I sound like a pussy right now. Fuck it. I take another shot. Enjoying the burn as it slides down my throat.
“Do you think going home to her drunk is going to help the situation?” Reid cautions.
“I can sleep it off here. Trust me. She won’t even care if I’m not there, brother. She has her sister and Sofia.”
I hear him sigh beside me. “Logan, maybe she just needs some time. Someone tortured her, mentally and physically. My guess is that she’s feeling lost, damaged, and possibly even unattractive. It’s not easy dealing with scars, of any kind. It’s taken me a long time to accept that my body is different. I still feel the need to hide it. In a way, I understand what she is going through.”
Fuck. He’s right. I drag my hand down my face. I’ve watched him struggle since the accident. Not only with losing his brother but his leg as well. He hides it well, always wearing jeans. He may understand where she’s coming from but I’m fighting the battle too. How the fuck can I be there for her when she won’t let me in? How can I help her to get better if all she wants to do is ignore the situation all together? I love her, but it’s hard to fight demons you can’t physically see. I can beat the hell out of anyone any day. Hell, even pull the fuckin’ trigger if I had to for her, but the ghosts...
“I don’t see her any different than I did before. She is still the same beautiful woman I love,” I say, frustration laced on every word... but it’s the truth. What I see hasn’t changed one bit.
“She doesn’t feel beautiful, and she’s not going to ever be the same, on the inside. Until she does, all you can do is wait. Be there for her when she does let you in.” Reid finishes, as he motions to Blake for another beer.
Releasing a breath, I raise my head, looking at my reflection in the mirror that hangs on the wall behind the bar. She doesn’t deserve to see me like this.
I clasp my hand on the back of Reid’s neck. “Thanks, brother. It felt good to talk with someone. I’m gonna head to the kitchen, make some coffee. I don’t want to go home shit-faced.”
“I’ll join you. I’m not feeling the party atmosphere tonight.” He mumbles.
It’s around midnight once I make it home. Reid and I bullshitted for a couple hours. Reliving some good times and sharing memories from our childhoods.
I’m too beat to shower, so I strip out of my clothes and climb into bed. Bella tenses for a moment as I pull her into me. The smell of her vanilla lotion soothes me, the touch of her skin as I wrap my arms around her quiets the noise in my head.
“I love you, Angel.” I quietly whisper in her ear.
“I love you,” she says in a sleepy voice, almost too low to hear.
I’m riding out to the lake today, to try and clear my head. The conversation I had with Reid last night is on a continuous loop and I’m finding it hard to concentrate on anything else.
I can’t get my mind to focus on anything but Bella, and the distance she’s putting between us, so I told her that I had club shit to deal with. I shouldn’t lie, but I need some breathing room and space to think.
She’s still having nightmares at least once a week, but refuses to talk to me about them. To top it off, she is still hiding her body from me.
“Fuck,” I yell into the wind while driving down the road.
Riding down the dirt road that leads to the lake my mom and aunt are buried, I notice a blacked-out SUV parked a few yards ahead. I roll to a stop and the driver’s door opens and out steps Victor, my Dad’s driver and right-hand man.
I kill my bike’s engine and put the kickstand down. “Victor. Is my dad in there?” I point to the vehicle.
“No. He is over there,” he says in a thick Russian accent, pointing to his right.
When I scan over in the direction Victor is pointing, I see my father knelt directly in front of my mom’s headstone. His palm splayed over the top, looking more like he’s using it to keep himself upright than anything.
Letting out a ragged breath, I make my way to him. As I get closer I notice the subtle shake of his shoulders, showing he’s having a moment. I hang back, letting the man collect himself.
Taking a deep breath and letting it back out he speaks without turning around. “I heard the rumble of your bike as you pulled up, son. I apologize for my current state, I could no longer stay away. I had to come pay my respects to the only woman I have ever loved.”
