by J. Naomi Ay
"I can't," Thad replied dismissively, now feeling horribly stressed. "Get dressed and go home. I've got work to do. You were good, but I'll catch you later."
Quickly, wrapping a towel around his waist, Thad went inside and poured himself a drink. Although, he was certain death was impending, he wasn't quite ready to fall off the wagon yet. Just in case, he made a virgin, as in tonic and ice with a squeeze of lime. He dropped an olive in just for show and pretended it was actually gin. Thad knocked back his drink, and then, created a second just like the first. This one, Thad drank slowly with savor as if it were the last meal he'd ever have.
Afterward, the Duke of Kalika-hahr, formerly known as only Thad Mattson, shuffled into his study and sat down in his leather chair to wait for his turn to die.
Thad flicked on the vid and stood by for the impending message which might arrive as an email or a text. Alternatively, it might come as merely a shock to his heart, or worse, an electric jolt to his butt. Possibly, a blood vessel might burst in Thad's brain, or his esophagus might collapse and halt his breathing. Thad stared at his half-garden while thinking these and other thoughts, and apologizing to Ron in his mind.
"If you're listening out there, Boss, I want you to know, I'm sorry for everything I did, and everything I didn't do, but should have. Most importantly, I'm really sorry I didn't convince Katie all those year ago not ransom those Mishnese dudes from the Alliance. I know, you're probably still pissed at me about that."
When Thad's screen pinged announcing the arrival of a message, he was certain that a bullet had pierced his heart. He clutched his chest expecting blood to flow between his fingers, and down his shirt, as the bullet soared through his back and into the chair. Thad laid his head upon his desk, his eyesight dimming, his heartbeat growing faint.
"I'm dying," he wept to no one, not even Gina. Then, Thad closed his eyes and waited for that brilliant flash of light which would be the indicator of his final passing over.
Several minutes went by without the light's arrival. Actually, this was a good thing as far as Thad was concerned. It had occurred to him in the interim that he may be destined for down low, so naturally, Thad wished to delay it as long as possible. He sorted out a prayer although it was probably way too late for that and he wasn't entirely certain who might be listening. However, it wouldn't hurt to ask for leniency in this important regard, and obviously, Ron wasn't the only one in charge.
"Please Dear Lord," Thad began, lifting his head slightly from the table. "Have mercy…wait a minute! Hold on a sec!" Thad felt his chest realizing it was dry and neither was there blood between his fingers. Thad had not been shot after all. Yet.
"Phew," Thad gasped aloud, while reaching into his drawer to extract a Xanax and a Prozac and some chewing gum. A few moments later, delusional thoughts now under control, Thad's mouth was bursting with a fresh and juicy flavor.
Thad opened the email to discover that the Imperial Family was coming to Rozari for a visit. Thad had no choice, but to depart immediately, right now. Undoubtedly, the Emperor was coming to kill him by his own hand.
"I'm going to go visit my brother, Larry," the Duke decided, grabbing a suitcase and a bag.
He threw in everything he might need for an indefinite stay on Earth. When he had finished packing, he went online to book himself a ticket. Surprisingly, fares were really cheap. There was a Winter-Summer special or a Fall-Spring fling going on, depending on where one was headed, or where one had been.
Thad reserved a seat for himself in First Class, figuring ought to spend every dime that he had. He couldn’t take it with him, not to Earth or beyond, so he might as well enjoy it while he could.
Gina, on the other side of the wall, was disturbed from her afternoon nap by Thad's banging. Fully awake and in a bad mood, Gina put her ear to a glass which she kept there just so she could listen in when Thad was talking on the vid.
"Larry," Thad had called his brother who still lived on Earth with his wife, Ming, in the Valley of the Sun. "I'm coming to visit you, right away."
"Really?" Larry asked since Thad had never visited him before. "What's the occasion for this unexpected delight, elder bro?"
"Uh…" Thad tried to think of a reason. "I miss you, little dude, and I want to see my family before I die."
"Sure. I think you're just trying to skip out on your alimony payments." Larry laughed so loudly even Gina heard, and it set her blood to boil. Her ears burned, and her jaw clenched as she vowed to make certain Thad wouldn't escape without paying her all that was due.
