Pigeon English

by Stephen Kelman

Jordan: ‘If they see a gun they won’t give you no shit, innit, they’ll be so scared they’ll give you whatever you want. It’s easy, man.’

  You don’t even have to shoot it, you only have to point it at them. The gun just makes everything easier.

  Jordan: ‘I can’t wait to shoot someone though, man. I’d shoot them in the face, innit. I wanna see their head explode, that’d be wicked. I wanna see their eyes pop out and their brains splash all over the place. Bus!’

  The bus was coming. We got ready. I had my stones in both hands. I waited for Jordan’s command. My heart was going proper fast. I was aiming for the side, Jordan was aiming for the big window at the front. You’re not allowed to run until you’ve thrown all your stones. I waited. The bus was slowing down.

  I needed to break a window. I needed a thousand points to catch up.

  Jordan: ‘Now!’

  We jumped out. Jordan threw his first stone. It hit the big window but it didn’t smash. I threw all my stones together. I didn’t even aim them, I just threw them as fast and as hard as I could. The first one missed but the second one hit the side and bounced off. There were people getting off the bus. They didn’t even try to stop us.

  Jordan: ‘F—ers!’

  Jordan threw his second stone. It whizzed past someone’s head and hit the edge of the window. The bus driver got red-eyes, we could see him. It looked like he was going to burst out of his skin. Asweh, it was brutal. I only went cold when I saw Mamma coming. She was getting off the bus. She looked right at me. I don’t even know how it happened, it was the worst luck ever.

  Jordan: ‘Leg it!’

  We just ran. I was too scared to turn around. I wanted to puke. I didn’t stop until we got to the tunnel. We got our breaths back.

  Jordan: ‘All mine hit. One on the window and one on the edge, a couple on the side. What about yours?’

  Me: ‘I don’t know. One on the side I think, that’s all.’

  Jordan: ‘You’re shit, man! I win!’

  Me: ‘My stones were too sharp, that’s the only reason.’

  I didn’t even care. I don’t even need the points that much. We got to the other side of the tunnel. Mamma was waiting for us. My belly went cold again. Everything was finished.

  Mamma: ‘Ho! What do you think you’re doing? Tell me I didn’t just see that. What do you have to say?’

  Me: ‘Sorry, Mamma.’

  Mamma: ‘You stupid boy. I go sound you. Get yourself home right now.’

  Mamma started pushing me. Jordan started laughing. I just wanted to die.

  Mamma: ‘And you’ll stay away from this boy.’

  Me: ‘It was an accident. We were only playing around.’

  Mamma: ‘He’s a waste of time. If I see you around this boy again there’ll be big trouble.’

  Mamma pushed me to the door of my tower. Just as I looked behind me the spit hit me in the face. I even felt it go in my eye.

  Jordan: ‘There’s your sample, pussy boy!’

  Jordan gave me the dirty finger, then Mamma. I wiped my eye with my sleeve before the germs got inside my brain. Now me and Jordan are enemies for life. It all happened too quick.

  Me: ‘Fuck off!’

  I don’t even know who I was aiming at, Jordan or Mamma. I didn’t even care anymore. I could feel the words when they came out, they were all dry and sharp like knives. It was hutious but I couldn’t stop it now.

  Mamma: ‘What did you just say? I go beat the black off you!’

  Mamma sounded me. It made thunder in my ears like the sky god’s birthday.

  Mamma: ‘Don’t ever let me hear that word coming from your mouth again. I don’t need your nonsense. Advise yourself, Harrison. Have a think about what you’ve done.’

  I know what I did, I ruined everything. It’s all broken and it’s my fault. I knew it was true, I could feel it deep down. I should have been good. I should have been good but I let myself forget and now God’s going to destroy us. He’ll probably kill Agnes first just to teach me. I couldn’t breathe right. I didn’t even want to. I practised what it would feel like to be dead. I held my breath for as long as I could but it felt too crazy. It made my head go proper blurry and I had to start breathing again. I’d ask for a hell of air holes in my coffin. It would be easier, that’s all. They could be the windows of the aeroplane.

