Emma's War

by Rosie Clarke

  I was not sure whether Sheila meant to come back for her daughter one day, but already I was beginning to hope she would go to America with Todd and forget all about us.

  I had wanted a daughter so much, and believed I might never be able to have one. Now I had Lizzy. I smiled as I looked across the room into Margaret’s eyes and knew that she was thinking the same thing.

  Lizzy would be our child to love and care for. We would share her, making the most of her visit – whether it was for days or years.

  James was a little wary when I took Lizzy up to the nursery. He knew her, of course. They had played together at Jane’s party, and met now and then when Sheila and I had had tea together. He listened as I explained that Lizzy’s mother had gone away for a while.

  ‘Lizzy has come to stay with us,’ I told him. ‘I want you to be a good boy, James. It will be nice for you to have a friend to play with. Perhaps you could show her your toys? She hasn’t got any at the moment. You might find a few she can borrow.’

  James was assessing the situation. I could see that he was not too certain he wanted another child in his nursery. He was not sure whether to be pleased or cross. In his heart, I believed he welcomed the arrival of a playmate, yet his instincts were to guard what belonged to him.

  ‘You have such a lot of toys,’ I said, bending to kiss the top of his head. ‘Be a big boy and share a few of them, darling. Be nice to Lizzy, please?’

  ‘Not car,’ he said, a mutinous set to his mouth. ‘Lizzy not go in car.’

  ‘You show her how to build with your blocks,’ I suggested. ‘Tell her what she can play with, James. It is your nursery. You must be nice to Lizzy and look after her. She is your guest, and we should always be polite and nice to guests, shouldn’t we?’

  I knew that I was asking a lot of my son. He was a bright, intelligent boy, but still very young, and he had been accustomed to having his own way and being the centre of attention. He would find it difficult to adjust, and yet it would be good for him to learn to share. I had sometimes worried that he was being spoiled too much.

  ‘Lizzy play with bricks,’ he said, seeming to make up his mind. ‘James show her, Mummy. Mummy go away now.’

  ‘Go and play with James now,’ I said, letting go of Lizzy’s hand and giving her a little push towards him. ‘Be a good girl, Lizzy. Nanny will look after you. You can ask her for the potty or a drink when you want one. I’ll come and see you in the morning.’

  She let go of my hand reluctantly, but as James began to talk to her, very much the master of his domain, I saw that she was fascinated, not just by the toys but also by him.

  ‘May I have a word with you, Mrs Reece?’

  ‘Yes, of course, Nanny. Come out to the landing with me. I think they will be all right on their own for a few minutes.’

  She followed me outside, her manner a little affronted and clearly disapproving.

  ‘Am I to understand that the child is to stay here permanently?’

  ‘Lizzy will be living with us for the time being,’ I replied. ‘I am not yet sure whether it will be permanent.’

  ‘I don’t know that I can manage both, Mrs Reece. Master James is quite a handful, and the girl … well, we shall see how she turns out.’ She sniffed her disapproval.

  ‘If it is too much for you I shall have to think about getting help for you, Nanny. But Lizzy is usually a quiet child. And of course, James will be starting school next year. I could think about a nursery place sooner, but I had arranged for him to begin next spring. He will be coming up to six then and …’

  ‘Oh no,’ she said quickly. ‘Don’t send him to school yet, Mrs Reece. I didn’t mean I couldn’t cope. Just that I wasn’t sure about the girl. How is she to be treated?’

  ‘As if she were my daughter,’ I replied. ‘Lizzy is a lovely little girl, Nanny. I’ve always thought her good-tempered and obedient. Perhaps too quiet …’

  A scream of outrage from the nursery seemed to contradict my words. As Nanny and I both rushed back to the room it was to see Lizzy and James struggling for possession of a rather battered old teddy bear. Nanny moved as though to intervene, but I laid my hand on her arm as Lizzy suddenly let go and turned her attention to the building blocks. James immediately dropped the bear and went over to his pedal car. Lizzy watched for a moment, then inched her way towards the teddy and picked it up, hugging it to her. James had seen her but was apparently unconcerned.

