The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 1:

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘You couldn’t have done a wiser thing. Your own idea?’

  ‘No. Jeeves’s.’

  I could not restrain a wistful sigh.

  ‘Jeeves is a wonder.’

  ‘A marvel.’

  ‘What a brain!’

  ‘Size nine-and-a-quarter, I should say.’

  ‘He eats a lot of fish. What a pity he has no ear for music,’ I said moodily. Then I stifled regret and tried to think not of my bereavement but of Chuffy’s bit of luck. ‘Well, this is fine,’ I said heartily. ‘I hope you will be very, very happy. I can honestly say that I always look on Pauline as one of the nicest girls I was ever engaged to.’

  ‘I wish you would stop harping on that engagement.’

  ‘Quite.’

  ‘I’m trying to forget that you ever were engaged to her.’

  ‘Quite, quite.’

  ‘When I think that you were once in a position to …’

  ‘But I wasn’t. Never lose sight of the fact that the betrothal only lasted two days, during both of which I was in bed with a nasty cold.’

  ‘But when she accepted you, you must have …’

  ‘No, I didn’t. A waiter came into the room with a tray of beef sandwiches and the moment passed.’

  ‘Then you never –?’

  ‘Absolutely never.’

  ‘She must have had a great time, being engaged to you. One round of excitement. I wonder what on earth made her accept you?’

  This had puzzled me too, more than a little. I can only suppose that there is something in me that strikes a chord in the bosoms of these forceful females. I’ve known it happen before, on the occasion when I got engaged to Honoria Glossop.

  ‘I once consulted a knowledgeable pal,’ I said, ‘and his theory was that the sight of me hanging about like a loony sheep awoke the maternal instinct in Woman. There may be something in this.’

  ‘Possibly,’ agreed Chuffy. ‘Well, I’ll be getting along. I suppose Stoker will want to talk to me about the house. You coming?’

  ‘No, thanks. The fact of the matter is, old man, I’m not so dashed keen on mingling with your little troupe. I could stand your Aunt Myrtle. I could even stand little Seabury. But add Stoker and Glossop, and the going becomes too sticky for Bertram. I shall take a stroll about the estate.’

  This demesne or seat of Chuffy’s was a topping place for a stroll, and I should have thought he would have had a certain regret at the thought that it was passing out of his hands, to become a private loony-bin. But I suppose when you’ve been cooped up in a house for years with an Aunt Myrtle and a cousin Seabury for next-door neighbours, you lose your taste for it. I spent an agreeable two hours messing about, and it was well along into the late afternoon when the imperative need for a cup of tea sent me sauntering round to the back premises, where I anticipated finding Jeeves.

  A scullerymaid of sorts directed me to his quarters, and I sat down in the comfortable certainty that ere long the steaming pot and buttered toast would be to the fore. The happy ending of which Chuffy had recently apprised me had induced contentment, and a nice hot cup and slab of toast would, I felt, just top the thing off.

  ‘In fact, Jeeves,’ I said, ‘even muffins would scarcely be out of place on an occasion like this. I find it very gratifying to reflect that Chuffy’s storm-tossed soul has at last come safely into harbour. You heard about Stoker promising to buy the house?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘And the engagement?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘I suppose old Chuffy is feeling great.’

  ‘Not altogether, sir.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘No, sir. I regret to say that there has been something in the nature of a hitch.’

  ‘What! They can’t have quarrelled already?’

  ‘No, sir. His lordship’s relations with Miss Stoker continue uniformly cordial. It is with Mr Stoker that he is on distant terms.’

  ‘Oh, my God!’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘The origin of the trouble was a physical contest between Master Dwight Stoker and Master Seabury, sir. You may recollect my mentioning that during luncheon there appeared to be a lack of perfect sympathy between the young gentlemen.’

  ‘But you said –’

  ‘Yes, sir. Matters were smoothed over at the time, but they came to a head again some forty minutes after the conclusion of the meal. The young gentlemen had gone off together to the small morning-room, and there, it appears, Master Seabury endeavoured to exact from Master Dwight the sum of one shilling and sixpence for what he termed protection.’

