Because he’d hoped I would come back…because he would have accepted me back.
“You take care of things on your end?” Hawke asked.
“What?” I asked in confusion as I glanced over my shoulder at him.
“The girl...” he said.
“Daisy,” I supplied. “Yeah, she’s onboard.”
When I’d called Hawke in the early morning hours after I’d made love to Seth, I’d told him I needed him to watch Seth so I could fly to Ohio to recruit a potential new tech guy…well, girl in this case. Daisy Washburne was a twenty-year-old hacker who’d spent the last several years trying to track down the men who’d raped and murdered her mother. And while she’d managed to find the men and use her extensive talents to ruin them financially and personally, they’d sought their own form of vengeance. I’d been lucky enough to come across the notes Benny had collected regarding the chatter between the two men as they’d searched for someone to find Daisy and take her out. I’d managed to stop the hit in time while Hawke had taken care of the men who’d killed Daisy’s mother.
I hadn’t considered offering Daisy a position in the organization because I’d learned my lesson with Mace Calhoun. As wounded and damaged as Daisy was, I didn’t want to exploit her talents for my own gain; not if it meant deepening her wounds instead of healing them. But somehow she’d found me, though I still had no idea how she’d done it and she refused to say. I could only assume she’d found something in the men’s emails that led to the Deep Web where they’d recruited the hit man and subsequently been tagged by Benny’s algorithm.
In any case, I’d gotten an email a few weeks later asking to meet. I’d agreed but more out of curiosity than anything else. But the meeting had quickly turned into a pitch of sorts – as in, she was pitching herself to me. I’d resisted but it wasn’t her surprisingly vast knowledge of me and the group I’d set up to protect people like her that had me relenting. It was the unfettered desperation in her voice, the frantic need for something more than just the closure the deaths of her mother’s murderers had brought her. It was a look I knew all too well. I’d finally told her I’d think about it. I’d spent the last two days researching what Daisy’s life had become after the loss of her mother and her quest for vengeance and when I’d realized I could give her the piece that was missing from her life, I’d gone back to Ohio to offer her the job. I hadn’t held anything back when I’d told her in detail what she was signing up for and I’d watched her carefully for any sign of hesitation. All I’d seen was a fierce determination along with a look of hope so strong, that I’d had no reservations about giving her instructions on how to meet up with Mav so he could show her the ropes.
And not once in all that time had I reached out to Seth. And unlike the last time I’d left him, Seth didn’t contact me.
“I really fucked this up,” I whispered more to myself than to Hawke.
“Yeah,” I heard Hawke say from somewhere behind me.
I hadn’t told Hawke I’d slept with Seth but from the inflection in his voice, I suspected he had already figured it out. “How’d you know?”
“The look on his face when he walked into the kitchen and saw me sitting there instead of you. Revay used to get that look when she found out I was only home for a day or two between missions.”
“He’s never been very good at hiding what he’s feeling,” I mused, my eyes still on the heavy iron gate in front me.
“Maybe,” Hawke said quietly. “Or maybe you’ve just gotten too good at it.”
I glanced over my shoulder at the man behind me. It was on the tip of my tongue to remind Hawke that I’d had a good teacher but I kept silent. He wasn’t saying anything that wasn’t true and just because I felt the need to physically lash out at someone didn’t mean I should. And least of all a man I knew wouldn’t hesitate to knock me on my ass…and was also the closest thing I had to a friend these days.
While I’d undergone basic training as part of joining the army, it was Hawke who’d shown me what fighting for my life really meant. Before Hawke, I could manage to fire a weapon at a target and perform a few self-defense moves, but it wasn’t until after he’d spent the better part of a year showing me the many ways I could take a man’s life, whether it be with a gun, a knife or just my hands, that I’d actually felt some of the power and control that had been stolen me from the night of Trace’s death come back to me. In reality, they were things I’d never really had and now I couldn’t imagine a life without them. Even if I somehow found the courage to pick up a scalpel again, I’d be more inclined to think about how to take a life with it rather than save one.
