Pigeon English

by Stephen Kelman

  Everybody: ‘Superhands saves it again! The boy’s on fire!’

  I didn’t think Dean would be such a good climber because he has orange hair. I just didn’t suspect it. But actually he’s a brilliant climber. He’s even as good as Patrick Kuffour (he can get on the roof of the comm. centre in three seconds flat. We all called him Monkey Blood).

  Dean: ‘Don’t wory, I’ll get it. I’m a wicked climber.’

  We were playing gutter-to-gutter and I did a big banana shot and the ball landed on top of the garage. I didn’t even know I could kick my new ball that far. It actually felt proud. Dean jumped on the wheelie bin then pulled himself onto the garage roof. It all happened proper fast. He made it look easy. He threw the ball down and I caught it. When I looked up at him standing on the roof it made me go quite dizzy. The sun was in my eyes. I heard wings but I couldn’t see where they were coming from.

  Dean: ‘Come up, it’s alright. I’ll pull you.’

  Me: ‘Somebody might steal the ball.’

  Dean: ‘Don’t be a wuss!’

  Me: ‘I’m not! Come on, 9-all. All square, next goal wins.’

  He didn’t want to come down. He loved it too much up there, you could tell. He was walking up and down like the king. He was laughing at the face of danger.

  Dean: ‘Hey, what’s this?’

  He picked something up. It was all wrapped up like a parcel. It was wet from the roof puddles and oily. The wrapping looked like clothes torn up.

  Dean: ‘Shall I open it?’

  Me: ‘Open it!’

  Dean: ‘Do you really want me to open it though? What if it’s anthrax or human teeth?’

  Me: ‘Just stop vexing me and open it!’

  He unwrapped the wrapping. There was a wallet inside. I could see it was a wallet even with the sun in my eyes. It was blue with black velcro.

  Me: ‘Is there any money?’

  Dean: ‘Hang on, it’s all sticky. I’m coming down.’

  He climbed down off the garage and showed me the wallet. There were darker stains on it. It smelled of rain. He opened it up and checked all inside. There was no money. There was something stuck in one of the pockets, the rain had turned it into glue. Dean peeled it off proper carefully: it was a photograph. When I saw it my belly went proper cold.

  Me: ‘That’s the dead boy!’

  Dean: ‘Do you reckon?’

  Me: ‘I swear by God! He’s even got his Chelsea shirt on.’

  The picture was proper small and stained where it got wet. The dead boy was with a white girl. You could only see their heads and shoulders. They were both smiling from ear to ear. I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. She was nearly as pretty as Poppy except one of her eyes was pointing the wrong way but it might have been on purpose for a joke. It felt proper sad. I pretended like the dead boy was trapped inside the picture and it was too late to get him out. I wished I’d been there when he was chooked. I’d chase the killer away before he even got that far. I’d shout proper loud for the police or throw a rock at him or freeze him with my breath. I don’t know why nobody did anything.

  Dean: ‘I’d kung fu him in the knackers.’

  Me: ‘Me too.’

  Dean let me hold the wallet. I felt the sticky and said a prayer inside my head. It just said sorry. That’s all I could remember.

  Me: ‘What do you think the sticky could be? Do you think it’s blood?’

  Dean: ‘It looks like it, or maybe oil. There might be a print in there somewhere. Let’s get it back to the lab.’

  I didn’t make Dean say the password, it’s only for civilians. We pushed my bed in front of the door for security. Dean held the wallet still and I put the sellotape on over the sticky bit. I stuck it down nice and gentle so there were no wrinkles, then I pulled it back proper slow. The sticky stuck to the sellotape. I held it up to the light. No patterns, just one big smudge of dark red. No prints, nothing for a match.

  Dean: ‘Never mind, it was a long shot. We’ve still got the DNA if it’s blood.’

  Me: ‘Taste it and find out.’

  Dean: ‘I ain’t tasting it, it might have Aids. Just hide it, yeah? The blood creeps me out.’

  I got some blood on my finger. It was only sticky. I wanted to eat it so the spirit could live in me but I was too scared from the Aids. I waited until it was dark before I washed it off. I wanted it to stay but in the end it got too itchy.

