by Aceves, Gigi
She pulls four different pregnancy test from her purse. I’m hoping she’s pregnant. They’ve been trying since their wedding, and while my heart hopes for her, I can’t help but feel jealous, wishing I would be too. I quickly brush that thought out of my mind, because it’s not the right time—for Brian. I’ve accepted that decision to wait for him, but at times I wished—oh how I wish—I didn’t take the left turn when I reached that crossroad.
A sad smile stretches my lips when I remember a conversion with my dad. Our conversations aren’t just food for my soul, they always serve as a compass for me when I’m lost—especially when my heart is lost.
“Life is full of forks in the road, sweetheart. There’s no escaping them. Sometimes, they’re easy choices, other times, they’re so hard you want to stay stuck standing in the middle of that road, kicking and screaming. But, you simply can’t. You can stay standing there weighing things out, and that’s fine, but you can’t do that for long; otherwise, your life becomes stagnant—heavy. Just make sure you can stand by your decisions without blaming yourself or anyone.”
“I don’t like choices.”
He counters quickly, “No one does. But, everyone makes them on a daily basis.”
I start plating our dinner, concentrating on what I’m doing instead of what I’m thinking. As soon as I put the salmon in my mouth, the taste hits me. I run to the kitchen sink and spit out everything, and then some. Roxy’s quick to stand by me, running her hands on my back while Cody hands me a glass of cold water. Wiping my mouth with my hand, Roxy eyes me warily. I know she’s putting two and two together since I was complaining of nausea and fatigue last week.
I put my hand up to silence her, or rather stop her from jumping to conclusions. “Please, don’t even say it.”
“It has to be, T. You’ve been complaining about nausea, fatigue, and now this. It adds up! One plus one equals two . . . and two times two is four . . . twelve divided by six is two. I’m not even Asian, and I know that!” She points at the sink and makes a face as if she’s about to throw up.
Shaking my head at her, she literally drags me to the bathroom armed with the pregnancy test boxes. A smile slowly creeps around the corner of my mouth when the idea of being a mother takes root. My brain doesn’t even try to squash the thought, knowing Brian is on a different baby making page.
“So, I pee, then you go. I’m super excited!” Roxy is practically bouncing like a bunny hyped up on drugs, or a hyperactive Chihuahua.
A few minutes later, we have her two sticks on the left, and mine on the right. While we stand waiting for the final verdict, Cody’s persistent questioning is about to drive us both mad.
“Love, is there a bun in the oven?”
“Cody, wait!”
A minute in and he starts again. “Is Pillsbury dough boy baking?”
This time we both shout. “Wait, Cody!”
Since she went first, hers start changing, and a pink line appears while I’m doing my own mental countdown before she screams.
“Oh my gosh! I’m preggo my eggo!”
We both hug each other, smiling as though we’ve won the lottery, while Cody bangs on the door getting our attention.
“We have a waffle, love? Damn! I’m high fiving Mr. Wham Bam right about now!”
Cody’s vocal monologue about waffle and Mr. Wham Bam is momentarily forgotten when two pink lines appear on my sticks. I clutch my stomach, instantly thanking God for this blessing. Roxy hugs me from behind, wetting my neck with her tears.
“I’m happy for you, T. You’ll be an amazing mom.”
I turn around to face her, hoping I can mask the sudden feeling of apprehension just thinking about Brian’s reaction. She frowns at me in defiance, while she does her hands to hip action, followed by her head cocking to the side.
“No! Brian will be happy. He loves kids, T.”
“But, he’s still young while I’m ready to start this part of my life. He’s made it clear he wants to enjoy us first. I’m afraid. What if. . . .”
Holding my face hostage with her hands she says, “When he comes home, you’ll sit down and talk about it. No secrets, remember what going half ass did to Cody and me. If he has a he-needs-to-wear-a-hug-myself-jacket type of reaction, allow him. It takes a while for guys to get with the program, but once everything sinks in, he’ll learn to deal.”
