The Barbershop Seven: A Barney Thomson omnibus

by Douglas Lindsay

  'I believed Mr Jacobs I had already met,' he said. 'An individual most helpful.'

  'We have not met before, sir,' said Jacobs, shaking his head and doing the Jeeves thing. Although by now, after a couple of days of full-on stress, Jacobs had more of the Jeeves-by-way-of-Hannibal-Lecter look about him.

  'Know that do I,' said Ping Phat, who was sticking to his Yoda-by-way-of-Yoda-with-a-dash-of-Yoda routine.

  Ephesian stared at Ping Phat's nose wishing that something would just make sense. His head twitched, he began to feel the pressure build inside his skull. Deep breath, then another, determined not to betray the agonies to anyone else.

  The woman stepped forward to Ping Phat's right and nodded deferentially at Ephesian.

  'I believe that Mr Phat's confusion comes from our earlier meeting some ten minutes ago with your butler, who allowed us to enter the house and is currently brewing a pot of tea for our consumption. He led us to believe that he was Mr Jacobs.'

  'I'm the butler,' said Jacobs. 'I'm Jacobs.'

  He stared between Ephesian and Phat, didn't even glance at the woman, then muttered, 'Shit,' and headed quickly to the door. Stopped in the doorway and turned back.

  'What did he look like?' he asked, directing the question at Ping Phat.

  Ping Phat raised an eyebrow at the tone, unused to anyone talking to him in that way.

  'He had black hair, quite a dark complexion,' said the woman. 'Mediterranean perhaps.'

  Jacobs glanced quickly at Ephesian, who almost returned the look, but his eyes had now dropped to the floor. He desperately needed to retreat from the room and from these people.

  'Fuck,' said Jacobs, fully aware of who it was who had been in the house, and he ran out to start the search, slamming the door behind him. As if it was all Ping Phat's fault.

  Ephesian turned and stared at the door. He was going to have to get out. He needed to lie down or fall down or drop down. Anything.

  'Abrupt Mr Jacobs is,' said Ping Phat, the right level of admonition in his voice. Had expected more from Ephesian and his staff.

  Ephesian did not answer.

  'Is there a problem about which Mr Phat should be told?' asked the woman.

  Ephesian twitched again, this time his whole body seeming to spasm.

  Head down and he was on his way out. There were some words of apology on the tip of his tongue but they never fully formed. Some strange sound escaped from his lips, and it may even have been a variation on the syllable arf, and then he opened the door and quickly walked into the hall and turned up the stairs, leaving the Phat collective to themselves.

  Ping Phat looked at his watch, then at each of his team in turn, and then finally his gaze fell on the drinks cabinet.

  'Well,' he said, 'fuck this. If they're not going to bring us tea, we may as well help ourselves to some of the single malt he has there. Sam,' he said to one of the bodyguards, 'find the kitchen and bring us some ice.'

  'Yes, sir,' said the bodyguard and off he went.

  Jacobs had already visited the kitchen, as he had done every room on the ground floor in less than a minute, before thumping upstairs marginally behind Ephesian. The more thorough search would come after he had established on the first quick viewing that Luigi Linguini was nowhere to be seen.

  However, when in time he had taken the more methodical approach and gone through every hidden corner in every room, there would still be no sign of the Italian who had dared to impersonate one of the Brotherhood. Luigi Linguini had left the building.

  A Needle Pulling Thread

  The old fella beneath Barney's scissors was not at all responsive, but it was nearly the end of the day and Barney felt like talking. Half way through an elaborate Red Hot Chilli Pepper and flowing nicely, Barney was in the groove. Igor was sweeping up behind. There were no other customers waiting. A curious day was drawing to a close, although Barney had no idea of the drama and downright excitement which had still to happen.

