Here & Now

by Melyssa Winchester

  There’s apparently a first time for everything though, because if Caddy hadn’t done what she did, I get the feeling that things would have turned out a whole lot worse tonight and even just thinking about that makes me wanna puke.

  When she told me to leave, it’s like the haze I’d been living in lifted and I was normal again. My heart wasn’t pounding away, I wasn’t having a hard time breathing and focusing, everything was just level and calm. So I tried to do damage control and failed. I scared her, something that after the shit with Tim last year, I’ve been determined as hell not to do.

  It wasn’t just her that I scared the hell out of. It was me too.

  “Be careful with these, they’re like steroids on speed, man. You’re gonna notice shit changing. You’ll be more aggressive, determined, hell, even hornier than you normally are.”

  Aggression is fine on the field. It’s where I want it to be, being more driven and determined too, but having it happen when I’m making out with Caddy? It’s wrong. I don’t care how hot I get, how needy I am for her, the shit I just pulled in there, it can’t happen again.

  I need to make this up to her. Tell her the truth. Let her know that it wasn’t me doing that shit, it was the effect of the drugs on me.

  If you admit you’re taking something, it’s going to be even worse than when she found out about your knee. She’ll never forgive you and you’ll end up the way you’ve always deserved to be. Alone.

  The voice in my head, the one that sounds eerily like Bruce, is right. If I go back in there right now and tell Cadence the truth, lay everything out, it’s going to end badly. I’m going to lose her and with what I’m already facing, having to walk away from football once I’m done with these games, this is just not something I’m willing to do.

  She’s the one thing I’ve got left. I can’t lose her. Even if it means lying to her while I somehow find a way to make up for my insanity before.

  I can’t end up alone.

  Chapter Twenty

  Cadence

  We’re two parts of the same whole. Singular pieces of a heart that only make sense when we’re together. I hope when you wear this, you’ll feel as complete as I do.

  I love you, Adrian.

  Forever yours,

  Rocky

  This is the third present that’s shown up in as many days. Even though we’ve talked since that night in my room, Dillon still can’t seem to let it go. So in a way that’s unique to him, he’s finding other ways to get how sorry he is and how badly he wants to fix things across to me.

  The first day it was waking up to three different flower deliveries on my front step. The second, a note, like the one he wrote me last fall, taped to the rock that my mom normally keeps the spare key under and today, it’s a necklace, with the charm of a heart split in half.

  It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him that he’s forgiven for the way he acted that night, he just keeps on going. The gifts he’s giving me, I don’t need them, but there’s no denying that seeing them every day when I make my way out the door to head to school that I’m affected by them.

  By him.

  Which brings us to what we’re doing now.

  Moving Dillon into his new apartment.

  Dillon and Kayden have been doing a lot of the heavy lifting, bringing new furniture in to go along with the pieces that were already there when he signed the lease on the place, while Belle and I have been regulated to unpacking the little amount of his own stuff he brought when he left his mom’s.

  I knew this day was coming when he started staying with Kayden, but with as much time that passed since it happened, I started believing he was waiting for me before he moved out.

  It’s silly, but with how comfortable he seemed to be staying with them, in no rush to leave, it just seemed like he wasn’t ready to live with anyone until he did it with me. Even if the idea of living with Dillon is still a long way off, both in my head and in my mom’s too.

  Instead of it being me and Dillon living together, it’s him and Ryder and there’s something about knowing that if he’s going to do it, it’s Ryder he’s doing it with that makes me happy. I’ve gotten to talk to the guy a lot when I meet Dillon after his practices and even though I can’t quite figure him out, he seems to genuinely care and with everything Dillon’s been through, he needs someone to do that.

  For so long now, it’s just been me, my mom, Kayden and Belle. Having someone new and it being someone Dillon doesn’t seem to be as guarded around, is a good thing.

  This arrangement is pretty much perfect.

  “Penny for your thoughts.” Belle says after tapping me on the shoulder and smiling once I look up.

  “I’m sorry. How long was I ignoring you?”

  “You weren’t, but I’ve been watching you for the last couple of minutes. You can’t take your eyes off him.” she says, pointing across the room to where Dillon and Kayden and now loading in the living room sofa.

  “It’s nothing.”

  “You know, normally I would let that go, but the look you’re giving him, it’s not the one I’m used to seeing. Is there something going on with you two?”

  I know she’s only trying to be a friend and with everything floating around inside my head, I know I could use one of those, but I’m not sure how comfortable I feel spilling my guts about this. I mean it’s probably nothing.

  Dillon has been nothing but attentive and loving with me since that night in my room, so there really shouldn’t be any reason for me to be worried about anything, but I am.

  He seems revved up, hyper even. Like someone who’s had too many coffees or drinking those gross tasting energy drinks all day. At first, I didn’t even notice it because him and Kayden were working in tandem with each other, but the more I sat in here watching them as they go in and out, and how often I see Kayden asking to take a break and Dillon shooting him down, the more it seems like everything is not how it should be.