Gina put down the glass and ran to her desk to turn on her vid whereupon she immediately booked herself a ticket to Earth. Luckily for her there was a sale going on, some kind of Winter-Summer special or Fall-Spring fling, depending on where one was going and where one had been. Figuring she could spare a few extra dimes, Gina booked herself a seat in First Class even though she couldn't take advantage of all the free drinks. She packed her suitcase very quickly making certain not to omit her brand new, teeny, tiny, pink Lady Smith & Wesson and the written instructions on how to use it.
Chapter 4
"Are you sure you want to eat before the flight?" Jerry asked Lester who was standing in the queue in front of CinnaRoll. "You know, the first five minutes, until we break the planet's thermosphere, can be awfully hard on your stomach if you're not used to it."
"No problem, Jer," Les replied, ordering a humongous Classic Roll which was stuffed with cream cheese and oozing frosting on top. "I never had problems riding rollercoasters at the fair, even after I scarfed a dozen funnel cakes. This old belly's hungry, and will be much happier after I fill it."
"Okay," Jerry muttered and sipped his coffee, which was black, sans cream or sugar. He saved his dry onion bagel in his bag, but kept a piece of ginger handy just in case he felt a tell-tale roiling of his stomach.
Once aboard the Dariun Starlines flight to Earth, Jerry was feeling fine. They were traveling on a brand new SdK Intergalactic 878 and the environment of the passenger cabin was nicer than any he remembered. The air conditioning was at the right temperature, the ambient lighting, perfectly controlled. The seat was firm in just the right places and the tray table snapped in precisely to the armrest.
“This is great,” Jerry told Les, relaxing into his seat while buckling his safety harness in place.
"I think I'm going to puke, Jer," Les mumbled, clutching his gut, as the plane launched into a vertical lift off.
"Take deep breaths, Les," Jerry advised. "Relax and ride the wave. Wait for the ship to even out, count to ten and you'll be fine. Only a couple more minutes and we'll be horizontal again."
Jerry did as he had advised Les. He reclined into the cushions of his First Class seat and enjoyed the tug of gravity. He felt a thrill of excitement and a twinge of nostalgia trickle up his spine as it had been years since he had been out in space.
Maybe, he should have traveled more often. Maybe, he and Janet ought to take another trip next year. Jerry began to plan his future vacations until Les threw up all over himself, the floor, the seat, and of course, his neighbor Jerry.
When Jerry was in Spaceforce, he wore a uniform comprised of ultra-durable synthetic cotton which was woven and sewn at a nanotechnical level. That garment managed to repel common stains and ordinary spills including blood and other foul matter produced by the body. It required dry cleaning only once every year and retained a fresh polished and pressed look no matter what.
Unfortunately at that moment, when Les puked all over him, Jerry was wearing normal clothes. He was dressed in a simple no-wrinkle cotton button down shirt which he had purchased at the big box store. His trousers were a pair of poly-blend Dockers, held at the waist by a synthetic leather belt in matching blue. Had Jerry been in uniform, Les's bile and the CinnaRoll would have easily slipped off leaving neither trace nor smell nor residue. Now, Jerry was covered in it and soaked through to the skin which is how he remained the entire flight.
"Somehow, these things always happen to me." Jer
ry sighed, recalling other disastrous flights across the stars. “Is that because I'm a schmuck, or am I just unlucky? Wait. Don’t answer that,” he told Les.
Despite the rancid smell, and the discomfort of his clothes, Jerry tried to relax and enjoy the rest of his trip. While Lester snored against the window, Jerry chewed his bagel and read a book. It was one Janet had purchased for him, a science fiction fantasy about a Human girl and a Rehnorian prince, and something about it mildly disturbed him.
Half way through, Jerry set it down. Instead, he turned on the in-flight vid and selected a new movie. This was a story about a Luminerian woman who was in love with a Bagmagian man while both were each trying to pass themselves off as a Cascadian. She purposely hid her frontal arm and dorsal leg in baggy clothes while he wrapped a bandage over his second head and told her it was a tumor.