My thoughts drifted back to Seth and I could actually see his expression as he walked into his kitchen, his body sore but sated. He would have been nervous to see me but he would have been excited too. Even not knowing where we stood, he wouldn’t have been able to keep the emotion out of his gaze as he watched me with hopeful eyes…hopeful that I’d draw him into my arms and tell him how fucking amazing the night before had been. Hopeful that I would have closed my mouth over his and shown him that everything had changed between us.
Everything had changed. Just not in the way Seth wanted. Not in the way I wanted, either.
“You mind checking the perimeter?” I asked as I gave Hawke a quick glance.
He studied me for a long moment but didn’t say anything. He merely brushed past me and reached up to pull himself over the short wall that bordered the front of the property. Bullet took off after Hawke as he began walking towards the side of the house so he could check out the back of the property. I left my car where it was and followed Hawke over the wall. Bullet came running back to give me a cursory greeting and then he was chasing after Hawke again.
I didn’t bother going to the front door when I reached the house since I doubted Seth would answer it. As I walked around the back of the house, I saw Hawke and Bullet disappearing into the tree line to the right of the house.
Once I reached the patio, I passed by the study door but stopped when I saw Seth sitting at his father’s desk. I rapped my knuckles on the door and felt instantly bad when I saw Seth jump in his chair. His eyes fell almost immediately when he recovered but I didn’t miss the message when he turned his attention back to his computer.
“Seth,” I said loudly enough so I was sure he’d hear me. “I’ll break it down.”
I saw Seth’s jaw harden and I hated to admit how it turned me on. As much as I loved when Seth was willing and pliant in my arms, I loved this side of him too. It was a reminder that he wasn’t some innocent, naïve kid. My Seth had a gentle soul but a backbone made of steel.
Fuck. My Seth? He wasn’t my anything.
To my surprise, and my traitorous body’s excitement, Seth ignored me. I didn’t bother with another warning because I was too keyed up as it was. I needed to get us back to where we’d been before I’d made the mistake of touching him. Reaching under my jacket, I pulled one of my Glocks free from the shoulder holster and prepared to knock out the glass panel closest to the deadbolt when the sound of a gunshot ripped through the air. It was off in the distance but close enough to have come from Seth’s property. Concern rushed through me and I grabbed my phone and hit the speed dial for Hawke.
“What was that?” Seth asked as he tore the door open. “Was that a gunshot?”
“Go back inside,” I ordered as Hawke’s voicemail picked up.
“Ronan-”
“Seth, go back inside!” I demanded. “Lock the door and don’t come out until I come back.”
I didn’t wait to see if Seth did as I said because I was already striding across the back yard. Within seconds, I heard footsteps behind me and I was about to turn and order Seth to go back when I saw movement by the tree line. A second later, Hawke cleared the vegetation and as relived as I was to see that he appeared to be unharmed, my stomach fell when I saw what he had in his arms.
“Bullet?” Seth whispered from behind me. “No-” he suddenly cried ou
t and then he was running past me. It was easy to catch up to him before he reached Hawke but I didn’t grab Seth’s arm to pull him away from his dog because I saw Bullet move his head slightly.
“What happened?” I asked Hawke.
Hawke shook his head. “I didn’t see the shooter. The dog heard something and took off. Then he started barking and a second later came the shot. He’s bleeding pretty bad, Ronan,” Hawke said quietly, though with Seth right there, he had to have heard it.
“Give him to me,” I said as I took the dog from him. “Can you move my car from in front of the gate?”
Hawke nodded after giving Seth a quick glance. “I’ll stay here and check things out,” Hawke murmured. “Keys?”
“In it,” I said, though my eyes were on Seth who’d gone deathly quiet and seemed frozen in place. All the color had drained from his face as he stared at his dog who was dead weight in my arms.
