A Reluctant Companion

by Kit Tunstall

  “I’ll understand if you never want me to touch you again.”

  Madison shook her head. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” She brought his hand to her lips to brush a kiss against his knuckles, hiding the wince of pain that flared when he brushed the cut Bud had left on her mouth.

  “I don’t deserve you.”

  Flashing him a bright smile, she nodded. “No, probably not.”

  Tiernan chuckled. “Your modesty is refreshing, Madison.” He got to his feet before bending down to pick her up.

  She snuggled against him as he carried her a few feet to the cot and laid her down gently. When he started to stand, she gripped his shoulders. “Where are you going?”

  “You need your rest.”

  Madison bit her lip before remembering the injury. “I’d sleep better with you beside me.”

  He seemed hesitant. “I don’t think I have the right to be with you right now.”

  Rolling her eyes, she grabbed his hand and tugged, trying to force him down beside her. “I’m asking you to stay. You once told me you’d give me anything I wanted. Are you a liar?”

  He frowned, his mood remaining dark as his gaze roamed over her body, focusing on the bruises and bites. “Not a liar, but not a man with honor.”

  She sighed, rolling onto her side. “Will you make me beg?”

  After another pause, he shook his head, slowly lying down beside her. Their naked bodies pressed together, but he seemed determined to stay distant. Madison stroked his hip, leaning forward to kiss his chest. “Please forgive yourself, Tiernan. I have.”

  For a long moment, he continued to silently struggle. Finally, his body relaxed, and his arms came around her, holding her close. There was no sex, but his gentle hold and tender attention was just what she needed to heal from her encounter with the rapists. She slept better than she had since before running away, though she suspected her lover lay awake long after she did, no doubt tormenting himself with guilt.

  *****

  Remorse ate at him, and he wondered how she could rest so peacefully in his arms. After what he’d done, she should be terrified of him, not curled so trustingly against him. He marveled at her resiliency, but couldn’t fully embrace her professed forgiveness, mainly because he didn’t deserve it.

  The throbbing scratch marks on his back provided a tiny measure of comfort, proof that she had lost control as completely as he had. It was scant comfort though. Tiernan hated losing control, and he had never done so in such a disgusting, violent way before, especially not with a woman. Did it absolve him that they had ended up having wild, animalistic, but consensual sex? In his heart, he was afraid he had been so out of control that he wouldn’t have stopped even if she had begged.

  The fear came back as he remembered seeing that rapist beating her. Even now, it caused slimy gorge to rise in his throat to imagine what would have happened if they had been even a few minutes later. She had put herself in danger because he wouldn’t listen to her reasons for wanting to go home.

  This was all his fault. With Madison, he wanted to maintain control, but he couldn’t seem to do that. How was he supposed to quell his impulses when his thoughts were so scattered? He had never been so in tune with someone before. Her slightest shift in mood could affect his. Her happiness made him happy, just as her sadness left him morose. For a man used to thinking about his own needs primarily, it was an uncomfortable set of circumstances.

  Life had been simpler before her. Pleasure had been a separate compartment of his life, taken when warranted and put aside when more important issues demanded attention. While he had always tried to make sure his partners physically enjoyed having sex with him, and had given them luxuries during and after agreements, they hadn’t been important to him. Cleo was the exception, and only because they were friends too—and she didn’t warrant the same level of concern as Madison.

  He squirmed at the thought, to realize he had been so selfish and distant from his previous companions. What had seemed like an ideal arrangement in the past now looked shallow and sordid from this perspective. No wonder Madison had been so disgusted by his insistence that she become his companion, even though he didn’t know anything about her as a person.

  The honorable thing would be to escort her home tomorrow and leave her there. Letting Madison go back to her family and forget all about him was the best thing he could do for her. Reflexively, he tightened his hold on her, making her whimper a bit in her sleep. Carefully, he relaxed his arms, musing that it would probably be the best thing for him too. Her absence would ensure the return of his highly prized self-control. There would be no more angry outbursts, passionate arguments, or near-rapes. Giving her up would restore his equanimity and allow him to focus on the most important thing in his life, which was leading the Northwest Federation.

  The idea of leaving her and not looking back made his stomach burn, and a bitter taste filled his mouth. Knowing it was the right thing and actually doing it were two different things entirely. Could he summon the strength of will to release Madison? Holding her against him, he honestly didn’t know and hated the uncertainty. Nothing had been right since she came into his life. Everything was different. Wrong. There was no order and no control.

  Yet, he had never been happier. That was a contradiction he couldn’t reconcile. How could the upset of all things he held dear leave him feeling fulfilled in a way he had never experienced before? What about Madison made him discombobulated and centered all at once? How did he let go of the one thing that made him feel so alive, even while knowing keeping her was the worst thing he could do for both of them?

