Revenge of the Lawn, the Abortion, So the Wind Won't Blow It All Away

by Richard Brautigan

  "No, Foster," I said. "We can't trust this library to just anyone. You'll have to stay here while we're gone. We're not going to be gone long."

  "Humor him, Foster," Vida said.

  "OK. I wonder what the next nut will be about who brings a book in."

  "Don't worry," I said. "That was an exception. Things will run smoothly while we're gone."

  "I'll bet."

  Foster got ready to go outside. "Here, have another drink of whiskey," Foster said. "I'm going to take the bottle with me."

  "When does the plane leave?" Vida said.

  "8:15," Foster said. "Our pal here can't drive, so I guess you'll have to take the bus because the Library Kid here wants me to stay and tend his garden of nuts."

  "I can drive," Vida said, looking smoothly-beautiful and young.

  "Can you drive a van?" Foster said.

  "I think so," she said. "I used to drive trucks and pickups one summer when I was on a ranch in Montana. I've always been able to drive anything that's got four wheels, sports cars, anything. I even drove a school bus once, taking some kids on a picnic."

  "A van's different," Foster said.

  "I've driven a horse van," Vida said.

  "This isn't a horse van," Foster said, now somewhat outraged. "There's never been a horse in my van!"

  "Foster," Vida said. "Don't get mad, dear. I was just telling you that I can drive it. I can drive anything. I've never been in an accident. I'm a good driver. That's all. You have a beautiful van."

  "It is a good one," Foster said, now placated. "Well, I guess I don't see any harm in it and it would get you out there a lot faster than the bus and you could get back here faster. It would be a lot smoother ride. Buses are horrible, and you can park it right out there at the airfield. I guess I won't need the van while I'm working at this God-damn madhouse. Sure, you can take it, but drive carefully. There's only one van like that in the whole world and she's mine and I love her."

  "Don't worry," Vida said. "I'll love it, too."

  "Good deal," Foster said. "Well, I guess I'd better go out and get to bed. Any more whiskey here?"

  "No, I think we've had enough," I said.

  "OK."

  "Do you want us to wake you?" Vida said.

  "No, I'll be up," Foster said. "I can get up when I want to, down to the minute. I've got an alarm clock in my head. It always gets me up. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you something. Don't eat anything for breakfast tomorrow. It's against the rules."

  Johnny Cash

  AFTER Foster left to go out and spend the night in his van, we started getting ready for tomorrow. We wouldn't have much time in the morning when we woke up.

  Vida had enough clothes there at the library, so she wouldn't have to go home. Even though she only lived a block from the library, I of course had never been there. Sometimes in the past I had been curious about her place and she told me about it.

  "It's very simple," she told me. "I don't have much. All I have is a few books on a shelf, a white rug, a little marble table on the floor, and some records for my stereo: Beatles, Bach, Rolling Stones, Byrds, Vivaldi, Wanda Landowska, Johnny Cash. I'm not a beatnik. It's just that I always considered my body to be more possessions than I ever needed and so everything else had to be simple."

  She packed a few clothes for us in an old KLM bag and our toothbrushes and my razor in case we had to stay overnight in San Diego.

  "I've never had an abortion before," Vida said. "I hope we don't have to stay overnight in San Diego. I was there once and I didn't like it. There are too many unlaid sailors there and everything is either stone stark or neon cheap. It's not a good town."

  "Don't worry about it," I said. "We'll just play it by ear and if everything's all right, we'll come back tomorrow evening."

  "That sounds reasonable," Vida said, finishing with our simple packing.

  "Well, let's have a kiss, honey, and go to bed. We need some sleep," I said. "We're both tired and we have to get up early in the morning."

  "I'll have to take a bath and a douche," Vida said. "And put a little dab of perfume behind my ears."

  I took Vida in my arms and gathered the leaves and blossoms of her close, a thing she returned to me, delicate and bouquet-like.

