by Carian Cole
"So you had, what? A crush on my mother?"
"I guess so, yeah."
"How come you never told me this?"
"What's there to tell?"
"A lot, Tor. It's my mother for God's sake."
He sits up and frowns at me. "Why are you getting upset?"
"Because it's my mother. I feel weird. I had no idea you had a thing for her."
"Kenzi, I was fifteen years old. We were just kids."
"The lyrics are pretty deep. It seems like you liked her a lot."
"I did. She was pretty, and sweet, and she could sing. I had a hard time meeting girls I connected with. But I was no match for your dad. Even though we look alike, it stops there. I don't have his irresistible charm."
"That's not true. You're just different."
"Trust me, I know," he says, his voice laced with bitterness.
I sit up and reach for my clothes, feeling very displaced suddenly. "So what about all the years you lived with us? You were with her all the time. Didn't it bother you?"
"A little at first, I guess, but I was happy for them. They were both my best friends."
I stare at him as more memories flood my mind. "I remember when I was little there were times you would sleep on the bed with her. What about that?" I never saw them touch, but it does seem odd to me now, that they would lay on a bed together.
"She used to get really bad migraines from being on the pill. If your dad wasn't home, she'd ask me to lay on the bed next to her when she felt sick. She hated to be alone. Your dad knew about it. Shit, I've slept in the same bed with him, too, Kenzi. You know how close we all were. We did everything together."
"Did anything ever...happen?" I can barely even get the words out.
"No," he shakes his head back and forth and reaches for my hand. "Never. I would never do that, I loved them both."
"But you were jealous that he got her?"
"In the beginning, yeah. It bothered me. He could have had anyone and he took away the one girl I liked like it was nothing."
I pull my hand away from his and rub my arms. "This is making me feel sick."
His mouth falls into a worried frown. "Why? Kenzi, nothing ever happened. We were just kids. And then you came along and everything kinda just fell into place." The look of anguish on his face is tearing my heart apart, but I feel betrayed that he's never told about this. We've talked about everything over the years, but never this.
"What do you mean, fell into place?"
"I don't know. The moment I looked into your eyes, everything felt different to me. I felt like I finally had a purpose. To take care of you. You changed my entire life, Kenzi, and you've continued to do so. Being around you always made me feel at peace. I don't know how else to explain it," He lays his hand on my leg as he struggles with trying to explain himself, his brow creasing. "But it's always been there. It's just gotten stronger as the years have gone by. Maybe I'm fucked up but I've kinda started to think of it as fate that brought us together, that it all happened for a reason and we ended up exactly where we're supposed to be."
Yes. That's exactly how it's always felt.
I smile in agreement. "I've always felt that way, too. Like you were mine. I just feel a little betrayed that you never told me you had feelings for my mom. Why would you never tell me about that?"
"I just didn't think it was important. We were fifteen." He repeats.
"Am I like some kind of replacement for her? In your mind?"
His face contorts as if I've slapped him. "Fuck no. How can you even say that to me? What the hell, Kenzi. Do you not know me at all?"
Tears form in my eyes and I'm not even sure why this has hit me so hard. I feel jealous and somewhat shocked. I reach for my jeans on the floor and pull them on, zipping them up.
"What about the hospital after the accident?” I ask. “You were there a lot. I saw you holding her hand all the time."
"Jesus Christ, Kenzi. She was one of my best friends. Why are you acting like this? Are you jealous?"
"Yes. Okay? I do feel jealous and I don't understand why you never told me about this. I'm worried maybe you've had feelings for her this entire time or something."
"That's insane. I never told you because it happened a million years ago. Nothing ever happened, I never even kissed her."
"It's more the feelings you had for her that bother me. The song, the lyrics-"
He puts his hand up. "That's a fucking song, Kenzi. With elaborations to make it better. I haven't been pining for Ember for years if that's what you're thinking."