  The hole where the tree used to be is all the way gone. It’s all covered now, not just with grass but a hell of plants and weeds as well. You’d never even know a hole used to be there. Asbo did a big shit on the new grass. It’s his new favourite shitting place. When he saw me he wagged his tail so hard I thought his arse would fall off. He loves me because I talk to him in a soft voice. That’s how they know you’re their friend.

  Terry Takeaway: ‘Do you wanna take it? Here you go.’

  Terry Takeaway gave Asbo’s lead to me. He let me hold it and everything. Asbo’s very strong. He couldn’t wait for me, he just started walking straight away. I had to follow him or he’d just pull me over.

  Terry Takeaway: ‘Tell him heel, then he’ll stop pulling.’

  Me: ‘Heel.’

  Terry Takeaway: ‘Louder than that. Heel!’

  It worked. Asbo stopped pulling so hard. He slowed down and walked beside me.

  Me: ‘Good boy.’

  Always tell a dog good boy when he does something good. Then he’ll only do good things after that. They only know how good they are if you keep telling them. You have to tell them every time or they’ll forget. Terry Takeaway showed me how to hold the lead the right way. If you hold it close to you, the dog has nowhere to go. Then he has to walk with you. If you hold the lead too far away, the dog will forget he’s even on the lead and try to get away. In the end I was controlling Asbo. He stopped trying to get away. When I walked one way, Asbo came with me. When I stopped he stopped as well. Asweh, it was brutal. It felt like I owned him. It felt like he belonged to me.

  Me: ‘Asbo, look for evil! Sniff it out, go on, boy! Find that evil smell!’

  Asbo was looking all around like he was on a mission. He sniffed a man’s leg when he went past. I watched his face: his ears didn’t move and his eyes didn’t go big. No evil there. We let Asbo off the lead. He ran away but he came straight back. Mostly he was just running in a circle. He loves to run even more than I do. Then we did some tricks.

  Terry Takeaway: ‘Sit.’

  Asbo sat down. He just sat there looking at us. He was waiting for us to tell him something.

  Terry Takeaway: ‘Lie down.’

  Asbo lay down on the grass. He was on his back. His tail was still wagging behind him. I could see all his nipples and his balls. He loved it, you could tell. It was all a game.

  Terry Takeaway: ‘Paw.’

  That was the best one. Asbo gave me his paw. I shook hands with him. It was very funny. He even did his tricks for me. He loved it. When I told him to sit he sat. When I asked for his paw he gave it to me. It felt brutal. I just wanted him to be mine. Asweh, it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

  July

  Fingerprints are just for feeling with and to help you hold onto things when they’re wet. They don’t really mean anything. If you didn’t have fingerprints you could be anyone you wanted.

  Eyebrows are there to keep the sweat out of your eyes. I always thought eyebrows were just for no reason but they’re not, they keep the sweat and the rain away. If they weren’t there the sweat and rain would get in your eyes and make you blind. Eyelashes are the same. They’re to stop the dust getting in your eyes. And bugs as well.

  All the things you think are just there for no reason are actually to help you or protect you from something. The hair on your head stops your brain getting too hot when it’s hot out and too cold when it’s cold out. Your hair is a lot cleverer than you thought. Everybody has the same defences. They all have eyebrows and fingernails and eyelashes. Their hair is all in the same places. That w
ay they all have the same chance of surviving. It’s what makes it fair. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.

  Connor Green: ‘Why do men have nipples then?’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘Because they’d look stupid without them. Next question.’

  Connor Green got beaten to the joke by Mr Tomlin. He hated it. He tries to beat Mr Tomlin at jokes but Mr Tomlin is always too good for him.

  Connor Green: ‘How come when you’re in the bath all the water doesn’t go up your bumhole and drown you from the inside out?’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘Because the internal anal sphincter involuntarily contracts to occlude the anal canal. Any more?’

  Connor Green: ‘You said anal. You can’t to say that to us, it’s sex abuse.’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘Put a sock in it, Connor. Anybody else?’

  Dean: ‘Does your hair still grow after you’re dead? My uncle says it does. And your fingernails. Is it true, sir?’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘No, that’s a fallacy.’

  Connor Green: ‘Have you got happiness, sir?’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘Right, get out. Connor? Get out now, please.’

