Evil Origins: A Horror & Dark Fantasy Collection

by J. Thorn

  We did not have the balls to do this, so instead we came up with the Sick Pool idea. One of the most electrifying conversation topics amongst the GOB was sick days. Many of the women of the faculty took them frequently and without good reason. The GOB, on the other hand, tried to outdo one another in manliness by never taking a sick day. In fact, Charlie missed only one day in his tenure at the school, coming in that morning to do his sub plans with a 106-degree fever.

  For weeks we scouted the campus like general managers at the NFL Combine. Several of us took copious notes, recording patterns of illness or absence amongst the faculty. We engaged our peers with conversation that began, “So, how’ve you been feeling lately? Everything OK?” With a prearranged date set for the inaugural draft, excitement grew.

  At a local bar, the Original Six (just like the NHL, only sicker) gathered for the draft. John, our fearless leader and organizer, passed out the original bylaws that would be modified in future seasons:

  1. Each of the participants will draw faculty names from a hat from the rounds previously set. Whenever one of your names is ill and misses school, you win the pot. Trading or swapping of names is permitted.

  2. The pot will begin with five dollars from each participant. Every week that there is not a winner, the participants will add one dollar each. The pot builds until there is a winner. After there is a winner, the participants start the next week with five dollars each, and the game begins again. Official “weeks” will begin on Thursday night after basketball. This is when we will settle the pot.

  3. The names you draw are yours for the rest of the school year, and there is no limit to the number of pots any particular name wins. For example, if I have Barbie Hull, I win every time she is out sick. However, if you win, that faculty member must be back for five (5) consecutive schooldays before you can win again.

  4. The following reasons are not considered “sick” days (this was amended when the SP expanded to the SAPP, and not without controversy):

  - children’s illness,

  - conference or workshop,

  - bereavement,

  - leaving school early,

  - personal days,

  - jury duty.

  5. Long-term illness or surgery is a winner, but only for the first day. Any absence of five (5) consecutive school days is considered long term. Any faculty member that misses five (5) consecutive school days cannot win again until they have returned for five (5) consecutive school days.

  6. If there are more than two (2) faculty members sick in one week, the tie breaker is activated. One point is awarded for each sick day accrued, regardless if it’s the same person or not. The team with the most points wins that week. We made our rounds during the school day, sticking our heads into classes to see if there might be a sub. I made it a point to check with our secretary as she usually got first word if someone was calling in sick that day.

  As owners, we had to make sure our draft picks performed. Tales of sneezing in the coffee machine and licking computer keyboards abounded. In the end, we had harmless fun at the expense of another. For money. What could be bad about that?

  ***

  Try to find a Halloween costume that will not offend a segment of the population. Go ahead and Google it. I’ll wait.

  Find any? In 2006, Scott Roeben came up with his own list of politically incorrect Halloween costumes and posted them on his website, www.dribbleglass.com:

  Raggedy Ann. This costume clearly objectifies women.

  Werewolf. Offensive to animal advocates and those with male-pattern baldness.

  Cave man. The proper term should be ‘evolutionally challenged’; ‘man’ is overtly sexist; also insulting to those in loincloths.

  Cop. Authority figures should not be ridiculed.

  Grim Reaper. Trivializes death; may also encourage children to use scythes without the necessary supervision.

  Napoleon.Offends the French. (In much the same way deodorant does.)

  Frankenstein’s Monster. Pokes fun at those with psychological or emotional problems, as well as those with identity crises.

  Bride of Frankenstein. Extremely offensive to women—they should not be known by, or valued more, merely because of their husbands.

  Skeleton. Exhibits an insensitivity toward those with eating disorders.

  Angel. Mocks religion and the religious.

  Hunchback of Notre Dame. Ridicules those with physical deformities, as well as those suffering from ‘ligyrophobia,’ a fear of noise.

  Dracula. Endorses the irresponsible practice of transmitting bodily fluids.

  Sigmund Freud. Insults those with the lifelong opinion that a cigar is just a cigar.

  Flapper. Demeaning to women and tassel salesmen.

  Gladiator. Insensitive to cross-dressers.

  Cowboy. Encourages violence, cruelty to animals and spontaneous ‘whooping.’

  Mafioso (mobster, ‘wise guy’). Unfairly stereotypes Italian-Americans. OK, actually, fairly stereotypes Italian-Americans, but it’s still stereotyping.

  Tarzan. Condones mistreatment of minorities and animals. Again, hurtful to those in loincloths.

  Ghost. Glorifies the occult.

  Witch. Religious persecution. Also pertains to warlocks, Gnostics, conjurers, chiromancers, shamans and Druids.

  Leprechaun. Shows contempt for the Irish-American community, as well as the diminutive.

  Presidents. Encourages scorn and contempt for authority figures, at least half of whom have no criminal record whatsoever. (See also ‘Cop.’)

  Characters from Star Wars. Offensive to Star Trek fans.

  Characters from Star Trek. Offensive to Star Wars fans.

  Mummy. Offends Egyptians, embalmers and the undead.

