by Nicola Haken
“Just to sleep. Nothing more,” Ryder added, obviously noting my hesitance. “I just don’t want to be alone right now.”
“Then you won’t be.” Ryder smiled awkwardly as if he were embarrassed. I didn’t know how to take that away from him so instead I drank my water and decided if we started talking in bed, words would come naturally. At least I hoped they would. “I’ll just take a shower. Go and wait for me in bed.”
I needed a shower for more than just to clean myself and relieve my aching feet. I needed to compose myself, gather up enough courage to not go into Ryder’s room, take hold of him and sob all the pain I felt for him out into his arms. I could do this. I could be strong for him. I knew I was capable, I’d done it for so long for my mom. I just didn’t think, or rather selfishly I hoped, I’d never have to do it again.
After drying myself off and raking a comb through my hair I walked apprehensively into Ryder’s room with a towel wrapped around my waist.
“Shit,” I muttered when I reached the bed. “I don’t have any clean underwear.” I wasn’t expecting Ryder to even talk to me today, never mind ask me to stay over at his place.
“I’ve seen your dick before, Mason,” he said, raising an eyebrow. Shrugging, I dropped the towel and climbed into bed. It wasn’t embarrassment about having my cock on show, hell I’m in porn for Christ’s sake, it was because I didn’t want tonight to be about anything sexual. Awkwardly, I lay down next to him and pulled the blanket up to my waist. He looked at me for a few long seconds but neither of us seemed brave enough to speak.
“You know,” Ryder began. “When I saw you filming with Gio, I didn’t like it. I’m not quite sure what that means.”
“It’s a job, Ry.”
“And I know that. It’s my job too. I never said it made any sense.”
“Maybe it’s because you didn’t know where we stood.”
“And I do now?”
“Well if you do you’re doing better than me,” I said, smiling as I reached out to touch his arm.
“I don’t know what I know right now. I wasn’t expecting today to happen like it did.”
“Do you regret telling me?” I asked carefully, praying his answer would be no.
“No. I actually feel, I don’t know…lighter. I always thought telling someone would make it worse. That I’d feel even more ashamed of myself.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Ryder. Nothing.”
His hand reached out and he gently smoothed across my stomach with the pads of his fingers. His touch resonated through every nerve in my body, warming me, almost breaking me.
“I don’t know if I can do what you want me to do,” he uttered, guilt or possibly fear lacing his voice.
“I don’t want you to do anything,” I replied, feeling a little confused.
“You want some kind of relationship. I see it in the way you look at me. I…I wouldn’t even know how.”
“There isn’t a rulebook, Ry. You’re right, I do want a relationship with you, but this is new to me too. Guess we’ll just have to learn together as we go along.”
Smiling a soft, meek smile Ryder continued stroking his fingers across my stomach. I did the same to his arm, smoothing my hand up and down over his velvet skin as I stared into his eyes, trying to see past the pain.
“Have you ever considered talking to a professional?”
“Like a shrink?”
“Like a counselor.”
“No amount of talking will take away what he did,” he dismissed with a slight shake of his head. The words brought a stabbing pain to my chest, almost as if my heart was physically connected to his.
“But it might help you learn to deal with it better. The cutting…”
“Don’t,” he cut me off, shame dripping from the simple word.
“I’m not judging you, Ryder. I just want to understand.”
“I stopped a couple of years ago,” he admitted after a long sigh. “I found weed worked as a great alternative for a while. I don’t expect it to make sense, but it starts with just a thought. Then that thought keeps coming back until it won’t go away. Eventually the only thing to make it stop is to do it, to cut. For a moment it feels wonderful. Almost like the blood contains all the hurt, all the fucked-up thoughts I’m feeling and it lets them drain away. But then you’re left with a scar, a reminder, and the cycle starts again. It’s an engrained reaction. Something hurts, the thoughts come. I don’t know anything else.”