“Seth,” I said gently as I tried to get his attention but with my hands full of dog, I couldn’t get him to focus on me. I could feel blood seeping into my shirt so I gave up on niceties and yelled, “Seth!”
Seth jerked at the sound of my voice but he finally looked up at me.
“I need you to go get your keys and start your car, okay? And call your vet to make sure they know we’re coming.” Seth managed to nod but he didn’t move otherwise and his water-filled eyes were back on Bullet. “Baby,” I whispered in the desperate hope of snapping him out of it. The endearment seemed to work because Seth finally seemed to come back to himself.
“Please, Ronan, I can’t lose him too,” Seth managed to croak out as tears slipped down his cheeks.
“You won’t,” I promised, though it was a promise I had no right to make. I could feel Bullet’s labored, shallow breaths against my body and I willed the dog to hang on because like it or not, he really was all Seth had left.
Because I could no longer deny that Seth had lost me. Only it hadn’t been the day I’d walked away from him – it had happened the same night Trace had died. Because I’d died that night too.
Chapter Twelve
Seth
Even though I was numb inside, I couldn’t stem the tears that slipped down my cheeks and kept dripping onto my folded hands. Every once in a while I managed to dab at my face with the wadded up tissue that had been placed between my fingers by someone, but the effort was pointless since the tissue was nearly soaked through. I felt like my brain had already processed that I was going to lose the only important thing I had left in my life, the only living soul that I knew, unlike Ronan, would never choose to leave me. But for whatever reason, my body couldn’t rid itself of the mantle of denial that had settled over it.
It had taken me a long time to find the car keys after Ronan had ordered me to get my car started and by the time I’d found them, Ronan was already rounding the house, a deathly quiet Bullet in his arms. I hadn’t had the courage to ask Ronan if Bullet was still alive but he’d told me anyway with a gentle, “He’s hanging on, Seth.”
Although Bullet had been quiet, he hadn’t been unconscious and he’d spent the entire car ride to the vet’s office licking my arm as I’d cradled his head in my lap. I’d used my other arm to keep Bullet’s body from sliding off the back seat of the car as Ronan took every turn nearly as fast as the straightaways. It wasn’t until Bullet licked me that first time that I’d nearly lost it all together. Because even with all the pain my loyal friend had to have been feeling, he’d still sought to comfort me in the same way he always had.
The vet had been waiting for us when we’d arrived and Bullet had been rushed into surgery. I hadn’t been able to see the actual wound, just the large swath of blood covering his side. My hands had been covered in blood by the time we’d gotten to the clinic but now they were clean again and I had no clue how that had happened. Ronan probably. But for once, I couldn’t bring myself to care or to wonder what it meant. I didn’t even care that he was there. I just wanted my dog to be okay.
“Drink this,” Ronan said as he handed me a small paper cup full of water. I did as I was told because I didn’t have the energy to argue. I felt the tissue in my hand replaced with a dry one but when Ronan settled his hand on my lower arm, I pulled it away. I nearly laughed at the irony – suddenly I was the one who couldn’t stand to be touched.
Ronan didn’t move away from where he was sitting next to me but he didn’t try to touch me after that. Minutes could have been hours for all I knew before the vet came out. I’d known Dr. Anna White for many years, ever since Ronan had given Bullet to me. She’d been one of the few vets who’d been willing to make house calls to give Bullet his yearly exam and shots. I’d explained to Dr. White that Bullet was too afraid of the car to make the trip each year, but I suspected she knew even before I did that it wasn’t Bullet who’d been afraid.
“He’s going to be okay,” Dr. White said even before she’d closed the door to the back room behind her. Ronan and I were the only ones in the office since it was after hours.
I sucked in a breath and felt my body sway in relief. I didn’t even remember standing up. Ronan’s fingers closed around my elbow but I was too unsure of my ability to stay upright to shake him off the way I wanted.
“The bullet damaged his spleen so I had to remove it but he’ll make a full recovery.”
