Mistake

by Kristine Williams

  "Yeah." No pressure there. They were at the loft now, and Jim climbed slowly out of the car. He wasn't sure if he'd have the strength to discuss this with Blair today, but he didn't want it going any longer if he could help it. Simon came up with him and Jim let him open the door. From the quick scan Jim had done on the way upstairs, he knew they'd find Blair in the kitchen. And he was right. Blair was standing in the kitchen, dressed but hair still wet, which meant he probably hadn't been awake for very long.

  "Jim." Blair turned as they came inside, one arm still tucked close to his injured side.

  "Hey, partner." Jim crossed the room, glancing at the couch and living room. "How's it going?"

  Blair shook his head slightly, then pushed wet hair from his face. "I'm fine."

  "Oh you two are gonna have some fun." Simon glanced from Jim to Blair and back again. "Jim, you want me to hang around? Neither one of you is in good shape."

  "I think we'll manage, Captain." Jim saw the look of relief cross Blair's face. "We're both too tired to do much anyway, right, Chief?"

  Blair nodded, raising both eyebrows.

  "All right. Call me if you need anything." With that, Simon left.

  Jim walked to the couch and sat down, noticing the blood had all been cleaned up.

  "You want some coffee?"

  "Yeah. Can you manage okay?" Jim watched Blair moving slowly in the kitchen. Simon was right, it would be interesting to see how the two of them managed for the next week.

  "I can manage." Blair reached up slowly for the coffee filters. "Might take me an hour, but I can manage."

  Jim laughed lightly. "Okay, Chief." He glanced at the rug where he remembered Mills falling. There was no sign of what had happened anywhere in the living room. The couch showed signs of having been cleaned, very thoroughly. That, coupled with his partner's current physical state, led Jim to conclude that Simon had cleaned up. He had also mentioned having spent the night. At least Blair hadn't been alone.

  "How's the shoulder?" Blair was still in the kitchen, presumably waiting for the coffee.

  "Not too bad." Jim shifted on the couch just enough to get his feet up and stretch out, kicking both shoes off. "The pills don't work for very long, but if I concentrate, I can keep it pretty tolerable." It was throbbing now, and Jim realized he hadn't been concentrating.

  "You know, Jim, the doctors had some trouble keeping you under during surgery." Blair turned around to pull two cups out of the cupboard as the coffee finished. "I was afraid of this."

  "Afraid of what?"

  "This whole sensory reaction to medication. Jim, we need to study this. You don't realize how important..."

  Jim held up his uninjured hand. "Hold on, right there. If this is more of your pain experiment stuff, you can forget it."

  "Jim, you don't understand." Blair poured two cups of coffee, but remained in the kitchen looking out at Jim. "We need to know why this happens and to what extent. These medications are obviously working on your metabolism, but when they reach your senses, you seem to be compensating in some way, and fighting them off. What I want to know is why, and how, and how far does this go? You don't want to be at the dentist and have the Novocain wear off halfway through a root canal, do you?"

  "Chief, what I want is coffee. Do you mind?" Jim did understand. He understood Blair was trying to avoid coming out to the living room. Out to face the spot where it happened. He also knew his partner would use that thread of conversation to skate right over the issue. And Jim wasn't going to let him.

  Blair sighed in exasperation, but picked up both cups, wincing a little as he moved his right arm away from his side. "Jim, this has be due to your Sentinel senses, but why your metabolism is doing this, I have no idea. It was the same when you took that cold medicine. First your senses were all haywire, then you shook it off." Blair handed Jim a cup, then moved to the chair farthest away from where Mills had fallen, forcing Jim to turn around on the couch to face him.

  "Sandburg, I'm too tired to talk about this right now. I'm sure you'll figure this all out in time."

  "Not without tests, Jim."

  "Well that, you can forget. Maybe next time I get a cold, we'll discuss this." Blair made a face, then took a drink of coffee instead of replying. "How'd it go last night?" Jim's question was delivered quietly, and as casually as he could manage.

