Going Solo

by Eric Klinenberg

  The plight of single black professionals, whether male or female, means they have a lot to gain by participating in groups like the Alternatives to Marriage Project. Yet, to Nicky Grist’s consternation, recruiting them into the organization’s campaigns against marital status discrimination has been difficult; they have other political priorities and personal aspirations to pursue. Moreover, groups like AtMP have to compete with far wealthier organizations—including religious institutions and the federal government—whose marriage promotion campaigns only further marginalize people who live alone. “It drives me crazy to see things like Black Marriage Day,” Grist says. “Or, to name my real pet peeve, the use of public antipoverty funds to pay for billboards saying marriage is good for you. What kind of message does this send to people who might want the privileges and benefits that come with marriage but can’t get them? It denies and stigmatizes the real-life experiences of most taxpayers. It’s completely unfair.”

  Though the challenges are daunting, more and more political organizations are attempting to build bases of constituents who identify with the real-life experiences of going solo. The sheer numbers of unmarried people make them too tempting a target: If only they could be mobilized . . . imagine the power they could exert! This logic drove Page Gardner to found Women’s Voices, Women Vote (WVWV), the first organization dedicated to increasing civic participation among unmarried women across the United States. Gardner, a Democratic political strategist and married mother of two in Northern Virginia, started WVWV in 2003 after learning that 20 million single women did not go to the polls in the historically close 2000 election, making them—by some estimates—the nation’s largest group of nonvoters. “In their day-to-day lives, surely these women knew of their individual power,” Gardner wrote. “With WVWV, I wanted to convince them of their individual and collective power.”5

  When the 2008 presidential campaign started, Gardner did everything in her power to turn single women into the new soccer moms or NASCAR dads. Yet single women are not typical swing voters. On the contrary, Democratic pollster Stanley Greenberg’s firm calls them “the largest progressive voting bloc in the country,” and they have a long record of supporting liberal candidates who favor causes such as gun control, public education, expanded access to health care, and prochoice policies. In 2008, Gardner’s main challenge was persuading single women to register and turn out on election day, and she knew this wouldn’t be easy. Compared with married women, single women were about 9 percent less likely to register and 13 percent less likely to vote in 2004. They were also far more likely than married women to vote for John Kerry than for George W. Bush, and Gardner believes that getting even a slightly higher fraction of unmarried women to the polls could have changed the outcome of that election.

  During the 2008 primaries, the prospect that Hillary Clinton would top the Democratic ticket boosted WVWV’s initiatives. Clinton may not be single, but she was hugely popular among unmarried women and her candidacy inspired a burst of engagement. But when Barack Obama won the nomination and pundits began arguing that sexism had played a role in her loss, the organization had to keep its constituents from losing faith. Women’s Voices, Women Vote stepped up its voter registration campaign, which included a “20 million reasons” public service announcement recorded by celebrities, single mothers, and widows, as well as more than a million direct mailings and countless media appearances in which Gardner urged candidates to help rally single voters. By election week, the organization had generated more than 900,000 registration applications and sent about a million vote-by-mail forms to single women in the swing states of Ohio, Colorado, Iowa, Nevada, and Montana. Gardner predicted that a record number of unmarried women would make it to the voting booth, and that thereafter political officials would recognize them as a powerful interest group.

  Did the campaign make a difference? According to WVWV’s numbers, in 2008 single women were just 2 percent more likely to register and 1 percent more likely to vote than they were four years earlier. But in absolute numbers the increase looks more substantial, from 27.9 million single female voters in 2004 to 30.5 million in 2008, and their margin of support for the Democratic candidate rose from 62 percent (for Kerry) to 70 percent (for Obama). (Married women, by contrast, voted 50 percent for John McCain to 47 percent for Obama.)6 Soon after the election, Women’s Voices, Women Vote issued a report whose title, “Unmarried Women Change America,” conveys Gardner’s view of their impact. “Unmarried women played a pivotal role in making this history and changing this nation,” it stated. “Barack Obama would have lost the women’s vote and the 2008 election if it were not for the contribution of the unmarried woman.”7

  Not everyone shares this interpretation. Nicky Grist, for instance, says that Alternatives to Marriage actually dropped its voting project after the election because the organization had invested so much energy in it but was disappointed by the modest increase in turnout. Moreover, the political issues that matter to her constituents, such as decoupling health insurance from marital status (so you don’t lose your coverage if you divorce or become widowed from a partner whose employer provides it) and getting marital status discrimination included in the Fair Housing Act, got little traction in the early years of the Obama administration. In the media, not many analysts credited unmarried women with helping provide Democrats their margin of victory, and, with the exception of WVWV, not many organizations claimed it. As they prepared for the 2010 midterm elections, Gardner and her colleagues worried that the single women’s voting bloc had still not solidified. “Based on our nationwide projections, there are likely to be 35.3 percent fewer unmarried women voting in 2010 than in 2008,” warned one of their reports. “That’s 10.8 million voters.”8 But since unmarried women remain the nation’s fastest-growing demographic group, there’s good reason to believe that others, including Republicans and conservative get-out-the-vote groups, will soon begin competing for their allegiance. The incentives for engaging unmarried Americans are too great to ignore.

