Be Careful What You Pray For

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  “We did, and when it comes to our personal business or the church business, I don’t have any, and I will always be up-front with you about everything. But as far as our members go, it just wouldn’t be right to betray their trust. Not when they’ve specifically asked me not to disclose their names or what they’re experiencing.”

  Alicia sat on the chaise, watching her husband step into a pair of pants, and thought about her father and all the times he’d told her mother he needed to visit the sick or bereaved. He’d told her these lies on a pretty regular basis, sometimes more than once a week, and Alicia couldn’t help making the comparison between those lies and the one she had a feeling JT was telling. She didn’t want to believe he was literally standing there lying straight to her face, but after hearing all those dreadful things earlier from those women at the luncheon, it was hard not to. It would be difficult believing anything JT said from this day on. Alicia did love him and until this morning couldn’t have been happier with her marriage, but she wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t like some of the first ladies she’d known and heard about, the kind who were willing to take whatever their husbands dished out. No, she was just the opposite and had always sworn she would never tolerate infidelity from any man she was married to—especially if that man was a pastor—because with these particular men, it was never just one random mistake. It never happened with just one woman, and the philandering seemed to go on indefinitely. She’d thought the same thing about her father, and while he had changed for the better and had been faithful to Charlotte for two years now, who was to say he would actually remain that way? She prayed for his sake and for her stepmother’s that he would, but she knew there were no guarantees—she also knew, too, that since JT had already admitted to messing around on Michelle, he might be just as questionable.

  JT worked his left foot into an Italian leather slip-on, put on the other, and walked over to where Alicia was sitting. She gazed at him, and then he leaned down and kissed her on the lips. “I know you’re not happy about not being able to go, but, baby, please try to understand.”

  She ignored his last statement and asked, “When will you be back?”

  “As soon as I can, but it might take a few hours because I don’t want this man to feel that I’m rushing him to get everything off his chest just so I can get back to my daily life. He wants me to be there for him, and as his pastor it’s my responsibility to help him get things right with God. It’s my job to help him work toward getting his soul saved.”

  Alicia didn’t bother responding but had a mind to tell him everything that that awful woman had told her this afternoon. She wanted to tell him, too, how Tamara, the first lady she’d been sitting next to, had even confirmed his womanizing history. She especially wanted to tell him that, once again, someone had insinuated he was a murderer. However, she decided that maybe this wasn’t a good idea. She wasn’t sure why exactly, but something told her it was better to keep all the information she had to herself—better to wait and see how all this eventually played out.

  It was better to keep a closer eye on JT, the way Tamara had suggested.

  When Alicia finished speaking to Melanie and then to her mom, she went into her office and sat down at her computer. This morning, before she’d begun getting ready for the luncheon, she’d signed in to her e-mail account and had been shocked by one of the messages she’d opened and read multiple times. She’d even felt guilty about the content of it and also about the warm feeling it had given her, but at the moment, she didn’t feel an ounce of remorse. She didn’t feel bad about it at all, and she knew it was because she now had valid doubts and reservations about her husband.

  Alicia read the e-mail again.

  Hi sweetheart. It’s me. I debated whether I should contact you since Darrell said you didn’t want to see me but I couldn’t help it. Alicia regardless of who you’re with now I still think about you daily. After all this time you’re still the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning and you’re the only person I fantasize about before going to sleep at night. You are absolutely my everything. Yes I know you’re married and that the last thing you need is to have someone trying to cause problems for it but the love that I have for you hasn’t changed. If anything it’s grown stronger and so much deeper and I really need to talk to you. We don’t have e-mail access through the correctional facility but one of the sta? members who looks out for me was cool enough to let me use his personal account. But I do have to say I definitely don’t have any typing skills so it took me way too long to type this. I also didn’t dare try guessing where I should add commas! I’ve always been a great speller but terrible with that other English stu?, so will you call me between four and five this afternoon at the number below? Please if you don’t mind do me this one favor. Because I really need to talk to you. I really need to hear your beautiful voice and tell you how different things are going to be for me when I’m out of here. Okay? I love you sweetheart and can’t wait to hear from you. Levi.

  When Alicia finished the last word, she read the e-mail one more time but still hesitated responding. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she knew that once she did, there would be no turning back. She also didn’t trust the excitement and nervousness that was overtaking her body. She didn’t like how thrilled she was to be connecting with Levi.

  So, she waited. She stalled for a few seconds, trying to forget about her ex-lover, and then finally browsed some of her favorite department store websites. Strangely enough, however, she wasn’t interested in anything she saw. She still loved shopping, but what she’d been noticing more and more, specifically ever since marrying JT, was that shopping was no longer the most important thing in her life—maybe because she could do it whenever she wanted to. She still loved nice things, expensive ones for that matter, but she was finally starting to realize that there was so much more to life. There were so many other things to worry about. There were so many people to worry about—namely, two-timing husbands and the women who slept with them.

  Alicia browsed the Internet for another fifteen minutes, voluntarily yielding to temptation, and dialed the number Levi had given her. The phone rang three times before someone answered.

  “Hello?” a deep voice said.