"I don't know what to think. First Sydni is on your bed kissing you and now I find this out. It's a lot, to me. Like ghosts are all around us."
"This is what I mean. I'm an adult, Kenzi. I have a past, and yes, that past includes a few women. I'm sorry that you don't have a past with men, but if you did, you'd understand what I'm talking about. That shit is over and done. You know damn well that Sydni has crept back over the years, but I ended things with her permanently."
I pull my pink t-shirt over my head and reach for my shoes. I suddenly just want to be alone. I'm not used to feeling jealousy at all and I hate that I am. I know in my heart that he would never lie to me, but I still can't make the jealous stabs to my heart stop.
"So now you're going to throw my age in my face?"
"No, I didn't mean it like that you and you know it. I'm just pointing out that you don't have any past relationships, and I do, and we can't change that," He pushes the sheets off the lower half of his body. "And why are you getting dressed? Are you leaving? We have another hour we could be together."
"Yes. I just want to be alone for a little while."
"Why? We had a great day and you're going to let this wreck it? You're acting stupid."
"Well, thanks, Tor."
He stands and comes around to where I'm sitting on the edge of the bed putting my shoes on. "I'm sorry. I just don't know why you're so upset. You know I love you and only want you. All that crap is in the past and it's silly for you to even think about it."
"How did my mom feel about you over the years? Did you guys ever talk about feelings for each other?"
"Never. We were strictly friends. We talked a lot, but never about anything inappropriate."
I sigh and rub my forehead. "I'm sorry, Tor. I don't know why this has me so upset, honestly, I don't. I guess it was just unexpected, and finding out you wrote a song about it just sorta adds to it. Every time I hear that song now, I'm going to think about this."
"I can't change that. Why can't you look at it as a good thing? If I hadn't been with Ember that day who knows if your parents would have hooked up and had you? And then I wouldn't have you now."
My shoulders drop. "I don't know. It makes me feel weird thinking about you crushing on my mother. It feels twisted to me." I know I shouldn't be this upset, and I think it might be because of the last thing I heard my mother say, the morning of the accident. I overhead her and my dad in the kitchen, and she said "Tor understands, why can't you?" and my father replied "Oh, here we go again with Tor." I have no idea what they were talking about, but now it's got me wondering all sorts of things, like maybe she had feelings for him? Could that be possible? They weren't fighting, because my parents never fought. They talked everything out. But she was definitely upset about something.
He puts his hands on my shoulders and forces me to look at him. "It's not twisted. It was a stupid little crush that never amounted to a damn thing other than me walking her to a park. Everything feels like major drama at that age. I was jealous and pissed, sure. But that's it. You are not any kind of replacement. I love you."
"And I love you, too. I think I just want to be alone for the rest of the night to sort out my head. It's late anyway. You know I have to go home."
He runs his hand through his rumpled bed hair, his eyes darting from me to the bed like he can't understand how a little while ago we were making love and now we are here.
"I can't believe th
is is our first fight and it's about something that happened when I was fifteen. Really, Kenzi?"
"It has nothing to do with age, Tor. It’s that it was my mother."
He throws his arms up in exasperation and then rubs the back of his neck. "I can't believe this."
"I just don't understand why you've never told me. You tell me everything. You always have. Why wouldn't you tell me this? It's like you were hiding it."
"I wasn't hiding anything. I have no reason to."
Going to him, I wrap my arms gently around his waist. "I'm sorry, Tor. Just let me go home and cool off. We'll be fine in the morning, I promise. I just need to work it out in my head. I think it just surprised me."
His arms encircle me tightly, and I know it must be hurting his ribs for him to be hugging me so hard. "There was never anything between us, Angel. I've been totally honest with you, like I always have." He lifts my chin with his finger and kisses me softly. "I would never lie to you, especially about your mom. I couldn't disrespect her or you that way."
"I know," I whisper. "I'll call you in the morning."