  Your superstitions tickle me, I see it all the time in the touching of buttons, the scattering of salt. It’s kind of sweet, you think if you dress death in costume and ritual he’ll defect to your side. You think you can distract him just by making more of yourselves, keep chipping off the old block and blind him with the splinters. So don’t throw stones, we’re just doing what comes naturally. I puff out my neck feathers, keep bowing. A bit of tail-dragging to bring her under my spell. See these colours, this strong breast? Our children will be champions, immune to all those —osises and —coccuses that ravaged your forebears. That’s it, put your beak in mine, this will only take a few seconds. Bingo!

  Seems like a lot of effort for scant reward, don’t know what you’re supposed to feel. But I owe it to the boy. I owe it to all of you, a cheap act of confederacy against the drip-dripping of ill-captured sand. I detach myself from her and strike for the setting sun.

  There was a lovely breeze. The rain was all gone and the stars were out. I went on the balcony to try and remember what it felt like before Agnes was born. A star is just old light. Google even says it. When you look at a star you’re just seeing a million years in the past. I didn’t need to see a million years, only two. I picked the star that looked the best and asked it to show me. If I could feel what was different then I’d know what bit was broken and how to fix it. Then I could save us. I asked it with all my blood. I didn’t blink for if it ruined it and I’d have to start again.

  The best time was the blackout. All the light in our street went off. Me and Papa and Patrick Kuffour went around in the pickup filling everybody’s lanterns with paraffin. It took us until late in the night to reach everybody. They all wanted to give us chop but we had to keep moving or we’d never get to everybody in time. Me and Patrick travelled in the back of the pickup like soldiers. It felt like we were on an important mission.

  Patrick Kuffour: ‘Watch the trees, there could be snipers. Be ready. We can’t fail the mission or there’ll be hell to pay.’

  Me and Patrick were the askers. We’d ask the people if they needed paraffin and then Papa would fill them up from the gallon. Everybody stayed in the street. They didn’t want to go to bed anymore. In the end we just had a big party. It was everybody’s idea all together. Nobody thought of it first, we all thought of it at the same time.

  A blackout always turns into a party. It’s the best thing about them.

  Everybody hung their lanterns from the windows and roofs and fences. They looked like stars all fallen down. We made them come back to life. People were dancing in the road to celebrate. I told Agnes the good news. She was still in Mamma’s belly but I knew she could hear me.

  Me: ‘I fixed the stars for you! They’ll be waiting for you when you come out!’

  Mamma: ‘Thank you, sweet thing!’ (She did it in a tiny voice like it was Agnes who was talking.)

  We got one swallow of beer for completing the mission. We pretended we were boozed. Patrick Kuffour did the best falling over, he went backwards over his wall and landed on his back, when I looked over the wall he was wriggling his arms and legs like a beetle upside down. Asweh, it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

  Then Mr Kuffour got his generator working and Mrs Kuffour and Mamma and Grandma Ama made cowpea stew for everybody. We all ate our stew around the lanterns with the moths disturbing our heads and the music blowing in from Mr Kuffour’s transistor. It was dope-fine. The far-away music tickled your ears like a lovely breeze. Everybody forgot it was night-time. The girls played ampe, we threw cocoa pods at their legs to try and break their jumps. Then they ran out of wind and all fell on the ground in a big pile of sleepy leave
s.

  When the sun came up I felt sad and lucky all together. I wanted the night-time to go on forever. Everybody pretended to cry when Mr Kuffour turned his generator off. The music stopped quick quick and it was time to go home. I went to bed with a big smile on my face and the sun shining through my eyes made me all fed up with warm. Asweh, it was the forever best night I ever had. You just wanted it to stay. You wanted to always feel like that.

  When I found that feeling I closed my eyes and let it fill me up again. Then I knew what I had to do. I closed the door proper carefully and put the key back. I sneaked past Mamma’s room. Mamma and Lydia were snoring like the loveliest pigs. Papa would understand. He’d even agree with me. It was the only way to fix it.

  I put my alligator tooth down the rubbish pipe. I heard it fall down to the bottom and disappear. It was an offering for the volcano god. It was a present for God himself. If I gave him my best good luck then he’d save us from all the bad things, the sickness and chooking and dead babies, he’d bring us all back together again. He’d have to or it wouldn’t be fair. It was a good swap, nobody could say it wasn’t. I knew it would work. Thank you pigeon for showing me the right star!