  Tiernan lay awake long into the early morning hours searching for the answer. Sheer exhaustion claimed him near dawn, but he was no closer to an answer. Even in sleep, he dwelt on the dilemma, experiencing a looping sequence of pushing Madison through a door, only to have second thoughts. When he opened the door to find her, she was gone, leaving only a hallway full of endless doors. Each one opened led to more hallways and doors, and in the dream, he knew he could look for an eternity and never find her again.

  Chapter Thirteen

  They arrived at her home the next afternoon. The train was still in Seattle-Archer, so they’d had to finish the trek on horseback. Madison was excited and impatient to see her family again, even as her mind worried at Tiernan’s silence. He had a brooding air that screamed to leave him alone, and her attempts at conversation had stalled with his monosyllabic responses. She had a new appreciation for the frustration he’d felt at the beginning of their relationship, when she had refused to engage in anything but the most superficial conversation.

  Madison hopped off her horse as they neared the front porch, not even waiting for the painted animal to stop completely. With a whistle that made the dogs bark with gusto, she rushed up the stairs, forgetting manners and everything else in her need to see her family again.

  The screen door opened with the squeak of rusty hinges, and her papa stood there. He was a tall man, with a big frame that swallowed most of the space of the doorway, but she caught a glimpse of Cam behind him before her brother grimaced and turned away. His reaction stung, but she soon forgot it as her father stepped onto the porch and swept her into a bear hug.

  It was only as she stepped back that his joyful expression faded, replaced by one of cold anger. Callum turned from Madison to face Tiernan, scowling at him. “Did you do that to my daughter’s face?” His tone left no doubt there would be retribution, regardless of Tiernan’s position or the five soldiers standing nearby.

  Before Tiernan could speak, Madison grasped her dad’s shoulder. “No, Papa, Tiernan didn’t hurt me.” She was glad for the long sleeves of her shirt and long pants that hid the bruises, scratches, and bites marring her torso, arms, and thighs.

  Her father looked skeptical. “How’d it happen then? You walk into a door, girl?”

  She shook her head. “I got separated from Tiernan and the soldiers yesterday for a bit. Two men attacked me
, but Tiernan found me before they could hurt me.” She touched the bruise at her temple involuntarily. “Much.”

  He stared at her for a moment, as though weighing her words, before nodding. His demeanor changed when he extended a hand to Tiernan. “I’m obliged you were there to save her.”

  Tiernan took his hand. “Don’t let her fool you, Mr. Cole. Madison handled one of the pieces of trash all by herself.”

  Her papa’s eyes gleamed with pride. “Good girl.” With a sigh, his eyes dulled. “You’d best come into the house, Madi. Your momma’s wanting to see you real bad.”

  Nerves made her stomach clench, and she reached for Tiernan’s hand on pure instinct, leaving him no option to withdraw or stay behind. She followed Callum into the house, scanning for Cam, who was conspicuously absent. Pushing aside that hurt, she went down the hall to her parents’ room, following Callum inside and not releasing Tiernan’s hand as she did so.

  She finally let go at the first sight of her mother, as she rushed to her side. Elaine was thinner than ever, but her face was puffy, and her eyes had swollen almost shut. Pink patches decorated her pale skin in a grotesque mockery of prettiness. Madison crouched on the floor beside her bed, taking Elaine’s hand. “Momma?”

  Her eyes fluttered open, and she gave her daughter a bright smile, looking radiant for just a second. “Madi, I’m so glad you made it back before…” She trailed off, a cough replacing her words.

  Tears scalded her eyes, but she blinked them back, determined to be strong for her mother. Madison was so engrossed with her mother that she didn’t even notice Tiernan had slipped away until she looked up several minutes later. A vague sense of panic filled her, but she had no time to indulge in it as she stood up to lay on the bed beside Elaine, hugging the woman who meant so much to her that even Tiernan faded from her thoughts for a time.

  *****

  She didn’t see him again until dinnertime. Her mother had fallen asleep a while ago, but she hadn’t been able to make herself leave until Cam came to tell her, rather gruffly, that dinner was ready. When she entered the kitchen, she saw Tiernan seated in her mother’s spot. There was no sign of his soldiers, so she assumed they were bedding down and eating outside.

  Another visitor waited, and she summoned a small smile for Sergeant Nash. “Hello, Eric.”

  He inclined his head. “It’s good to see you, Miss Cole.”

  That made her grin a bit. “Our secret is out. You can use Madison.”

  To her surprise, Tiernan laughed. She went to his side, taking the seat next to him, across from Rosie. Madison arched a brow as she noticed how close her sister sat to Eric. Had the fascist army won her over? She found herself hoping so fervently, because Rosie needed stability, especially if Elaine passed away.

  Food circulated around the table, and Tiernan helped himself as though he ate plain fare every day, even praising Rosie and Cam for the delicious meal. Madison took a serving of everything, though she did little more than push her food around the plate. Appetite was a missing entity with the thoughts weighing heavily on her mind.

  “I sure appreciate what you’re doing, Tiernan,” said Callum as he took a bite of squash fresh from their garden.

  Madison looked up. “What’s he doing?”