Walking up behind him, I place my right hand on his left shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. Letting him know that I understand. That I’m here for him. My gesture, though unspoken, is loud and clear. His shoulders slump and he hangs his head.
“Thank you, son.”
Standing a few seconds later, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a gold coin, placing it on top of the headstone. I’ve heard about customs like this. Where people leave coins on the graves of loved ones. Greek mythology. It’s a toll of some sorts, also a sign of respect.
Turning towards me, my father appraises me. “You look tired, Logan. Is everything okay?” He questions.
Shit. I wasn’t aware I looked how I felt on the inside. I run my hand through my hair and rub the back of my neck, my muscles tight with tension.
“I’m good, Dad. Nothing to worry about.” I try to assure him.
“How is your woman, Bella? I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I didn’t want to overstep my welcome by prying into your personal life. Is she adjusting well at home?”
We start walking towards the waterfront, stopping to take a seat on an old tree log. I contemplate sharing anything. “She could be doing better. The nightmares are getting fewer though,” I divulge.
“And you? How are you doing?”
I let out a long sigh before giving him a clipped, short answer, “Tired.”
“Yes. She is worth it though. Am I right?” My dad asks.
As exhausted as I am mentally over the whole situation, I can honestly say that my woman is worth it. I’m just hoping one day she will see her worth too. I plan on showing her unconditionally every day that she is loved. I won’t give up on her. Even if she wants to give up on herself, “Yes, she’s worth it.”
“You’re both strong. Give her your strength when she needs it and she will return it sevenfold. Women are much stronger than we could ever be. She will rise. Give her time.”
Time.
We both continue staring out over the clear waters that mirror the blue sky above, without speaking another word.
Both searching for answers. Both seeking comfort in the silence and solitude.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Bella
2 Months Later
It’s been two months since Logan carried me out of that basement. I feel like I’m walking through life like a zombie. Adjusting hasn’t been easy. Some people look at me with pity, while others treat me as if nothing happened. I don’t know which is worse. Many things have changed since coming home from the hospital. As for Logan and me, we’ve been stuck in some sort of limbo.
The nightmares are few and far between. My stitches came out. The scars, although large, have started to lose a bit of the red angry appearance. Logan has been nothing but patient with me, even though I still haven’t shown him my scars yet. Sometimes I let the guilt eat at me. We’ve hardly touched each other in these past months. I know he has needs. There have been nights where he’s called, saying he’s working late, and I’ll wonder if he’s really working or if he’s hooking up with one of the club girls. I feel self-conscious all the time, and I let negative thoughts take over. Deep down, I know he wouldn’t cheat on me.
“You okay?” Sofia asks, plopping down on the couch beside me. “Yeah, I’m fine. Had my head in the clouds is all.” I insist.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I wave a submissive hand at her, “There really isn’t anything to talk about.”
I don’t feel like talking to anyone, I haven’t even been talking to my sister about my struggles with my body image.
“I know I’m just a kid, but
you can talk to me. I see things, I know you’re having a tough time.”
I lean over, squeezing her hand. “I’m fine, really, you don’t need to worry about me.” I plaster a fake smile on my face to hopefully avoid any further discussion.
Turning her body to face me she continues, “Well, can I ask you a question?”
“Yes, of course. You can ask me anything.”
After a few beats, she begins, “Do you think one day a man will want to date me, to be with me? I mean once they find out what happened, will they think I’m ugly or damaged?”
Though Sofia hasn’t talked about it yet, I know she was raped, multiple times. Dr. Evans confirmed it in the hospital. My heart aches that she even thinks those things about herself.
“Sofia, a good man—the right man—will see you as nothing but the beautiful, amazing girl you are. What happened to you will not change that.” I say with certainty.
With a stern and serious look, she regards me. “If you’re so certain of that for me, then why can’t you believe those things about yourself?”
I go to open my mouth, but I have nothing to say. She’s right. I wear my scars on the outside, Sofia wears hers on the inside. Scars are scars, regardless if they are visible or not.
