by Kimmy Love
“How could you let her do this?” Keisha asked Ricardo, confused as to how she wound up in that situation. Getting the nursery together was something that she was supposed to do, and as a woman, Anastasia should have known that. She wanted to be the one to place the new items on the shelves and in the crib, wanting to make everything perfect for her little boy. She didn’t even want to know that it was a boy yet, the surprise completely soured by Anastasia’s poor judgement.
“It’s one less thing you have to do now,” he told her. Dee was furious that he wasn’t as angry as her. She felt violated. If Ricardo had surprised her, it would have been sweet, even though she definitely did want to be the one who did it herself. Anastasia had crossed a line, and Dee knew that she knew that.
“I don’t care about the nursery. I don’t care if it was painted black, that can always be changed. She invaded our privacy and ruined the surprise. It wasn’t her truth to reveal,” she said crying.
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a bit?” Ricardo asked. Dee was growing more infuriated by the second. She certainly didn’t like feeling like she was in the wrong and not having Ricardo on her side was making things harder.
Anastasia had been in the way too much throughout Dee’s pregnancy. She was over her stepping in where she wasn’t wanted, and Dee was ready for her to leave.
“Look, I didn’t mean anything by it,” Anastasia told her, “you just seem, stressed, is all.”
Dee could tell Anastasia was being condescending. “Can you just leave please? I want to talk to the father of my son.” Dee was fuming. She didn’t want to have to look at Anastasia’s blonde bouncy waves or long thin legs anymore. Anastasia grabbed a few papers from the desk and walked out of the room.
Dee suddenly realized how dumb she was for disliking Anastasia and feeling threatened by her all this time. Anastasia was just a groupie, trying to do whatever it took to bring the other women around Ricardo down. She stood tall and straight as Anastasia passed, not wanting to make her think for a second that she was afraid of her.
She hadn’t expressed her feelings for Anastasia to Ricardo because she didn’t want him to think that she was needy or insecure. She was glad now that she hadn’t said anything, realizing she shouldn’t waste an emotion on Anastasia. Ricardo was the one she was mad at now. He might not have agreed with her, but she didn’t appreciate him making her feel like she was crazy.
“Do you even care about our child?” she asked, tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t so sure she would be ready for the reaction. It was out of the blue, but it was something that she had been wanting to ask him since the day she told him she was pregnant, and he locked himself in his room.
“Of course, I do,” he told her. He didn’t even look up from the papers and photographs he was studying on his desk. “It’s just stressful. You know that.”
“Do you love me?” she asked crying. It was scary to ask, but it was something she had been wanting to know for ages now. She didn’t like sharing a bed with him, wondering if he was there just to feel a warm body or if it was where he had always wanted to be.
“How could I not? You’re the mother of my child,” he explained. Ricardo clearly wasn’t interested in a confrontation, but Dee wasn’t really giving him a choice. She wanted to confront these anxieties she’d been having throughout the pregnancy.
“But are you in love?” she cried. He stayed silent. She felt sick, like she wanted to run away.
She was carrying his child, but that didn’t mean that she should stick around. Dee was starting to realize that maybe this wasn’t the place for her after all. She wanted someone that would stand up for her and tell her how much they loved her, not afraid of her emotions. He still didn’t say anything, Dee knowing his answer.
“So, what are we? I don’t just want to be someone to keep your bed warm,” Dee explained.
Ricardo took off his glasses and leaned back in his chair, looking down at the papers.
“I didn’t ask for any of this,” Ricardo said, looking right at her. She suddenly felt like a burden he had to deal with.
“I know you didn’t,” Dee responded. Had she really asked for him to get her pregnant either? She was confused and frustrated with what he was trying to say.
She was an amazing woman, and she deserved to be treated that way. She didn’t want to have to question that constantly. She had a little girl to think about and now a son on the way. She didn’t have time to let some artist with too much inner turmoil throw her and her kids into a mess. She didn’t know what else to say and he wasn’t doing much talking either.
She watched his chest move up and down heavily, wanting badly to run into it, feeling his arms wrap around her. At the same time, she wanted to flip his chair over, or maybe roll it out of the office and down the stairs.
“I want you Ricardo. I want us to be a family. If you don’t want the same, maybe we shouldn’t be together,” she explained. That was the truth, and though it was hard to say, it was what needed to be repeated out loud. He rubbed his eyes, obviously considering what she just said. How long it took for him to answer was enough of a sign for her that this wasn’t the situation she thought it was.
“Maybe you should stay at your mom’s. The new furniture should be in by the end of next month,” he said. “You might be able to move in before the baby comes.”
Her baby was due at the beginning of November, so being able to get into the new house before the baby came would certainly be a benefit. Dee was incredibly excited to move into her new house. She hoped she’d just be able to do it with her new family, however.
“So that’s it? You’re just going to throw this all away?” she asked. She had wished she had this conversation with him sooner instead of doing her best to avoid it all along. She had punished herself for too long, teasing her own emotions wondering what his were. It was frustrating and disappointing.
