by Zoë Marshall
Sutton grabbed her phone and began a text.
I just wanted to see how you’re doing. Are you feeling better? I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship. And I miss it.
Sutton shook her head and deleted the text without sending it. Things weren’t the same between her and Cole anymore. She needed to accept that and move on. People grew apart. Things changed. Life went on … even without your best friend.
Sutton placed the phone on her bed and closed her laptop. She was in no mood to be writing. She needed a break. Perhaps she would take a walk around campus to clear her head.
Sutton stood up and threw on some acceptable outside-world clothes. She grabbed her purse and headed out. Time to find some inspiration.
COLE AWOKE TO Claire sitting on the edge of the bed holding his hand. All he had been doing the last couple of days was sleeping. He had come in and out of his daze to see that Claire had brought him his homework and some of his favorite snacks. He knew he was incredibly lucky, but why did it feel like something was missing?
“Hey, sleepy head. How are you feeling?”
“Much better. Thank you.”
“Good. I’ve been worried,” Claire replied. And it was clear she was, with the giant bags forming under her eyes.
“No need.”
“Can’t help it.”
And it appeared Claire couldn’t help it. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days.
“What day is it?”
“Aw, honey … it’s Thursday. I thought maybe we could go walk around a bit today … maybe get you used to those crutches.”
It was probably a good idea. Cole hadn’t left the dorm since he’d been released from the hospital. He was beginning to develop a serious cabin fever situation. “Okay, I think I can manage that.”
Claire looked relieved. “I don’t have class for another couple of hours, so we have some time. Maybe we can go to the dining hall? Get you some food?”
Food didn’t sound particularly appetizing to Cole, but Claire was being so sweet. He didn’t want to disappoint her. She appeared to love playing nurse, and she was good at it. So, he let her help him sit up and hand him his crutches.
Cole struggled, but finally got them situated below his arms. His knee ached, but he wanted to appear strong, so he ignored the throbbing pain. Claire helped him out of the room and down to the quad. He was glad to be outside. He’d almost forgotten what sunshine was like. It was brighter than he remembered.
As they hobbled to the dining hall, Claire brought them to a stop. “Do you need to rest?”
Cole was beginning to feel mildly smothered. He loved having Claire around. He loved that she was being so supportive, but something about it felt off to him.
“No, I’m fine.” Cole snapped.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s just … I don’t know.”
“Here, let’s sit down.” Claire led Cole over to a bench and they sat down.
“Okay, we’re sitting.”
“Yes … we are. What’s going on, Cole?” Claire asked, with a shaking voice.
“I don’t know, Claire. This whole situation…. It’s a lot.”
“I know. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you.”
“No, you can’t,” Cole said flatly.
“I’m trying.” Claire’s voice was soft and desperate, and her eyes were pleading.
“Look, I’m sorry. I know I’m kind of being an asshole. Just try to understand what I’m going through. Football was everything to me.” Cole couldn’t help but think how he wouldn’t even need to explain it to Sutton. She would just know.
Claire was speechless. Cole saw tears forming in her doll-like eyes and his heart ached.
“I’m just really tired,” Cole continued, not wanting to cause any more damage than he already had. “And I’m not really hungry,” he added.
“Okay, I understand. We’ll get you back to your room.” Claire held her hand out.
“I can get back on my own. But thank you.”
Claire was very clearly devastated. She held back the tears and nodded her head as Cole didn’t take her hand in return.
“Okay, sweetie. Get some rest. Text me later?”
Cole kissed Claire on the cheek. “Okay. I will.” He stood up, grabbed his crutches and hobbled back toward his dorm. He didn’t turn back, because he didn’t want to see her face. He knew it was sure to break his heart.
He didn’t know what was happening. It must be the drugs. Plus, his football career was either over, or had at least taken a severe turn for the worse. He didn’t know who he’d be without football. The thought made him feel shallow, but it seemed to be all he knew. Maybe he was shallow. Or maybe … maybe Claire just wasn’t the one for him.
“TELL ME SOMETHING real,” Jesse said, while massaging Sutton’s shoulders in her room.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I want to know more about you.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Anything.”
“Okay … well, I had several nannies growing up. They used to bring me whatever I wanted from Starbucks every morning.” It was the kind of thing Sutton never talked about because it embarrassed her. She also knew Jesse was fairly poor growing up, so she avoided most money-related topics with him.
“Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn’t grown up with so much money?
It was an honest enough question, but it still bothered Sutton for some reason. “Sometimes.”
“I feel like I would be such an incredibly different person if I had grown up surrounded with that.”
“I can’t imagine who I’d be, but I don’t think having access to money really changed who I am. I’ve never gotten too wrapped up in it,” Sutton said.
“Yeah, I’m not saying you have. But money does change people.”
Sutton always got defensive when someone brought up her wealthy status. She never identified with that part of her, so it felt unfair. She had always been ashamed of it. All she had ever wanted was to be like everyone else. She didn’t feel special because her family was wealthy. Quite the opposite, actually. It was a sore subject and Sutton was regretting bringing it up.
