by Aceves, Gigi
Thankfully, my dad walks in disrupting the emotional state of my heart. I hate being like this. I’m not this needy until I’m surrounded by people who seem to have it all.
“So, what’s the plan for today, kids?” My dad walks into the kitchen and goes straight to Jaelin and Jillian, but not before he kisses me.
“We’re going to Solvang, and then wine tasting later this the afternoon,” Roxy says, while Cody continues his attack on my cousin’s neck.
Damien shakes his head. “You might want to hold that thought since I got a text from Luke. Sophia wants to see you, Tami. Are you okay with that? I can shut this down quickly if you don’t want to meet her.”
“What?” Roxy squeals as she tries to speak while stuttering, “Th-the President’s daughter wants to come over? Are you for real, right now?”
LT stares down at Roxy as if she’s a petulant child. “She’s a regular person just like you are. Her shit smells probably worse than yours.”
Roxy makes a face then says, “Eww! Stop with the shit talk. She may very well be a regular person in your book, but she’s not in mine.”
LT ignores his sister and turns to face me. “So, do you want her to come over?”
“Sure. I mean, is that okay, Roxy? I don’t want to ruin your plans.”
“Oh, puh-lease. You’re not ruining my plans. I’m changing. Later gators!” She walks excitedly, pulling Trish who’s laughing as she goes.
“Alright, I’ll let Luke know. Um, Jake and Cody, I need you both to scout the place, make sure everything is clean. Brian, can you move the cars around back?”
“Jake, take the south side; Lorenzo and I will take the north. We’ll clear the area faster,” my dad says, as he walks toward the back door.
Two hours later and one clean sweep by her detail, Sophia walks in with a smile on her face. As soon as she sees LT standing by the bay window, her smile quickly drops.
“Hi, Sophia.” I walk toward her as I extend my hand in greeting.
Instead, she pulls me to her for a quick hug. She’s so nice, down to earth, and easy to talk to. Before she could even sit down, Roxy walks in wearing the smile that easily puts everyone at ease.
“Hi, Sophia. You want something to drink? I can have my brother fix you something,” Roxy says as she winks at her.
She looks LT’s way, stealing a glance and quickly looks away. “I’m fine. I can get it myself. I know my way around the kitchen, besides I don’t want to be accused of being a burden.”
Knowing what we know about the night of the accident between her and LT, our eyes veer toward LT’s direction, waiting on who’ll strike first. We all breathe a sigh of relief when LT just looks away.
Trish and Patti walk in with Jaelin and Jillian; Jake is following behind holding Trevor and Tyler.
“Oh gosh, they’re so cute. Can I hold him?” Sophia asks, looking at Trevor.
“I don’t know about that, Sophia. Trevor has a tendency of letting go stink bombs in rapid succession. I’d stay clear of him if I were you,” Cody answers, winking at her.
“The girls look cute with their outfits. So, adorable.”
“Tami designed them, Sophia.”
Sophia turns my way then says, “You did? I’d like to get one for my cousin’s daughter.”
“She has two boutiques in L.A. and one in San Diego.”
“Rox,” I say in warning. She always gets ahead of herself. “Sophia, I don’t have a children’s clothing line. I just made them for Roxy’s wedding.”
“Oh. I think you should. They’re really beautiful. You can make a few samples, and I can make a big order as a donation for the Children’s Hospital in L.A. I’m going to start volunteering there this year for school. What do you think?”
Fate seems to be playing a trick on me with the quads, Roxy and Cody starting their own family, and now Sophia suggesting a children’s clothing line. It’s like a carrot dangling in my face, teasing me relentlessly. Melancholy soon covers my mood since all this baby talk is just making me sad. Brian notices quickly, and in an instant, he’s next to me holding my hand, offering comfort even with my silence.
I force myself to answer despite the lump forming in my throat. “I’ll think about it. Maybe when we get back, I’ll start brain storming with my assistant.”