  ‘Oh, golly!’

  ‘Yes, sir. Master Dwight, I gathered, declined in a somewhat high-spirited manner to kick in, as I believe the expression is, and one word led to another, with the result that at about three-thirty sounds indicative of a brawl were heard proceeding from the morning-room, and the senior members of the party, repairing thither, discovered the young gentlemen on the floor surrounded by the debris of a china cabinet which they had overturned in their struggle. At the moment of their arrival, Master Dwight appeared to be having somewhat the better of the exchanges, for he was seated on Master Seabury’s chest, bumping his head on the carpet.’

  It will give you some idea of the grave concern which this narrative was occasioning me, when I say that my emotion on hearing this was not a sober ecstasy at the thought that after all these long years somebody had at last been treating little Seabury’s head as it ought to be treated, but a sickening dismay. I could see whither all this was tending.

  ‘Gosh, Jeeves!’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘And then?’

  ‘The action then became, as it were, general, sir.’

  ‘The old brigade lent a hand?’

  ‘Yes, sir, the initiative being taken by Lady Chuffnell.’

  I moaned.

  ‘It would be, Jeeves. Chuffy has often told me that her attitude towards Seabury resembles that of a tigress towards its cub. In Seabury’s interests she has always been inclined to stamp on the world’s toes and give it the elbow. I have heard Chuffy’s voice absolutely quiver when describing the way in which, in the days before he contrived to shoot them off to the Dower House and they were still living at the Hall, she always collared the best egg at breakfast and slipped it to the little one. But go on.’

  ‘On witnessing the position of affairs, her ladyship uttered a sharp cry and struck Master Dwight with considerable force on the right ear.’

  ‘Upon which, of course –?’

  ‘Precisely, sir. Mr Stoker, espousing the cause of his son, aimed a powerful kick at Master Seabury.’

  ‘And got him, Jeeves? Tell me he got him.’

  ‘Yes, sir. Master Seabury was rising at the moment, and his attitude was exceptionally well adapted for the receipt of such an attack. The next moment, a heated altercation had broken out between her ladyship and Mr Stoker. Her ladyship called to Sir Roderick for support, and he – somewhat reluctantly, it appeared to me – proceeded to take Mr Stoker to task for the assault. High words ensued, and the upshot of it was that Mr Stoker with a good deal of warmth informed Sir Roderick that if he supposed that he, Mr Stoker, intended to purchase Chuffnell Hall after what had occurred, he, Sir Roderick, was in grave error.’

  I buried the head in the hands.

  ‘Upon this –’

  ‘Yes, get it over, Jeeves. I can see what’s coming.’

  ‘Yes, sir. I agree with you that the whole affair has something of the dark inevitability of Greek tragedy. Upon this, his lordship, who had been an agitated auditor, gave vent to a startled exclamation and urged Mr Stoker to disclaim these words. It was his lordship’s view that Mr Stoker, having given his promise to purchase Chuffnell Hall, could not, as an honourable man, recede from his obligation. Upon Mr Stoker replying that he did not care what he had promised or what he had not promised and continuing to asseverate that not a penny of his money should be expende
d in the direction indicated, his lordship, I regret to say, became somewhat unguarded in his speech.’

  I moaned another bar or two. I knew what old Chuffy was capable of when his generous nature was stirred. I had heard him coaching his college boat at Oxford.

  ‘He ticked Stoker off?’

  ‘With considerable vigour, sir. Stating in an extremely candid manner his opinion of the latter’s character, commercial probity, and even appearance.’

  ‘That must have put the lid on it.’

  ‘It did appear to create a certain coldness, sir.’

  ‘And then?’

  ‘That terminated the distressing scene, sir. Mr Stoker returned to the yacht with Miss Stoker and Master Dwight. Sir Roderick has gone to secure accommodation for himself at the local inn. Lady Chuffnell is applying arnica to Master Seabury in his bedroom. His lordship, I believe, is taking the dog for a run in the west park.’