  Blair shrugged. "Fine. I think Simon spent the night, but I'm not sure. I fell asleep and just woke up an hour ago."

  Stage one. "You ready to talk about it?"

  Blair looked up. His eyes darted to the spot on the floor, then back up again, and he shook his head. "Talk about what?"

  "About Mills." Jim lowered his cup, balancing it on one knee.

  "Oh, yeah." Blair shook his head. "Man, I never would have guessed. How could he do something like that, and continue to lead the investigation? I mean, announcing what he was doing here in Cascade, and asking for help. It was like he was taunting the cops, or wanting to get caught."

  "He had to play along in normal investigative fashion, or else start someone thinking." Jim shifted a little, easing his shoulder into a better position. "What about you, Chief? How do you feel about this?"

  Blair looked at Jim for a full minute, with eyes that saw nothing. Finally he seemed to shake himself and focus, then he shrugged. "I'm okay." He raised his cup to take another drink, but his hands began shaking, and he quickly lowered the cup, then a hand pushed still-damp hair away from his face. "It just happened so fast." His voice dropped to something barely above a whisper.

  Stage two. "Yes, it did." Jim kept his own voice calm, and quiet enough to force Blair to listen.

  "He didn't give me a choice." Blair kept his eyes on his coffee now, and his voice shook ever so slightly.

  "No, Chief, he didn't." Jim watched his partner. Blair wasn't looking at anything, and his hands rubbed the handle of the cup back and forth. He was working things out in his mind, but he wouldn't find the answer there.

  "Do you get used to this?" Blair asked his coffee.

  "No, you don't," Jim replied. "The day you do, is the day you quit. You learn how to deal with it, that's all. Deal with it and move on."

  Blair nodded slowly, still studying the cup. After a moment, he looked up and found Jim's eyes. "When was your first time?"

  Jim sighed deeply, wincing just a little as the movement of his chest set his shoulder throbbing. "Back in CovertOps. I was trained to expect it, and taught how to deal with it. It came with the job, just like being a cop. It's different for you just due to the fact that you haven't had to expect this. You haven't been taught this was a part of the job, something that might never happen, but could. Dealing with it is still the same process, Chief."

  "Yeah, well I think I can deal with it by just not doing this again." Blair raised both eyebrows for a moment, glancing around the room quickly before settling back on his cup. "You were right, man, I should stay out of the cop stuff."

  Stage three wasn't going to be easy. "No, you're wrong there, Chief." Jim reached out and carefully set his cup down on the coffee table. "I was wrong." Blair was looking at him again, a quizzical expression on his face. "Listen, I want you to understand, what I said the other morning, I meant it." He had to hold up a hand then to stop the protest he saw coming. "Just, hang on. I meant it, and I always will. If anything were to happen to you, it would be my fault, and my fault only. I took you on, and took the responsibility for your safety. Nothing new there, Chief, I'm used to that. What I'm not used to is this..." God, how to find the right word. "This dependency." Blair was going to love that one.

  He just sat there, looking puzzled.

  "I've had some time to think this over, Chief, and I changed my mind. I was wrong. You're just going to have to realize that's the way I feel, and if it ever does come down to your safety or this damn Sentinel stuff, you come first."

  Blair swallowed, then looked at the cup again. He seemed uncharacteristically at a loss for words. Finally he nodded and looked up. "
Yeah, well, I just don't know if it's a good idea, me coming back."

  Stage three was a long one. "Blair, listen to me." Jim leaned forward just a bit. "You killed a man. You stopped him from killing me. You stopped him from killing any more innocent people, including the next 16 year old victim he might have gone after. He didn't give you a choice." Blair was maintaining eye contact with the coffee, but he seemed to be listening. "You gave him every chance, and I'm proud of the way you handled yourself. But when it came down to it, he gave you no other option." Blair glanced up for a moment and nodded, then looked at the cup again. "Believe me, partner, I know what you're going through. It doesn't get easier, it just gets more familiar. I still go through the same emotions after killing someone, but now I know those emotions for what they are, and I can get through them. And so will you. You'll get through this because you know it wasn't your fault, you know he gave you no choice, you know what you did was done in self-defense, and not anger. And, you know I'm here to help you. Me, and an entire department full of experts."