  Then we took off our clothes and got into bed. I put out the light and she said, "Did you set the clock, honey?"

  "Oh, I forgot," I said. "I'll get up."

  "I'm sorry," she said.

  "No," I said. "I should have remembered to set the clock. What time do you want to wake up? Six?"

  "No, I think you'd better make it 5:30. I want to take care of my 'female complaints' before Foster wakes up, so I can cook a good breakfast for all of us. It'll be a long day and we'll need a solid start."

  "The lady is not for breakfast," I said. "Remember what Foster said?"

  "Oh. Oh, that's right. I forgot," Vida said.

  It was hard for a minute and then we both smiled across the darkness at what we were doing. Though we could not see our smiles, we knew they were there and it comforted us as dark-night smiles have been doing for thousands of years for the problemed people of the earth.

  I got up and turned the light on. Vida was still smiling softly as I set the clock for 5:30. It was absolutely too late for remorse now or to cry against the Fates. We were firmly in the surgical hands of Mexico.

  "Genius"

  VIDA did not look at all pregnant as she got into her bath. Her stomach was still so unbelievably thin that it was genius and I wondered how there could be enough intestines in there to digest any food larger than cookies or berries.

  Her breasts were powerful but delicate and wet at the nipples.

  She had put a pot of coffee on before she had gotten into the tub and I was standing there watching it perk and watching her bathe at the same time through the open door of the bathroom.

  She had her hair piled and pinned on top of her head. It looked beautiful resting on the calm of her neck.

  We were both tired, but not as nervous as we could have been facing the prospects of the day, because we had gone into a gentle form of shock that makes it easier to do one little thing after another, fragile step by fragile step, until you've done the big difficult thing waiting at the end, no matter what it is.

  I think we have the power to transform our lives into brand-new instantaneous rituals that we calmly act out when something hard comes up that we must do.

  We become like theaters.

  I was taking turns watching the coffee perk and watching Vida at her bath. It was going to be a long day but fortunately we would get there only moment by moment.

  "Is the coffee done yet?" Vida said.

  I smelled the coffee fumes that were rising like weather from the spout. They were dark and heavy with coffee. Vida had taught me how to smell coffee. That was the way she made it.

  I had always been an instant man, but she had taught me how to make real coffee and it was a good thing to learn. Where had I been all those years, thinking in terms of coffee as dust?

  I thought about making coffee for a little while as I watched it perk. It's strange how the simple things in life go on while we become difficult.

  "Honey, did you hear me?" Vida said. "The coffee. Stop daydreaming and get on the coffee, dear. Is it done?"

  "I was thinking about something else," I said.

  Foster's Bell

  VIDA put on a simple but quite attractive white blouse with a short blue skirt—you could see easily above her knees—and a little half-sweater thing on over the blouse. I've never been able to describe clothes so that anyone knows what I am talking about.

  She did not have any make-up on except for her eyes. They looked dark and blue in the way that we like eyes to look in these last years of the seventh decade of the Twentieth Century.

  I heard the silver bell ringing on the library door. The bell was ringing rapidly in a kind of shocked manner. The bell seemed almost frightened and crying for help.

  It was Foste
r.

  Foster had never really taken to that bell. He had always insisted that it was a sissy bell and always offered to put a bell up himself. He continued the thing as I let him in. I opened the door but he stood there with his hand on the bell rope, though he was not ringing the bell any more.

  It was still dark and Foster was wearing his eternal T-shirt and his buffalo-heavy blond hair hung about his shoulders.

  "You should take my advice," he said. "Get rid of this damn bell and let me put a real bell up for you."

  "We don't want a bell that will frighten people," I said.

  "What do you mean frighten people? How in the hell can a bell frighten people?"

  "We need a bell that fits the service we offer, that blends in with the library. We need a gentle bell here."

  "No roughneck bells, huh?" Foster said.

  "I wouldn't put it that way," I said.