“I’m not going to patronize you by asking you to stop. I want to, but from what I’ve seen in articles and stuff I know that won’t work. All I want you to do is talk to me. Either when the thought comes, or afterwards if it gets too bad. I just want to know. All I can offer you is my arms, Ryder, but please let me give you that.”
Swallowing hard, Ryder leaned into me, cupping my neck with his hand and brushing his lips over mine. I let out a deep sigh, filled with heartache and frustration, and reluctantly pulled away.
“I’m sorry,” Ryder whispered pitifully.
“Ryder I want to kiss you. I just-”
“It’s okay. I get it.”
“You clearly don’t,” I objected. I was about to continue when he interrupted me again.
“You’re imagining it aren’t you? You can’t look at me anymore without imagining him on me. You don’t have to feel bad. I don’t expect-”
“Will you shut the fuck up and listen to me?” I snapped, cutting him off this time while taking his face in my hands. “Have you any idea what you’ve been through today? What I’ve been through today? You’re exhausted. I’m exhausted. Whether you want him to be or not, right now he’s in your mind and the next time I kiss you I want the only person on your mind to be me. I want it to be perfect. I want to start by kissing you in the shower after a meal. Then I want to run my soapy hands all over you from top to bottom. I want to keep you there until we’re so fucking hard we could hammer through steel. I want that. I want you. Just not tonight.”
“Bit poetic for a porn star,” he muttered, sounding offended.
“The guy in front of that camera isn’t me. You should know that better than anybody.”
“I do. I’m sorry,” he said genuinely, grabbing hold of my hands that had slipped to his shoulders. “I told you I wouldn’t be any good at this.”
“You’re doing just fine,” I smiled, leaning forward to kiss the tip of his nose. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Instead I’m going to hold you. I’m going to keep holding you. Hold you so tight until all your broken pieces stick back together.”
Rolling onto my back I held my arm out for Ryder to snuggle into. Draping his arm across my chest, his touch lying right over my pounding heart, he cuddled up close. I rested my cheek on his messy hair, inhaling the scent that was uniquely him, and closed my eyes. My chest ached for him, my head throbbed with pain and fear. He was small against my body, yet I’d never met anybody stronger.
“Good night, tiger.”
And with just that one simple endearment, everything was right with the world. Or at least I had hope that it would be.
**********
“Morning,” I greeted Ryder the next day when he finally surfaced from bed around 11 AM. “Coffee?”
“Please,” he nodded, stretching his arms above his head. I admired the way the flowers inked onto his slender chest twisted with the movement and smiled. “If you’re not prepared to fuck me then that means no eye-fucking either,” he teased. The smile that tugged at his plump lips brought back the sparkle in his green eyes that I’d missed so much and my feet instinctively started walking towards him. Resting my hand on his hip I gave his rough, stubbled cheek a chaste kiss and then returned to make our coffee.
“I need to head back to Matt’s soon,” I explained as I dropped a splash of milk into Ryder’s coffee; I take mine black.
“You’re not staying here?”
“Do you want me to stay here?”
“Yeah, of course I do. Only if you want to
.”
“You don’t think it’s too soon to be living together?”
“We’ve already lived together, Mase,” he shrugged, misunderstanding the importance.
“That was before, and we can’t ever go back to how things were before.”
“That kinda scares me,” he confessed, sighing.
“Honestly? It scares me too,” I agreed, stretching out my arm and offering him his coffee. “But I wouldn’t go back. I think we could be something really great.”
“Then come back here.”
Sighing in contemplation, I let the thought bounce around in my head a few times before coming to my decision.
“Okay,” I agreed. “But in my own room. I don’t want to push this too quickly and risk ruining anything.”
“Whatever you want. After yesterday, it just feels right that you be here.”
“I still need to go back to Matt’s. I need to change for my shoot this afternoon.”
“Shoot?”
“It’s my last one for the photo book. We’re shooting on location at the beach. I’ll go back and collect the rest of my things later. You should come with me this morning.”
“To Matt’s? Nah, I don’t think that’s a good idea. People will want to know what’s been wrong with me lately.”