  It’s like we’re back in my room all over again and he’s done a complete 360 again, only this time, he’s not angry, just determined. No matter how many times they go up and down bringing things up, he never seems to tire and need a break.

  Am I seeing things that aren’t there? Is he acting the way he always does and it’s just because I’ve never seen him in this kind of situation before that I’m having trouble making sense of his actions? Or is there more going on here and Dillon’s not right?

  “Does he seem off to you?” I finally breakdown and ask and when she looks over at Dillon, studying his movements before turning back to me, she nods slowly.

  “How much coffee did he have before he started this?”

  “None. That’s what’s so weird. He’s got all of this energy and I have no idea where it’s coming from.”

  “Maybe he’s just happy to be moving into his own place and not having to worry about interrupting me and Kay anymore.”

  “Interrupting you?”

  “Date nights, dinners for two; things like that. Dillon hates when he comes home and it’s like he walked into the middle of something. Kay actually had to stop him from leaving a couple of days ago because he walked in on us kissing in the kitchen.”

  “Maybe that’s what it is.” I respond, going over everything Belle told me. If Dillon was starting to feel like he was in the way, his excitement level right now would make sense. He’s finally going to be on his own and not have to worry about who he’s going to come home and interrupt.

  “I wouldn’t worry about it. If he gets too crazy, Kayden will set him straight. Let’s just focus on getting a lot of this stuff unpacked. The sooner we get it done, the sooner Kay and I can get out of here and let you two have some alone time.”

  The wink she gives me as she says this is not lost on me and it makes me wonder just how much Dillon has told Kayden about us. As I turn back toward the box, I bury my head as far into it as I can get, pretending to look for something as my cheeks begin to flush.

  I know that they�
�re our friends and knowing this kind of thing shouldn’t be a big deal, but there’s something about the idea of them knowing that makes me feel embarrassed. Once the heat has settled, I start pulling clothes out of the box, heading down the hallway toward the room that he’s chosen, preparing to put them away, but before I can make it all the way to the door, arms come around, enveloping me.

  “I was thinking.” He says, once he’s finished leaving a trail of kisses along the back of my neck and turning me around to face him. “What do you think about going out for dinner when we’re finished here?”

  Considering what Belle just said to me a few seconds ago about wanting to get out of here, I had to figure that grabbing dinner would be the last thing on his mind, but as surprised as I am to hear that’s what he wants to do, I’m also happy. With as off as I feel about the way he’s acting, going out sounds perfect.

  Maybe I’ll get to see once and for all if this is all in my head.

  “Sounds great.”

  “Good, because I wasn’t taking no for an answer.” He says, kissing me softly before turning and heading back toward Kayden, this time wearing something I don’t think I’ve seen him wear since I got here even though he should be.

  A smile.

  Dillon

  I hate this. I’ve tried everything I possibly can to make up for my stupid outburst the other night, but nothing seems to work. Caddy still seems wary of me, like she’s just biding her time until I flip out and lose my shit again.

  Any time I would stop long enough to look at her while Kayden and I were moving my shit in, setting up the furniture where I wanted it to be and even putting my bed together so I wouldn’t have to worry about it later, she always seems so lost.

  I know I deserve that after the way I acted, but with everything I’ve been trying to do since we talked about it, it’s something I really don’t like seeing.

  Maybe it’s not even about me. She does have her appointment coming up soon with the doctor, maybe that’s what’s got her acting all weird and standoffish.

  Who I am kidding? Cadence is one of the strongest, most badass people I know. Even if she was freaked out at the idea of this appointment, she wouldn’t show it. She’d just do what I’ve been doing on the field for weeks. Suck it up and deal.

  This is definitely got to do with me.

  My suggestion of dinner, it’s a way to take the pressure off. We haven’t slept together since that night in her room and I’m in no rush to do it. Sure, when we kiss, I get horny as hell and want to take things to the next level, but I know that it’s not the right move. I’ve gotta make the girl trust me again and that won’t happen if we’re alone in the apartment and I try to have sex with her.

  Besides that, we haven’t really gone out and done anything for a while and with me moving in here with Ryder, it’s the perfect damn time for it. He’s not gonna be moving his stuff in until tomorrow, which means after dinner and maybe another few swings around the dance floor, Cadence and I can come back here, curl up on the brand new sofa and watch movies until I’ve got to take her home.

  We can have a peaceful, no stress kind of night where I don’t think about my knee, the drugs I’m taking to perform or even football at all, and she doesn’t have to drown in the worry I know she has over me.

  Yeah, we definitely need a night like that.

  “How’s your knee doing?” she asks once we’ve said goodbye to Kayden and Belle and made our way back inside the apartment.

  “Honestly, it feels pretty great.”

  “Really?” she asks, surprised. “You moved a lot of stuff in today.”

  “Now you see why I wanted to keep going with no breaks. I knew the minute I stopped, the pain would set in and I’d be useless for the night.”

  “Has it set in yet?”