  Genie. Objectifies women; subjects those who may be ‘buxom challenged’ to ridicule. (Note: Same applies to wenches.)

  Pirate. Distasteful to those with hooks for hands and the vision impaired (wearers of eye patches), not to mention parrot owners.

  Zombie. Disrespectful of the dead.

  Princess. Contributes to myth that women must be ‘rescued’ to live happily ever after (same goes for Snow White); also insulting to certain Jewish-Americans.

  Gorilla. Condescending to our friends in the wild kingdom.

  Medusa. Exploits animals; sends the wrong message to young girls by implying women are defined by their physical appearance.

  Gumby. Ridicules those with disfigurements (especially of the head).

  Knight. Offensive to dragons, I imagine.

  Baby. Promotes a lack of respect for youth, human life and those who drool voluminously.

  Biblical Figures. Religion is no laughing matter, except for that part about Noah fitting four million species of animals onto one boat.

  Ballerina. Cruelly mocks the short, not to mention the waif-like.

  Indian. Native-Americans have been oppressed, slaughtered and persecuted—imitation buckskin and feathers are the final insult.

  Devil. Affront to demons and those currently possessed by demons; Satanists are people, too, all right?

  Sports Figures. Belittles our heroes.

  Convict/Prisoner. See ‘Sports Figures’—the groups often seem to overlap.

  Fairy. Offensive to interior designers and choreographers. (Note: The same guideline applies to sprites and pixies.)

  Priest. The Catholic church has enough to worry about without being the butt of jokes (if you’ll pardon the expression).

  Bandito. Racial stereotype; subtly condones handlebar mustaches.

  Headless Horseman. Blatantly sexist; wrongfully pigeonholes equestrians; also involves another physical deformity—offensive to amputees and the headless.

  Viking. Endorses razing; in addition, glorifies pillaging and ravishing.

  Porky Pig. Insensitive to members of the Jewish-American community (as well as members of Weight Watchers).

  Klingon. Unjustly hurtful to illegal, as well as resident, aliens. (See also ‘Characters from Star Tre
k.’)

  Hobo. Derides the economically and hygienically disadvantaged.

  Professional wrestlers. Offensive to just about everybody. (See also ‘Sports Figures.’)

  Mermaid. Slights women and aquatic life simultaneously.

  Daffy Duck. Unkind to those with speech impediments. (Same goes for Elmer Fudd and Barbara Walters.)

  Phantom of the Opera. Unfeeling toward those with physical malformations; shows contempt for those committed to ridding the civilized world of musicals.

  Ninja. Perpetuates stereotype of Asians; also promotes ‘lurking.’

  Albert Einstein. Insulting to those who have a problem comprehending the particle nature of light.

  Chinaman. Sexist; racist; upsetting to immigrants and honor students.

  Clown. Deeply offensive to Geraldo Rivera.

  Aunt Jemima. Racially inflammatory; serves to exacerbate the already incendiary ‘pancake vs. waffle’ debate.

  Robin Hood/Merry Men. Suggests an intolerance for those with alternative lifestyles.

  Aside from those costumes, you should be just fine. Get out there and enjoy your Halloween! Oh, and don’t use the phrase ‘trick or treat.’ Hookers are people, too.

  As you can see, the seriousness of Halloween is something schools take, well, seriously. Every year, the available pool of costume ideas shrinks. Schools have a “no cross-dressing” rule, which on the surface sound reasonable. However, what do you do about Spongebob Squarepants? Is it objectionable if a girl dresses as Spongebob? Do sponges cross-dress? If you cut off Spongebob’s penis, will it grow back?

  Students can be fairly safe by choosing an idea that is innocuous, vague, and quite boring. For instance, dressing as a pumpkin does not offend anyone (that I know of). But then again, I was once chastised by a coworker because I joked during a faculty meeting that one particular student was a “chick magnet.” I did not realize how hurtful my words were to the magnet community. I really have nothing against magnets as long as they stay clear of my computer (I have a restraining order on all magnets).

  When it comes to our use of language, word offensiveness has swung to the far end of the pendulum. All but the most generic labels offend someone, or something, or some idea. As a writer I do understand the power of words. However, I also understand the value in an uncontrollable belly laugh and what it does for morale. Schools need to be serious when it comes to teaching skills such as time management, organization, or how to roll with a sucker punch. These are things kids will need to know as adults. Halloween is not a serious time (unless you own a Halloween costume store, in which case it is very serious). It is a time for kids to dress up, laugh, and enjoy the innocence of childhood before they become lonely, middle-aged moms using the holiday to get their slut on. If Charlie Brown alerted today’s teacher to the bag of rocks he collected, there would be a school-wide ban on rocks and an advisory program created to deal with the trauma created by such rocks.

  ***

  “We need to talk.”

  “Sure. What about?”

  “Well, I’m kind of upset about what you did.”

  I stood there, unsure whether or not to laugh.

  “What was that?” I asked with a slight smirk.

  “The whole French fry thing? I’ve been working really hard on this video, and the footage, well, it was not appropriate.”

  I shifted my weight to the other foot and bit my bottom lip.

