Class Is Not Dismissed!

by Gitty Daneshvari

  Lulu was extraordinarily fast at seeing and snapping up beetles. Knowing their proclivity for hiding in plain sight, she instantly caught an astonishing twenty-five on the pageant photos, most of them posing as earrings, hair clips, or brooches. (The bulk of this find was a double-wrap necklace made out of eleven beetles.) Shortly thereafter Lulu discovered nineteen beetles framing a small painting, six on Madeleine’s favorite polka-dot pullover, and eight on the black squares on the chessboard in the boys’ room. Lulu had impressively found fifty-eight in all, bringing the grand total to seventy-two captured beetles. Unfortunately, she wasn’t so lucky on the spider front. Lulu was able to find only four in the hall closet upstairs and three in the foyer.

  Theo and Garrison started in the kitchen—not surprisingly, at Theo’s recommendation. As Garrison peered into the pink cupboards and under the magenta stove, Theo looked through a loaf of sliced bread, eating two pieces in the process. He followed the bread with shoving a handful of crackers into his mouth. Soon crumbs were cascading off his chubby cheeks and down the front of his shirt.

  “Would you stop eating? I need help,” Garrison barked.

  “Excuse me, Gary, but I’m helping. There could have been beetles or spiders in the bread or crackers. It’s not like they don’t eat carbs.”

  “How do you know you didn’t eat one without realizing it? I mean, you barely chew.”

  Theo immediately stopped chewing. He wanted to spit the food out, but worried what he would see. He wasn’t concerned that he could have eaten a spider, as they were too big to miss, but a beetle was an entirely different matter. They were small enough, and Theo imagined they crunched a lot like a cracker. With a pained expression, Theo swallowed the lump of food in his mouth. Whatever was in there, he didn’t want to know. “Yeah, maybe this wasn’t the best time for a snack,” a queasy-faced Theo acquiesced.

  “Let’s check the dining room,” Garrison said as he walked toward the beaded doorway that connected it with the kitchen.

  “Wow, they are smart,” Theo said as he stared at the pink strands of beads that hung between the two rooms. The beetles had formed a V shape across the beads, looking much like a purposeful design.

  “Lulu thinks they’re smarter than you are,” Garrison said with a grin.

  “I take that as a compliment,” Theo said huffily, then paused. “On second thought, I don’t!”

  After running through the Library of Smelly Foods and the polo field, Theo and Garrison had yet to find one spider. They did, however, add to the sixteen beetles they’d found in the kitchen, finding another eight hidden on different parts of the horses, from eyes to nostrils to the unmentionables.

  As the boys headed for the classroom, they noticed a dim light shining beneath a nondescript door next to the Greenland Fungus room. It wasn’t a beautiful, weird, or scary door; it was so utterly normal that it could have been found in any house in America.

  “Look, there’s a light on,” Garrison said, as he moved toward the plain door, much to Theo’s irritation.

  “Let’s stay on track, OK? We are on bug duty. Then we have Abernathy tomorrow. We have a seriously packed schedule, and as it is, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed… hey, wait! What are you doing?” Theo nervously asked as Garrison quietly opened the door.

  “Stay here,” Garrison whispered to Theo.

  “No way! We’re a team! We’re Tharrison! Or Gareo!”

  “No name combining,” Garrison whispered as he started down a dark, wood-paneled hall. The dimly lit corridor opened up into a proper library with books, a fireplace, a wall of trophies, and more pictures than one could count. There were framed photos of children, adults, and families all over the room—above the fireplace and on the mantel, the bookshelf, the end tables, and hanging on the walls.

  “Who is there?” Mrs. Wellington asked in a commanding voice.

  The tall back of her leather chair obstructed the boys’ view of Mrs. Wellington, and vice versa.

  “Garrison and Theo,” Garrison announced uneasily, nervous that they were about to get into trouble for snooping.

  “Students from your school,” Theo added awkwardly. “We didn’t mean to interrupt. It’s just that we noticed a light on while we were bug hunting. And since we don’t like to waste energy, we came in here to turn it off. So please don’t be upset. We thought we were helping the environment… let’s not fight over a silly light… I just made that slogan up… it’s not my best work, but I think you get the idea—” Theo blustered.