  Callum frowned. “You don’t know?” At the shake of her head, he said, “Tiernan’s sent for his train, and he’s taking your momma back to the hospital in Seattle-Archer, so long as the healer says she can travel that far.”

  Hope stirred in her chest, and she turned to Tiernan, grabbing his hand. “Thank you.”

  He looked embarrassed. “I haven’t done anything, Madison, and it might not make a difference.”

  She swallowed. “I know, but you’re giving her a chance she’d never have otherwise, so thank you…no matter how it turns out.”

  Cam made a low sound and pushed away from the table. “Excuse me.”

  Frowning, she watched her older brother storm from the room and had to resist the urge to chase after him to demand an explanation. Not that she really needed one. He clearly felt betrayed that she had left the family for a new life with Tiernan. Since she couldn’t enlighten him to the truth—and the particulars were far more complex than they had once been—she couldn’t do anything to fix it. Not that anything she said would make much difference. He tended to nurse grudges. That was his personality.

  It was difficult to be so sanguine later in the evening though, when she stepped outside for fresh air to find her brother sitting sullenly in the dark on an empty wine barrel. “Hey,” she said hesitantly. He grunted in return. Annoyance flared. “Just say whatever and get it over with, Cam.”

  He grunted again, before muttering something that she couldn’t discern. It didn’t sound nice, whatever it was.

  “Speak up. You have something to say, so say it.” She crossed her arms, glaring at him even though he probably couldn’t see it from the meager illumination provided by the oil lamp hanging from the hook by the door.

  With a slam of the barrel against the porch rail, he got to his feet and stomped over to stand in front of her. “Fine. I’ll say it. You just run off to be his whore, and then come waltzing back in as if nothing has changed. Well, everything’s changed. You’re a whore with no loyalty or honor and no family of mine.”

  Madison’s hand shot out of its own accord, connecting with his cheek in a hard slap that echoed through the night. “How dare you?”

  He rubbed his cheek, glaring at her. “How dare you? You just ran away, leaving the rest of us to try to keep things going. Momma took on more than she should have, and look how sick she is now. That’s your fault.”

  Her mouth dropped open, and she had to swallow back tears. The accusation rang true, and guilt flooded her. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t had much choice in leaving them. The outcome was evident.

  Before she could agree with him, Tiernan said quietly from behind her, “No, it’s my fault, Cam.”

  Madison stiffened, shamed to think he had overheard the horrible words her brother had thrown at her. She turned away from Cam to face her lover. “Are you ready for bed?” she asked, striving for a normal tone.

  “In a bit.” Mouth tight, he nodded his head toward the house. “Go on in, Madison. Your brother and I have something to discuss.”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  “Madison,” he said quietly in that silkily sharp tone he wielded so effectively. “Please do as I ask. I won’t hurt him.”

  “I might hurt him,” said Cam in a near growl.

  That idea almost made her laugh. Cam was tall, but wiry. He might be quick, but he was no match for Tiernan, who trained several hours per week and had ropy muscles honed from sparring. Deciding she had to trust Tiernan, she nodded. “Good night, Cam,” she said over her shoulder, going into the house reluctantly. She paused just inside the door, out of sight, straining to hear.

  “Go to bed, Madison,” said Tiernan in his tyrant voice.

  With a huff, she strode down the hallway to her room, though she didn’t like it. He was going to hear about her displeasure when he came to join her.

  *****

  The young man was nervous. Tiernan could practically smell it emanating from him in waves, and the false bravado he displayed did nothing to hide his unease. Still, he didn’t run away, which was a credit to his character. A very small credit, after the way Cam had spoken to Madison.

  “I don’t care what you have to say,” said Cam in a hard voice.

  Tiernan lifted a shoulder. “That might be, but you’re still going to listen. Your sister is not a whore. She’s special to me.”

  “Good for you.” He sneered. “She still abandoned us for you.”

  “I can be very persuasive.” He drew back his shoulders. “If your mother really did get worse because of Madison, the blame rests with me. You will treat her with respect and kindness. Act like her brother.”

  “Or what?”

  Tiernan arched a brow. “Or, I can teach y
ou some manners.”

  “You and your army,” said the boy harshly, though there was a quiver of fear underneath.

  He laughed. “I don’t need five soldiers backing me to face one petulant boy. I promised Madison I wouldn’t hurt you, and I don’t want to lie to her. I’m simply requesting you set aside your anger and treat her as you should. You’re lucky to have a sister, so act like it.”

  Cam clearly didn’t like his words, but he eventually nodded. “Yeah, okay. I have no problem blaming you for everything.”

  “That’s fine. I can certainly handle it.” Without another word, Tiernan stepped off the porch to walk to the barn. He knew Madison was expecting him to join her in her room, but he couldn’t do that. It was disrespectful to her parents, and Cam’s cruel words still burned in his ears. He didn’t want anyone to think Madison was just his whore. One night away from her was a price he could pay to allow her to maintain dignity with her family.