I nodded. “I want you to come with us to New York the day after tomorrow. I don’t think the threat will follow him there, but I want someone else watching his back besides me.”
“No problem.”
“Thanks,” I muttered as I went up the steps. I had my hand on the door when I turned to face Hawke. “Daisy has a case. The guy’s only about an hour away-”
“I’ll take care of it,” Hawke said instantly. “Just go be with him.”
Relief flooded my system, but I wasn’t sure if it was because Hawke was giving me an out to ending another life or if it was because he knew I needed to be with Seth tonight. I nodded and turned my back to him. “Thank you,” I said softly as I opened the door. I didn’t wait to see if Hawke said anything back.
Once inside, I checked the kitchen for Seth but it was empty. I didn’t bother checking the rest of the lower floor for him because I suspected where he’d gone. I was right when I opened his bedroom door. He was lying in the middle of his bed with Bullet next to him, his big body pressed up against Seth’s front. Seth’s eyes were open, but I wasn’t sure if they were really seeing anything. His hand was buried in Bullet’s fur. Bullet looked at me and thumped his tail but didn’t move from Seth’s side.
Because he knew what Seth needed.
And for once, so did I.
I went around the other side of the bed and toed off my shoes before climbing on the mattress and lying down next to Seth. I shifted my position so my front was pressed to his back.
“I can’t,” Seth whispered. “Please, Ronan…I can’t.”
I knew what he was talking about and shame went through me that he thought that I would take advantage of him while he was this vulnerable.
“I know,” I whispered just before I placed a kiss on the back of his neck. I wrapped my arm around Seth’s waist and shifted forward until there was no space between our bodies.
“I have a confession to make,” I said to Seth.
I felt Seth tense against me. “What is it?”
I remained quiet for a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “I’ve been letting you win at Tetris.”
It took Seth a moment to catch up and then he relaxed in my hold and let out a little laugh. “Liar,” he chuckled.
The insertion of levity seemed to work because Seth reached down to take the hand I had pressed against his stomach and drew it up to his chest. He linked our fingers together and then turned his head to look over his shoulder at me. I leaned down to brush my lips over his but kept the kiss brief.
“I won’t let anyone hurt you,” I whispered. “Ever.”
“I know,” Seth responded, his eyes on mine. He turned his attention back to Bullet but his next words stole my breath. “I love you, Ronan.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Seth
“You okay?”
I managed a shaky nod and tried to unclench my fists where they were bunched in my lap. The jet was in final preparations for take-off, so I knew I hadn’t even gotten through the worst of it yet. The layout of the luxurious plane was such that some of the seats were actually the size of loveseats and they faced the middle of the plane rather than the front of it. I’d chosen one of the benches so Bullet would have more room to lie at my feet. Ronan was sitting across from me on another bench and Hawke was closer to the back of the plane.
I hadn’t had any issue with Ronan’s suggestion that we leave for New York a couple days ahead of schedule. And while I didn’t like the feeling that I was running away from something, I knew I was too close to breaking down completely after what had happened in the parking garage at my building and the second attempt on Bullet’s life.
After Ronan had crawled into bed with me, we hadn’t talked much because my mind and body had started to shut down from the stress. But feeling Ronan’s warmth at my back had helped ease the sense of cold that had settled over me and I’d managed to fall asleep at some point. Ronan was gone by the time I woke up the following morning, but Bullet had still been in bed with me. It had been well after ten in the morning when I’d woken up and found Ronan working on his computer in the kitchen. I’d been torn between the need to leave the house and go to work just to prove to myself that I still could, and spending the rest of the day hiding out in my room like I wanted to. Ronan hadn’t pushed me either way, but it was his whispered words from the night before that had me making a decision.
I won’t let anyone hurt you. Ever.
I had believed Ronan when he said that. So I’d asked him to take me back to the office. I’d been too on edge to actually get any work done, so we’d only stayed for a little while. The hardest part had been going down to the garage to get the rental car. I hated that I’d been forced to seek out Ronan’s hand yet again, but I’d known if I didn’t have him to ground me, I wouldn’t have been able to move forward.
It was over dinner the night before that Ronan suggested we leave for New York the following day. Ronan and I had played video games after dinner, but my heart hadn’t been in it and I’d excused myself early so I could go to bed. A part of me had hoped that Ronan would come to me again like the night before but he hadn’t. I knew it was for the best because despite Ronan’s words that no one would ever hurt me again, I knew he was wrong. Because he was the one hurting me. Every look, every touch was a reminder of what I would be losing when Ronan decided to walk away from me again. I had been wrong about Ronan’s feelings the night we’d made love and I’d confronted him afterwards about his unwillingness to let me comfort him with my touch.
It was in that moment that I’d finally come to accept that I couldn’t fix whatever was broken inside of Ronan. I’d thought by giving him every part of myself that it would be enough, but it wasn’t. It never would be. Ronan had and always would love only one man. A man I couldn’t compete with and didn’t want to.
The jet jerked over some kind of bump on the tarmac and I barely managed to swallow the whimper in my throat. I’d been on planes before, but I’d been so young then that being on them had been more about the excitement of going anywhere other than home. I hadn’t yet understood the concept of mortality or how one simple twist of fate could change everything.