  “Uh, hi. Is Levi available?” she said, thinking how weird it sounded asking for a prison inmate no differently than she would a free man.

  “Sure, he’s right here.”

  Alicia heard Levi thanking the owner of the phone and then heard a door shut. A second later, he was greeting her.

  “Hi, beautiful. How are you?”

  His voice gave her the same kind of comfort as it had in the past, and she felt like melting. For a moment, she wished Levi could be any normal everyday guy and not a convicted felon. She wished he’d never even thought to begin selling drugs.

  “I’m good,” she finally said. “And you?”

  “Well, the facility isn’t as bad as it could be, but being locked down means exactly that, and it’s not the kind of thing I could ever be okay with.”

  Alicia wasn’t sure what to say next and waited for him to continue.

  “So, it’s been a long time, huh?” he said.

  “Yeah, I guess it has.”

  “Were you shocked to hear from me?”

  “Actually, I was.”

  “I figured you would be, but I had to take a chance. You know?”

  “It was good hearing from you.”

  “So, how’s married life treating you?”

  Alicia wanted to tell him how worried she was about JT and what he might be doing behind her back, but she didn’t.

  “Everything’s good.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I am.”

  “Then why don’t I believe you?”

  “Probably because you don’t want to. Maybe you’d rather believe what you want to believe.”

  Levi laughed. “Come on, sweetheart, this is me you’re talking to. Remember, I don’t play games o
r say things I don’t mean. I deal only with reality, and I can tell from the sound of your voice that something’s troubling you. I can tell you’re not all that happy.”

  “You’re wrong,” she said, knowing he’d assessed her true feelings to a tee.

  “Whatever you say, but I know better.”

  “So, tell me, really,” she said, changing the subject. “How are you?”

  “I’m hanging in there and pretty much just praying for this appeal process to progress. Darrell told you about that, though, right?”

  “Yeah, he mentioned something like that.”

  “My attorney says I have a very strong case in terms of the way they violated my rights, so hopefully I’ll be out of here in just a matter of months…hey, hold on for a second,” he said, and Alicia heard someone talking in the background. “Cool. Thanks, man.”

  “Who was that?” she asked.

  “That was my boy who’s letting me use his phone. He was just saying the coast was clear and that I could talk for another thirty minutes if I want.”

  “Then he must be a really good friend.”

  “Sweetheart, in here, money can buy you a lot of privileges. The kind of privileges you would never be able to have otherwise.”

  “But I thought all of your money was confiscated.”

  “I guess you really don’t know me as well as I thought you did.”

  “I guess I don’t.”

  “Okay, enough about prison and me, though, because what I want is to talk about you.”

  “What is it you wanna know?”

  “Whether it’s going to be possible for me to see you or not. I mean, I know you’re married, but, Alicia, I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t help the fact that I’m still in love with you, girl.”

  “I just can’t, Levi. I can’t come there.”

  “I don’t mean here, because this is definitely not an environment for someone like you. Not even as a visitor. I never wanted you to do that, and the only reason I’d had Darrell ask you a few weeks ago was because I was having a really lonely moment. So, when I say I want to see you, I’m referring to when I get out.”

  Alicia held the phone in silence, and for a second or two Levi said nothing either. Then he spoke.

  “I know you have a husband, but, sweetheart, even if you’re happy with this JT guy, deep down I know you still care about me. I know you have to still love me in at least some sort of way because no man will ever treat you as well as I did.”

  “JT gives me everything I want.”

  “I’m sure he does. Materially. But are you the most important person in his life next to God? Is he being completely faithful to you? Does he love you so much that he would never even consider being with another woman, let alone actually doing it? I mean, can you honestly answer yes to every one of those questions?”

  He’d said a mouthful, and sadly, he was right, because she couldn’t answer yes to any of them and be confident about it. But she wouldn’t admit that to him.

  “Levi, I know this might be hard for you to believe, but JT and I really do love each other and we’re very happy.”

  “If I recall, you said the same thing right after you married your first husband. Remember?”

  “We did love each other.”

  “But you weren’t very happy. Maybe in the beginning but not when it came to the kind of money you wanted to spend. It sounds to me like your first husband gave you love and dedication and now this one is giving you a lot of luxury.”

  “He gives me a lot more than that.”

  “Like what? Sex?”

  “You’re being unfair. You’re judging JT, and you don’t even know him, so can we talk about something else?” she asked in a defensive tone, but she knew Levi’s mental assessment was probably right on the mark.

  “Look, sweetheart, I’m not trying to upset you, okay? Because I would never do that intentionally. I guess I just got a little carried away because I’m still so in love with you and because when I’m out of here, things are going to be very different for me. I’m completely done with that old life I was living, and for the first time in years, I’ve been reading my Bible every day. I’ve been studying and meditating, and I decided late last year that if God could forgive me for all the horrible mistakes I’ve made and then give me another chance at doing the right thing, then I was going to make good on it.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way.”

  “I’ve always believed in God, but when you’re locked away like this for months and months, you find yourself talking to Him continuously. You find comfort in knowing that you still have at least Him to depend on.”