“I’ve been wanting to tell you to start since the girls wedding dresses were just too adorable,” Trish seconds, as she sways from side to side, trying to put Jaelin to sleep.
“I know, right? We can have a line for boys and for girls! I’m getting super excited,” Roxy seems to be on a roll, just like Sophia and Trish.
Anna walks in, just in time to stop the baby talk, which I gladly appreciate. Any more of it would’ve started the water works. “Food is ready everyone. Let’s head out to the porch, everything is set up.”
“Mom, no. We can’t eat outside. It’s not secure.” He turns to wave at the man standing by the door. “Steve, can you please call Luke? I need to confer with him since he’s in charge of her detail.”
We’re all pinned to our seats watching this sizzling situation to spontaneously combust before our eyes. Then LT moves, and Brian stiffens beside me, on alert to be the referee if the need arises. At the same time, Jake hands over Jillian to Roxy while Cody plays ping pong with his eyes between LT and Sophia. The rest of us—we’re just watching.
“Steve, don’t,” Sophia says, then turns to LT. “Everything is set up outside, and I don’t want to inconvenience anyone, especially your mom since that could be another thing you pin against me. So, I’m asking nicely; please, can we have lunch outside?”
LT narrows his eyes at her. “It.is.not.safe.outside. Too much open space, and we have less eyes. Do you understand that? You are in my house . . .”
“This isn’t your house. It’s a rental.” It’s Sophia’s turn to narrow her eyes at LT.
Moving slightly closer to Sophia, without blinking an eye or lowering his voice, Mr. Bull Dog makes his final speech, “This is my house . . . my rules. So, this is how it’s gonna go. We will eat inside, end of story. And, if you want my opinion of you to change, you’ll try to see it my way, because my way is to always ensure the safety of everyone around me. At this very moment, you are next to me. You’re in a house we’re renting, which you’re not paying for, breathing the same air I am. That, Sophia, puts me in control.”
I close my eyes, feeling sorry for Sophia, willing for someone to say something to kill the silence that seems to grow. But, what Sophia says makes my heart ache for her instead of wallowing in my own.
“I guess, I have two choices: to follow or to fight. I choose to follow. It’s not like my choice matters, anyway.”
Everyone scampers away, expecting me to clean up the mess Damien created and leaving me with a very dejected Sophia. I pull her up and drape my arms around her as we slowly walk toward the dining room. Thinking what I should say, or maybe, there’s nothing to say at all.
“It’s okay to follow, Sophia.”
“I don’t know, Tami. Sometimes, I just want to be able to choose, and not be told. Just one time. . . . one time . . . to do whatever I want.”
“You and me both, Sophia. You and me both.”
Choices—shouldn’t they be what I want, not what someone wants? The only silver lining is I’m not the only one in this situation. But, I’m not glad Sophia is in the same boat as me because it’s hard to accept the choice you’ve made, which really isn’t the choice you want to make to begin with.
BRIAN
EVEN THOUGH WE’VE HAD THE ‘baby talk,’ it seems there’s still something between Tami and me. Her indifference, after I told her I want to go for a walk after dinner, bothers me like an itch that doesn’t want to go away. She didn’t ask me why, or if she could come with me. She just shrugged her shoulders and continued talking to Roxy. I’m so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t feel my mom sit next to me.
“Son, I know something is bothering you. What is it?”
&nbs
p; Glancing down at my mom, I know I can’t lie to her. She knows me like a book. So, before I delve into that part of my life that’s full of darkness, I ask my mom to walk with me. After ten minutes of walking, enjoying the crisp California air, I open up myself to her, knowing she’ll understand.
“I don’t know how to tell Tami that I don’t want to have kids. Maybe in the future . . . in the very far future.”
She stops and looks at me, cocking her head to one side. “Please tell me, you told her about Lorraine.”
Not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes, I turn away because she’s right, and I’m wrong. I’ve been running away from this darkness for so long, not really wanting to explain anything at all. But now, Tami is in my life, I know I have to . . . I need to.
However, I need to want to pick at this old, but never forgotten scab.