“They’re your friends, Ry. They’ve been worried about you. People will just be glad to see you’re sorting through your shit and that you’re getting back on track.”
“Maybe you’re right,” he shrugged, clearly still unsure.
“I’m always right,” I winked. “Now go get changed. We’ll leave when you’re ready.”
“Yes, sir,” he said firmly, saluting me before turning towards his bedroom. Grinning, I took my coffee over to the couch and took a moment to let what was happening between us really sink in.
Just over an hour later Ryder drove us to Matt’s place. I told him during the drive that after my next pay-check I planned to look around for a car of my own. I was going to need one if I went to college, which was something I hadn’t shared with anyone yet, but now the money - and good money – was starting to come in, the idea of getting my photography major one day didn’t seem so unrealistic anymore.
I let us in with the key that Matt gave me, assuming he’d still be in bed anyway. I wasn’t surprised to walk in and see Alex sitting on Matt’s couch with his legs crossed, mug in one hand, newspaper in the other, but Ryder clearly was by the look of confusion that swept suddenly across his face.
“Hey, guys,” Alex said, raising his mug in acknowledgement.
“Hey,” I nodded. “Matt still in bed?”
“What do you think?” Alex laughed, burying his head back in his newspaper. I headed towards the kitchen and Ryder followed behind me. Grabbing onto my elbow, he pulled me into him a little.
“What’s he doing here?” he asked curiously.
“I think Matt’s running for fag hag of the year,” I joked. “He’s a cool guy. I like him.”
After stealing one of Matt’s protein shakes from the refrigerator, a loud thump resounded from upstairs.
“Aaaaany second now,” Alex said with a shit-eating grin on his face as he joined us in the kitchen. Both Ryder and I looked at him, our faces crumpled in confusion. And then it came. Matt’s yelling…
“WHAT THE FUCK?” he blasted, followed by the sound of him stomping across the landing towards the stairs. Alex couldn’t contain his roaring laughter and I was suddenly very curious to know what was going on. “Where the FUCK is my hair?”
The second Matt came into vision, half way down the spiral stairs in the center of the open living space, I threw my hand over my mouth – both in shock and amusement. His usual shoulder length dark blond hair was gone. Like completely shaved off to the bone.
“I warned you not to do it, dude,” Alex said with the smuggest grin he could muster.
“Do what? Will some fucker tell me why I’ve got no fucking hair!” he continued to yell, rubbing furiously at his freshly shaved head.
“Well don’t ask me how you guys got onto the topic because I wasn’t there, but when I joined you and some random guy in Nemesis at the table, he’d bet you couldn’t fit a condom over your head with all that hair. Turns out, you couldn’t.”
“So what? I bet my fucking hair?”
“Um, yeah.”
“And where the fuck did I get hold of hair clippers in a fucking bar?”
“I got them from Pete, the guy who owns the place.”
“And why the hell would you do that?”
“Because you told me to. And because it was funny.”
“Funny? FUNNY? Dude! Look at me!” Matt yelled, slapping his head with the palm of his hand.
“Actually,” Ryder interjected. “I think it kinda suits you.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m a trained stylist. I know these things.”
“Well, whatever. Nothin’ I can do about it now,” Matt grumbled. “But you!” he added, pointing to Alex. “The whole point of a drinking partner is to stop the other one from doin’ crazy shit like this!”
“You wouldn’t listen to me!” Alex replied, his eyes still watering from laughter. “Besides, it was too long anyway. You looked like a woman.”
“Bullshit. Chicks dig long hair.”
“No. Chicks dig your status, man. It’ll grow back anyway. No big deal.”
“Well I’m gonna test Ry’s opinion first, see how much pussy this new look brings in.” Alex rolled his eyes at Matt while Matt turned his attention to Ryder. “So you back to normal and shit, dude?”
“Yeah. Getting there.”
“Cool. I’m sick of lookin’ at his whiny ass,” Matt said, cocking his head in my direction.