"Now, this is interesting," Jerry remarked out loud as they moved into a bedroom scene where the woman began to slowly unzip her jumper. The camera panned to the unknowing Bagmagian man whose eyes nearly popped from his head when her third arm greeted him in place of her breasts.
"What the hell?" The man gasped while ripping the sheath off his second head so his partner could get a good look at it too.
Jerry sighed heavily and sadly shook his own head, his heart aching for the distraught lovers. Extra limbs and body parts, uncommon organs, and different gear were all common problems when one dated out of their species.
However, all was not lost. Jerry had no reason to feel any grief. A moment later, the lovers were back at it full thrust. Even though, Jerry was a doctor, he had to shield his eyes, as some things were just not meant to be seen out in public, or on a spaceplane.
"I accept your diversity," the Luminerian woman declared.
"And, we accept yours," the two Bagmagian heads, in stereo, cried.
"Too bad you don't have two dicks," the woman murmured, rolling about. "That would really make this experience even more keen."
"Actually," Jerry announced. "It would make it totally obscene. Lucky for you guys, she doesn't have an internal electrical chastity belt."
"What?" Les murmured, drool trickling down his chin, his head locked upon the windowsill.
"Nothing," Jerry replied, quickly covering his tiny movie screen. "Go back to sleep, Les. I'll wake you when we get there."
"Okay," Les mumbled, followed by a snorting, snoring sort of sound, as Jerry turned his attention back to the movie.
"Jerry?" A voice interrupted. "Oh my God, Jerry, I can't believe it's you."
"Michael?" Jerry gasped, covering the screen again which was now displaying the couple in a moment of post-coital bliss. The Luminerian woman was lighting cigarettes for every head and using her three arms to place them in their mouths. "Wow. Gosh. Michael. What are you doing here?"
"Same thing as you, Cousin. Flying across the galaxy. Hey, that's a good movie. I saw it on the flight over." Michael Silverman started laughing in that annoying way he had. His laugh always sounded like it was coming from his nose, and it was way too high for a guy as big as him. Funny how after all these years, Jerry's first inclination was to punch him in the face. He didn't though. Instead, Jerry stood up and the cousins sort of hugged.
"So, how are you?" They shook hands after that hugging thing didn't really work.
"Fine. Fine."
What do you say to each other after all this time? Good to see you, now get back to your life? I missed you, but not really all that much?
"No standing in the aisle," a flight attendant barked. "And, no using the First Class heads if you're sitting in coach."
"Sorry," Michael apologized, pushing his glasses up his nose.
Then, he pointed a finger at Jerry and smiled again. Jerry smiled also in a non-committal way. Actually, he though, it was just as well Michael was on the plane. Now, Jerry and Les could go vacation to somewhere better than the Jersey shore.
"Coffee, Jerry?" Michael suggested, pointing at Jerry’s chest again.
"Sure. Sure," Jerry replied and flicked off his in-flight vid.
"Wait for me." Les bolted awake. "Coffee sounds great right about now." He offered his hand to Michael with a brief introduction. "Shoes are my specialty, oxfords, orthopedics, loafers and pumps."
The men squeezed down the aisle to the plane's mini lounge. There, they sat on mini barstools at an even minier barista table. As it turned out, Michael had been at a medical conference on Darius II.
"That's nice." Jerry forced a smile again, briefly wondering why he hadn’t been invited to attend. He was practically the only doctor on the continent’s western coast. Even though, he was retired, his resume was still quite impressive. Instead, his cousin had gone, one-upping Jerry once again.
"I guess it was just fate that knocked us together." Michael laughed and punched Jerry's shoulder in the way he always had. "We can fly back to Earth together, and you and Les can stay at my place in Connecticut. I hope you don't mind little dogs. My Yorkie is incredibly sweet, although she might try to bite your ankles until she gets to know you."
"That'd be super," Les wholeheartedly agreed. "Your place is free. Why stay at a hotel where we'd have to pay?"
"Then, it's settled," Michael exclaimed.
"Sure," Jerry murmured into his cup. So far this vacation was turning out to be the pits.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on one's perspective, fate intervened again a moment later. A hideous grinding noise echoed throughout the passenger cabin, just as the plane lurched to first one side, then another.