Bullet sat up and put his head on my lap. I managed to unclench one of my hands long enough to drop it on his head, but as the jet began racing down the runway, I felt my panic start to rise. Bullet whined but it was Ronan who got up from his seat and moved across the jet to sit down next to me. I saw the single flight attendant flash him a disapproving look, but I doubted Ronan noticed or even cared. His hand forced mine open so he could link our fingers and then he was drawing my body against his. In one way, it was exactly what I needed. In another way, it was exactly what I didn’t.
My second declaration of love had been ignored just like the first one, but I really hadn’t expected anything different. I’d sensed that I wouldn’t have much more time with Ronan because he had continued to withdraw from me emotionally, even as he physically kept me close. And once several more men had arrived to watch the house, I’d felt like it was the beginning of the end. Because Ronan was only keeping his promise not to let anyone hurt me. He’d never promised me he’d stay with me.
Once the jet was airborne, I straightened so I was no longer pressed against Ronan’s broad chest. I carefully tugged my hand loose and put it back in my lap. Ronan quickly got the message and got up to go talk to Hawke. I kept myself busy by massaging Bullet’s ears but when he finally dropped back down to the floor of the plane, I had nothing to do but get lost in my own thoughts.
And I’d been doing way too much of that lately.
* * *
If I thought Seattle was bad in terms of congestion, New York was an absolute nightmare. Even being in the relative safety and quiet of the limo Stan had rented to pick us up from the airport, I felt like I was going to throw up at the sight of all the cars, bikes and people. The drive from LaGuardia to the posh hotel in Manhattan took a while because of the midday tra
ffic. Bullet was between me and Ronan on the back seat and Hawke was sitting on the opposite side. Not a word was spoken, but the way both men kept scanning our surroundings had me on edge. Not to mention the sight of their guns sitting in their holsters.
I had no clue who might be after me or why. The mugging had scared me, so had Bullet getting shot. But I’d accepted them as terrible, but random, events. Knowing that someone wanted to hurt me was nearly crippling. Because it took me right back to the night of the home invasion that had killed my parents. And I felt as helpless now as I had then.
When the limo pulled to a stop in front of the hotel, Hawke got out first, then Ronan. I waited until Ronan told me it was okay and grabbed ahold of Bullet’s leash and led him from the car. To my surprise, Ronan took my free hand in his. It both thrilled and irritated me because every time I felt like I had him figured out, he did something that just confused me further.
Once we were checked in and settled in the room, I escaped to the bedroom. I’d ended up booking an actual suite in the hotel so both Ronan and Hawke had their own rooms. Hawke left almost as soon as we arrived in the room. Other than our talk on the beach a couple of weeks ago after I’d made Ronan leave my house, I hadn’t spoken much to Hawke. But I’d realized my first impression of him had been both right and wrong. I knew he was hard and unyielding, but he’d shown his compassionate side as well, especially when he’d been reassuring me that Bullet hadn’t eaten any of the poisoned meat. I also knew that Bullet was a great judge of character and the fact that he spent nearly as much time with Hawke as he did with Ronan meant that for all his darkness, Hawke was a guy you wanted at your back.
A knock on the sliding French doors that closed the master bedroom off from the rest of the suite had me closing my eyes tiredly. “Come in.”
I’d slept surprisingly well the past few nights despite everything that had happened, but I still felt worn out. I was worried what that would mean for my meeting on Tuesday. I needed to be at the top of my game, but the lack of control over what was happening to me just made me feel like a little kid.
Ronan slid the doors open and came around to face me where I was sitting on the bed. “How are you holding up?”
I managed a slight nod but it felt like a lie. My eyes were downcast so I didn’t notice Ronan’s hand until his fingers settled under my chin and tipped it up. “How are you holding up?” he asked again.
God, why could I hide nothing from this man?
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“How about we go someplace nice for dinner?”
Shaking my head, I said, “I’m not really hungry.”
“You need to eat, Seth.”
I pulled free of Ronan’s hold but didn’t say anything.
“Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll check on you in a little while?” Ronan gave Bullet, who was lying at my feet, a quick pat and then turned to leave.
I knew it wasn’t the time, but there was so much emotion churning in my belly that I just wanted some of the uncertainty to be over. “What are we doing, Ronan?” I said quietly. I was glad when Ronan didn’t ask what I meant. Instead, he turned to face me. But he didn’t answer me.
Frustration welled inside of me. “I can’t do it anymore,” I whispered. “I can’t pretend that what we have is enough.”
“What do you want, Seth?”
I let out a harsh laugh at that. The fact that he had to ask me that question was answer enough and I climbed to my feet. “I want what you had with him,” I admitted brokenly. “No more, no less. I want all of you…I deserve it.”
Ronan dropped his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. His silence was telling and I realized I’d had enough. I moved to the bathroom but stopped in the doorway. “After this is over, I need you to let me go.”
I didn’t wait to see what Ronan’s response would be because I knew there wouldn’t be one. He would fight to save my life, but he wouldn’t fight for us.