The Italian side of my mother comes out when she stands right in front of me and stares me down, or up since I’m taller than her. She’s not used to being ignored, not that I’m ignoring her, but merely contemplating what to say.
“You have to stop this, Brian. It is what it is. I’ve accepted it. Your dad has. So, please, help me understand why you haven’t.”
Running my hand over my face I say, “I can’t, because I’m scared! She knows about Lorraine, but nothing else. Tami is all I’ve ever wanted, Ma. I want to marry her. Have a life with her like you have with dad, like what everyone around us has. But. . . . but, how can I accomplish that when I haven’t even shared my past with her? I want to tell her, I just don’t know where to start.” I pull my hair as I try to make sense of my sins . . . of my lies. I’ve turned into someone I’m not, because of fear.
My mother embraces me as she comforts me with her words. “Fear is what kills and makes life empty, Brian. Truth, though, will set you free. It’ll fill you up with more of life . . . more hope . . . more happiness—just be honest. It’s the only way to live. . . . it’s the only way to be.”
“I don’t know how to tell her. I don’t know if she’ll understand. I don’t know if she’ll give me more time to get used to the idea. I don’t know . . . I don’t know shit!”
Embracing me as tightly as she can, her calm voice stills my heart. “Mio Figlio, you must face it first before you can deal with it. How can you deal with something you refuse to accept? It’s part of your past. Why do you keep on living with it? She’ll understand, Brian, because she loves you. Keeping this from her will only cause problems, and more so when she finds out later.”
Walking away from me, she looks up at the sky then at the setting sun. “Brian, I know it’s hard, believe me, but your dad and I lived through three, before we had you. What happened years ago doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again. After we had you, I still wanted to have kids, but I knew deep inside your dad couldn’t handle any more. We tried adoption, but for some reason only God knows, twice the adoption didn’t go through. So, we chose to help kids that are in need. We became foster parents. You remember those times when you were in grade school up through high school. Did I ever feel content? Yes, because I was helping a child. It may not have been my child, but a child nonetheless. I’m not saying for you guys to be foster parents, but there are options.”
“She wants our own. I want to give that to her, but I’m just afraid.”
Shaking her head, she says, “I sound like a broken record, but what happened many years ago may not happen again. Plus, the only way to find out is to try with faith, Son, with faith.”
I say with a scowl, “It happened to you, to Dad! It happened to me! How do I know that what I’m most afraid of isn’t going to happen to Tami? Why can’t I have what I want?”
“Oh, Brian. It’s not always what we want. It’s His will, not ours. We can make plans, but it’s His blueprint that will design our lives. So, are you going to stop living because of fear? Is that a life you want for yourself? Be honest with her. Your dad has stressed the value of honesty in everything. Secrets and lies complicate things. Is that something you want? I don’t think so.”
“How can you stand there and say these things? I know for a fact, you cry at night when you remember them. Do you want that for me, Ma?”
“I cherish those moments, Son. I’m thankful for those times. It may seem ironic, but I do because I learned to value life; I learned to live as opposed to existing. They show me the importance of time well spent as opposed to time spent doing nothing. They teach me the value of acceptance and the power of moving on. But more than anything, I’ve learned to be thankful because of you. You.”
Desperately looking at her, I ask, “How can I do that for us?”
“Start from the beginning, Brian.”
The crunching of the gravel disturbs the silence between my mother and me. I turn to find my father walking toward us. His stoic face, straight shoulders, and passionate eyes calm the storm inside me in a different way than my mom could ever do.
“Can I help, Son?”
Simple, but loaded question. It’s the same question he asked me eleven years ago. I admire my dad for so many things. His strength, dignity, honesty, determination, and the will to overcome are what I admire most. It’s through him, I learned to be a man at such an early age. I followed his footsteps and entered the Marines, just as he did.
I utter the words I’ve said before, “Teach me to be like you, Papa.”
He closes his eyes and steadies me with his able arms. His arms bring comfort and correction without judgment, but his words . . . his words brings me to my knees.