Reluctantly, he loosens his hold on me. "Text me when you get home so I know you're okay."
"I will."
I'm acting like an idiot. This I know, but I still can't seem to stop myself. Is it jealousy? Or just worry about what my parents were talking about that morning? Or maybe it's like it's always been - anything related to thinking about my mother tends to turn my head all around into a twisted mess because she's not here to talk to. There is no closure. No answers. Just questions. It's a bizarre feeling to have your parent here, but not. Maybe Aunt Katherine was right, and I should have been in therapy to deal with my confusion about my mother.
As I'm lost in my thoughts driving home in the dark, suddenly my Jeep starts to sputter, jerking me back into focusing on driving. A small light I’ve never seen before has suddenly lit up on my dashboard. Squinting at it, I realize it’s the gas light.
Shit.
I pull over to the side of the dark, woodsy road I'm on and the car dies. It just stops, and won't start again.
This can't be happening.
Driving to the beach and back today must have sucked up a lot of gas, and I didn't notice when I was driving us home earlier that the light was on or that the gauge had gotten so low. My father has told me a hundred times to always make sure I have a full tank of gas, and somehow, I still forgot.
Grabbing my phone from the passenger seat, my heart sinks when I see that I have no service out here on this mountain road that I need to take to get home. There are a few houses on this road, but they are all set way back off the road, and I'm not about to go traipsing down someone's dark driveway right to their house not knowing what kind of person could be living there. Realizing I'm going to have to walk until I reach the small town a few miles up the road to either get reception or find a phone, I dig the tiny flashlight out of the center console that my father had put there, and jump out of the car.
Okay, Kenzi. You know this road. There's a full moon, so it's not that dark. Just walk. And keep walking. And walk. Fast.
I'm doing okay as I chant this over and over in my head while I walk until a motorcycle roars up the road behind me, and pulls to a stop a few feet ahead of me. A chill runs down my spine as I realize it's not Tor as I fleetingly hoped. I know the sound of his engine, the shape of his body, and the man in front of me isn't him. And, besides all that, Tor's bike is still in the shop.
I freeze, rooted to the side of the dark road, contemplating running back the other way. I never should have left Tor's house in the middle of the night over a stupid fight. The rider turns sideways to me, a lit cigarette hanging from his lips, his long shaggy hair parted on the side and hiding half his scarred face. The night glasses are covering his eyes, but I know behind them are eyes the color of turquoise. Eyes that once belonged to the golden boy of this town. Captain of the football team. Star of the lacrosse team. Voted prom king and most likely to become a star. But not anymore. Tyler Grace is a psychotic maniac. A murderer. His gravelly voice breaks the night silence as we stare at each other.
"If you run I'll chase you. And I will catch you. Get on the fucking bike."
In the distance to my right I can see a porch light on at a house through the woods, and I choose to bolt down their driveway rather than stand here on a dark road with someone that I have absolutely no idea if I can trust. The fact that he's Tor's brother doesn't change what he's done, what he could do, or that he's been completely unhinged for years.
As I run down the dark dirt driveway, I hear him coming up behind me, his feet pounding on the dirt behind me.
Oh my God. He really is chasing me.
He tackles me from behind and we go down, with him snaking one arm around the front of me and using his other arm to brace our fall, we land on the dirt driveway with him laying on top of me. I gasp for air both from fear and getting the wind knocked out of me, and I'm petrified when he covers my mouth with his hand.
"Don't scream. Just breathe." He says against my ear, and eases up some of his weight off my back. His voice is so much like Tor's, only darker and full of torment and hatred.
Slowly, he moves his rough hand across to my cheek.
"Why the fuck did you run?" He growls. "Did you really think I wasn’t going to chase you? Hunting things down and catching them is just way too much fun."
"Please don't hurt me." I beg, gasping for breath as tears start streaming down my cheeks.
"Of course that's the first thing out of your fuckin’ mouth."
"Tyler...please."