She stands up and heads upstairs, leaving me speechless.
That sneaky, smart girl. I shouldn’t be surprised. Sofia is slowly opening up to us. A few weeks after coming home from the hospital, Logan and I took Dr. Evans’ advice about getting her a therapist. She has sessions with Dr. Kendrick twice a week now. I’m amazed at Sofia’s progress. Logan and my sister have expressed on several occasions they’d like for me to schedule an appointment. Given the positive change I’ve seen in Sofia, maybe I should consider it. Maybe it’s time I dealt with everything I’ve been avoiding.
Deciding I can’t sit around and do nothing any longer, I grab my phone and shoot Lisa a text. I want to plan a graduation party for Alba. This is the distraction I need. I don’t even wait for her reply before I’m walking over to the kitchen counter in search of my car keys. If I know Lisa, she’ll be game. That woman lives for anything that involves cooking or parties. I’m also hoping to talk to Jake about going back to work.
“Sofia,” I shout up the stairs. “I’m heading over to the clubhouse, want to come?”
Peeking her head from around the corner she says, “Yeah, let me grab my bag.”
Sofia doesn’t go anywhere without her messenger bag Alba gave her, along with several books and a Kindle. Leave it to my sister to get her addicted to reading. Alba loves that she now has a book buddy.
I smile as she sprints down the stairs in a white baby doll dress, bronze gladiator sandals, and her bag slung over her shoulders. Logan has spared no expense when it came to getting Sofia anything she needs.
“I’m ready,” she huffs out breathlessly, once she makes it down the stairs.
“You didn’t have to rush, I would have waited for you.” I chuckle.
Returning my smile, she asks, “You think Alba will be there?”
Looking down at my watch I reply, “She’ll probably get there about the same time we do if we leave now. Let me send a quick text to Logan telling him to bring her to the clubhouse instead of home.”
This is her last week of school, followed by graduation in two weeks. Sofia has expressed how excited she is to get back to school. She’s missed most of this past year and will be a grade behind the other kids her age, but it doesn’t seem to bother her, she’s only focused on a fresh start.
We arrive at the clubhouse the same time Gabriel pulls up with my sister. Stepping out of my car, I walk over to where he’s parked.
“Hey, I thought Logan was picking Alba up today,” I question.
He leans against his bike, smoking a cigarette.
“Had some club business to take care of, asked me to pick her up,” he offers.
“Yeah, sure,” I mumble turning to walk away.
“Bella.” Gabriel stops me.
I come to a halt, refusing to look at him. I know I’m letting my insecurities show. It’s not like me to be this way, but lately, I can’t help it. I’m always worried that I’m not enough, that I’m not what Logan wants anymore. I drive myself crazy with all the thoughts that run through my head at times.
“You’ve got nothin’ to worry about with Logan.”
Turning my head slightly, I cut my eyes at Gabriel, giving him a nod.
When I step inside the clubhouse, I smile when I see Quinn sitting at the bar. “Hey, darlin’, come over here and have a drink with me,” he drawls.
Taking a seat next to him, he taps the counter getting Liz’s attention. “Get Bella something to drink,” he clips. Losing the sweet tone, he had with me moments ago.
Liz has been on thin ice with the club ever since we found out she was feeding information back to Cassie. She insisted she didn’t know what Cassie was up to, and the boys decided on giving her a second chance. Either way, I don’t trust the bitch.
Bringing his attention back to me, Quinn asks, “What brings you here today?”
“I’m going nuts, sitting around the house all day, so I came to talk to talk to Lisa about a graduation party for Alba. And to also talk to Jake about going back to work.”
“Really? You talk with Logan about that?”
“No, Quinn, I didn’t. I wasn’t aware I needed his permission.” I deadpan, crossing my arms.