  We were just walking past the church when X-Fire and Dizzy saw us. I knew they’d stop us, I didn’t even try to run. I knew they’d make it quick or they’d be late for Registration. I just stepped on the church grass.

  Me: ‘Come on, they can’t get you on here.’

  Dean and Connor followed me. They just stood on the edge. They can’t touch you if both feet are on sacred ground.

  Dizzy: ‘Do we look like we give a f—? We’re too old for fairy stories, innit.’

  Dizzy just kept going. He stamped all over the flowers. His face was ready for dirty blows. It was because I didn’t have my alligator tooth anymore. It was part of the deal: God has to protect the others first, I can look after myself. I don’t even mind. I got off the church grass and went back on the path.

  Me: ‘Leave them alone, it’s nothing to do with them.’

  Dizzy: ‘Fine, whatever you say.’

  Dizzy got me with two big dirty blows in the arm. I didn’t even care. It didn’t hurt. I only screamed for pretend so he’d leave Dean and Connor alone. Dizzy laughs like a stupid monkey.

  Dizzy: ‘Pussy boy.’

  X-Fire: ‘Come on, that’s enough, he ain’t worth it. Little prick.’

  We waited for when they were near the tunnel then we all gave our dirty fingers to them. It was very funny.

  Connor Green: ‘Arse monkeys!’

  Dean: ‘Cock jockeys!’

  Me: ‘You hit like a girl!’

  They didn’t hear us. They can’t even hurt me anymore. It was a trick all along. I knew it would be a trick.

  Me: ‘Shit-lickers!’

  Dean read my notes, then I folded them away again quick quick before anybody saw. We were outside the assembly hall. We could see right up to the cafeteria steps. Only nothing was very big to your naked eyes. We need some more binoculars.

  Dean: ‘Four guilty signs is a lot but it still don’t prove nothing. We won’t get a confession unless we torture him and we ain’t got the equipment. You need car batteries and wires and hammers and shit. I still think the best way’s DNA. Could you get any samples?’

  Me: ‘No. I tried to get some spit from my friend Jordan but he wouldn’t give it to me.’

  Dean: ‘What about piss?’

  Me: ‘I could get some from the hospital. If I got my Mamma’s badge I could sneak into where they keep the sick people’s piss. It’s already cold, they keep it in the fridge.’

  Dean: ‘No, it’s too dangerous, security’s tighter than a duck’s arse up there. Wait. What are they doing?’

  Dizzy and Clipz and Killa were messing around by the cafeteria. Dizzy had Killa pushed up against the window and he was pretending to be a cop checking him for weapons. He made Killa spread his legs and put his hands up. His hands were flat on the glass to stop him falling over. All his fingers were touching the glass. All his fingerprints were captured in one place. Clipz was pointing an invisible gun to stop the suspect fleeing.

  Dean: ‘This is our chance. We have to do it now. What d’you reckon?’

  My belly went all cold. My blood turned to metal. I was ready. I had to be. The plan was easy: I would be the runner because I’m the fastest. Dean would be the capturer. I got the sellotape out of my bag and gave it to him.

  Dean: ‘Just push him hard enough to distract him, give me time to collect the sample. If he chases you just run.’

  Me: ‘Copy that, it’s a code red.’ (That means time for action.)

  We started walking towards the cafeteria nice and slow like nothing was happening. We had to do it now before they went away. I got up the steps. If they say anything just don’t listen. Don’t even stop. Dean went and stood by the window and pretended to be normal. I got right behind Killa, then I pushed him hard in the back. There wasn’t enough time to be scared, I just bumped him and got ready to run.

  Killa: ‘What the f— you doing?’

  Me: ‘Batty boy! Batty boy!’

  Dizzy: ‘Get him!’

  Dizzy and Clipz came after me. Killa just stood there all confused and red-eyes. Dean got to work with the sellotape, he stuck it where Killa’s fingers touched the window, then he pulled it off again sharp-sharp and ran the other way back towards the assembly hall. Killa didn’t know what to do or who to chase. He just kept looking in both directions like a rat lost in a tunnel.

  Killa: ‘What did you just do?’

