by Kimmy Love
It broke her heart that Keisha would have to go through the same thing she did, wondering if her son was going to have to as well. It was a frustrating and hopeless feeling. She wanted to try and figure out how to get Ricardo back, but at the same time, she also didn’t want to have to fight for someone that wasn’t willing to fight for her.
Dee couldn’t sleep and decided to step outside to get some fresh air. She was feeling hot and stressed, uncomfortable even more in the twin bed she had to sleep in now back at her grandmother’s house.
She saw that Sydney had fallen asleep watching TV, picking at the snacks Dee had left on her plate. Her mother must have gone to bed. She stepped outside, looking at the beautiful city lights visible from the backyard. She remembered what Ricardo had said about Detroit as well. She knew that he didn’t want to live there, so that was something that she had to consider when she was thinking about their relationship. Even if they were mutually in love, would she feel OK making him love somewhere that he wasn’t totally in love with?
Ricardo had certainly seemed to warm up to the city, but at the same time, he would still make comments here and there about the state of the city or mention something that L.A. had that Detroit didn’t. She told herself this was just because he missed his son, but Dee also knew that if it weren’t for her, Ricardo probably wouldn’t have ever gone to Detroit in his life. Now he owned a loft as well as a house. Would she ever even see Pablo again? He was going to be the big brother to her baby, but how often would they really all make the effort to get together if Dee and Ricardo weren’t in a relationship?
Perhaps Dee was just feeling overwhelmed because she hadn’t co-parented before. Still, it was getting to be a bit much for her pregnancy, but she didn’t know how to escape. She wanted to not be stressed and keep cool and calm for her baby but shutting her brain off wasn’t an option.
“Honey, why you out here crying?” her grandmother asked sweetly as she made her way to the back porch through the kitchen door.
“Sorry, I didn’t think anyone would be up,” she said.
“It’s OK baby, your mom woke me up when she got into bed. Did you forget something here?” Nancy asked.
“No,” Dee said, starting to cry again, “I’m going to have to stay here again, if that’s OK. Me and Ricardo, we’re not really working out.”
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” Nancy said as she put her arm around Dee.
“I could have stayed there but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be in that house where he was, and his assistant was,” she said.
“You think that they were up to something?” Nancy asked. Dee didn’t really know how to answer. She didn’t think Ricardo had any interest in Anastasia, or at least he was good at hiding it. She still didn’t like the idea of her prancing around the apartment in high heels and short skirts.
“I don’t want to assume so, but I don’t know if I could trust him. He doesn’t love me Grandma. Do you know how bad that feels?” Dee asked crying.
“I know baby, I know,” Nancy said, hugging her crying daughter. She wasn’t sure that there was anything worse than loving someone but not feeling it back.
“You can’t let that stop you from loving your babies though. You still got plenty of people that think you’re the greatest woman on the planet, and don’t forget it,” Nancy told her.
“But I want him, I want him to love me.” Dee started crying. She felt like a little kid again that had bruised their knee and gone running to grandma. She just wanted Ricardo to love her back and tell her that everything was going to be OK. She wanted to be wrapped in his arms, hearing from him how he was going to take care of her and their little family.
“One thing I know for certain is that you are a strong group of women,” her grandma said sweetly. That was true. All of the girls had been through a lot and they were all still standing.
Breaking away from Ricardo seemed to be a bit of a good thing. She realized she was too dependent on him. She shouldn’t have to look to a man to get validation. She was worth it on her own. If he didn’t want her, that was his loss. She could tell herself that, but deep down, she was still breaking inside.
Her entire life revolved around this man and her children. Of course, they were her world, but she couldn’t forget about herself. She had to remind herself that she was still a strong and independent woman that needed to stop relying on what other people thought for her happiness. Still, now didn’t seem like the time to change her life around.
“I’m sorry Grandma,” Dee explained. “I’m just extremely hormonal.”
“No matter what happens, you’re going to have a beautiful little boy soon to hold and kiss and call your own. That’s all that matters,” Nancy said reassuringly.
“I know, you’re right,” Dee responded. She just wanted her little boy there now, knowing that once she got to finally meet him, she would feel so much love that she would forget about how badly Ricardo treated her, at least hopefully.
“No dumb photographer can make my grandbaby cry,” Nancy responded angrily. Dee laughed and headed inside, realizing that sleep was the best thing for her sore and puffy eyes. She wasn’t going to bed next to Ricardo, and she wondered what he was doing back at the loft at that moment.
Chapter14
Ricardo looked at the photographs in front of him, disgusted with what he saw. He had been trying to get back to taking his own photographs, wanting to open up a gallery in Detroit. He wanted to work with Dee again for a shoot, though she didn’t seem very interested in being his subject again. He had been taking various pictures throughout the city, still not finding what he was looking for in the photographs.
When he was stuck last time, he turned to Dee and Keisha, finding a pretty good source of inspiration in the creativity that poured out of the mind of a little girl. Ricardo hadn’t been stuck like that in a while. He wanted more than anything to go back to the way things were before he met Dee, but at the same time, he couldn’t pretend like his life wasn’t better with them there.