“Yeah, I suppose it can. But I just don’t really think of myself as that,” Sutton said, pulling away from Jesse’s massage.
“As what?”
“As rich. As different, better than. I’m no different than anyone else,” Sutton replied, her voice rising.
“That’s debatable.”
Sutton turned to face Jesse. “How do you figure?”
“You have an obscene amount of money. That makes you inherently different than everyone else.”
Sutton was offended. Jesse barely knew her. Who was he to judge her? “I don’t have any money, actually. My parents cut me off as soon as I made the decision to come to college here.”
“Why?”
“My father wanted me to go to Harvard and become a lawyer, like he did.”
“And that wasn’t what you had in mind for yourself?”
“No. I wanted to do what I loved. And writing is what I love. They didn’t approve, so I’m on my own. I’ve never exploited my family’s wealth, and I’m not planning on ever doing that.”
“I’m sorry, I appear to have upset you,” Jesse said, genuinely.
“Yeah, well … I just don’t like when people make assumptions about me.”
“I’m sorry, Sutton. I didn’t mean to make this a whole thing. I just want to know you, to fully understand you.”
“Well, maybe you won’t like what you find.”
“I can’t imagine anything I could learn about you that I wouldn’t find incredibly endearing,” Jesse replied.
“You find the fact that my nannies raised me more than my parents did endearing?”
“No, I mean … that’s not what I meant.” Jesse’s eyes were pained.
“So, what did you mean?” Sutton realized she was
starting to sound somewhat irrational, but it was her woman-ish right to be that way sometimes, right?
“I just—” Jesse stammered, feeling suddenly cornered. He knew there wasn’t really a right thing to say. “I just—think you’re a great girl.”
Sutton was silent as she tried to piece together what she was feeling. Jesse was good for her. He treated her well. Sure, she didn’t necessarily trust him yet, but that was because she didn’t know how to trust anyone anymore. She was damaged in a way she couldn’t even understand. She knew she was giving Aiden far too much power. She was letting him control her life completely and she was sick of it. She just didn’t know how to let it go.
Maybe a part of her didn’t want to. Aiden had made her feel loved in a way she never had before. He’d made her feel special, like she was the only thing that mattered when they were together. Having that ripped away from her, having to realize none of it had ever been real … it had taken a toll. And Sutton was still paying that toll, every single day.
Now she had this great guy sitting next to her and she was terrified. He was inches away but it might as well have been the Great Wall of China separating them.
Sutton was nauseous as she thought about the damage Aiden had done. She found herself wishing she were an angry person. Being angry had to be easier than being sad. But, more than anything, she wished she could be indifferent.
But that wasn’t the kind of person she was either. Sutton was a feeler. She valued connections. She relied on those connections. So, when one was severed, she felt incredibly lost. She wanted nothing more than to connect to the wonderful guy sitting right next to her, but she didn’t know how.
“Are you okay?” Jesse asked, after several minutes of silence.
“Yeah … I’m fine. I just don’t feel that well.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“I think I just need to get some rest,” Sutton replied, anxious for Jesse to leave her room, though she wasn’t really sure why.
“Okay, beautiful. Let’s get you into bed. You should relax and read a book or something.”
Why was Jesse being so understanding? He must really care about Sutton. That much was clear.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” Sutton said, then leaned in and kissed Jesse, pulling away quickly.
“Good night, Sutton.”
Jesse left and Sutton began pacing around her room. She needed to figure out a way to fix this. She wanted to know what was going on in Aiden’s head. Did he ever think about her? Did she ever cross his mind, even for a second? Was he really so cold and calculated to have never cared about her at all?
Sutton sat on her bed and drank some water from her bedside table. She was debating whether or not she needed to go to the bathroom and throw up, but she decided the feeling would pass. Her head was spinning and she was sweating. She felt inside out. She hadn’t thought about Aiden for a while now. So, where was this coming from? Was she that scared of committing to another guy?
She knew Aiden had kind of messed her up, but she had never thought the damage would be permanent. Sutton wiped a frustrated tear from her eye and sat down on her bed, terrified of what tomorrow would bring.
SUTTON AWOKE SUDDENLY, her face covered in sweat. She had had the dream again, the one where things were simple again, the one where she was back in high school, with Aiden by her side. She had had the dream several times over the last couple of months:
The two of them were hanging out in the park on a particularly sunny day. They were talking about something which most likely wasn’t important, but that part of the dream wasn’t clear. Suddenly, a girl walked up to them and smiled. “Hi, Aiden,” she said, innocently.
“Hi,” Aiden replied. “How was math class?”
“As boring as ever.”