  Connor Green: ‘But sir, I only asked if you’ve got happiness.’

  Mr Tomlin: ‘OUT!’

  Connor had to go out of the class. His face went bright red like a crab. I was even glad Mr Tomlin roared at him. He’s too annoying sometimes. Sometimes I just want him to shut up so the teacher can help us. You learn the most interesting things in Science.

  Mr Tomlin says the space station is actually true. At first it just looked like a bright star but if you keep watching you can see it move. I only saw it one time because the sky is never dark enough, there’s too many lights in the way from the streetlights and houses. On the space station they have to shit in a special tube that sucks it out into space. That’s why the shuttle has windscreen wipers. Everybody agrees.

  The floor outside my flat is perfect for driving my beach buggy. It’s proper shiny. It makes the car go superfast. It makes you feel like you’re going fast as well, even if you’re just standing still. You have to remember to blink before you go dizzy.

  I kept looking at Jordan’s door. I was waiting for it to open. I made a little knock and pretended like it was an accident. The door opened. First Jordan didn’t say anything, he just watched. He was watching for donkey hours. I kept crashing because his watching put me off. I just wanted him to ask for it already.

  Jordan: ‘Give us a go.’

  It was all part of the plan but you had to make him wait a bit longer.

  Me: ‘In a minute.’

  I just kept driving. I made him think I’d give him a go all along. I wanted to make him sorry. Then I’d be the winner for the last time. I could feel him watching me. I just kept driving. I pretended like he wasn’t even there. Jordan was getting ants in his pant. It felt brutal. I wanted it to last forever.

  Jordan: ‘Come on, man, give us a go. You’ve had it ages.’

  Me: ‘You’ll break it.’

  Jordan: ‘No I won’t, I’m a wicked driver. I never crash.’

  Me: ‘We’re not even friends anymore.’

  Jordan: ‘Who says? Come on, man.’

  Me: ‘Two more minutes.’

  Jordan: ‘One minute. I’ll show you how to make it flip over, it’s well sick.’

  This is the bit I’d been waiting for. I had to make him want it proper bad. I had to make him beg. That way when I took it away it would hurt even more. I wanted to punish him. It was my duty.

  Everything went dark and quiet. I could feel my heart going proper fast just waiting for the right time. I knew it would be brutal. I was by my door. It was perfect. I had to bite my lips to hold the laughing in.

  Me: ‘I can’t, I’ve got to go in now. My dinner’s ready.’

  I picked up my car and went inside. I shut the door behind me. It felt brilliant. I did it sharp-sharp. He didn’t even have time to suspect it. He didn’t even know it was going to happen. It was perfect. Now I’m the winner forever.

  Poppy doesn’t need to wear make-ups because she already is beautiful. Miquita and Chanelle and all the others only have to wear it because they’re ugly underneath. Miquita always wears green eyeshadow. It makes her look like a frog.

  It makes her look like a skanky green fool but I didn’t tell her. I just couldn’t be bothered.

  Miquita was putting her cherry lipstick on. My heart went proper fast. There was no going back.

  Miquita: ‘Are you ready for me then? Did you brush your teeth? No, I’m only joking, I know you’re clean. You’re a sweet boy, innit.’

  Miquita’s going to teach me how to kiss. Miquita has sucked off a hundred boys, she knows all the best ways to do it. If I know how to kiss properly then Poppy will never cut me for another boy.

  I don’t want Poppy to cut me. I want her to be my mine forever. It feels too good. The best bit is when I get to protect her from the bad things, like when I take the wasps away. Poppy’s always grateful. When she smiles for me it makes my belly go lovely and warm.

  It felt crazy already but you had to stay proper still. Just forget that you hate Miquita, just remember her big juicy behind and her big bouncy boobs and her expert lips. Just use her to get ready for the real thing. Lydia was even laughing. She loved it.

  Lydia:

  ‘I want a lover,

  Not a Casanova.’

  Me: ‘Gowayou!’

  Lydia:

  ‘We will love every day.

  You will be my lover.’

  Me: ‘Shut up! I go sound you!’

  Miquita: ‘Just hold still, Juicy Fruit. Relax.’