“I’m just going to see if Anastasia can get me a flight back to L.A.,” he told her. “I need a break. I need to see my friends, my son. I just need to get away.”
“I see,” she said. The apartment was certainly big enough that the two could go weeks without running into each other, but still, she didn’t want to stay somewhere she wasn’t welcome. She walked out of the office and broke down crying. She was relieved that she sent Keisha to Marge’s that night, not wanting her to experience the pain of seeing her mother sob.
She felt guilty putting Keisha through this transition again. She had very little say in most things, being such a small child. Dee packed up a few of her things and a few of Anastasia’s things as well, knowing that going back home with her family was the place she needed to be after hearing what Ricardo really had to say, or not say, about their relationship. They got on her nerves, knew how to agitate her, and asked too many questions, but she never had to wonder whether or not they actually loved her.
Chapter13
Dee walked in the door to silence, assuming that’s what she was going to get anyways. The baby shower ended before the sunset, but people had still stuck around, starting to crack open beers. Dee figured it’d turn into a party, but it seemed everyone was already in bed by the time Dee had arrived at the house. She spent some time crying in bed, took a shower, and packed things for her and Keisha, not saying anything else to Ricardo before she left. It hurt knowing that he was fine with just watching her walk out the door, but if that was the man he was, then she was glad she found that out sooner than later. Still didn’t feel soon enough, but she couldn’t be too picky.
Dee looked around the house, liking that it was small and humble. She had forgotten what cozy places had felt like the past few months, hopping around fancy restaurants in the city and spending her time in the massive and open loft. Even though the house was smaller than what she was used to now, she was still feeling lonely walking into the dark home. She was happy she hadn’t given her keys back yet, wondering if she would have been locked out of the house. If it was this lonel
y at the house filled with people past dark, what was it going to be like at the house Ricardo had built for her? Was she going to be living there alone?
That would certainly be nice, but at the same time, she didn’t want to be a single mom anymore. She was excited to decorate the home and help it grow to her taste, creating a sanctuary for her children and her family. At the same time, she didn’t want to do it alone. Ricardo was pretty skeptical about their relationship for a while, never giving her a clear answer. She had just hoped that meant they were taking things slow, not that he was slowly trying to distance himself from her.
She felt so good with Ricardo, but something was just a little off. That doubt weighed heavily on her. Part of a true relationship was trust and knowing that the other person was there for you and always going to be there for you. She knew that Ricardo was always going to be there for her kids, but that didn’t mean that he would be the support system she was looking for.
Dee set her stuff down by the stairs and walked to the fridge, excited to eat some leftovers from the party. She saw a beer sitting in the fridge, wanting more than anything to crack it open. She remembered that even after she gave birth, she’d still have to wait until she was done breast-feeding to have a beer again. She filled a plate with whatever she could find and made her way into the living room, seeing if there was anything worth watching left on nighttime TV. It was hard for her to stop thinking about Ricardo, unfortunately.
He wasn’t an easy person to get to open up. He was even harder to try and understand. Dee was very to the point and liked to lay things out there. It might take her a while to get there, but once she was ready to open up, she was willing to spill all of her feelings. As she shoveled cake into her face, she heard the front door jiggle.
Sydney and Janet came stumbling in. Dee realized that they hadn’t been asleep, but instead, they must have gone out after the baby shower. Dee didn’t expect anything less from the two party girls.
“Sis what are you doing here?” Sydney said. Dee started crying, feeling overwhelmed by the reality of the situation. “Oh my gosh, what’s wrong?”
“Sweet girl what happened to you?” Janet asked, sitting down next to her crying daughter. Dee could smell the alcohol on the two, but she figured now was the best time to unleash the truth.
“Mom, I have to come home,” Dee said crying. She was pregnant and with a child already, no idea what the future held. “He doesn’t love me.”
Dee was hysterical at this point. Sydney had come to sit next to her on the other side, both women holding Dee and doing their best to keep her from sobbing any harder. Dee started to worry about putting that much stress on the baby, but at the same time, it felt good to get everything out. She felt like she had been holding too much in during her and Ricardo’s time together.
“I knew he’d just use you up,” Janet told her first daughter. “You always let these men use you.”
“Me? I let men use me? What do you do with them Mom?” Dee said. She was getting upset that that was her mother’s reaction. Like it was somehow Dee’s fault that Ricardo didn’t want to marry and start a family with her. Ricardo hadn’t used her for anything. She felt like part of her used him, though she certainly felt real love for the man and father of her child.
“Child don’t drag me into this,” Janet said, pulling away from Dee a bit. She was annoyed that her mother always knew how to turn something into a personal attack, and she figured out it was probably best to avoid having this conversation with her drunk mother who was probably looking for a bit of a fight.
Her mom wasn’t too far off, however. She was on the right track to follow in her mother’s footsteps. Would she be her age, have three different kids from three different men that left her and living with her grandmother? She’d have the house, but that didn’t mean that she wouldn’t be alone. Ozzie wasn’t around because he died, but if he hadn’t been shot, would he still have wanted to be with Dee? She started to wonder if it was possible for anyone to love her besides her family members that had to do so unconditionally.