Aiden and the mystery girl continued talking, acting as if Sutton wasn’t sitting directly beside them. Sutton tried to chime in every once in a while, but it was as if her meek voice wasn’t even escaping her body. She felt frozen, time suspended, in some kind of alternate universe. It was the moment she realized she had lost him. And who the girl was didn’t matter. Sutton didn’t recognize her at all, but it was what she represented that stung.
The two of them held hands and walked away, leaving Sutton sitting alone, tears forming in her eyes. Her heart ached. She knew, in that moment, that she would probably never see Aiden again. He had slipped from her grasp like quicksand. She knew it was one of those moments that changes who you are forever. It had been the ultimate rejection and all she wanted to know was what she had done wrong, if anything at all.
Suddenly, Aiden appeared next to her again, this time without mystery girl. He placed his hand on hers and said the two simple words that shattered everything she thought she knew: “It’s over.”
Sutton wiped the tears from her eyes as she sat up. She had only slept for a few hours and it wasn’t even real sleep. It was merely a constant slipping in and out of a nightmare she was seemingly unable to escape. And she wasn’t able to escape it, not in her dreams and not in real life. All she wanted was to shake the grasp Aiden had over her. She knew she would never move on as long as she was holding on to him, but his ghost remained.
Sutton attempted to shake the dream as she changed into gym clothes. She figured some exercise was just what she needed, and she had a couple of hours before class. She had only been to the gym a handful of times. She usually preferred to run outside, but today she wanted to utilize some weights. She had always been rather scrawny, but that was mostly due to lack of trying. A strictly cardio routine would do that.
When Sutton arrived at the gym, she was pleased to see it wasn’t very crowded. She headed to the weight room and put her headphones on and started her newest cardio playlist.
Three miles later, the fog was finally beginning to clear from Sutton’s head.
COLE WAS BEGINNING to feel a bit better, at least physically. He felt awful about how he had treated Claire, though. He needed to make it up to her. What was he afraid of? He felt like something was standing between them. Something was blocking his way to her, but he had no idea what it was. Was it the ghost of failed relationships past? Was it Sutton’s ghost? Perhaps it wasn’t a ghost at all.
Maybe Claire just wasn’t the right one.
Cole realized he needed to give her a chance. A real chance.
Cole picked up his phone and stared at it, debating whether or not to text her. Not Claire, but Sutton. This had gone on long enough. He wanted his friend back. Sutton had been there for him for over four years. She had been there for every low, every high. And he had done the same for her. That had to mean they would survive this weird separation … right?
Cole typed a message to Sutton:
Can you talk later?
It was simple and direct. Surely she’d at least agree to a conversation.
Ten minutes of staring at his phone later, he began to ask himself the questions he hadn’t yet been able to answer: What had happened between them? Why had she pulled away? Was he actually the one who had pulled away? What was going to happen now? Could he mend this?
Cole shook his head emphatically and tossed his phone on the floor by his bed. A minute or so later, he heard his text notification. He scrambled to pick it up as fast as he could. He sighed as he read the text:
Hey babe. Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing today. Xoxo.
It was Claire. It was his girlfriend, and he had been disappointed when he read the text. There was most certainly something wrong with that. He decided not to respond yet, and placed the phone on his bedside table next to the many empty bags of chips he had collected over the last couple of days. He would respond eventually. But for now he needed to sit.
He needed to sort this all out.
SUTTON RETURNED TO her room after the gym and immediately took a shower and changed into her comfiest sweats and t-shirt. She still had mountains of homework to do and she couldn’t really avoid it anymore.
&nbs
p; Sutton sat down at the desk and opened her laptop. Then she heard her phone vibrate in her purse on the floor. She picked it up and saw a text from Cole:
Can you talk later?
Sutton’s heart sank a bit. She wasn’t sure she was ready to talk to Cole. She still really had no idea why they had stopped talking in the first place. Maybe it was simply because they had realized they didn’t know each other as well as they thought they did. But over a few bad dates? It seemed like a silly reason to freeze a friendship.
But maybe it was more. Maybe the distance had come between them … and maybe that was to be expected.
Sutton had thought their friendship would survive any distance, but so far that didn’t appear to be true. She decided not to respond, at least not until she figured out what to say. So she returned to her short story.
The distraction of a fantasy world of her creation was just what she needed.
SUTTON WAS ATTEMPTING to pack light, but she was going to be home for a few weeks and didn’t want to forget any necessary items, so her attempts were futile. She was nervous to see Cole again. They hadn’t really talked for a while. He didn’t even know about her whirlwind relationship with Jesse.
She wondered what it was going to be like. Would it be like no time had passed at all? Like they never stopped talking in the first place?
Sutton pulled up to the mansion and sat in the car, trying to prepare for seeing her parents again. She had only talked to them a handful of times while she was at school, and they seemed as disappointed as ever. She was actually mildly excited to see her brother. She saw him so rarely when she lived at home that it was almost as if he didn’t exist. Her parents rarely even mentioned him to her. Sutton and Grant had never been never close, but the distance had made Sutton miss him a bit. He was her little brother, after all.