  I was squeezed down on the sofa. Miquita sat on top of me. I couldn’t get away even if I wanted to, she weighs a ton. She was licking her lips like a big crazy fish. I closed my eyes to make it go faster.

  Miquita: ‘Open your mouth a bit more, that’s it. Relax, man. You’re gonna like it, I promise.’

  Everything went proper slow. I could feel Miquita getting closer. I could hear her breathing all hot in my face, then her boob was touching my arm. Then she kissed me right on the lips. It was quite soft. It was even not too bad until I felt her tongue go in.

  Me: ‘Nnngggtngg, yudiingsaanythnnngabouutnng!’

  Miquita stopped. I got my breath back.

  Miquita: ‘What was that?’

  Me: ‘You didn’t say anything about tongues!’

  Miquita: ‘But everyone likes the tongue. You gotta learn the best way or there’s no point. Just go with it.’

  Lydia: ‘They’re only Year 7, they don’t need to know about tongues.’

  Miquita: ‘Shut up, man, what would you know? Just let me do my work, innit. Do you want your brother to be a batty boy?’

  She put her tongue back in. It was all hot and slimy. Asweh, it was disgusting. I wriggled to get free but she just pushed me down harder. Miquita was making a horrible kissy groaning noise like a zombie in love. Her lips kept sucking. Her tongue was twisting around in my mouth like a nasty snake. I just thought about Poppy. I made her yellow fill me up like the sun. Then I felt somebody grab my hand. I pushed down on the sofa so they couldn’t peel it off.

  Lydia: ‘Miquita.’

  Miquita: ‘Just relax, man. Give me it.’

  She pinched my hand to make me let go, then she took it and put it down her pant. I could feel hair on my fingers. It was all scratchy. It tickled. That’s when it all got too crazy. I swear by God, I wanted to be sick. She peeled my fingers apart and stuck one up her toto. It felt wet and rubbery. She got another finger and another finger and she made my hand go up and down. Her lips kept sucking, her breath kept blowing hot up my nose. I couldn’t even stop it. I don’t even like cherry. My belly felt sick like the sea.

  Me: ‘Stoppih! Lyda, helllpe! Gehhheroff!’

  Lydia: ‘He’s had enough. He keeps holding his breath.’

  Miquita: ‘I’ll say when he’s had enough, what are you gonna do, Chlamydia? Stop wriggling, man. I thought you wanted to learn.’
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  Me: ‘I changed my mind. Get off me!’

  I got all my blood and pushed her away. Miquita’s eyes were all sleepy and stupid and she was breathing crazy like from a fight. Her jeans were open and she was still holding my hand down her pant. I pulled it out sharp-sharp while I had the chance. My skin was crawling with hair tickles and my fingers were all shiny from her toto. I just wanted to die.

  Miquita: ‘Not bad for a beginner. Don’t lick my teeth though, girls don’t like it. Wanna try again?’

  Me: ‘Go away, I’m not doing it anymore! Just piss off!’

  I got away before she could hold me down again. I washed my lips and hands. When I tried to ease myself it came out all weird, I think she broke something. Lydia should have stopped her. I should have kept the locks locked. It was a bad idea. I don’t even know how it happened. If Poppy finds out I sucked off another girl she’ll cut me for sure.

  Me: ‘Stupid bitch. You’re not even funny!’

  Miquita was outside the bathroom. She was smiling like a stupid fat frog.

  Miquita: ‘We ain’t finished yet, that was just the first lesson, innit. Did I make your willy go hard? Did you get a funny feeling down there?’

  Me: ‘No.’

  Lydia: ‘Don’t say that, he’s too young. Just leave him alone.’

  Miquita: ‘Who are you, his mum? Just ’cause you’re tight, don’t mean everyone’s like you. You lot are so f—ing lame, man.’

  Lydia: ‘At least my boyfriend’s not a murderer.’

  Everything stopped. Lydia shut her mouth again sharp-sharp but it was too late, the words were already out, she couldn’t get them back. Miquita’s face went all stiff.

  Miquita: ‘What did you say?’

  I thought Lydia was going to cry. She didn’t move. She was trapped in the shock. Everybody was. I just didn’t suspect it in a million years, it was too big to let out. It was the wrong kind of quiet and somebody had to break it. Mamma’s never here when we need her.