  I mused.

  ‘When all this happened, had Chuffy told Stoker he wanted to marry Miss Stoker?’

  ‘No, sir.’

  ‘Well, I don’t see how he can very well do it now.’

  ‘I fancy the announcement would not be cordially received, sir.’

  ‘They will have to meet by stealth.’

  ‘Even that will be a little difficult, sir. I should have mentioned that I chanced to be an auditor of a conversation between Mr and Miss Stoker, from the substance of which I gathered that it was the gentleman’s intention to keep Miss Stoker virtually in durance vile on board the yacht, not permitting her to go ashore during the remainder of their enforced stay in the harbour.’

  ‘But you said he didn’t know anything about the engagement.’

  ‘Mr Stoker’s motive in immuring Miss Stoker on the vessel is not to prevent her encountering his lordship, but to obviate any chance of her meeting you, sir. The fact that you embraced the young lady has convinced him that her affection for you has persisted since your parting in New York.’

  ‘You’re sure you really heard all this?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘How did you come to do that?’

  ‘I was conversing with his lordship at the moment on one side of a screen of bushes, when the conversation which I have described broke out on the other side. There was no alternative but to overhear Mr Stoker’s remarks.’

  I started visibly.

  ‘You were talking with Chuffy, did you say?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘And he heard all that, too?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘About me kissing Miss Stoker?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘Did it seem to stir him up?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘What did he say?’

  ‘He mentioned something about scooping out your inside, sir.’

  I wiped the brow.

  ‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘this calls for careful thought.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘Advise me, Jeeves.’

  ‘Well, sir, I think it might be judicious if you were to attempt to persuade his lordship that the spirit in which you embraced Miss Stoker was a purely brotherly one.’

  ‘Brotherly? You think I could get away with that?’

  ‘I fancy so, sir. After all, you are an old friend of the young lady. It would be quite understandable that you should bestow a kindly and dispassionate kiss upon her on learning of her betrothal to so close an intimate as his lordship.’

  I rose.

  ‘It may work, Jeeves. It is, at least, worth trying. I shall now leave you, to prepare myself for the ordeal before me with silent meditation.’

  ‘Your tea will be here in a moment, sir.’

  ‘No, Jeeves. This is no time for tea. I must concentrate. I must have that story right before he arrives. I dare say I shall be getting a call from him shortly.’

  ‘It would not surprise me if you were to find his lordship awaiting you at your cottage now, sir.’

  He was absolutely correct. No sooner had I crossed the threshold than something exploded out of the armchair and there was Chuffy, gazing bleakly upon me.

  ‘Ah!’ he said, speaking the word between clenched teeth and generally comporting himself in an unpleasant and disturbing manner. ‘Here you are at last!’

  I slipped him a sympathetic smile.

  ‘Here I am, yes. And I have heard all. Jeeves told me. Too bad, too bad. I little thought, old man, when I bestowed a brotherly kiss on Pauline Stoker by way of congratulating her on your engagement, that all this trouble would be bobbing up so soon afterwards.’

  He continued to give me the eye.

  ‘Brotherly?’

  ‘Essentially brotherly.’

  ‘Old Stoker didn’t seem to think so.’

  ‘Well, we know what sort of a mind old Stoker has got, don’t we?’

  ‘Brotherly? H’m!’

  I registered manly regret.

  ‘I suppose I shouldn’t have done it –’

  ‘It was lucky for you I wasn’t there when you did.’

  ‘– But you know how it is when a fellow you’ve been at private school, Eton and Oxford with gets engaged to a girl on whom you look as a sister. One is carried away.’

  It was plain that a struggle was going on in the old boy’s bosom. He glowered a bit and paced the room a bit and, happening to trip over a footstool, he kicked it a bit. Then he became calmer. You could see Reason returning to her throne.

  ‘Well, all right,’ he said. ‘But in future a little less of this fraternal stuff.’

  ‘Quite.’