  Blair looked up again. "Yeah." He paused, looking out over Jim's shoulder somewhere, fighting back the moisture that was building in his eyes. "Thanks, Jim."

  "Are we okay now, Chief? You're not going to hold that argument against me or anything?"

  Blair laughed slightly, then shook his head. "No. I guess not."

  "Good." He seemed to be bouncing back, but Jim knew it wasn't over. "Hey, at least your aim has improved, huh?"

  This time, Blair made a face. "That's funny, Jim. Mills was kinda hard to miss, you know."

  Jim was smiling, trying not to laugh. "I know. In fact, if you had missed, I never would have forgiven you." He reached down and pulled the remote control out from under the cushions. "Listen, Chief, I meant it when I said the department was there for you. We've got a shrink, and a Precinct full of people who can help you through this. They're there if you need them."

  Blair nodded. "Thanks, Jim. I think I'll be fine. I might need to..." He let his voice trail off, glancing once again at the coffee growing cold in his hands.

  "Anytime. I'm right here."

  "Thanks, Jim."

  "Hey, how about something to eat, huh?" Jim flipped on the television. "What do you say we order pizza?"

  "Yeah, I guess I can handle that." Blair stood slowly and walked to the phone.

  Jim flipped through the channels until he found one with news. Blair ordered a pizza during the weather, and had returned to the kitchen when Jim recognized a face on the screen. "Hey, check this out." He turned up the volume, and Blair came out from the kitchen. "Looks like Raymond is at it again."

  "And in local news this afternoon, well-known Montana businessman Eugene Whatcom was in court today, settling a lawsuit that alleged his son, Rainier University student Raymond Whatcom, had forced himself on a co-ed last March, ending in the girl's pregnancy. While still maintaining his innocence, Mr. Whatcom has settled the lawsuit for an undisclosed amount of money. This is apparently not Raymond Whatcom's first day in court, as we have learned...."

  Jim turned the sound down and shook his head. "Sounds like life is finally catching up to Raymond."

  "Yeah, life, and half the women on campus."

  ********

  Blair rolled over in bed, feeling the aching in his chest as he did. At least it was tolerable now. Two weeks had passed, and the bandages had finally been removed just yesterday, but his ribs were still sore and didn't appreciate sudden movement or pressure. Still, he was finally able to sleep in a position other than flat on his back. He pressed his face into the pillow, willing the clock to read 3 AM. When he finally opened one eye to confirm the time, he groaned. 6:30.

  "Sandburg, you coming or what?" Jim called as he passed Blair's door, leaving the bathroom.

  "I'm up," Blair mumbled into the pillow. "I'm up." I'm up. He took as deep a breath as he could, and forced his legs out from under the blankets. Bare feet hit a cold floor and he forced his eyes open wide. A quick propulsion across the hall got him into the bathroom, where the steam from Jim's shower still lingered. The bruising across his chest was still obvious, but the one on his face had long since faded. Both he and Jim had spent time in the doctor's office yesterday, being cleared to go back to the Station. Blair had been to the University twice in the past two days, but only to grade papers and catch up on some cataloguing. Two hours of Professor Kinyon had exhausted him the first day back, but yesterday had been very productive, unpacking and inspecting a shipment of pottery from the Amazon. But now it was time to get back to Jim's work, and he had a full day to devote away from the University, now that Professor Kinyon had brought him up to speed.

  Blair turned on the shower and stepped inside, enjoying the feeling of water finally flowing across his chest again, instead of over tightly wrapped, water proof tape. He was only halfway through rinsing his hair when the water changed temperature.

  "Oh, man, this sucks!"

  End