I couldn’t stop the hoarse cry that erupted from my throat and if Dr. White was surprised by the hug I gave her, she was kind enough not to show it.
“Thank you,” I whispered against her shoulder.
“You’re welcome,” she said with a small, gentle pat to my back and then she was pushing me back so that I could focus on her. “I need to keep him here overnight but you can take him home tomorrow. He’ll need to take it easy for a while…”
I nodded. “I…I’m supposed to fly to New York in a couple of weeks. I was going to take him with me. It’s a chartered jet so he wouldn’t be in a crate or anything. But I can cancel…”
The vet shook her head. “That should be fine,” she said. “He’s a strong dog, Seth. He’ll be back to his old self in no time.”
I swallowed hard. “Thank you, Dr. White.”
She nodded and gave me a pat on the arm. “You can come see him in a few minutes.”
As the vet turned to go, Ronan said, “Doctor, were you able to extract the bullet?”
Dr. White gave Ronan a strange look and then glanced at me but I had no idea why Ronan had asked the question.
“Um, no, the wound was a through and through,” the vet said.
“Can you tell what kind of weapon it might have been? The caliber?”
She shook her head. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t really know much about that kind of thing.”
Ronan nodded. “Thank you.”
The vet gave him another confused look and then disappeared through the door leading to the back of the building.
“Why did you ask that?” I asked.
“Just hoping to get a better idea of who hurt Bullet,” Ronan responded as he returned to his seat.
“It was probably a hunter,” I said. “They show up once in a while. My parents posted No Trespassing signs but they ignore them.”
Ronan only nodded and I was too exhausted to pursue the subject. Dr. White returned about a half an hour later and I got to spend several minutes with Bullet who was still heavily sedated.
Ronan drove home and I was too tired to argue with him when he followed me into the house. I assumed Hawke had been the one to pull Ronan’s car into the driveway, but he wasn’t around when we entered the house and I hadn’t seen his car at all.
I hadn’t made any effort to get to know Hawke the morning I found him sitting in my kitchen because I’d been too raw and hurt from discovering that Ronan had walked out on me yet again. I hadn’t cared why Hawke was there or what his relationship with Ronan was. I’d simply asked him to leave and had gone to hide out in my room for the rest of the weekend. It wasn’t until Sunday night as I’d forced myse
lf out of bed so I could ready myself for work the next day that I’d finally conceded that my love for Ronan was slowly destroying me. I knew changing the codes on the door and the gate wouldn’t keep Ronan out but I’d hoped it would send a message.
Clearly, it hadn’t.
“I’m going to go get cleaned up,” I heard Ronan say behind me as he closed the front door and locked it. The sound of the lock engaging pissed me off and I turned to face him. I hesitated at the sight of Bullet’s dried blood on the front of Ronan’s shirt but I shoved my emotions back down where they belonged.
“Do it someplace else,” I said quietly. “You’re no longer welcome here.”
I turned and headed towards the kitchen and wasn’t surprised when I heard heavy footsteps directly behind me.
“Seth,” Ronan said gently as he followed me to the fridge. I was in the process of opening the refrigerator door when he grabbed me and I felt all my fear and anger come rushing over me. I spun around and slammed my hands against Ronan’s chest and was actually glad to see him stumble back.
“Get the fuck out!” I snapped. “I don’t want you here.”
Ronan’s gaze clouded over with a look of shame but then he stiffened. “Once I know you’re safe-”
“Safe?” I yelled. “From what? I was mugged, Ronan. It happens every day. Bullet got shot by a hunter! There’s no conspiracy here; no one’s out to get me!” I sucked in a couple of deep breaths as I tried to get control of myself.
“The only one I need protection from is you,” I finally said tiredly. “I would take this,” – I pointed to the bruises on my face – “every day for the rest of my life over what you did to me three days ago.”
Ronan paled but I was beyond caring. “Just go, Ronan. If there’s any part of you that cares about me even a little bit, please go…and don’t come back this time.”
Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) Page 10