  WHILE GROUPS LIKE ALTERNATIVES to Marriage Project have struggled to organize singletons as a political bloc, producers of consumer goods and services are finding that they can effectively organize those who shop solo into an emerging market segment. They also have real incentive to do this, since singles (not all of whom live alone) account for more than 35 percent of total consumer spending, or about $1.6 trillion annually.

  The Packaged Facts market study “Singles in the U.S.: The New Nuclear Family” compares the lifestyle and consumption patterns of all variety of unmarried adults, including those in Gen X and Gen Y, seniors, childless singles, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, and those who live alone. The report notes that while singles are hardly absent in the media and in advertising, they are generally depicted as stereotypes: glamorous young professionals who spend their evenings in clubs and fancy restaurants or, conversely, lonely old people who suffer home alone. These images, Packaged Facts warns, turn off the very consumers that advertisers are trying to attract. “It’s important for marketers to realize that singles are increasingly viewing their unmarried state as a choice, rather than a temporary and undesirable situation,” the study explains.9 The solution? Packaged Facts offers plenty of strategic advice on how to target-market each of the singles market segments, and the $3,500 price tag on its report suggests the value of this information.

  A similar study, published in 2008 by Euromonitor International, offers a global guide to the emerging market of singles and singletons, identifying not only their generic tastes and habits but also specific products that appeal to their demographic in different settings. “Single Living: How Atomisation—The Rise of Singles and One-Person Households—Is Affecting Consumer Purchasing Habits” reports that the rise of living alone has generated unprecedented demand for apartments (not houses), compact furniture and appliances (no need for an oversize refrigerator, dishwasher, or coffee machine when you cook alone), one-seat automobiles and m
otorbikes, and all kinds of personal services. The global “ready meal” market, for instance, does more than $73 billion in business, up nearly 40 percent since 2002. In Sweden, the nation with the greatest proportion of people who live alone, a company called GOOH! has developed a “home meal replacement concept,” offering “fresh, restaurant-quality dishes with the pricing and convenience of fast food . . . which can be reheated on-site or taken home.” In Japan, the market for dried ready meals has expanded rapidly, driven by single women’s demand for simple, healthy nourishment such as dehydrated savory porridge. Throughout the developed world, singletons are proving to be heavy users of mobile media, as well as of cafés, bars, and restaurants. They may not show the signs of their indulgences, however, since they are also more likely to exercise at the gym.10

  With marketing analysts tracking their behavior so closely, it’s no surprise that entrepreneurs are developing new businesses that cater to the needs of people who live alone. One of these is Singelringen, which is Swedish for “single ring.” Designed in 2005 by Johan Wahlbäck, who was born in Stockholm and spent much of his youth in New York and Texas, the turquoise and sterling silver ring allows singles to publicly signal their status. According to the company’s Web site, “By wearing your Singelringen, you declare that it is OK to be single. You may wish to find the one, or you are quite satisfied with life as it is. Regardless, you will show to everyone that you accept and stand for what you are.” Not many rings get feature coverage on national television, but in 2006 the Today show reported that the Singelringen “comes without commitment” and had become “a pretty hot item.” It has been mentioned in People, OK!, and In Touch magazines and was promoted at that San Francisco Sex and the City event. Like Sasha Cagen, who wore a Singelringen that night, Wahlbäck says he’s hoping to help build solidarity.

  But selling to a community is hardly the same as organizing it, and not many entrepreneurs have the interest and will to do both. One exception is Sherri Langburt, who we met in chapter two when she faced discrimination in her office and her housing search. Langburt launched Single Edition in late 2007 after spending most of her twenties and thirties on her own. “I started the company because everything online for singles was about dating,” Langburt tells me as we sit in her “second office,” a café near her apartment on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. “But when I lived alone, my life wasn’t all about dating. I had a lot of other concerns, things I wanted to learn about or try, and there were no resources to support my lifestyle. No good information about things like traveling alone or cooking for one. Obviously I wasn’t the only person interested in content like that. Every day I hear more stories of people who are living alone and figuring out how to enjoy themselves. People who were married and then divorced and now say, ‘I do not want to do that again.’ Single Edition is for them.”

  Langburt had spent years as an executive at Weight Watchers, a for-profit corporation that prides itself on building communities and improving people’s lives. Single Edition is based on a similar model. When Langburt started the company, she had produced a lot of editorial content, including advice on everyday challenges, such as controlling your portion size when eating alone or finding the right products for a one-person home, as well as on more momentous issues, from career management to financial planning and dealing with parents who pester you about not being married. She had also lined up a network of experts who were willing to contribute in exchange for the recognition, since they too ran businesses—in fitness, law, fashion, nutrition, and, yes, dating—that catered to single clients. And she found a Web designer who was willing to build the site on the barter system. After the launch, Langburt dedicated herself to finding companies interested in marketing to singles. “I was calling ad agencies and saying, ‘We need a sponsor. How about Kraft Singles? They’d be perfect. Or Häagen-Dazs, which has those single-serving cups?’ I called everyone, met with everyone. And there were days when no one would even talk to me. I could hardly sleep.”