Not wanting to talk about it anymore, she unlocks the door and jumps straight into Cody’s waiting arms. As they share a kiss so sweet, the venom of envy starts seeping into my bloodstream. My eyes water seeing Cody’s reaction, hoping I’d get the same one from Brian. As I’m just standing there watching them hug it out, Cody releases Roxy. He opens his arms wide enough for me to slide in. “Come here.” Cody’s warm hugs are very inviting, but his words makes me shiver in tension, “You’re gonna tell him, right?”
I pull back looking him square in the eyes, I answer, “Of course. You know me, Cody.”
His smiling eyes are replaced by concern. “Just making sure, T.”
I try not to look at him after that, because I’m sure he knows Brian’s misgivings about having kids, or the right time to have kids. I push that thought aside, instead I focus on my own feelings. How happy and excited I am, and how much I want this. . . . how much I already love my little beanie.
BRIAN
AFTER TWO WEEKS IN SAN Francisco, then another two weeks in Vegas, I’m ready to be back in L.A. The night life and constantly being around booze following a chick rock band gets tiring after a while. The only positive thing about our four week separation is, I’ve finally decided to talk to Tami about my secret. No matter how much running I do, my past will continue to catch up to me, anyway. After all, part of being a man is facing the shit I’ve created.
I think the time apart may have caused our conversation before my flight to be strained and awkward. I know as soon as Cody picks me up, I’ll grill him.
“Is Tami, okay?”
Cody takes his eyes off the road to look at me. He’s wearing his signature I-wanna-say-it-but-I-can’t look while his eyes say something else is always a red flag.
“I need more than a look, Cody,” I snap at him. My patience are hanging by a thread.
“What? I can’t look at my main man?” He snaps back at me.
“Something is up. So, ‘fess up, pussy mouth.”
Shaking his head, he says, “Roxy’s preggo, man.”
He looks at me with a shit eating grin on his face. The fool is as happy as the day he got married, and my anxiety over Tami disappears, making me feel good simply because one of my best friends is happy.
Slapping his shoulder. “Oh, man, congratulations! Let’s hope it’s a boy.”
Laughing out loud he asks, “What’s up with everyone wanting it to be a boy instead of a girl?”
Laughing along with him I answer, “Ah, that’s a no brainer. You having a girl will drive you completely crazy. You’ve witnessed Jake, right? You and Jake are cut from the same cloth, man. We only need one of you acting like a complete caveman.”
Cody becomes serious, and his words skin my already sensitive heart. “You know, I’m just glad I can see. Can you imagine if I’d lost my eyesight, and she got pregnant? I don’t think I could survive not knowing how my kid looks. God’s good, man. He is so good. Don’t ever forget it, B.”
His last statement made me look at him with an arched brow. “Why are you telling me not to forget how good He is, Cody? You’re freaking me out.”
Shrugging his shoulders, he explains, “Nothing. I’m just stating a fact; that’s all, B. Let that shit marinate in your brain, so you’ll know what to do when the time comes.”
Squinting my eyes at him I ask, “When the time comes for what?”
The only answer I get is another shrug. After that exchange, we remain quiet; and before I know it, we’re home. The front door swings open, and out comes my angel, walking as fast as she can to get to me. I welcome her with open arms. I’m breathing her in, cheri
shing the way she feels in my arms, and savoring the feel of her breath against my neck, making me want her more than I already do.
“I’ve missed you so much, honey.”
Tami’s eyes glaze over as she leans forward capturing my mouth, enveloping mine with hers. Our tongues glide and meld into one, hungrily seeking its partner. The weeks of separation are catching up to us, and before we both know it, we’re in a frenzy of groping hands, sexy nips mixed in with wild kisses. I carry Tami bridal style without disengaging my tongue from her mouth. I open the door leading to our room as I toe-off my shoes one after the other, I gently lay her on the bed, watching her watch me take my clothes off.
I’m almost shaking in anticipation of being inside her, and ‘the talk’ we’re supposed to have leaves my mind and out the door. I slam that door shut, because loving on her as she loves on me is the only thing my heart can comprehend right now. My love overpowers the desire to confess, because her love for me covers my guilt.