  “Look at all these faces, all these lives I’ve helped. Quite remarkable, isn’t it? And soon none of it will matter,” Mrs. Wellington interrupted Theo, completely disregarding the conversation on conservation.

  “That’s not true,” Theo responded. “Look at all your trophies. Speaking as someone who has never won a trophy, they really matter… they make you important… and no one can take that away from you.”

  “I’ve won more trophies than I can count,” Garrison said, before noticing Theo’s envious expression. “So where did all these trophies come from?”

  “We used to play other schools—specialty schools like the Fibbers’ Academy, Silent School, the Awkward Institute, Contrary Conservatory—but now there are hardly any left. People are too afraid, too afraid of being found out, and lied about, and sued, and ruined,” Mrs. Wellington said as she stood up and walked toward the boys. “And conceivably with good reason. The world is not what it used to be.”

  “OK, this isn’t good,” Garrison mumbled.

  “No, it certainly isn’t, but there is nothing left to do, except perhaps die,” Mrs. Wellington said as she approached the boys. “I suppose I should start planning my funeral, picking out the dress, getting my wig ready, finding worm-proof makeup, and of course, decorating the casket. I’m thinking a pink exterior with a lavender lining. Or maybe I should do solid gold. After all, you only die once…”

  “Mrs. Wellington, we are more than happy to help with the casket decoration, but right now there’s another more pressing situation,” Theo babbled while stepping away from his teacher. “Way, way, way more pressing situation.”

  CHAPTER 23

  EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF SOMETHING:

  Ophthalmophobia is the fear of being stared at.

  Poor Mrs. Wellington, so distraught and distressed, had failed to notice that her shawl was in fact a blanket of brown-and-burgundy spiders. The spiders had interlocked their legs with one another, creating a rather sophisticated-looking knit. It was all quite a blessing, as it was terribly easy to transport the spiders back to the B and B while clustered together. And Mrs. Wellington hardly seemed to notice or mind that she was wearing a mass of spiders. She was far too inconsolable about the school to care about such a trivial thing. When all was said and done, only four beetles were unaccounted for, and Theo was beginning to think he may have eaten at least two in his haste to inhale the crackers.

  After a detailed search of the girls’ bedroom and bathroom, Madeleine was finally able to fall asleep, albeit in her shower cap, veil, and rain poncho, with a can of repellent in each hand. Nearby, Lulu tossed and turned with vivid dreams of dogs tap dancing and singing show tunes. Next door, Theo lay awake most of the night with his hands on his stomach. The contractions in his lower intestine left him with little doubt that he had indeed eaten a beetle or two. His mind teemed with images of half-chewed beetles gnawing on his organs or, worse, procreating.

  Theo longed to wake Garrison and get another pep talk, maybe one about putting aside your own internal insect farm to help your teacher, but he refrained. Garrison was sleeping far too soundly to wake him. The ability to sleep before a big day must be the result of years of sports tournaments, Theo thought.

  Across the hall, Hyacinth awoke in the middle of the night confused and disoriented. As she sat up in bed, it all came rushing back to her. Her heart again dropped into her stomach as she remembered the terrible events that had transpired. Though impressed that she had actually been ab
le to fall asleep while alone in a room, she was still in the grip of rampant panic. The extreme silence of the room left her with a pounding heart and racing thoughts.

  What would her life be like if she were always alone? Would she be forced to live with the horrible, suffocating fright she was currently experiencing? The young girl hopped out of bed and threw on a clean green pantsuit. With sweaty palms she slowly turned the knob of her bedroom door. Hyacinth listened with all her might for some small sound from the others. She just needed proof that she wasn’t actually all alone in this enormous mansion. But she heard nothing. It was, after all, 4:00 AM. She slid to the floor and waited for the sun to rise, for confirmation that the others were still there.

  When Madeleine, Lulu, Garrison, and Theo tiptoed into the hall at 6:45, Hyacinth covertly watched from her room. Simply seeing the others flooded her with a sense of joy and reassurance, but it also magnified the estrangement she had caused. Hyacinth slipped into the kitchen while the others held an extremely early breakfast/strategy session with Schmidty. She eavesdropped as the group decided that Macaroni would not accompany them on the Abernathy adventure, due to his aversion to the feel of cobblestones on his paws. Also, bulldogs are not known for their communication skills, so all agreed it was best to leave him at Summerstone. The rules set forth by Schmidty were simple: do not enter the woods. The students were only allowed to call Abernathy’s name from the edge of the forest, and if the man appeared, to plead with him to come up to Summerstone.