His finger continues to strokes across my cheek and it sends shivers of terror down my spine. "You're the first woman to say my name in a very long time."
"Just let me go." I push back against him and kick my legs up, trying to throw him off me but he's too big and muscular for me to even budge him.
"No. You might want to stop squirming, though, 'cuz I haven't had a woman under me in a long time either."
"Please..." My heart pounds in fear but I try to reel myself in so I can attempt to get some control over the situation. I already know he's mentally damaged. But I also know that this is Tor's brother, and somewhere in him must be the happy-go-lucky, caring, talented person that we once knew.
"You know who I am, right, Ty?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm.
"Yup. Little Kenzi Valentine all grown up." He rolls his hips against my ass and I suck in a shuddering breath, praying he doesn't touch me anymore and hoping he's just trying to scare me in some sick demented way.
"I'm still close to Toren, he's going to be mad if he finds out about this."
He lets out a maniacal laugh. "I'm not afraid of Tor. Sorry."
"What do you want?"
"I've been waiting to get you alone for awhile. You leave gifts for me. Why?"
I gulp some air. "I don't know...to be nice. I thought it would make you smile."
Another crazy hyena laugh erupts from him. "You think I need to smile?"
"Yes." I reply simply, because I believe it.
"You feel fuckin' sorry for me?"
I shake my head, my cheek pressing into the dirt. "No. I don't. I just think everyone deserves to have someone treat them nice."
"Even a monster like me?"
"Even you."
"I didn't take that girl," He says, his voice softening just a little. "And I didn't hurt her."
"I know that." And I did know that. When Tyler was found with a local girl that had been kidnapped years ago, everyone in this small town assumed he was the one who had held her captive for all those years. He was found standing over the body of a man dressed in an oxford shirt, with dark slacks and loafers who appeared to be a nice, normal man, while the girl stood by and wept, not saying a word. And there was Tyler, with wild long dirty blonde hair, tattoos covering most of his body which were actually hiding scars from years before, wearing old dirty motorcycle boots, ripped up jeans and a faded t-shirt stretch
ed over muscles that had just been used as a weapon to take the life of someone. But in fact, Ty was the hero who saved her; he killed her real captor with his bare hands after he attacked Ty for accidentally stumbling upon the kidnapped girl hidden in a hole deep in the woods. Sadly, the press had already had their field day with the story before they knew the facts, and Tyler was crucified, pushing him even further into seclusion.
Leaning down close to my face, he pushes my hair to the side, and presses his lips against the spot just behind my ear and whispers in an evil, suggestive tone.
"It does make me smile."
He lifts himself off my back and pulls me up so we're both sitting in the dirt driveway.
"You hurt?" He asks.
I brush my clothes off and shake my head. "No, I'm fine."
"You shouldn't have run. And you shouldn't be out here in the fuckin' dark, either. You got any brains in that pretty head of yours?"
"My car died and my phone doesn't work. I didn't know what to do."
"Evil lurks in the dark, waiting for girls like you. I could have just raped the shit out of you. Or worse. Don't think it didn't fuckin' cross my mind."
I blink at him, frozen with fear. I'm alone in the dark with a lunatic who just admitted he thought about raping me.
"You should've stayed in your car."
"You're right." I peek over at him in the dark, grateful the moon is bright enough to throw off enough light for me to be able to see him and attempt to gauge his actions. "I thought you didn't talk anymore." On television the victims try to make small talk to calm the psycho down, so maybe I should try that, too.
He turns to face me and I catch a hint of his blue eyes under the moonlight and the jagged scars that run down the side of his face. "I don't."
"Then why are you talking to me?"
"I guess I'm feelin' fuckin' chatty."
He stands and tugs me up with him, pulling my arm so hard I'm afraid it will snap. "Now you're going to get on the back of my fuckin' bike like I asked and we're going to get a container of gas. You think you can hold it without falling the hell off?"