  ‘It’s probably best to let them settle things between themselves,’ I said to Nanny. ‘James just wants her to understand he is in charge, that this is his territory. I think he will rather enjoy having her here when he gets used to the idea.’

  ‘We must hope so,’ Nanny replied in a tone that showed she did not believe it for a moment. ‘We must watch and hope for the best, madam.’

  Yes,’ I said and smiled at her. ‘But I am sure they will get on very well, Nanny. There is no reason why they shouldn’t, is there?’

  She did not say another word, but her manner made it clear that she thought of Lizzy as an unwelcome intrusion into the nursery.

  Sol did not take as kindly to Lizzy’s arrival as Margaret had.

  ‘You’re a fool to let yourself be used, Emma,’ he told me. ‘Sheila will take advantage of you as often as you allow her to get away with it. You and Margaret will become fond of the child, then as like as not, Sheila will take her back.’

  ‘Yes, I know it could happen,’ I agreed. ‘So does Margaret. We are not fools, Sol, but neither of us wants to put the girl in a home. Even if we could find one that would take her. You know how difficult things are still. They would probably send her abroad somewhere, Canada or Australia.’

  ‘Well, you and Margaret will have the bother of her,’ Sol said. ‘I never interfere with Margaret in household matters. If you’re both content to have her here, so be it.’

  He was obviously wary of the situation, but short of handing Lizzy over to a children’s home, there wasn’t much any of us could do, and he knew that neither Margaret or I would give her up.

  My mother put her opinion even more bluntly.

  ‘Sheila has been jealous of you for a long time, Emma. It was all right when she had the shop, but since then she’s felt resentful that you’ve done so well for yourself.’

  ‘Yes, I know,’ I said. ‘I’ve been aware of it for a while, Mum, but I’ve always liked her, and she has had a hard time. You can’t deny that, can you?’

  ‘So did you.’ Mum grimaced. ‘You helped her, gave her plenty of chances. Your father always did say she was a bad lot, and he was right. You mark my words. She’ll let you get fond of the child, then she’ll come and take her away from you. That will give her no end of pleasure!’

  ‘Lizzy is Sheila’s daughter. If she wants her back, she can have her. But for the moment, both Margaret and I are enjoying having her here. I’m going to give you her measurements and buy some material, so that you can make her a new dress – if you wouldn’t mind?’

  ‘Of course I don’t,’ Mum said. ‘I’ve always thought Lizzy was a little love – but that doesn’t mean to say that I like her mother. Or that I approve of you taking on Sheila’s daughter.’

  I wouldn’t let my mother put Sheila down. I was already becoming fond of Lizzy and I hoped Sheila would leave her with us, but I had to be fair. If Sheila ever asked for her, I would have to let her go.

  I had come down to visit my mother, bringing James with me but leaving Lizzy at home with Nanny and Margaret. I left my son playing happily with the cat in Mum’s kitchen and walked into the town to spend some time with my friends.

  I called at the butcher’s shop first, and Mary invited me up for a cup of tea in the parlour. Her husband was sitting in a chair by the windows. He looked pale and tired, and I noticed he walked with a pronounced limp as he went out to leave us alone for a while.

  ‘I heard Joe had been wounded,’ I said. ‘Is he getting over it, Mary?’

  ‘He will never get over it complete
ly,’ Mary said and sighed. ‘I suppose we’re lucky he came home alive, Emma, but he went through so much. He won’t talk about how bad it was, but I know it must have been awful.’

  ‘Yes, it must have been. I’m so sorry, Mary. You must find things difficult.’

  ‘It was terrible at first, but I’m getting used to the nightmares now.’

  ‘Nightmares …’ She nodded and I saw the worry in her eyes. ‘I didn’t realize it was so bad for you.’

  ‘Well, at least I’ve got Joe home, and things are all right between us. He hasn’t turned sour the way some men do. You lost Jon so soon. You were only married a few months.’

  ‘Yes …’ For some reason I didn’t want to tell her about Jack. ‘Mum was telling me you were finding it difficult to buy children’s things. I’m going to talk to Madge about stocking a few lines. What is it that you can’t buy in town, Mary?’