Completely naked, I start working on her shorts, quickly sliding them off her including her panties. Then my fingers go under her tank, ecstatic that she’s wearing one of those with a built in bra. Leaving my lips for a second, she takes her top off, and as soon as she tosses it over my head, she grabs my face tenderly, stops, and gazes at me . . . and that’s enough for me. No words need to be spoken.
I get her just as easily as she gets me.
I can’t deny either of us this connection. It’s when I can fully forget the darkness, the pain, how it plagues my mind while my heart is joyful because of her love. Her love for me is pure, while mine is tainted with secrets. I always feel this way when she’s with me, when I’m inside her as she completely loves all of me, and I selfishly accept it all.
I reach for a condom on the nightstand, she stops me and shakes her head; momentarily I’m brought back to what I’m running away from. Not wanting to answer her, I invade her mouth once again. Plundering it without mercy, drowning her mouth with my love while I prepare to engulf her completely with my cock inside her. My protection in place, I slowly slide inside her. Plunging into her as deep as I can go, needing to get lost in her . . . through her, with her, and because of her.
I thrust inside her hard . . . owning what’s mine as I slide out of her as gradually as I can, wanting her to feel the emptiness when I’m not buried deep inside her. But, slamming right back inside her as quickly as possible, not wanting to be uncovered from her warmth either. The moment she covers me snuggly, it sends electricity up my spine, lighting me up. It slowly creeps down the base of my spine; its current goes straight to my heart. Leaning in for a kiss I roll us over, demanding her body to ride me, to take me there, to completely lose it with her. Her hips move torturously slow, pulling me in . . . squeezing every inch of me as one hand lovingly caresses her breast, kneading, pulling . . . while the other plays with her hard overly sensitive trigger, pressing, flicking, causing her to whimper in ecstasy as her hips move faster, more needy this time . . . wanting more . . . reaching for our completion. Knowing we both desperately need to reach the pinnacle of pure rapture, I flip us over as I plunge into her, driving deep, fiercely seeking that magic button to shoot us to the summit of pleasure.
“Oh . . .” A throaty moan leaves her mouth as she spasms underneath me.
She calls out my name, gripping my hips with her thighs while her arms hold me securely against her chest, and I bury my face into her neck. I finally let go, pumping everything I have into her as hard as I can while I confess loudly the only truth my heart knows.
“Promise me forever, Tami. Love me forever, please.”
“Without end,” she answers truthfully and faithfully while my heart soars with no fear.
After my heart settles some, I pull out of her to discard the condom. I stay in the bathroom as long as possible, because now I have to face her after she just gave herself to me. Will she forgive me? Will she still love me tomorrow? As I take my first step outside my safety zone, my eyes land on the most beautiful woman who owns my heart . . . except my lies.
I go directly to grab fresh boxers, and as I turn to face her, she’s already looking at me, wearing the smile that makes my heart skip a beat. We stare at each other for a few seconds, silently urging the other to talk first. It seems both of us are about to confess something important, and we’re worried at the same time how the other will accept the confession.
She smiles and says, “I have a surprise for you.”
I smile back as I ask, “Oh, what is it?”
“We’re having a baby!” She sits up on her knees, looking at me with excitement in her eyes, and a smile on her beautiful face.
As soon as I hear the word ‘baby,’ my heart falls into the pits of hell. An unexplainable coldness surrounds me as fear coats me while I look at her with utter disbelief. How the fuck did this happen? I suit up! All.The.Fucking.Time!
Then, my blood boils over.
Fear comes in full force, controlling my brain, and shackling my heart. Faith takes a back seat, anger takes its cue from fear, and the ghost of my past finally emerges.
“What?” I question her. My voice neatly wrapped in a cover of indignation.
Her happy disposition changes to complete and pure shock. She clutches her belly with her right hand as the other covers her mouth, but a cry of pain escapes her lips anyway. I continue to look at her with displeasure covering my face.
I’m mad at myself . . . I’m mad at her . . . I’m fucking mad at the world.
“Answer me! I always suit up, Tami! You’re on the pill. It’s over kill here. So, please, explain to me how the hell this happened. Now!”