“Hey, I’m on your side, sweetheart. Without you there I’m forced to eat day old pizza and shit. I’m literally starving, Bella. What I wouldn’t give for some of your fried chicken.” He says with his head tilted back and a dreamy look on his face.
Poking him in his rock-hard stomach, I laugh, “Yeah, you look like you’re wasting away Quinn.”
“Let me go talk to Jake. Hopefully, I’ll be back to filling your belly soon,” I jest.
I really do miss working. I can’t stand sitting around the house all day. I need to be busy doing something. I’ve always been busy either taking care of someone or working. I need to get back to work. Hopefully, that will be soon.
Rewarding me with his signature smile, Quinn says, “Looking forward to it, darlin’.”
Walking to Jake’s office I see his door is open, and he’s sitting at his desk.
“Hey, Jake.” I greet, tapping on the door.
“Bella? What you are doing here. Everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. I wanted to come talk to you about coming back to work.” I say, taking a seat.
“Work? You think you’re ready for that?”
“It’s been two months, Jake. Seriously, you guys have got to quit treating me with kid gloves all the time. I’m ready, I promise. I wouldn’t have come to you if I wasn’t.”
“Well, you know you can come back to the garage anytime you want. We all miss having you there. Especially Quinn. The dip shit won’t shut up about not having a decent meal to eat. I swear kid, you’ve done spoiled the man.”
“Great! How about I start back Monday. Put Quinn out of his misery.” I chortle.
“Sounds great, Bella. Just one thing...have you talked to Logan about this?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?” First Quinn, now Jake. What makes anyone think I should ask him first. I don’t need permission from Logan to go back to work.
He holds his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, I was only asking. Though maybe you should discuss it with him before Monday.” Jake suggests.
“I’m sure Logan could care less. I’ll mention it to him later, okay?” I say getting up from the chair. “I really appreciate you agreeing to me coming back, Jake.”
“Anytime, sweetheart. If I don’t see you later, then I’ll see you Monday at the garage.”
After leaving Jake’s office, I head in the direction of the room Alba has here. Turning the corner, I run straight into Logan as he’s exiting his room. I thought he had club shit to deal with, at least that’s what I had been told. I stand here l
ooking at him and cross my arms.
“Hey, babe. What are you doing here?” he says looking a bit confused, and I’m sure he doesn’t miss the same expression, mixed with growing anger on my face as well.
“I came to see Jake. What are you doing here? Gabriel said you had some club business to take care of and that’s why you didn’t pick Alba up at school.” I say suspiciously.
“I did. Just got back. What did you need to see Jake for?”
“I’m ready to go back to work. I was making sure he was cool with it.”
“Go back? Do you think you’re ready?”
I swear I’m so damn tired of that question. Are you okay? How are you feeling? Do you think you’re ready? It’s my damn choice when I’m ready and what I do.
“I wouldn’t have told Jake I was ready to come back if I weren’t ready, Logan.” I can’t help the bitchy way the words come out.
“Don’t start, Bella,” he clips.
“Start what, Logan?” I feign like I don’t know what he’s talking about.
“This shit where you turn everything into an argument. I’m sick of it, and it stops now.”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
I do, and I hate that he’s calling me out on it.
“You’re always avoiding any real issue, Bella. So instead of dealing, you look for any reason to start a fight with me. Over stupid shit too. Like today. You knew going behind my back asking Jake to go back to work, without talking to me first...you knew that shit would start a fight. Only today, it’s not working. Today we’re dealing with our problem.” Logan declares through gritted teeth.
By the set line in his jaw and fire in his eyes, I know he’s done. There will be no more hiding. No more distance. He has had enough.
“Fine.” I snap. “I’ll go get the girls, and meet you at home.”
“No, they can stay here tonight. I’ll let the guys know, so they can keep an eye on them.”
Without replying, I brush past him continuing down the hall. There is no arguing with him when he’s like this.
Undaunted: The Kings of Retribution MC Page 23