“Son, it’s time you let go of this cross you’ve been carrying. It wasn’t your fault, nor was it anyone’s. Life is a tough road that leads to one destination that has different paths. One second, you’re on flat land; other times, you’re on rocky ground; and at its worse, you could be climbing the steepest mountain. You make choices along the way. At times, they’re made for you. Right now, you’re at a cross road. You tell Tami your greatest fear, or you don’t. It’s in acceptance you find strength and peace of mind. You haven’t accepted it, so how can you share it? Which path are you going to take? I say, tell her—share it with her.”
Pushing me back as he intently looks into my eyes he says, “Tell her, because in doing so you’re releasing yourself from it. She can’t learn to accept something she doesn’t know, Brian. If you love her, you need to tell her. . . .”
“I’m afraid to lose her, Pa.”
Waiting, hoping I won’t interrupt him again, he continues, “You’re going to lose her if you don’t. You cannot share half of yourself with the woman you love. It just doesn’t work that way. Trust me when I tell you, Tami will understand; she’ll help you cope. Don’t ever let fear control you, because once you do, you stop living.”
I nod in agreement, understanding that I need to tell Tami, and accepting the importance of being truthful. Even if telling her could very well end my happiness.
I walk back to our room as slowly as possible. I even detour through the kitchen, just to kill time. By the time I step into our room, my angel is sleeping soundly. I look at the clock on the nightstand, shocked to find it’s later than I thought. I quickly undress, leaving only my boxers; and I pull Tami against my chest as I spread my hand over her stomach. She moans and scoots backward to get closer to me, and my heart smiles if that’s even possible.
I want her again, my body always craves her, and if she’s this close to me, there’s no way to stop the urge to be inside of her. My finger starts to go down south in search of her hot waiting core. A few flicks of my finger against her clit, and her walls are wet. My finger continues its strumming of her nub while my tongue licks it’s way to her trigger spot, that spot under her ear is a sure fire for Tami. Sure enough as I make a pass with my tongue, she moans and turns to face me, throwing her leg over my hip as she guides my hungry mouth to cover hers.
“I need you,” I say between kisses . . . wet hungry kisses.
Her kisses brighten everything in me.
<
br /> Her moans call to me.
Her skin against mine makes me forget everything.
This is the essence of who Tami is, and I try to match them with everything I have . . . to be worthy of her love.
TAMI
It’s been a month and a half since Roxy’s wedding, and instead of the ‘quality time’ Brian said we should enjoy, he has been picking assignments that take him out of state. In the beginning, I tried not to put meaning into it; but as the weeks go by, I can’t help but think that maybe it does.
Thirty seven days . . . a lot can happen in that time, and in a split second everything can change. Jake and Trish moved back to San Diego into a newly built house across the street from my parents, and about a ten minute drive from Trish’s mom. Jake successfully convinced our dad to relocate the main office of their company to San Diego. According to Jake, raising kids in LA is a no go . . . a bad parental decision. Of course, my parents are on board with anything where the quads are concerned.
I’m back in our duplex. Instead of having the same arrangement as before, Cody and Roxy now occupy the west wing while Brian and I take the east. Since Brian has been gone a while, Roxy and Cody keep me company. According to Cody, he’ll die of starvation if he leaves it up to Roxy to cook, which his loving wife vehemently denies.
“I’m home, darlin’!” Roxy’s upbeat voice helps my down and out mood.
“In the kitchen.”
“Whatcha cookin’?”
“Salmon braised in white wine with Brussels sprouts.”
The front door slams shut, signaling Cody’s arrival. I sigh internally, happy that ‘my kids’ are home.
“What the hell smells like ass?”
Roxy and I start laughing, because Brussel sprouts do smell like fart. Cody comes in holding his nose while he opens the sliding glass door.
“How can you guys stand it? This smell is a contender against Trevor’s stinky ass!”
“Love, after dinner, we’re going to do the you-know-what,” Roxy says, wiggling her brows.