  “You know I loathe to be the naysayer,” Schmidty explained, “the voice of gloom and doom, especially since I am so touched by all that you are doing to help Madame, but I simply don’t want you to feel disappointed or responsible should he not return with you. This is a man who has been alone for most of his life, living outside in the wilderness, away from society. He won’t be the easiest of candidates to convince.”

  “But Abernathy came out before; he could do it again,” Garrison offered. “We have to try. We can’t just let Mrs. Wellington sit here and wait to die. She is a good teacher and she has helped a lot of people, and if she could help Abernathy, then we might be able to stop that article.”

  “Gary, I’ve never known you to be so optimistic and driven. I’ll be honest; I am really inspired right now. If we were near a field, I think I could play a few rounds of some sport,” Theo said proudly.

  “A few rounds of some sport,” Lulu repeated wryly. “You don’t even know how to talk about sports, let alone play them.”

  “And I’m not even going to start with you on the Gary thing,” Garrison muttered.

  “Schmidty, do you think Abernathy will be frightened by my ensemble? Is it best I stay here?” Madeleine asked politely.

  “Don’t try to get out of this, Maddie,” Lulu said decisively. “Plus, remember, there are still four beetles loose in Summerstone, so you’re not truly safe anywhere.”

  “Thank you for those unpleasant and distressing words, Lulu,” Madeleine said through gritted teeth.

  “No problem,” Lulu said with a smile. “So Abernathy is afraid of stepmothers, and none of us have stepmothers. Yeah, this is going to be a piece of cake.”

  “Positive energy, Lulu! Mrs. Wellington needs us. This school is it for her, so the least we can do is try to help,” Theo pleaded. “Anyway, who’s going to help us if she’s not here?”

  “You’re right, Chubby. Let’s do this,” Lulu said as she stood up from the table.

  “And everyone is absolutely positive that I should come?” Madeleine asked nervously.

  “Four supersmart beetles, Maddie, and we have no idea where they are,” Garrison said with a smile.

  “Right,” Madeleine said with a tense expression. “Let’s find Abernathy.”

  “I’m ready with sandwiches and tiramisu. What are you guys bringing?” Theo asked the others.

  “Our brains,” Lulu deadpanned. “And hopefully, a lot of luck.”

  While Abernathy sometimes came up to Summerstone, the group thought the odds of finding him were better if they went to the forest. Theo, Madeleine, Garrison, and Lulu took an uneventful trip down the mountain in the SVT; why, Theo didn’t even do a set of stretches afterward. He simply walked off the tram like the rest of them. And there the group stood staring at the massive walls of foliage bordering the forest. It wasn’t an insanely long time that the foursome stood there staring, but it felt like it to them. Each of them wondered how on earth they would be able to lure Abernathy to the edge, let alone entice him up to the school and persuade him to reenroll. The mission to save Mrs. Wellington suddenly felt very much like an exercise in futility.

  “So I’m thinking maybe we sing a song, set a friendly mood, to start this off,” Theo said, breaking the silence.

  “A song?” Lulu asked incredulously. “What do you think this is, a musical?”

  “What about something festive, like the national anthem?”

  “I’m not sure I know that song, Theo, and I’m actually not too keen on my voice,” Madeleine said sweetly while covering herself in repellent.

  “Theo, no one is singing. And we certainly aren’t singing the national anthem to a man living in the forest,” Lulu shot back.

  “And for all we know, the national anthem’s changed since he was a kid,” Garrison offered.

  Lulu, Theo, and Madeleine all looked at Garrison and shook their heads.

  “Fine. Maybe it hasn’t changed,” Garrison said with embarrassment. “It’s not like I’m listening to it on my iPod. How was I supposed to know?”

  “Moving on, should I display the food, sort of like a buffet on the ground?”

  “How about we start by calling his name?” Garrison offered.