Dee certainly loved her mother unconditionally, but she didn’t want to end up like her. She prioritized men too much, forgetting to take care of herself and her children. Dee did not want to be that person, hoping that her children would always come first, then herself, then the man in her life. She had put too much pressure on Ricardo. She became dependent on him, not standing up for herself and getting what she expected from him.
She hated watching her mother let men walk all over her, not wanting to deal with a real adult relationship. Sleazy guys came in and out of her life, but it seemed like that’s all that had any interest in the single mother of three different kids from three different fathers. She wasn’t even sure who the father of Jordan was, potentially being two different men that wanted nothing to do with Janet. Dee got anxiety again thinking about her next child. Would this be it for her? Would she be able to find another man that would take on two of her kids? Dee didn’t want to start over.
It wasn’t even that she was scared of dating again, she just didn’t think that she would be able to fall for someone other than Ricardo. For that, she felt like she was in love with him. Her heart hadn’t ached that much in a long time, realizing it was likely because it was broken by someone she had given it to.
“I’m just going to go to bed,” Dee said, walking upstairs to her bed, leaving the plate of food on the table and the TV still running. Sydney looked angrily at Janet, mad that she made Dee feel worse than she already had felt.
She walked upstairs, glad to see that her bed was in the same place, still with the same sheets and blankets on it as well. She thought that she’d never have to sleep on that bed again, but here she was.
Dee knew that she would always be taken care of, but it wasn’t the money that scared her. That used to be her biggest stressor and priority. Now that she knew she wouldn’t have to worry about that, other anxieties set in and she couldn’t seem to shut her brain off if she wanted to. Being alone was something that started to scare her more than being broke. She just didn’t want to have to see another child grow up alone like she did Keisha. When she took her first step, said her first word, and did anything else that seemed like a milestone for a toddler, Dee was alone. She didn’t have someone there to laugh and celebrate with her when Keisha learned something amazing.
She had her mother, grandmother, Marge and Sydney, of course. It’s not like they weren’t enough, she just wanted to have someone next to her all the time, reminding her that she wasn’t alone. Another parent to help her through the tough stuff and to celebrate the fun things.
She didn’t want to have to discipline alone. That was another part that scared her about being a single mom. She saw so many women with two or more kids in public that would yell at their children, clearly stressed out from being overwhelmed. She didn’t want to turn into that person. She wanted to be a happy mom, the kind that walked hand in hand with their toddler and the father down the sidewalk, not a care in the world. She started to wonder if that would ever happen at all for her, let alone just occur with Ricardo.
She didn’t want to be the one to wake up every single time the baby cried at night. Having Ricardo step in to help out with Keisha in the mornings and at night was a dream come true, especially during the uncomfortable periods of her pregnancy. What was she going to do when she woke up every morning and had a baby to feed as well as Keisha to get ready for school? She would have Sydney in the apartment above the garage, but still, that wasn’t the same as waking up next to someone that offered to change the baby’s diaper when it cried. How could she breast-feed a baby at the same time that she had to prepare a meal for another one?
Dee started to realize that her dreams of returning to law school might not be possible as a single mother of two either. She knew now that he was gone that she loved Ricardo, but she was also starting to hate him. How could he do this to her? To Keisha? What was she going to tell her daughter while they st
ayed with their mother? She’d certainly ask about “Rico” wondering where the man that started to become her father had gone. She knew that Ricardo had to spend time with his son before he went to college too, but Keisha had become dependent on him as a caretaker as well, the absence potentially being a harmful and confusing concept for the little girl to grasp.
He might not have been ready for the family life, but she wasn’t ready for the lonely life. Just having someone there to watch TV with and do nothing was the best part about a relationship. Having a warm body to hold her while she fell asleep and a beating heart to wake up to was a reminder to Dee that she was loved and deserved to be treated that way. Now that he was gone, she wondered what flaw in her had led him to leave? Thinking like that was not good for Dee, as Ricardo was the one with the inability to commit. Dee was still hard on herself, wondering what she could have done differently to keep Ricardo around.
She was ready to have someone to share the experiences of watching a little human grow. Seeing Keisha grow into a little human was the most amazing thing Dee had ever witnessed. She had habits that reminded her of Ozzie, however, making her only miss him more. It was hard to get over his death, knowing Keisha would never get the chance to get close to the person that made half of her. She didn’t want to look into the eyes of her and Ricardo’s son, getting reminded of his face and his actions, only to think about how he wasn’t there for her constantly. She loved Keisha, but she was still a partial reminder of what she lost whenever she’d see a bit of Ozzie in her facial expressions or other mannerisms.
All she wanted for her daughter was something that she didn’t have as a child. She was surrounded by strong women that loved her, but Dee certainly wanted to get to know her dad. She would refer to him as a sperm donor, making sure everyone knew that she didn’t care about her dad all too much one way or another. The truth was the opposite. She wanted to get to know him, talk to a person that shared her blood, and hopefully figure out a little bit more about herself than she was able to before she met someone she shared a bloodline with.