  'And here's another one,' he continued, some way into a monological dissertation on bad song lyrics. 'Ray, a drop of golden sun. A drop of golden sun?' All right, so Barney wasn't exactly being this century, but it was his shop and he could talk about what he wanted. 'A ray of sunshine can hardly be described as a drop. A drop? Seriously, a drop's a tiny thing. A rain-drop. Tiny. A ray isn't a drop. Why didn't they use beam or streak or shaft or stream? They're all good words, and they're all one syllable 'n' all. Ray, a beam of golden sun! What's wrong with that? They could've used any of those words. What were they thinking?'

  Barney looked at the customer in the mirror, his face going along with the what were they thinking line. The customer, an old fella with grey hair and a look of sagacity in his eyes, stared at Barney for a while, then slowly reached inside the cape and produced a card, which he held up for Barney to take from him. Barney smiled and took it as offered, wondering what profession this guy was going to have which would excuse him from conversation. The card, however, offered no profession, only philosophy.

  He who knows does not speak.

  He who speaks does not know.

  Lao Tzu 604-531 BC

  Barney stared at it for a second, nodded appreciatively and then handed it to Igor. Igor read it, nodded appreciatively and then slipped it into his pocket.

  'Might start using that myself,' he said, although it disappointingly came out as arf.

  'You should,' said Barney.

  He looked at the customer again. The old fella held his gaze for a second or two and then looked down at the shelf in front of him, believing his point to have been made.

  'I always used to think that Stipe sang Don't blow your head off in the middle of Everybody Hurts,' said Barney, at least bringing his chat a little up to date, even if he was completely ignoring the centuries-old Chinese philosophy.

  ***

  James Randolph sat on a bench along the sea front not too far from the barbershop. Legs crossed, jacket buttoned up, the wind blowing the invigorating smell of the sea into his face. Feeling more relaxed than he had in a long time, the fact that he had to kill someone that evening notwithstanding. The principal defining factor in his mood was that he had his method of murder. He was, for once in his life, about to pleasantly surprise his employer.

  He had left the barbershop that morning with an idea in mind, which he had then spent three hours on the internet perfecting. It seemed so simple, yet he felt sure it had a glorious originality to it. All the best things in life have simplicity in them, of course. He should have known that right from the start. After having spent three days thinking up more and more elaborate plans to commit murder, he should have known that the idea when it came to him would be beautifully austere.

  He had followed his few hours on the internet with a quick trip up to Glasgow and now he was back in Millport armed with all the necessary ingredients to commit the crime.

  His relationship with Ephesian was peculiar and not one which was formally laid down on any contractual basis. He was nominally a part-time casual employee, yet one who was required to do something on Ephesian's behalf around the town on most days. Rarely, however, did he ever impress his boss. He would carry out his tasks with the minimum of fuss and little imagination, but as long as he achieved his goals to some degree, he knew he could rely on Ephesian's loyalty. Tonight, however, for the first time in as long as he could remember, he really was going to impress him.

  He had no idea, of course, that Ephesian had moved on into a thick morass, a sea of troubles like he had never imagined, and that he had already relieved Randolph of his duties. Jacobs had now been tasked with committing the murder to drain the blood that was required for the ceremony. Jacobs had also been tasked with getting rid of Randolph.

  Ephesian, however, had never done his two-week personnel management course on an island in the middle of a Welsh lake, living on worms and beetles and Fruit Loops, running over hot coals in his bare feet, and masturbating himself into a frenzy in a mass polyglot of chanting, cannibalistic sub
-mutants. He wasn't versed in business best practice of passing information down the chain of command. And so Randolph had not been kept abreast of the decision-making process and was unaware of how Ephesian envisioned things panning out.

  James Randolph, happy in his ignorance, turned round on his bench every now and again and looked at the short stretch of the shopfront along Shore Street, which encompassed both the barbershop and the small solicitor's office of Garrett Carmichael, checking that his prey was still at work for the late afternoon.

  He looked back out to sea then picked up the plastic bag which had been sitting on the bench beside him and held it in his lap. It was plain yellow, good quality, no supermarket advertising on the side, something in which Randolph always took a strange pleasure. This evening, however, it was the contents which were much more important.

  Across the water, above the hills of Arran, the sun was, for the first time that day, beginning to force its way through the clouds, so that long, translucent drops of golden sun were streaking from the clouds down onto the sea.