“Firstly, I do not whine, and second, I’m going back to Ry’s place tonight so you don’t have to look at my ass anymore.”
“Well don’t forget to take those underpants you’ve got lying around in the bathroom. The ones with the hole in the middle? They weird me the fuck out.”
“Easy access,” I winked. “Right, guys, I’m going to get changed. You waiting here, Ry?”
“Sure. I’ll give you a lift to the studio.”
“You don’t have to, but thanks.”
“It’s no problem. I’ll drop you off and then go see Elle. Think I owe her an explanation.”
“Good idea,” I nodded.
“And on that note,” Matt interrupted. “I’m going back to bed.”
Laughing, I made my way to the stairs. I’d never modeled outdoors before and I was looking forward to today’s shoot. More importantly, I was looking forward to getting home, curling up on the couch and watching shit TV with Ryder.
**********
“That’s it!” Ivan announced, stepping back and smiling proudly. “I think we have our book.”
As suspected, the shoot was perfect. Golden sand, crystal water and blue sky. We got a variety of shots both in and out of the water. There was no nudity this time given that it was a public beach, although sectioned off, but still I was sure the end result would be artistic and stunning.
“Great job, guys,” Mark praised as he began dismantling his tripod. I’d felt too reserved before, but now I was established – a member of this unconventional family – so I finally got round to asking Mark something that has been itching to leave my mouth for a while.
“Hey, Mark. Do you think I could watch you edit these? See the process from start to finish?”
“You like photography?” Ivan asked over my shoulder, surprising me. I thought he was still over with the other guys.
“Yeah. It’s just a hobby right now, but I’m actually saving to go to college so I can maybe do it professionally some day.”
“Yeah? That’s great,” Mark answered.
“It’s good to have ambition,” Ivan conceded. “I have every faith in you, kid, and I’m sure Mark would be more than happy to offer up his words of wisdom. Right, Mark?”
“Absolutely. I’ll b
e working on these over the weekend. I’ll give you a call and you can come round to my house?”
“I’d love that. Thank you,” I beamed, bubbles of excitement stirring in my stomach.
“You know one of the most important lessons in photography?” Mark asked. I cocked my head upwards a little in response. “Learning how to carry equipment.”
“Huh?” Confusion forced my eyebrows together until I saw a smile creep across Mark’s face. “Ah, I see,” I said, breathing out a small laugh. Bending down, I picked up two of his bags and hooked them over my shoulder before making my way back to Ivan’s SUV. I smiled to myself along the way, filled with a newfound enthusiasm. For the first time in a long time I saw a future ahead of me.
Back at the studio I was surprised to find Ryder there, messing around on the laptop in Ivan’s office.
“Hey,” I greeted, my voice a notch higher than usual. “What are you doing here?”
“Came to take you home.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said, walking over to kiss the top of his head. “But I’m glad you did.”
“Are you ready to leave?”
“Yeah. I’ll just grab my stuff.”
I walked through to the set where I dumped my bag this morning. It had an extra change of clothes inside because I planned to shower before I left but now Ryder was here I figured I’d just do it when we got back to his place. Meeting him in the hall, I followed him down to his car. We didn’t talk much while he drove, but after a minute or two I rested my palm on top of his thigh, my heart beating a little faster when he briefly looked down at it and smiled. My groin ached, my head swam…but I would wait. I’d wait forever if I had to. I would wait until he was ready, body and mind.
As planned, I jumped straight in the shower when we arrived, sighing contentedly as the itchy sand between my toes slipped away down the drain. For me, today had been a positive day and once I was clean and dry, ready to spend my evening with Ryder, I only hoped his had been the same.
It was an exceptionally warm evening so instead of slouching in front of the TV, we ordered Chinese food and ate it outside on the small balcony. We’d never done this before – sat and watched the world go by below us. It felt quite grounding. It brought a certain sense of peace knowing that whatever was going on in our heads the world still moved forward as normal.