  Alicia had never heard Levi speak this way before, and she was truly happy for him. Of course, it was common knowledge that many inmates found God while serving lengthy sentences and sort of lost Him along the way once they were released, but she had a feeling Levi was very serious about his new sense of spirituality. Partly because he was the kind of person who only said what he really meant, but mostly because she could hear the realness and the excitement in his voice. They talked about nothing else before hanging up, and now Alicia wished she really could see him.

  But she wouldn’t. Not when she was married to JT, and as his wife, she needed to give him the benefit of the doubt. Yes, those women at the luncheon had caused her to be suspicious, but she and JT were still newlyweds. They’d only been married for seven weeks, and it simply wasn’t right for her to jump to so many conclusions. She did wonder if he’d been telling the truth about where he was going this afternoon, but if he’d planned on messing around, would he really do it in broad daylight? It was only five o’clock and the sun still beamed brightly, so she couldn’t imagine him taking that kind of a risk. It was the reason she told herself JT might merely be a victim of lies and vicious rumors. She told herself she was probably worrying for nothing.

  Chapter 21

  JT lay in bed, his body turned slightly to the side, with Veda’s head resting against his chest. They’d made the most gratifying love to each other, and now she was sleeping peacefully. She slept, and all he could think was how he wished he didn’t have to leave this hotel near O’Hare Airport until sometime tomorrow morning. He knew this clearly wasn’t possible, but after being with Veda on two separate occasions, he also knew there was no way this would be the last time he saw her. He wasn’t sure if it really was because she looked so much like Michelle, but regardless, his attraction to her was fierce. He’d been attracted to Alicia right away, too, but for some reason his attraction to Veda seemed even more immediate. He’d known from the moment they’d finished making love two nights ago at The Ritz that he couldn’t simply forget about her, and it was the reason he’d stopped her from flying home yesterday afternoon. They’d hung up just as she was preparing to walk onto her plane, but then he’d called her right back, asking her not to leave. At first, she’d paused and then told him she really needed to get home, but JT had convinced her to remain in Chicago for at least another couple of days. He’d known he had to go spend time with Carmen shortly after he’d ended his call with Veda and would have to attend the luncheon with Alicia this afternoon, but he’d promised Veda that if she could just be patient, he’d find a way to spend all evening with her now. Needless to say, she’d told him she was fine with it, and JT had been in bed with her for three hours.

  Still, he couldn’t understand why his desires for Veda were so deep and why they had so instantly come about—especially since he really did love Alicia. He didn’t know why any of this kept happening to him, why he couldn’t just be happy with one woman. He’d been thinking he could, or at the very least, that he could get rid of Carmen and keep only one mistress, namely Diana. But now he knew otherwise. Now he knew he simply couldn’t help who he was, and if Veda agreed, he was planning to see a lot more of her. There was the problem of her living miles away in Minneapolis, but he strongly believed in the old cliché his aunt used to love saying, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Which was why all he had to do was map out a more extensive and more detailed plan for his life and ministry.

  Next week, he would give Janet the final okay to send out the introduction packages to the churches she’d compiled a listing of, he would bypass setting up a marketing committee the way he’d originally discussed and settled on with Minister Payne and Minister Weaver, and he would hire an ad agency himself so the agency could schedule the media campaign as soon as possible. After that, he would have Diana transfer the hundred thousand dollars he needed into one of his personal bank accounts and convince her to transfer the same amount at least another two or three times. Then, on the personal side of things, he would see Carmen once per week and would do the same with Diana, but once the campaign began, maybe about a month from now, and the speaking offers started coming in, he would slowly but surely cut off all communication with Carmen and would limit his meetings with Diana to maybe once every two weeks. Diana would certainly be upset but wouldn’t make much of a commotion because she would never want her rich husband to find out what she’d been doing. She wouldn’t want him finding out that she’d been having an affair with a much younger man who just so happened to be their trusted pastor. She would never want him finding out that she’d given her young lover loads of their money.

  Carmen would be a different story, however, and she had already made it clear she would never walk away so easily. But when the time was right, JT would see to it that she was no longer a threat to him or the life he wanted to have. After that, he would welcome all the new church members he was positive his citywide media campaign would bring in, he would travel to as many speaking engagements as possible, and he would make a motion to double the annual salary he was receiving from the church. He would exercise his right to do whatever he wanted, since he’d been the one to found NLCC in the first place. There would surely be a few officers and associate ministers who might have a problem with it, specifically Minister Weaver, but they would each soon get over it—either that or they’d be booted out of the ministry altogether and onto the street. Then, when he was making a million dollars a year from his church income alone, he would purchase a nice, comfortable home in a suburb far away from where he and Alicia lived. He’d purchase something only he knew about and would begin flying Veda in for weekly visits. At the same time, he’d be able to give Alicia the extravagant life he’d been promising her all along, and this meant he’d finally have the best of three worlds: a beautiful wife and first lady of his church, an out-of-town mistress who made him feel better sexually than any woman had ever made him feel, and a local mistress who gave him sex, too, plus all the financial support he could ever want. He’d have everything and that got him excited.