  Mary started talking about the price of children’s clothes, and how difficult it was to buy a pretty dress that didn’t cost the earth. When I left her to visit Madge Henty, I had a good idea of what was needed.

  Madge was a little hesitant at first.

  ‘I wouldn’t know what to buy,’ she said.

  ‘Leave it to me, Madge. I think I know where I can get what we shall need. We’ll try just a few things to start with, and see how we go on. If they don’t sell we needn’t have any more.’

  ‘Well, you know best, Emma,’ she said. ‘You haven’t gone far wrong yet. The shop earns twice as much as it did before we became partners, and that’s during the war. Goodness knows what you will do given a proper chance. Send me what you like, and I’ll put it out. I can’t say fairer than that.’

  We chatted for another half an hour, then I went along the street to Robinsons. Gwen had transformed the shop since my last visit. It had a light, bright, welcoming atmosphere and the shelves were bulging. She had crammed her stock into every inch of space and the business was clearly thriving. I had to wait while she served six customers before she had time to talk to me.

  ‘I’m glad you’ve come, Emma,’ Gwen said, smiling at me. ‘Would you like to look at the accounts? We’re nicely in the black at last. I’ve been putting every penny back into stock as we agreed, but now the cash is beginning to mount up again. I’ll need to reorder regularly, of course, but I think I’ve gone as far as I can with the space we’ve got.’

  ‘I shall have to get you a bigger shop,’ I said and laughed. ‘I knew you would do well, Gwen, but I never expected anything like this.’

  Gwen smiled. ‘I think we’re more alike than either of us realized, Emma. I’ve taken to this shop keeping like the proverbial duck to water. I always thought I would like it, and I do.’

  ‘I’m so glad, Gwen. You’ve made a success of the shop, and I’m going to give you a share of the profits. I want to – and you deserve it.’

  Gwen looked pleased, more with the praise than any desire to share the profit. But it was only right that both she and my mother should benefit.

  I told Gwen about the children’s wear I was going to send Mrs Henty.

  ‘Yes, I’ve often thought something like that was needed here. You might think about opening another shop after the war, Emma. I could keep an eye on it for you.’

  ‘I’m not sure what I’m going to be doing by then,’ I said. ‘But it’s a good idea, Gwen. I might be able to set it up for you and Mum before I go away. I should have some money to spare and it would be something you could both share.’

  I was thoughtful as I walked back to my mother’s that evening. She was sitting in a rocking chair by the fire, James asleep on her lap. They both looked very contented and I knew a pang of regret.

  Mum would miss James and me when we went to America. I wanted to go with Jack, longed for the day when he would come to claim me, but it would be hard to leave Mum and my friends.

  She smiled at me.

  ‘Put the kettle on, love. Bert will be back soon.’

  ‘All right. Has James been good?’

  ‘Good as gold. He always is with me.’ She sighed deeply. ‘I’ve been listening to the wireless. Things are going well in Burma. It looks as if the tide is turning everywhere. If the invasion of Europe goes ahead, this year may see the end of the war.’

  ‘I do hope so, Mum.’

  ‘So do I, love. There’s been too much killing, too many lives lost. I’ll be glad when the men start to come home – though some of them will never be the same again. You have only to look at Joe Edwards. He’s a shadow of the man he was, Emma.’

  I nodded. ‘Yes, I know. He looks so pale and Mary says he has nightmares.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. Who wouldn’t after what he’s been through? I feel sorry for her, though. I think it’s going to be hard for her – still I suppose there are men in a worse state than Joe.’

  I nodded and turned away. I tried not to worry about Jack or what might be happening to him, but sometimes it was impossible. There were moments during the long nights when I felt close to despair, when the doubts plagued me and I believed I would never know true happiness again.

  ‘Please come back, Jack. Come back soon. I need you so much my darling. I need you so much …’

  The words were only in my mind, but I said them over and over again.