  "Hell," Foster said. "This bell rings like a God-damn queer down on Market Street. What are you running here?"

  "Don't worry about it," I said.

  "Well, I'm just trying to look out for your best interests. That's all, kid." He reached over and gave the bell a little tap on its butt.

  "Foster!" I said.

  "Hell, kid, a tin can and a spoon make a great bell."

  "What about a fork and a knife and a bowl of soup to go with it, Foster? A little mashed potatoes and gravy and maybe a turkey leg? What about that? Wouldn't that make a good bell?"

  "Forget it," Foster said. He reached over and gave the bell another little tap on its silver butt and said, "Good-bye, sweetie."

  The TJ Briefing

  VIDA cooked Foster and me a good breakfast, though she didn't have anything with us except some coffee.

  "You certainly look pretty this morning," Foster said. "You look like a dream I've never had before."

  "I bet you tell that to all the girls," Vida said. "I can see that you're a flirt from way back."

  "I've had a girlfriend or two," Foster said.

  "Some more coffee?" Vida said.

  "Yeah, another cup of coffee would be fine. Sure is good coffee. Somebody here knows their way around coffee beans."

  "What about you, honey?" Vida said.

  "Sure.

  "There you go."

  "Thank you."

  Vida sat back down.

  "Well, you know what you're supposed to do," Foster said after breakfast. "There's nothing to worry about. Dr. Garcia is a wonderful doctor. There will be no pain or fuss. Everything will go just beautifully. You know how to get there. It's just a few blocks off the Main Street of town.

  "The doc may want to try and get a few extra bucks out of you, but hold the line and say, 'Well, Doctor Garcia, Foster said that it was 200 dollars and that's all we brought and here it is,' and take it out of your pocket.

  "He'll look a little nervous and then he'll take it and put it in his pocket without counting it and then he's just like the best doctor in the whole wide world. Have faith in him and do what he says and relax and everything will be all right.

  "He's a wonderful doctor. He saves a lot of people a lot of trouble."

  The Library Briefing

  "...," I said.

  "I promise I won't take down that swishy little bell of yours with the silver pants and put up a tin can with a spoon, which would be the best bell for this asylum. Have you ever heard one?" Foster said.

  "...," I said.

  "I'm sorry about that. It's an awfully pretty sound. So beautiful to the spirit and so soothing to the nerves."

  "...," I said.

  "That's a real shame," Foster said.

  "...," I said.

  "I didn't know you felt that way about it," Foster said.

  "...," I said.

  "Don't worry, I won't harm a brick on this library's head. I'll treat your library like a child's birthday cake in a little yellow box that I'm carrying home in my arms from the bakery because carrying it by the string would be too risky.

  "I've got to be careful of that dog up ahead. He might bite me and I'd drop the cake. There, I'm past him. Good dog.

  "Oh, oh, there's a little lady coming toward me. Got to be careful. She might have a heart attack and collapse in front of me and I might trip over her body. I won't take my eyes off her. There, she's passing me. Everything's going to be all right. Your library is safe," Foster said.

  "...," Vida said, laughing.

  "Thank you, honey," Foster said.

  "...," I said.

  "I love this place," Foster said.

  "...," I said.

  "I'll treat your patrons like saintly eggshells. I won't break one of them," Foster said.

  "...," Vida said, laughing.

  "Oh, honey, you're too nice," Foster said.

  "...," I said.

  "Stop worrying, kid. I know what I'm supposed to do and I'll do it the best I can and that's all I can say," Foster said.

  "...," Vida said.

  "Isn't it the truth and he's not old either. He's just a kid," Foster said.

  "...," I said.

  "I don't think I ever really appreciated the peace and quiet, the downhomeness of the caves until now. You've opened up a whole new world for me, kid. I should get down on my hands and knees and thank you with all my heart for what you've done."

  "...," I said.

  "Ah, California!" Foster said.