And I didn’t have the strength to fight by myself anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Ronan
The room Seth had booked was huge, but still felt too small to me. Of course, it hadn’t felt that way until after Seth’s heartbreaking words.
I want what you had with him. I want all of you.
The only problem with that was that Seth didn’t know all of me. If he did, he wouldn’t just be begging me to let him go, he’d be running from me as far as he could get.
I leaned the chair I’d snagged from the dining room back so the top of it was pressed against the wall behind me. I’d been out on the balcony for several hours now as I waited to see if Seth would make an appearance, but he hadn’t. After he’d disappeared into his bathroom the night before, I’d hoped that if I gave him some time, he’d come out and I could find a way to try to put us back to where we’d been before I’d fucked everything up. At least when we’d been friends, Seth had smiled. He’d laughed and joked. And he’d reminded me so much of the younger version of himself, that I’d felt a little less guilty for leaving him three years ago. But the only time I’d seen Seth was when he let Bullet out of the room so I or Hawke could take the dog outside, or to get the breakfast I’d ordered for him this morning and left outside his room.
“Ronan?”
“Out here,” I called to Hawke as I heard the front door open. I rocked the chair into an upright position and got up to go back inside. I was tempted to search out the alcohol that I knew would be in the mini bar, but I needed to be one hundred percent sober so I could be on alert for any danger that might come Seth’s way. As much as I believed the threat was isolated to home, I wasn’t going to risk Seth’s life for anything. Not even the need to drown myself in my own pity party.
I met Hawke in the seating area of the main room and was surprised to see he actually looked agitated. In all the years I’d known him, he’d always been in complete control of himself. “What is it?” I asked.
“Daisy, she found something.”
I automatically reached for my phone. “What did she find? She didn’t contact me.”
“Not about Seth. About Revay.”
I stilled and then put my phone down on a side table. “She found them,” I said quietly, unable to hide my surprise.
Hawke’s wife’s murder had remained unsolved for years, so one of the things I’d tasked Benny with from day one was trying to find ways to use the limited evidence the police had recovered in the murder to find the men who’d killed the young woman. I had no doubt that Mav had shared the information with Daisy in the hopes that she could find something new. As much as I’d wanted Hawke to get the break he deserved, I hadn’t actually expected it to happen.
“What did she find?”
“A DNA match and a name. In California.”
I nodded as I understood Hawke’s urgency. “Go,” I said. “Find them. And if you need anything…”
“I know,” was all Hawke said. “But I need to know you and Seth are covered.”
“I’ll get someone out here by tonight. We’re good…go.”
Hawke hesitated and then he was stepping back towards the front door. “I already found someone,” he said and then he opened the door. My stomach dropped out at the sight of a man I never expected to see again.
Mace Calhoun.
The very man I’d thought I’d been helping when I recruited him after the brutal rape and murder of his seven-year-old son. The man Benny had used to try to take out Jonas Davenport in exchange for a quarter of a million-dollar payout.
As Mace moved into the room, Hawke gave me a questioning look and I sent him a quick nod. His relief was palpable and I realized how much I truly owed this man. He’d saved me in so many ways even while he’d been suffering through his own personal hell.
Hawke went to his bedroom, presumably to get his stuff together, leaving me and Mace alone. I hadn’t seen Mace for several months – not since he’d asked me to keep an eye on Jonas and his other lover, Cole, while he
went to bring Cole’s father to Chicago where Cole had been shot while protecting Jonas from one of the men who’d put a contract out on him.
“You mind?” Mace asked as he motioned to one of the two plush white couches across from one another. I heard Bullet whining excitedly behind the sliding doors leading to Seth’s room, but before I could go over to them and ask Seth if the dog could come out, Seth slid them open and Bullet darted through them. His eyes fell on Mace who was in the process of being checked out by Bullet, but if Seth was at all curious about the other man’s presence, he didn’t show it. His eyes met mine only briefly before he closed the doors again, shutting himself away from us…from me.
I went back to the seating area and dropped down on the couch across from Mace. Bullet had completed his exploration of the heavily tattooed man and came to plop his head on my lap. I let my fingers roam over his head as I studied Mace.
Mace was a larger guy like me, but that was about the extent of our similarities. His arms were covered from wrist to shoulder in tattoos and I’d seen enough of him during training exercises to know they continued along his chest and back. His dark blond hair was on the long side. The ex-cop had been one of my best men and had often worked cases involving crimes against children. I’d thought the jobs would cleanse his soul, but after Jonas accused me of using Mace’s grief over the loss of his son against him, I’d begun to wonder if I’d just fed the darkness inside of him. The way I was just now coming to realize I’d fed my own.
“How are Cole and Jonas?” I asked.
“Good,” Mace responded, his dark eyes studying mine intently. I felt like he was trying to get a read on me. We were both momentarily distracted when Hawke came out of his room, bag in hand. He gave me a quick nod and when Bullet ran up to greet him, he gave the dog an affectionate pat before leaving the room. I shifted my attention back to Mace and did my best not to show my discomfort at his presence.
Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) Page 18
