Um, sure.”
“When you cut, does it make you feel better? Like you’re, I don’t know, releasing some of the pressure?”
“Yes,” I breathed, my face flushing with shame.
“And talking to me just now, did that make you feel better?”
“Yes,” I answered truthfully.
“Then promise me if you ever get the urge to do that again, if this pain you feel inside gets so bad you need to get it out, talk to me instead.”
“I can’t promise that, Mase. Sometimes it’s just too strong. Like a craving that won’t go away until I’ve succumbed to it.”
“Then promise to try. Please, Ryder. You’ve come further in this past hour than I think you’ve ever come in your life. Don’t stop now. Let me help you. Let me in.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what any of this means. You. I don’t know what you mean. Why do I trust you?”
“Because you want to. And because you deserve to. I don’t want to control you, Ryder. I don’t want or need any power over you. I want us to just be…us. Friends. Lovers. Equal.”
“Will you stay here tonight? In your own room if you want. I just want to know you’re close.”
I sighed contentedly, feeling lighter than I’d ever felt in my life. I’d done it. I’d told someone. Not just someone, but Mason. I still didn’t know what love was but I imagined if I wanted to try and find out with anyone it would be him.
“Of course I will. I know I’m probably pushing you right now, and again if it’s too much just tell me, but…the porn. Considering what happened to you, why would you… I mean how…”
“Because I could. I could do it with the knowledge it was my choice. I held the power. I got to choose who, when and where. I do it because every time I fuck someone it feels like a victory, like a spit in his face.”
“Fuck I wish you didn’t have to feel like that,” he replied, sighing and shaking his head. I knew what he was thinking, I could tell by the desolate look in his eyes.
“I didn’t when I was with you.”
“You don’t have to say that. This isn’t about me.”
“But it’s the truth. I wanted you that night. I needed you. And afterwards, you were all I could think about. Not him. But I’d be lying if I said that didn’t scare the shit out of me. I didn’t understand why. I’ve never, I mean no one has ever affected me the way you do, and that still scares me. But, in answer to your question, yes. I promise to try.”
“You’re all kinds of incredible, you know that right?”
Like a teenage bloody girl, I smiled bashfully, unable to believe him but knowing he wouldn’t accept it if I disagreed right now.
“Where do we go from here, Mason?”
“We order a pizza. We watch shit movies on Netflix and we take each day as it comes. Sound like a plan?”
“Yeah,” I said, summoning a genuine smile. “I’ll order the pizza, you find a movie.”
“Sure. I’ll take mine with extra peppers and no M&M’s.”
I laughed at the memory that burst into my mind. I wanted that back so badly – to have fun, to relax with him, be great friends, maybe even more than that. Actually, definitely more than friends. I just didn’t know if that was even possible.
Chapter Nine
~Mason~
A few hours after Ryder’s heart breaking revelation he fell asleep with his head on my lap. We were on our third movie of the night when he must’ve passed out from exhaustion. Knowing he couldn’t see me, I watched him sleep. His face was beautiful, so peaceful and free from the lines of burden that usually circle his eyes. I traced the outline of the skull inked onto his neck with my thumb, feeling soothed by the steady rhythm of his pulse beneath my touch. Then I bent down slowly, gently kissing the top of his head before trying to dislodge myself from his body without waking him.
I didn’t want to leave him but he’d been lying on me for so long my legs were turning numb. Also, I was restless. Anger forced my muscles to twitch, making me unable to settle. A soft moan left Ryder’s mouth when I carefully raised myself off the couch but he didn’t wake fully. After heading to his bedroom and grabbing the comforter off his bed I returned and loosely covered him with it. Then after using the bathroom and deciding I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, I left the apartment and took off for a run.
All I could see when I set off into a fast sprint was Ryder’s face. His eyes were haunted and dark, swollen with tears threatening to burst their banks at any moment. I’d never seen anyone look so fragile, so broken before in my life and it made me wonder if he had that same look when that disgusting excuse of a man brutally stole his essence from him. I found myself pondering what he looked like, what was going through his sick and twisted mind when he did that to a child. I hated him and I hated that he was dead. Death offered more peace than a sick fuck like that deserved.
I wasn’t wearing my running shoes but still I ran until I could feel blisters beginning to form on the soles of my feet. I ran until the image of Ryder’s face faded, replaced by the need to stop and breathe but I didn’t – not right away. If I stopped his face would reappear and that wasn’t how I wanted to picture him. I wanted to see him with that mischievous glint in his eye he had the first time we met, with the cheeky smile that illuminated his whole face. And I would see that again. I didn’t know how I was going to help him through this, but I knew somehow I would – whatever it took.
My pace slowed as I made my way back to Ryder’s apartment, the burn in my feet rendering me unable to go any faster. If I said I wasn’t nervous about seeing him again when he woke I’d be lying. I was terrified of seeing that look in his troubled eyes again. Not because I couldn’t handle it, but because I couldn’t take it away. I didn’t know what I would say to him, what I should say to him. I was just a regular guy, a nobody. Surely Ryder needed a therapist, some sort of counseling. Could I offer him what he needed? I didn’t know, but I knew I had to try.
My mind wandered back to the beginning of our conversation earlier, when I told him I didn’t understand our connection but there was no denying it was there. How was it possible I already felt such an intense pull towards him after just a few months? Jogging the last few blocks I thought about it more and more, and that was when I realized Ryder was the first person I’d ever had the opportunity to get close to. I’d never had the time or inclination for friends, too busy caring for my mom. Did that mean this was ‘first love’? An infatuation? A crush?
No.
No I knew that couldn’t be the case, because whenever I pictured my future the only other person I saw there was Ryder Richardson.
When I got back to Ryder’s apartment he was missing from the couch, the comforter tossed carelessly on the floor. Taking my shoes off and placing them neatly by the door, I wondered where he’d gone, until I saw him emerge from the bathroom. His eyes were swollen, his skin pale. He looked exhausted. Broken.
“You came back?” he sai
d, stopping when he saw me. He ran his tense fingers through his dark messy hair and although I couldn’t hear him breathing, I could see the harsh rise and fall of his bare chest.
“I just went for a run. I didn’t think you’d wake up before I got back,” I assured him, walking slowly over to where he stood. Placing tender hands on each of his shoulders I locked my gaze with his. “I told you I’d stay. I meant it.”
“I just thought…”
“Well don’t think. In fact I’m banning you from thinking unless you’re with me,” I said with a teasing smile.
“Yeah, I’m not quite sure that’s gonna work,” he laughed. It was only faint but it was genuine, and it warmed my heart.
“But you’re okay?” I pressed, turning the conversation serious. “You weren’t… doing stuff in there?” I stuttered nervously, out of my depth.
“I didn’t cut myself if that’s what you’re asking,” he deadpanned.
“I’m sorry, Ry. This is new to me. It’s something I don’t quite understand, but I’m trying.”
“I know. But it’s not something I do every couple of hours or something. You can trust me to be on my own.”
“Well that’s not true,” I said with humor in my tone. “You’ve been an asshole without me.” I winked at him and he smiled. Smiling, I took my hands from his shoulders and walked away. “I should go to bed,” I added, walking to the kitchen area for a glass of water. “It’s been an eventful day.”
“Sleep with me tonight.”
My dick twitched in my pants but I mentally told it to pipe the fuck down. Of course the thought of being with Ryder, almost naked in a bed, made me hard. I wanted him like I’d never wanted anyone before, but I wouldn’t allow myself to be with him that way right now. His head was confused, his heart broken. Next time I so much as kissed Ryder I wanted the only thing on his mind to be me.