  ‘Switch it off. Resist the impulse.’

  ‘Certainly.’

  ‘If you want sisters, seek them elsewhere.’

  ‘Just so.’

  ‘I don’t want to feel, when I’m married, that at any moment I may come into the room and find a brother-and-sister act in progress.’

  ‘I quite understand, old man. Then you still intend to marry this Pauline?’

  ‘Intend to marry her? Of course I intend to marry her. I’d look a silly ass not marrying a girl like that, wouldn’t I?’

  ‘But how about the old Chuffnell scruples?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Well, if Stoker is not going to buy the Hall, aren’t you rather by way of being back in the position you were in before, when you would not tell your love, but let the thought of Wotwotleigh like a worm i’ the bud feed on your damask check?’

  He gave a slight shudder.

  ‘Bertie,’ he said, ‘don’t remind me of a time when I must have been absolutely potty. I can’t imagine how I ever felt like that. You can take it as official that my views have changed. I don’t care now if I haven’t a bean and she’s got a packet. If I can dig up seven-and-six for the licence and the couple of quid or whatever it is for the man behind the Prayer Book, this wedding is going through.’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘What does money matter?’

  ‘Quite.’

  ‘I mean, love’s love.’

  ‘You never spoke a truer word, laddie. If I were you, I’d write her a letter embodying those views. You see, she may think that, now your finances are rocky once more, you will want to edge out.’

  ‘I will. And, by Jove!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Jeeves shall take it to her. Thus removing any chance of old Stoker intercepting it.’

  ‘Could he, do you think?’

  ‘My dear chap! A born letter-intercepter. You can see it in his eye.’

  ‘I mean, could Jeeves take it? I don’t see how.’

  ‘I should have told you that Stoker wanted Jeeves to leave me and enter his service. At the time I thought I had never heard such crust in my life, but now I am all for it. Jeeves shall go to him.’

  I got on to the ruse or scheme.

  ‘I see what you mean. Operating under the Stoker banner, he will be free to come and go.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘He can take a letter from you to her
and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one …’

  ‘Yes, yes. You’ve got the idea. And in the course of this correspondence we can fix up some scheme for meeting. Have you any idea how long it takes to clear the decks for a wedding?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I believe, if you get a special licence, you can do it like a flash.’

  ‘I’ll get a special licence. Two. Three. Well, this has certainly put the butter on the spinach. I feel a new man. I’ll go and tell Jeeves at once. He can be on that yacht this evening.’

  At this point he suddenly stopped. The brow darkened once more and he shot another of those searching looks at me.

  ‘I suppose she really does love me?’

  ‘Dash it, old man, didn’t she say so?’

  ‘She said so, yes. Yes, she said so. But can you believe what a girl says?’

  ‘My dear chap!’

  ‘Well, they’re great kidders. She may have been fooling me.’

  ‘Morbid, laddie.’

  He brooded a bit.

  ‘It seemed so dashed odd that she should have let you kiss her.’

  ‘I took her by surprise.’

  ‘She could have sloshed you on the ear.’

  ‘Why? She naturally divined that the embrace was purely brotherly.’

  ‘Brotherly, eh?’

  ‘Wholly brotherly.’

  ‘Well, it may be so,’ said Chuffy doubtfully. ‘Have you any sisters, Bertie?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘But, if you had, you would kiss them?’

  ‘Repeatedly.’

  ‘Well … Oh, well … Well, perhaps it’s all right.’

  ‘You can believe a Wooster’s word, can’t you?’

  ‘I don’t know so much. I remember you once, the morning after the Boat Race our second year at Oxford, telling the magistrates your name was Eustace H. Plimsoll and that you lived at the Laburnams, Alleyn Road, West Dulwich.’

  ‘That was a special case, calling for special measures.’

  ‘Yes, of course … Yes … Well … Well, I suppose it’s all right. You really do swear there’s absolutely nothing between you and Pauline now?’

  ‘Nothing. We have often laughed heartily at the thought of that moment’s madness in New York.’