  “Nope, and if it knows what’s good for it, it won’t do it until after I’ve gotten you back here from dinner and we’re cuddling together.”

  “We don’t have to go out. We could just stay in and break in your new TV.”

  There’s only one new TV in the house and it’s the one that I had Kayden drop off and set up in my room. If she’s suggesting we break it in, it means she wants to be in my room.

  No. Don’t even think about going there. You’re taking her out the way you planned. You’re doing this shit right.

  “That’s tempting, but I’d really like to take you out. So just let me grab a shower real quick and we’ll go.”

  “Dillon…”

  Turning toward the sound of her voice, I almost melt when I see the look in her eyes.

  “What is it, baby?”

  “You weren’t the only one that was working hard and needs a shower.”

  “Well, go ahead and go first. I can wait.”

  She blushes and it doesn’t take long for me to clue in what she’s getting at. If the look in her eyes that I saw when I turned toward her wasn’t enough, the playful smile on my girls lips as she turns a deep shade of pink seals it.

  Cadence wants to shower together.

  A first for us, but one that if she’s okay with, I can handle. As long as I keep my hands to myself everything will be fine.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’m sure. I miss you.”

  Those five words are all I need. For the past few days I’ve done nothing but miss the hell out of this girl and if she’s willing to take a step like this, let me in and admit that she misses me too, I’m not going to waste any time or disappoint her. Whatever she wants, it’s hers.

  Walking back toward her, I scoop her up into my arms, laughing as I hear the shriek that comes flying out of her mouth involuntarily, and I stalk toward the bathroom.

  Holding her close before putting her back on the floor once we’ve made it into the room, I kiss her forehead before taking a slight step back and looking her deep in the eyes.

  “I missed you too.”

  Cadence

  I can’t believe how perfect this night has been. The only thing that’s not so perfect is that soon, it’s going to end if the time I caught when I looked down at my watch is right.

  I’ve got exactly an hour before I have to be home according to my mom’s rules, but I’m finding it really hard to slip myself out of Dillon’s arms right now in order to wake him so he can take me home.

  After showering together, where even though I might have attempted to make something happen, nothing did because he didn’t want to push me, we went to dinner and just like the last time he took me to the restaurant, people were staring, but this time it didn’t even faze me.

  They could look all they wanted because from the time we got there and he pulled my chair out for me, to ordering the exact dinner I wanted without even having to double check with me about it, all I could focus on was him and how amazing he’s been.

  My earlier worry completely faded away and all that was left was the two of us, in love and happy.

  Coming home and doing exactly what he said, curling up together and flipping through television shows on his bed while we talked about the most mundane things, it was perfect. It was a moment where if you look close enough, you can see shades of what the future together would look like and all I wanted was more of it.

  We kissed, we touched, but we never let it get past a certain point. In a way, with how the day started, it seemed like we’d gone back to the beginning again and were starting over fresh, only this time without the stress that came from everything he was going through with his dad.

  It was the best kind of beginning and I was getting to do it with the best kind of person.

  After things got heated between us, we decided it might be smart to head out to the living room, where we followed with what we had done in the room and wrapped ourselves up in each other and that’s how we stayed until he fell asleep about a half an hour later.

  He’s been sleeping for a while and just like I’ve done in the past when we’ve been together like this, I’m just content to watch him.

&
nbsp; What I don’t expect is to hear a key in the lock and a body slumping his way in, but that’s exactly what I get and it pulls me from my perfect moment almost instantly. Looking up, not sure how to react, I lock eyes with the other person that lives here and let my heart and my breath settle.

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.” Ryder signs as he makes his way further into the living room and takes sight of sleeping beauty wrapped up with me on the sofa, the smallest tinge of a smile lighting his face.

  “It’s okay.” I mouth back quietly. “I wasn’t sleeping.”

  “Well it looks like someone is.”

  “Yeah, he’s been like this for a while. I need to get home, but with as heavy as he feels right now and all the work he did today, I don’t want to wake him.”

  “I can take you home if you want. You’d just have to show me where it is.”

  Sliding myself out of his arms, careful not to stir him awake, I place the arm that he had wrapped so securely around me, down across his own body and move over to where Ryder’s standing.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

  “Not at all. Let me just throw my bag in my room and we’ll head out.”

  He heads off down the hall and I creep back over to the side of the sofa, enjoying the last couple of minutes I have alone with him before I go. Placing a gentle kiss on his forehead, I head into the kitchen, grabbing the pen and paper I left beside his cell phone, and I scribble out a quick note.

  You were sleeping so soundly, I didn’t want to wake you. Ryder came by and offered me a ride home. I’ll text you when I’m home safe. Thank you for tonight and making me feel like a real life princess. I love you.

  Caddy – XOXO

  Placing the note on the arm of the sofa, I bend over him again, leveling him with another two kisses before I see Ryder out of the corner of my eye and lift up and turn toward him with a smile.

  “You ready?”

  “As I’ll ever be.”

  *****