  He wiped his fingerprints off the window but it was already too late. He couldn’t even stop us. We beat him at his own game.

  Killa: ‘Little prick!’

  They all came after me. I just turned around and ran for the Science block. I got into Mr Tomlin’s class. He was getting ready for the lesson, I could see the lemons all lined up. Somebody else was going to find out about the lemon battery. I wished it was me. I wished I could learn it all over again like it was still the first time.

  Mr Tomlin: ‘What’s up, Harri? Why are you running?’

  Me: ‘Nothing. I got lost.’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘You’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on.’

  Me: ‘I hope not!’

  Killa and Dizzy were at the door. When they saw Mr Tomlin they stopped chasing me. Killa just kicked the door. It was all over, he should just admit it. The bad guys always lose in the end.

  Killa: ‘You’re dead!’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘Breaktime’s not over for another four minutes. Go and find someone else to annoy.’

  Mr Tomlin was like my bulletproof. He blocked me from the bad guys’ killing thoughts. I went superquick through the Science block and came out the other side before they even knew what hit them. I only have to dodge them at breaktimes and hometime. They can’t even catch me with my eyes peeled.

  We waited in Computer Club until everybody went home. Have you heard of YouTube? It’s a place on the internet just for films of things eating each other. Dean showed me a snake eating a boy. He actually swallowed him altogether. It was in some dusty faraway place. The villagers all hit the snake with sticks until he puked the boy back up again. They didn’t know if he was dead or just asleep. He was curled up tight in a cosy ball. There was a hell of slime all over him from the snake’s belly but all his arms and legs were still on. He was smaller than us.

  Dean: ‘I want to see a snake eat a car, that’d be wicked. It’s happened before.’

  Me: ‘I want to see a snake eat himself. Then he’d just disappear into nothing.’

  Dean: ‘Wicked.’

  We waited until the coast was clear, then we got the sample out for inspection. Dean held the print up to the light.

  Me: ‘You can’t really tell what it is. It’s too messy. Damn it!’

  Dean: ‘I was in a hurry, innit. You should’ve done the collecting.’

  I could still see some of the lines. They were nice and sharp around the
middle but the outsides were all blurred into each other like they were moving when the picture was taken. There were two fingers and the edge of a thumb. We needed fatter sellotape.

  Dean: ‘Shit. Don’t worry, at least we’ve got a copy now. Maybe the police computer can tidy it up. They can zoom in and everything. Do the honours then.’

  Me: ‘Okey-dokey, Boss.’

  I stuck the sellotape to a page from my exercise book, then I folded it up and wrote the suspect’s name on the front. Killa. I’m just going to keep it with the rest until we need it. It felt like the best kind of hutious, like I owned a piece of Killa’s life. He can’t hide forever, your fingerprints tell your story if you want them to or not. When the snake puked up the boy, it looked like he was being born. Maybe he was a snake boy and it was supposed to happen. Maybe he’ll grow up to be Snake Man. I’m going to tell Altaf when I see him, he’d love it if it came true. So would I. Just type snake eats boy into YouTube and see for yourself. I guarantee it will blow your mind!

  Agnes: ‘Harri!’

  Asweh, it was the best one so far, it made my ears go lovely and buzzing. It lasted donkey hours. I didn’t even want it to stop.

  Me: ‘Hello Agnes! Are you feeling better?’

  Grandma Ama: ‘Say yes.’

  Agnes: ‘Yes!’

  Mamma was happy crying. It made Lydia join in.

  Lydia: ‘She’s got her voice back anyway. Say Lydia.’

  Agnes: ‘Lyda!’

  Lydia: ‘We love you!’

  Me: ‘We love you, Agnes!’

  My belly felt lovely and warm from saving her. I wanted to happy cry as well but Lydia was looking so I had to hold it in.

  Grandma Ama: ‘She’s fine. She woke up this morning asking for banana. She ate until she was fed up.’

  Mamma: ‘How is her temperature?’

  Papa: ‘It’s normal. Everything’s fine. Don’t worry.’

  Mamma: ‘I just wish I was there.’

  Papa: ‘I know. I’ll see you soon, OK?’

  Me: ‘Is the roof still OK?’

  Papa: ‘It’s fine! We had a storm yesterday and it didn’t even wobble!’