It was just different, and he didn’t adjust to major life developments that well. He liked his independence and privacy, one of the reasons he was so scared and skeptical about growing a relationship with Dee. He liked his solitude and his lifestyle. Thought it might seem selfish to other people, it’s what he wanted and what he liked. He had only wished he didn’t have to hurt Dee so much in the process.
Since the fall campaign had ended, he hadn’t managed to take a decent photograph. He knew what was missing but didn’t want to admit that it was Dee. The city was filled with inspiration, and with all the skills and techniques that he had, Ricardo hoped that he would be able to find what he was looking for in his next exhibit. With everything he was going through personally and romantically, he started to realize that he might have to do more than just blow Dee off. He had already missed Keisha, even though she wasn’t even gone for more than a few days.
He didn’t agree to any projects and instead wanted to start doing his own work, so he would have more time to spend with his family. The added pressure of coming up with something made Ricardo want to distance himself a bit from Dee. It was hard to have so many limitless options, the world waiting to see what his next move was. Part of him blamed that pressure on Dee and Keisha, wanting to do something to make them both proud and get the support from his girls that he needed to keep going.
He hated everything he saw. All of the pictures he was taking lacked something, and he didn’t really know what. He needed to figure that out before he could move on.
Most of that was because he hated himself. He was certainly afraid of failing. No matter how much money he made, it was never enough to silence the self-doubt and make himself hate himself any less. That was something he clearly saw that him and Dee shared. They couldn’t get past the thoughts in their head to let them really fall for each other.
Had he been in love with Dee? He didn’t know. He had trouble knowing anything. One thing he knew for certain was t
hat he hated the photographs he had taken. He ran out of the office and threw them over the edge of the stairs. He ran into the bathroom and looked for anything that he could find that would help him destroy the photographs. He found a huge bottle of bleach, opened the top, and dumped it all over the pictures a story below. The bleach splashed everywhere besides the picture, and part of it got on one of Keisha’s dolls. He walked down the spiral staircase to scope out the destruction he just caused.
The photographs laid on the ground, bleach spots appearing on the plastic surface. It felt therapeutic to destroy something he had worked hard on, and a little symbolic that he had used bleach. He looked at the couch, remembering the destruction that Keisha had also caused. He was like that little girl more than he wanted to admit. They were becoming similar people, Ricardo learning just as much from her as she was from him.
Had he done something terrible? He left the mother of his child alone, but only because he couldn’t handle the fact that he was probably falling for her. Ricardo didn’t know what to think. He wasn’t a confused kid in love anymore, and this time, there was an actual child involved. Two, in fact. All of the morals of the situation and the pressure to do what was right clouded Ricardo’s thoughts, making it harder for him to figure out what he actually wanted from this relationship and from Dee instead of doing what he thought was the right thing to do.
He had a lot of pressure to step up and be a man, but his entire life he tried to reject the ideas of what society thought of him, never doing something just because someone else expected it. Had he sabotaged his relationship with Dee in a blind act of rebellion? The fact that both him and Dee weren’t thinking straight about the situation only proved that they likely were falling for each other after all. Ricardo hadn’t felt like that since he had met his little son Pablo.
Ricardo went to the liquor cabinet and opened a bottle of rum. He looked at the kitchen counter to see a ticket back to Spain left by Anastasia. It was where his first home was, but Ricardo was feeling lost. He didn’t want to go back to L.A. even though that’s what he told Dee. He didn’t want to go back to Spain either. He just didn’t want to be there, in that moment.
Ricardo was hurt and confused and confused about his hurt. He hadn’t felt something like that for anyone in a long time. Alcohol seemed to be the way to drown out his sorrows. He had a problem abusing the substance in the past, but it was what he wanted to do to get the chance to stop thinking about Dee for once. It would be easier to just temporarily forget she existed instead of worrying about her.
Keisha was his chance to have a daughter as well. He had never met a child that was so bright and wise. After Pablo, he thought he never would have kids again, and he didn’t mind too much. His own thoughts and creativity were a little too much for him to handle, having to be responsible for another brain’s development being just a bit too much for him to handle.
Ricardo lay on the long white couch, doing the best he could to push the thought of Dee out of his mind. He just wanted to focus on photography, but with Dee’s face constantly swimming around his mind, he wasn’t sure if that would be possible. He felt something on his back and reached into the cushion, pulling out a doll that shared an eerie resemblance to him.
*****
Dee held Keisha as she cried harder than she had for a while. It was the end of October, and for a Halloween trip, they stayed at a water park. Ever since they got back, Keisha had been feeling sick and lethargic. Dee worried she caught something from the water or one of the other kids that had been playing at the park. Now was not the time to have to deal with such a stressful situation as she was due any day now.
“What’s wrong with her?” Sydney asked. Keisha was crying hard on the couch, and so was Dee as Sydney walked in with Roman, getting home from her boyfriend’s house. Keisha had been crying for an hour now, Dee wondering if she should take her to the hospital.
“My, my ear,” Keisha cried, holding her ear.