  “Won’t that insult him, like he’s some lost dog or something?” Lulu responded quickly.

  “No way. People call my name all the time on the field, and I never think of myself as a dog. Just don’t say it all singsongy, like a dog’s name.”

  “I never realized it until now, but my whole family says my name in that singsongy lost-pet voice. Theeeeeooooo! What do you think it means? Lack of respect, or display of affection?”

  “OK, Theo, get a therapist. Garrison, call his name. Maddie, keep spraying yourself,” Lulu said in an unyielding and take-charge manner.

  “Abernathy!” Garrison called out.

  “We come in peace!” Theo shouted. “We don’t bear gifts, but we do have sandwiches and tiramisu, which are better than most of the gifts I get and I assume better than most gifts you get. Although I’m not sure you even get any gifts without a real mailing address, so…”

  “I think it’s safe to say that this isn’t going very well,” Lulu observed.

  The foursome stood there looking at the seemingly endless greenery, responsibility weighing heavily on their shoulders. This was it. This was their one and only idea to save Mrs. Wellington, her legacy, and themselves. And there was simply no denying that they were failing. Garrison tried to take a deep breath but he couldn’t—and not simply because of Madeleine’s repellent. He was too tied up with anxiety and a sense of duty. And he wasn’t the only one. Lulu felt a familiar pulsing sensation behind her left eye as the fear of failure took hold.

  Madeleine sprayed and sprayed, worrying that she heard insect wings flapping in the distance. And rather predictably, Theo was nervously stealing bites of the sandwiches in the bag. He always ate when he was nervous or happy or bored or, more aptly, awake.

  “Um, guys! Look at my head. Is there a lightbulb shining? Because I have an idea!” Theo squealed excitedly. “Here’s the plan. Gary, Lulu, Maddie, get behind me in a straight line.”

  “I have a feeling I’m going to regret whatever it is we’re about to do,” Garrison mumbled to Madeleine.

  “Highly probable,” Madeleine agreed.

  “This is a supersimple background setup. I want you guys to step side to side and clap your hands in unison. Do you think you can handle that?”

  After the requis
ite eye rolling and scoffing, the three of them begrudgingly began to step and clap.

  “Give me an A! Give me a B! Give me an E! Give me an R!” Theo cheered as he clumsily executed some rudimentary cheerleader moves. “Give me an N! Give me an A! Give me a T! Give me an H! Give me a Y! What’s that spell? Abernathy! Yeah! Yeah! Abernathy!”

  Theo finished his cheer by throwing his imaginary pom-poms in the air and jumping up and down. With a proud smile, he turned back toward his friends, who were bent over one another in hysterics. As his smile faded Theo genuinely began to reconsider his long-held plan to join the cheer squad in high school. This was hardly the reaction he had been expecting.

  “That’s OK, you guys can totally laugh. It’s supposed to be a comedic routine… seriously… I did it to get this reaction… I thought it would be a good team-building exercise for everyone to laugh at me… honestly, I wasn’t being serious… OK, maybe I was, but don’t tell Joaquin about this, OK?” Theo babbled.

  “You just made my summer,” Lulu choked out between tears of laughter. “I can’t believe you threw your pretend pom-poms in the air!”

  Madeleine suddenly stopped laughing and spraying. The delicate young girl lightly tapped Garrison and Lulu on the shoulders before pointing toward the forest with a smile.

  “I underestimated you, Theo,” Garrison said kindly. “It worked.”

  Theo turned triumphantly toward the forest and scanned the dense foliage until he came across Abernathy’s ashy face, which was worn and patchy, with crevices scattered across his cheeks. Normally the sight of such a ragged man would send shivers up Theo’s spine, but in this instance all he felt was relief. Throwing his imaginary pom-poms in the air once again, he slowly approached the edge of the forest.

  “Hi!” Theo shouted out agreeably. “I’m really glad you were able to catch my performance. Unfortunately I can’t do an encore, because those were the only moves I know. So please don’t clap or hold up a lighter, because I am fresh out of groove.” He paused to smile victoriously at the others. “Anyway, I am here to officially tell you that I get it. I would wig out, no pun intended, if Mrs. Wellington were my stepmother. I’m not sure I would go so far as to live in the forest, but I would be really upset.