  'Drops?' said Randolph quietly to himself. 'You can hardly call them drops.'

  ***

  Jacobs walked into the bedroom. The late afternoon sun, which James Randolph was watching smother the sea in new light, was also shining brightly into the only room upstairs in the big house which was ever occupied. He stood in the middle of the room staring at Ephesian, waiting for the man to turn and look at him. Knew that he would not but thought that he ought to give him the opportunity.

  Ephesian was aware of the presence in the room. Knew it would be Jacobs but could not bring himself to turn. His world was unravelling before him. Every time he attempted to get things into some kind of order, every time Jacobs managed to persuade him that the pieces were falling into place, they immediately suffered another setback.

  He was sitting at his window seat, another vantage point from where he frequently watched the firth below, although now his head was in his hands and he was swaying very slightly from side to side.

  'Sir,' said Jacobs quietly but with urgency and annoyance.

  Ephesian twitched. He wasn't turning, not yet. He had another couple of hours to sit here at least, head down. He wanted Jacobs to go away and sort everything out, before returning later in the evening to tell him that all the problems had been taken care of. And he wanted Jacobs to tell him that Ping Phat was on his way back to fucking China.

  Ping Phat! He had a sudden and very uncomfortable thought that Phat might have come up the stairs with Jacobs and be at this moment standing in the doorway, laughing silently at him. So some strange fear of embarrassment it was that suddenly roused him from his mental prison and he stood up quickly, his heart beating wildly, staring at Jacobs.

  Ping Phat wasn't there but Ephesian's breaths still came in short stabs, he still felt the unnerving touch of a cold sweat.

  'The Italian is gone,' said Jacobs. 'We can't worry about him. He's taken nothing, he will have found nothing.'

  'Are you sure?' asked Ephesian, looking at the carpet.

  'Yes,' said Jacobs. 'Now that Ping Phat is here we must use it to our advantage. Establish what he is after, establish whether he has the Grail.'

  Ephesian's head twitched; his entire upper body seemed to accompany the movement.

  'He is a straightforward man,' continued Jacobs. 'If he has the Grail, he will not hide it from us. He will make demands. That is how he works. If he does not possess it, we can return to our original assumption. Then we target Father Roosevelt and we should be in possession of the Grail before late evening.'

  Ephesian trembled again, a more minor tremor.

  'Let's go, sir,' said Jacobs. 'Once we have the Grail, I can commit the required murder, you can speak to Anthony about indoctrinating him into the brotherhood, and then we can relax for the last couple of hours before the rite. We are almost there.'

  This time Ephesian managed to listen to him and to accept the words without the accompanying facial spasm. Jacobs had done it again. Smoothed over the worst of the events, put as good a spin on the facts as possible.

  Ephesian felt a shiver course its way through his body. He stared at the door and breathed deeply. Time to meet Ping Phat, fragile self-assurance currently intact.

  'Right, come on,' he said, as if he felt some basic need to at least act like he was in charge.

  'Very good, sir,' said Jacobs, falling nicely back into the old Jeeves routine.

  Fortune Cookie Philosophy

  Another day done and dusted, the third in the shop. Everything already felt very familiar, mundane almost. Today, what with experiencing an exorcism and the general weirdness of having had someone else's soul walk through his body, had been a little different to the norm, but the afternoon had in the end taken an accustomed turn, the usual series of old guys requesting inappropriate haircuts.

  Barney and Igor were standing somewhat forlornly at the shop window, looking out over the sea. They had yet to put the Closed sign on the door but it was now into early evening and they were sure no more customers would come. The brief excitement of the day having passed, Barney had lapsed once more into the melancholic solemnity of his mid-life crisis.

  Maybe he could go on a walking tour of Africa. Visit every country on the continent by foot; that would be a suitably grand British piece of insanity to mark the complete lack of achievement in his life up to this point.