"Oy vey!" Lester cried, his face turning green and his stomach threatening to heave once again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, would you kindly return to your seats," a calm voice announced over the intercom system.
"What's going on, Jer?" Lester cried, clutching Jerry's arm. "You're the one who used to live in space."
"I don't know," Jerry shrugged, "But, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."
"I'm heading back to my seat," Michael announced. "I'll see you guys later."
So, Jerry and Lester returned to their seats and buckled up. The plane continued to fly, but it was obvious that something was wrong. Periodically, they heard a banging noise and saw flames shooting out of the starboard engine.
"Are we going to die?" Lester whimpered, squeezing Jerry's arm. "If we are, Jer, I want you to know, I consider you my best friend."
"That's nice, Les," Jerry remarked. "I don't think we're going to be that lucky. In fact, there's a spacebase right over there." Jerry pointed out the window at the tiny man-made moon which was floating less than a half a click away. "I think that's 41-B." Jerry recognized it from the sign overhead, which incidentally, read something like, "Welcome to Spacebase 41-B." He also recalled the two hotels which occupied the upper floors, a Holiday Inn Express and a Radisson in Space.
"Thank God," Lester gasped and loosened his grip. "I tell you, Jer, I don't know how you did this for all those years."
Jerry shrugged and leaned back in his chair, recalling less than fondly his visits to 41-B, which was the nearest spaceport to the former Landbase Rozari.
It was here that Katie had first run away with Ron instead of coming to Earth with Jerry like they had planned. It was here that Katie had reappeared after being kidnapped by the evil Rehnorian prince, the one she later killed.
"You okay, Jer?" Lester leaned closer to Jerry's face. "You're looking kind of sad. You sure we're going to be alright?"
"Yes, Les," Jerry nodded, staring off at the distant stars, half wishing, half dreaming that his life had turned out differently.
Chapter 5
Pym Pingbon enjoyed managing the convenience store on Imperial Spacebase 41-B. She liked the daily parade of people visiting from all over the galaxy. Pym could speak seven languages, and she had a Universal Translator for those she couldn't understand, so often she found herself getting into long, in depth conversations with travelers waiting for connecting flights.
"Where are you
headed?" Pym would ask as she rang up the packages of gum and candy. This usually prompted an explanation of a business trip to Altaris II, a conference in Luminaria VII, a family visit on Cascadia III, or a honeymoon on Darius II.
Pym loved to hear about the honeymoon details best of all. Having never married in her seventy-eight years, she had only the descriptive tales of wayward passengers and the fictional adventures in the many bookshop novels to fill in the gaps of her own very limited experience.
In fact, Pym's experience was so limited as to simply be non-existent. Born on Andorus II, with what just about anyone would consider a hideously ugly face, Pym had neither the body nor the brains to make up for her lack of physical appeal.
Early on in her young adulthood, Pym's father had tried unsuccessfully to marry her off to a man. Several times, he had arranged the nuptials providing ample dowry up front, and several times, Pym stood at the altar alone and still unwed.
"What you need is a blind man," Pym's father would laugh. "Too bad that odd Rehnorian prince has died."
This was way back when Pym was in her twenties, and her father was still alive. As it turned out later, the odd Rehnorian Prince returned to life, and Pym's father died, two events which was totally unrelated to one another. However, Pym was no longer pressured to marry anyone or anything, and so she remained alone at home sitting on her rock.
It was boring on that rock, so tedious, in fact, that Pym found herself cleaning her empty hut endlessly each day. When that still failed to fill up the long, lonely hours from dawn until dusk, Pym approached her neighbors and offered to clean their huts, as well.
Most Andorians, at that time, were an exceptionally lazy breed, so Pym's tenacity and fortitude mystified them all. However, they took advantage of her efforts, compensating Pym just enough and rewarding the ugly Andorian for her hitherto hidden entrepreneurial talents.
Feeling the need to expand the repertoire of skills which she might possess, Pym took a position at a convenience store that catered to tourists from other stars. Here, Pym learned all those languages, as well as the ability to ring up sales and count out change. She also discovered there was an entire universe beyond her planet, something ugly Pym longed to see.