“I think she has an ear infection,” Dee replied. They had gone to the water park last week and Keisha wasn’t very good at going under water just yet. She had water trapped up there and likely got an infection. Dee had gotten her some medicine, but Keisha was crying, Dee wondering if the stress of the situation was making it worse for her too. She felt lost and hopeless.
“I have to go to work. I can try to pick something else up on the way home,” Sydney said. “Grandma’s out with a friend, can you watch Roman until she gets back?”
“Sis for real?” Dee asked, not sure how she was going to take care of Keisha as well as Roman.
“I’m already late, I really can’t afford to lose my job just yet. Grandma will be home any time, please sis?” Sydney begged. Roman could probably just play while Dee tried to help calm Keisha.
“Go, go on,” Dee said, doing her best to keep it together even though she was feeling so hopeless and alone. She was getting a glimpse into what it was going to be like with another kid running around while she tried to take care of one. It seemed like having two kids was more than just twice as hard as one. Not only did she have two different kids to take care of but trying to manage the balance between them seemed like a third child altogether.
Janet was still at work and Jordan was at a friend’s house. He was barely around anymore, and Dee couldn’t even remember the last time she saw her brother. He would have been at least helpful for the moment. Dee considered calling Ricardo to help out, but she didn’t want to speak to him again just yet.
Roman started messing around with the TV, turning the volume up way too loud.
“Roman baby please don’t do that right now,” Dee begged. Roman didn’t listen and had turned it to a music station, blasting rap throughout the house. “Roman turn that off now!”
Dee got up and left Keisha sitting there crying for a moment while she chased Roman around the living room, trying desperately to get the controller back from him. “Please honey!”
Roman just laughed while Keisha cried, and the TV blasted. Dee had handled both kids before in worse situations, but her mind wasn’t all hers at the moment, making it difficult to try and regain control.
“Mommy help!” Keisha said, crying and grabbing her ear. Roman turned the TV louder, despite Dee’s attempts to shut it off from the actual TV. Roman was getting too smart for her and she feared what trouble he was going to cause as he got older and larger.
“Child what is going on in here?” Nancy asked as she walked in with an arm full of groceries. She set the bags down and Dee fell on the couch and cried.
“Child, you better put that remote down right now,” Nancy said to Roman very sternly. He did exactly what she asked and sat down on the couch next to Keisha. “Oh, baby girls, what happened to y’all?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She’s been sick all day,” Dee said, tears streaming down her face.
“Is she sad?” Roman asked.
“We’re all sad baby,” Dee told Roman, putting her arm around him. He was annoying but there was no denying he was pretty adorable.
“She just needs to relieve some pain. I got some medicine in the cabinet that will help clear that up right away. First let me get her something for the aching,” Nancy told her. Dee was relieved to have someone there to help her. Normally she wouldn’t be such a mess. She managed to raise Sydney and Jordan and would watch Roman when she had Keisha if Sydney needed her to. It was all hitting her too much, the reality of being a single mother to two small children really setting in for Dee.
“There there sweet girls, it’s OK,” Nancy said. She ran hot water over a towel and placed it on Keisha’s head.
“What’s goin on baby girl?” Nancy asked sweetly. “I’ve never seen you like this child.”
Dee normally was a strong and reserved girl, but what she had been through with Ricardo had really made her feel like she got hit by a bus. She didn’t even know if being with him would be enough to help relieve that anxiety anymore.
First seeing
him in the Bahamas had flashed before her eyes, when everything was simple and easy. There weren’t real-life stresses getting in the way of their relationship. They had fun when times were good, and it was almost enough for Dee to want to forgive him for not telling her that he loved her. At the same time, she realized that if they couldn’t make it through the tough stuff, maybe they weren’t meant to be together after all. She still thought of him and his deep eyes every time things got a little hard, and that had to mean something.
“I’m falling apart,” Dee cried. “I can’t do it on my own.”
Dee had thought when she moved in with Ricardo that her life was going to change for the better for the rest of her life. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and she only ended up leaving with even more stressors. He had still given her a son, and she was beyond excited to meet him. At the same time, she wondered where her life might be had she just told him to go away at the convenience store, never actually going in on a real relationship with him.
That thought stung too much, and instead she turned her focus on Keisha, who had stopped crying and fell asleep with the hot towel on her ear.
“We should flip her over to let it drain. I’ll get the medicine,” Nancy said as she got up to go to the bathroom. Roman had completely zoned out and was watching the dancers on the TV. Normally Dee might turn off something like that, not wanting him to see the almost nude dancers throwing money around. At the same time, she was relieved that he was being quiet and not bothering them anymore.
Dee certainly had it in her, but right now, she was feeling broken. She was sore, tired, hormonal, and stressed. Ricardo wouldn’t necessarily help this situation, but she wanted a partner she could lean on in a time that wasn’t going so great. As she sat there and watched the dancers throw money across the screen, Keisha sleeping next to her, she realized it wasn’t that she needed Ricardo there to do it. She could have helped out Keisha herself, she was her mother after all.