  “It didn’t make it into your presentation, did it?”

  “No, but I was quite alarmed by it when I was watching the video. Taking my camera like that, it, eh, it felt like a violation.”

  I looked for the red light on the camera, hoping I was being reverse-pranked, which would have been awesome. It was not blinking.

  “I did not realize that upset you. I won’t murder fries again.”

  The forced smile I received told me there was no humor to be salvaged from this situation, and that it’s best not to prank administrators, who have one third less of a sense of humor than regular people.

  More Than Dead White Guys

  The present shapes the past. It evolves in collective memory, like Cheez Whiz or Fix-A-Flat. History changes with each generation and is as malleable as the future. This notion strikes most people as ludicrous (meaning “unbelievable,” not the rapper) but historians know better.

  ***

  My first Back-to-School Night arrived sooner than expected. Three days prior, I was standing at the pick-up line at the end of the school day when a hurried and frazzled mom yelled at me.

  “Are you getting in, or what?”

  Not the most alluring of prospects, but I am a man, after all.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Am I taking you home or to soccer practice with the other boys?”

  I let a smile creep across my face as I explained to the mom-chauffeur that I was a new teacher, not an eighth-grade boy. I suppose I should have been flattered, but I felt more embarrassed than anything else.

  Teaching fifth grade the first three years of my career put a little distance between me and my students. Unlike my student-teaching experience, I was clearly the adult. Being twenty-two and having seniors, some of which were nineteen, made things a bit murky. It also gave the older girls a reason to kick my libido into overdrive.

  One of the more experienced teachers on the staff gave me all of the horror stories of Back-to-School Night. He shared lurid tales of teachers accidentally dropping the f-bomb (fuck), tripping in front of the room, being caught staring at ass (female), and the best story of all, the zipper. This teacher told me that he went through the entire program with his zipper down. It was not until the end of the night when he realized it, and none of his colleagues had brought it to his attention.

  “You’re an ass,” I remember saying. “There’s no way I would make those mistakes,” I claimed.

  Whether private, parochial, or public, all Back-to-School Nights share a common energy. Parents come to the school, many for the first or only time, and get to meet the teachers. People seek careers in education because they don’t like adults. Therefore, spending an entire evening with them is as much fun as pulling dead animals from underneath a car. It is nerve-racking, boring, repetitive, and necessary.

  That first Back-to-School Night, I hit on key components of the teaching of history, such as why it mattered. Nobody gave a shit. If you are new to teaching, heed my words. The fastest way to get a room full of tired, slightly bored parents to fall asleep or slide the iPhone out is to talk about the curriculum on parents’ night. They don’t care about it. They are there to see what you look like and try to determine if you are a pedophile (male) or hot (female). While my talk went over like a Led Zeppelin, I finished relatively unharmed. A few nerds came up to me afterwards to talk about writing a persuasive essay, nothing I could not handle. When I went into the restroom to urinate at the end of the night, I had one less step to take. My zipper was down.

  ***

  Even when I do sprinkle my Back-to-School Night speech with tidbits of the study of history, I do so with a deliberate spin. Almost all adults alive today see history as completely objective.

  Something happened.

  Somebody wrote about it.

  I read about it.

  When you consider the discipline in those terms, it seems as exciting as the women’s NCAA March Madness tournament. You are probably shaking your head in agreement (about history and the women’s bracket). It was how you learned about the past and what you expect it to be. One man changed this for me and, I am sad to say, it was not a teacher I had in school. I wish I could create my own memories, like being in history class with Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society, but it never happened. The most inspirational history teacher I had was a professor at the University of Pittsburgh, which we will get to later. The man that changed the way I think about history as both a teacher and a learner is Howard Zinn. He passed in 2010, leaving behind a unique legacy and hope for the future and the past.
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  ***

  The biography page on howardzinn.org states:

  Zinn was raised in a working-class family in Brooklyn, and flew bombing missions for the United States in World War II, an experience he now points to in shaping his opposition to war. In 1956, he became a professor at Spelman College in Atlanta, a school for black women, where he soon became involved in the Civil rights movement, which he participated in as an adviser to the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee (SNCC) and chronicled, in his book SNCC: The New Abolitionists. Zinn collaborated with historian Staughton Lynd and mentored a young student named Alice Walker. When he was fired in 1963 for insubordination related to his protest work, he moved to Boston University, where he became a leading critic of the Vietnam War.

  He is perhaps best known for A People’s History of the United States, which presents American history through the eyes of those he feels are outside of the political and economic establishment.

  The biography is an understatement, to say the least. After his passing, dozens of intellectuals, musicians, artists, and entertainers shared their perspective on this influential man which were posted on Zinn’s website.

  Throughout, he reminded us of the history of social change in this country, and kept coming back to the essential lessons that it seems we so often forget or need to learn anew. That change comes from below. That progress comes only with struggle. That we cannot rely on elected officials or leaders. That we have to rely on our collective self-activity, social movements, protest. That change never happens in a straight line, but always has up and downs, twists and turns. That there are no guarantees in history.