  Did he have the survival skills to handle the jungle, the desert, the savannah, the townships, the leach-infested rivers, the market places selling masks to tourists, the marauding, pot-smoking machine gun-toting teenagers in northern Congo, the land mines in Western Sahara? Did he know enough about Africa to last ten minutes in any one of the forty-three countries? Course he didn't.

  So, Africa it was then. That would be a grand old few years out of his life. He could come back, should he survive, and appear on Richard & Judy and BBC Breakfast. He could write a book and do celebrity get-me-out-of-here shows.

  'Arf,' said Igor, by way of telling Barney to tuck it in.

  'Aye,' muttered Barney, 'I'd be lucky if I could walk through flippin' Greenock without getting taken to the cleaners.'

  The door opened and an old geezer stuck his head in. Barney was beginning to wonder if anyone ever died on Millport or if this was where people were sent to exist for all eternity.

  'You're not still open?' said the old guy.

  Barney looked at Igor, glanced round at the clearly still open shop and turned back to the old fella.

  'Aye,' he said, 'we are.'

  The old guy snorted.

  'I don't believe it,' he said, then he closed the door and minced unconvincingly away back up the street.

  Barney and Igor stared out the window.

  'Pub bet,' said Barney.

  'Arf.'

  A movement across the road caught his eye. James Randolph had finally risen from his vantage point on the promenade. Barney had been thinking about the vague strangeness of his manner in the shop that morning, wondering what he was up to. How do they kill lambs?

  'You close up, will you?' he said, touching Igor's arm.

  'Arf.'

  He grabbed his jacket, opened the door, turned the Closed sign round as he went, then passed silently out into the cold of early evening. Igor watched him go and then hurriedly began to tidy everything away.

  Barney paused. There were a few others abroad but nowhere near enough for Barney to be able to blend into the crowd. Fortunately, however, Randolph was entirely distracted by following his prey and had not noticed Barney leaving the shop.

  And along the road, less than a hundred yards ahead, Barney saw the object of James Randolph's intent. Garrett Carmichael had just left her office and was walking quickly along Shore Street in the direction of her house, hurrying to get home after a late afternoon at the office.

  Barney started walking after them, as Randolph crossed the road and casually approached Carmichael. They both worked for Ephesian. They knew each o
ther well; there was nothing strange or menacing in his approach. Had James Randolph seen Garrett Carmichael in the street on any other day he would have spoken to her. This was no different. Apart from the fact that he was carrying with him an unmarked plastic bag containing the world's most dangerous cheese sandwich.

  Barney was close enough to hear the greeting that passed between the two as Randolph came alongside. He had no idea why he was suddenly worried but he found himself quickening his pace to catch up.

  In the shop, his well-developed sixth sense screaming at him, Igor also realised the impending danger to Garrett Carmichael and was even more concerned than Barney.

  ***

  'If tea you are now in position to make, grateful I would be.'

  Jacobs nodded at Ping Phat, managed to keep the contempt from his face when looking at the drained whisky glass, then looked around the rest of the gang to enquire after their tea needs. The female assistant caught his eye.

  'Mr Phat is very particular about his tea, something about which I did not inform the previous Mr Jacobs as I sensed he was not an expert.'

  Jacobs took the compliment and smiled.

  'Particular?' he asked. Ephesian stood a little to the side, staring at his desk, wishing they could ignore the formalities.

  'He takes twenty-three sugars,' she said.

  'Ah,' said Jacobs.

  'In order to facilitate this,' she continued, 'he requires the boiling water to be placed directly into the cup. There must be no intermediate teapot stage. The sugar should then be added to the hot water, while the water as yet remains uncontaminated by tea of any description.'

  Oh, Jesus Christ! thought Ephesian, will you just get on with it!

  'The teabag, which will be of a mild green tea, should then be placed in the sweet water for two minutes, stirred once with a silver teaspoon and then withdrawn.'

  Jacobs' face sagged into a withering Jeeves.

  'Mr Ephesian does not keep teabags of any description in his home. We have Sir Thomas Lipton Chinese Green Tea no.14, if that would be appropriate, but I would then require further instruction on the preparation process.'