  Foster's Heart

  FOSTER insisted on carrying our bag out to the van. It was light and halfway through the dawn. Foster was busy sweating away in his T-shirt, even though we found the morning to be a little chilly.

  During the years that I had known Foster, I'd never seen him when he wasn't sweating. It was probably brought about by the size of his heart. I was always certain that his heart was as big as a cantaloupe and sometimes I went to sleep thinking about the size of Foster's heart.

  Once Foster's heart appeared to me in a dream. It was on the back of a horse and the horse was going into a bank and the bank was being pushed off a cloud. I couldn't see what was pushing the bank off, but it's strange to think what would push a bank off a cloud with Foster's heart in it, falling past the sky.

  "What do you have in this bag?" Foster said. "It's so light I don't think there's anything in it."

  He was following after Vida who led the way with a delightful awkwardness, looking so perfect and beautiful as not to be with us, as to be alone in some different contemplation of the spirit or an animal stepladder to religion.

  "Never you mind our secrets," Vida said, not turning back.

  "How would you like to visit my rabbit trap someday?" Foster said.

  "And be your Bunny girl?" Vida said.

  "I guess you've heard that one," Foster said.

  "I've heard them all."

  "I'll bet you have," Foster said, falling cleanly past the sky.

  Vida Meets the Van

  THERE were leftover pieces of blank white paper on the sidewalk from the woman last night. They looked terribly alone. Foster put our little bag in the van.

  "There's your bag in the van. Now you're sure you know how to drive this thing?" Foster said. "It's a van."

  "Yes, I know how to drive a van. I know how to drive anything that has wheels. I've even flown an airplane," Vida said.

  "An airplane?" Foster said.

  "I flew one up in Montana a few summers ago. It was fun," Vida said.

  "You don't look like the airplane-flying type," Foster said. "Hell, a few summers ago you were in the cradle. Are you sure you weren't flying a stuffed toy?"

  "Don't worry about your van," Vida said, returning the conversation from the sky to the ground.

  "You've got to drive carefully," Foster said. "This van has its own personality."

  "It's in good hands," Vida said. "My God, you're almost as bad with your van as he is with his library."

  "Damn! all right," Foster said. "Well, I've told you what to do and now I guess you'd better go and do it. I'll stay here and take care of the asyl
um while you're gone. I imagine it won't be dull if that lady I met last night is any example of what's going on here."

  There were pieces of white paper on the ground.

  Foster put his arms around both of us and gave us a very friendly, consoling hug as if to say with his arms that everything was going to be all right and he would see us in the evening.

  "Well, kids, good luck."

  "Thank you very much," Vida said, turning and giving Foster a kiss on the cheek. They looked heroically like father and daughter around each other's arms and cheek to cheek in the classic style that has brought us to these years.

  "In you go," Foster said.

  We got into the van. It suddenly felt awfully strange for me to be in a vehicle again. The metallic egg-like quality of the van was very surprising and in some ways I had to discover the Twentieth Century all over again.

  Foster stood there on the curb carefully watching Vida at the controls of the van.

  "Ready?" she said, turning toward me with a little smile on her face.

  "Yeah, it's been a long time," I said. "I feel as if I'm in a time machine."

  "I know," she said. "Just relax. I know what I'm doing."

  "All right," I said. "Let's go."

  Vida started the van as if she had been born to the instrument panel, to the wheel and to the pedals.

  "Sounds good," Vida said.

  Foster was pleased with her performance, nodding at her as if she were an equal. Then he gave her the go signal and she took it and we were off to visit Dr. Garcia who was waiting for us that very day in Tijuana, Mexico.

  BOOK 4: Tijuana

  The Freewayers

  I HAD forgotten how the streets in San Francisco go to get to the freeway. Actually, I had forgotten how San Francisco went.

  It was really a surprise to be outside again, travelling in a vehicle again. It had been almost three years. My God, I was twenty-eight when I went into the library and now I was thirty-one years old.