  Chapter 13

  I read in the newspaper that General Dwight D. Eisenhower had turned Britain into one huge armed camp. The plans for the Allied invasion of Fortress Europe was under way and all coastal areas were closed to visitors. Also, all overseas travel by foreign diplomats in London had been curtailed for the moment. It was evident by the extent and number of troop movements up and down the country that something big was on the cards.

  I suppose I expected that Jack would be involved somewhere, and it was a welcome event but not really a surprise when he walked in as Margaret and I were having tea one Sunday afternoon towards the end of April.

  ‘Oh, Jack!’ I sprang to my feet, my heart pounding madly. ‘I’m so very pleased to see you. Why didn’t you let us know you were coming? Or did you write? I haven’t had a letter for weeks.’

  ‘My letters must have gone astray,’ Jack said. He kissed me. ‘It’s all a bit hectic, Emma. I can’t stay long now – but I wanted to see you. I have to talk to you.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ My mouth was suddenly dry. His manner was so odd. I had never known him to be this reserved. ‘What have I done, Jack? You’re angry …’

  ‘Can we be alone?’ He glanced at Margaret apologetically. ‘Forgive me if I seem rude, but I haven’t much time, and there’s something important I must say to Emma.’

  ‘Of course.’ She smiled at him. ‘I understand.’

  ‘We’ll go to the study.’

  I led the way. My stomach was churning. Something awful had happened. Jack was angry, even nervous – but why?

  In the study, I turned to face him. ‘What is it, Jack? Please tell me. I know something has happened.’

  ‘It is very possible that Jon is alive.’

  His words were so unexpected that I could not immediately take them in. For several seconds, I stared at Jack in stunned disbelief. After all this time! Was it possible? I had given up all expectation of such news long ago.

  ‘Jon alive …’ I took a deep breath. ‘How? Where is he?’

  ‘In France. In a small hostel run by nuns somewhere in the Loire Valley.’ Jack frowned as I went white and sat down on a chair as my legs seemed to give way. ‘I’m sorry. I should have broken the news more gently, but there was no easy way to say it. Are you feeling faint?’

  ‘A bit …’ I sighed, my hands trembling. ‘It’s such a shock, Jack. After all these years … no word at all and now this. Are you sure it is Jon?’

  ‘Pretty sure.’ He looked at me oddly. ‘I heard about the possibility last year …’

  ‘You knew – when you were here last summer?’ He nodded, eyes intent on my face, seeming to ask for understanding. I was shocked, upset. ‘But you didn’t t
ell me. You knew Jon might still be alive and yet you never mentioned it once. Why, Jack?’

  ‘Because we were happy that summer. I didn’t want to spoil things for either of us. Besides, there was nothing we could have done then. Jon is ill, Emma. He almost died at that time. He had been with the French resistance …’

  ‘With … then why didn’t anyone know?’

  ‘It seems he was …’ Jack hesitated, clearly reluctant to tell me the details. ‘After the crash he was taken prisoner and tortured. When he was being transferred to another prison, the convoy was attacked by French resistance fighters. Jon escaped during the shooting, but when the French got to him he was more dead than alive. He knew he was British, but had forgotten everything else. He recovered his health but not his memory, and worked with the men who had saved his life for almost two years, then he was badly injured in a sabotage attack that went wrong. Since then he has been with the nuns.’

  ‘Oh, my poor Jon,’ I whispered, feeling sick and faint again. ‘He was suffering so much pain and all this time we thought he was dead. We had given him up …’

  I had given him up. I had taken a lover and planned a future that did not include him.

  ‘Perhaps it might have been better for him if he had died.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I looked at Jack fearfully. ‘You must tell me the truth.’

  ‘I would rather you had never needed to know,’ Jack said. ‘But if the invasion goes well … Jon may be coming home to England, to a hospital here. I understand he will need treatment. I wanted to tell you before anyone else could.’

  ‘I don’t understand …’

  Jack looked grim. ‘Apparently, a few days ago Flight Lieutenant Jonathan Reece remembered who he was and asked for a message to be sent to you. You will receive official confirmation that your husband is alive soon, and he will be one of the first to be repatriated when the fighting is over.’

  ‘How do you know all this?’ I asked, but of course he would know. Jack had access to British intelligence reports.