She wipes her face as she hides her body from me with a throw. Bravely, she walks toward me, though still shaken, she schools herself. When she stops right in front of me, she stares into my eyes, not with anger in hers but disappointment. However, at this point, I’ve already succumbed to the dark side . . . the dark side I’m hiding from; it’s finally caught up with me.
“You know as much as I do, the pill and condoms aren’t one hundred percent. Having said that, the night of my accident I missed a dose when I was in the hospital, and if I’m not mistaken, you took me twice without changing when you fucked me the morning I was released.”
I cringe inwardly when she described our union as fucking, because with her it’s never that. . . . it never will be. But that thought only stayed in my brain for a fleeting moment, because my fear’s strength is so strong rationale is nonexistent.
Pulling my hair and yelling in frustration I ask, “So, you knew then that you missed taking one. Why the hell would you . . .”
“Stop right there! I didn’t plan this or go behind your back. I know you’re shocked, but we are having a baby, Brian. It’s not as if I committed murder. It’s the exact opposite, because life has been gifted to us. Our child. Why are you so mad? Why? Help me to understand.”
Now, the avalanche of secrets start to unravel. I walk toward the window, not wanting to see her hurt face and unforgiving eyes on me. Admitting to her what happened years ago is as painful for me as it would be for her, because everything depends on me facing my fears. If I don’t. . . . if my fear of having another child wins, there won’t be an us.
“I lost a child once, Tami.”
A loud agonizing gasp echoes behind me. I don’t turn around even though everything in me is screaming to, because seeing her eyes full of hurt will stop me from spilling everything. Everything needs to be expelled, right now. Every fear. . . . every secret. . . . every guilt.
“With Lorraine,” she says more like a statement than a question. I told her about Lorraine being my high school girlfriend, just not about me having a child with her.
“I was a senior in high school when Lorraine got pregnant.” A sad laugh escapes me, “I was warming up to the idea of having a child. I was ready to face it. She got over the first trimester, only to lose our child during the beginning of the second because I fucked her so hard that ni
ght.”
Another gasp fills the silence, only this time, it’s ten times the agony of the first. I brace my hands against the window sill to stop myself from holding her. The pain I’m in is a million times more than what she’s feeling, because I’m reliving my past and mixing it with my future—her and our child. She might not be able to accept it.
With a shaky voice, she says, “I’m sorry you had to go through that, but maybe this time . . . with our child, it’ll bring healing instead of pain. You did love your child, right? You still do, I’m sure, because that’s the type of guy you are. So probably, even with your fears and doubts, you can learn to accept our having one.”
The sour taste of fear and dread prickles my tongue and poisons my heart and mind enough to say words that aren’t true. At this moment, all I know is I need to protect myself from pain, so I say, “I loved. . . . love my first child, but I don’t think I could risk loving and losing another.” That’s when I turn to face her . . . maybe I shouldn’t have.
Part misery and part rejection mask Tami’s face as her eyes question mine. Slowly, she backs away from me as clarity shifts on her face. I reach for her, realizing I shouldn’t have said what I said, but she starts shaking her head. Abruptly, she turns away from me as I hear her feet hitting the floor, followed by a loud bang of the door.
I didn’t mean it. . . .
Didn’t believe it for a second. . . .
My words were powered by my fears. They didn’t come from my heart, not at all; but it’s too late, the cut has been inflicted.
TAMI
I run out of our bedroom, straight to the guest room, locking the door behind me. My mind is still reeling from everything that came out of his mouth. How could I not know he lost a child? How could he have hidden it from me all this time? But, what hit me the most. . . . what hurts the most, was when he said he will not risk losing another. Risk what? Risk loving another child? Risk opening up? Risk facing his fears?
I rummage through the walk in closet for any old clothes. Luckily, I find old sweat pants and one of Brian’s old Marine shirts. After dressing, I climb into the bed, covering my head with the blanket, trying to hide myself from the world . . . maybe from the truth. As tears rapidly slide down my face, I quickly wipe them off. I guess, severe shock and hurt does that to someone’s tear ducts. They’re non-stop at this point with no end in sight.