  The problem, Langburt discovered, was that advertisers insisted that singles didn’t identify primarily as singles and couldn’t be targeted that way—except by dating services. They market to boomers or to thirtysomethings or to affluent city dwellers, any of whom may happen to be single, but they always aim to convey an aspirational message, and they don’t think anyone aspires to be on their own. “I just disagree with this strategy,” Langburt tells me. “And my whole business is based on a bet that I’m right. Singles do identify as singles—it’s often the first thing they say about themselves. There’s no reason to be ashamed of it anymore, especially if they’re in a big city. No one cares. You can be anything. You can eat alone. Go out alone. It doesn’t matter. You just have to be okay with it.” Her theory is that once advertisers recognize this, they’ll immediately have access to a rapidly growing market of singletons who are likely to stay that way long enough to make some major purchases. Clothing. Vacations. Cars. A home.

  By 2010 Langburt was making progress. She had organized three sold-out events in which hundreds of singles gathered to hear speakers discuss issues such as health, security, and adventure when you’re on your own. Fox was interested in developing videos for the singles marketplace. Spark Networks, which runs specialized dating services such as JDate, made her a columnist. Norwegian Cruise Line, which had just announced plans to offer special rooms for solo travelers, was considering a deal with her company, and marketing executives who’d refused her phone calls two years earlier were now taking her concepts to their clients and partners. “My fantasy is that once a few big advertisers get it, then everyone will follow and the business will just take off. Someday, I’d like Single Edition to be for singles what the AARP is for seniors. I’m sure that when they started people said that no one wants to identify as a senior, too. That was fifty years ago. Think about how much has changed.”

  CHANGING THE WAY we think about singles is the life’s work of Bella DePaulo, who coined the term “singlism” to raise consciousness about prejudices toward the unmarried majority. DePaulo has helped Langburt and Kim Calvert develop their businesses, but she is clearly motivated by cultural rather than commercial concerns. “Crusading against singlism is not a great way to get wealthy,” she tells me. “I wish it were! The organizations that invite me to speak have no money whatsoever. Last week I visited a community college that asked me to take the train rather than fly and then could only put me up for one night. And for my blog, which takes a huge amount of work, I probably get less than a penny a click. Sometimes I laugh about it. I’ve got a PhD from Harvard, after all! But I love doing this. It feels completely necessary, because there’s so much misinformation out there, so little awareness. I do this because it matters.”

  Since 2006, when her book Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After was published, DePaulo has become something like the minister of truth for the solo nation. When a politician makes a baseless claim about the hazards of living alone or the benefits of marriage, it’s only a matter of hours before she’s posted a refutation on her blog for Psychology Today. When a scholar or serious journalist does it, she sharpens her razors and attacks. A few days before our conversation, DePaulo took umbrage with a New York Times op-ed about Sandra Bullock’s post-Oscar marital humiliation in which David Brooks mentions a study that claims (in his words) that “being married produces a psychic gain equivalent to more than $100,000 a year.” This infuriated DePaulo, and she immediately fired off a response: “Studies that compare the currently married to everyone else (which is the vast majority of marital status studies) can tell us nothing about the implications of getting married for happiness, health, or anything else. That’s because the currently married are the people who are left after setting aside the 40-some percent of people who got married, hated it, and got divorced. It is like saying that the new drug Shamster is very effective, based on a study in which the experiences of nearly half th
e people who took the drug were discounted, because it most certainly did not work for them.”11

  At the outset of her career, DePaulo had never imagined getting involved in the public debate about married and unmarried America. She was a scholar of deception, and didn’t get interested in the marriage literature until she noticed that colleagues, with whom she enjoyed lunches and formal interactions on workdays, never included her in their more casual weekend and evening plans. “I didn’t know if it was personal or because I was single,” she recounts. “I started talking with my single friends and they’d say, ‘Yes! The same thing happens to me.’ Then they would add other stories about the ways they were treated. And all of us felt that we were being excluded—not just from social events, but from networks that shaped our professional lives. Clearly I had hit a nerve.”

  At the time, DePaulo’s only knowledge of the marriage literature was what she saw in the media. “The headlines always said that being married was the best thing for you. I had no reason to doubt it. I just thought I’d hunt for the weak spots, the cases when it wasn’t true.” But when she scrutinized the literature, she found more than just a few unfounded arguments—it seemed to her that nearly all the claims about the benefits of marriage could be easily refuted by anyone with advanced knowledge of statistics. The comparisons were misleading because they failed to account for the fate of people whose marriages ended in divorces. And even the more careful studies didn’t definitively establish whether being financially, physically, and emotionally healthy was the cause or the consequence of marital longevity. DePaulo says she remembers thinking to herself, “Journalists aren’t the only ones being sloppy. Almost everything in the so-called science on marriage is bunk!”