by Laura Howard
Belong to Me
By
Laura Howard
Digital Edition
Copyright © 2015 y Laura Howard
Cover Designed by Najla Qamber Designs (www.najlaqamberdesigns.com)
Table of Contents
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
About the Author
Other books by Laura Howard:
Dedication
For Jamie. You live on with us in spirit, always.
Chapter 1
My twin brother Jack was in a casket four feet from me. The smell of lilies and lady’s perfume had become unbearable hours ago. But I was too numb to care.
“You’re doing great, Mary Katherine,” Ben whispered in my ear. He’d traveled all the way from the University of Westminster in London to Moore Crossing, my hometown in New Hampshire, to be at my side.
Jack, like me, was twenty-one years old. Too young to die. He and some friends from college had been out bar hopping on Thursday night. Jack got behind the wheel at three in the morning after having way too much to drink. The car went off the side of the road and right into a tree. The friends who were with him, none of whom I’d met, all lived. Jack died before help even got there.
People approached me with damp eyes and wobbly voices. I’d been living with the death of my brother for four days, and I still hadn’t accepted it. I hadn’t shed a single tear.
He wasn't just my brother, but my best friend. Like the old twin cliché, we were two halves of one whole. Both of us were platinum blond and blue-eyed, practically identical. Yet seeing everyone’s pity made me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I just wanted this day to end.
I scanned the endless line of mourners for one in particular, although I would never admit it.
Jack and I had been inseparable until Noah Hunter moved to Moore Crossing when we were ten. Since I was too stubborn to let Jack have a friendship that didn’t include me, it was inevitable that our duo became a trio.
The funeral had started at ten a.m. It was nearly noon now, and there was still no sign of Noah's tousled auburn mop. I hadn’t seen him in seven months, but I was sure his hair hadn't changed. The last time I’d seen him was when I was boarding the plane to London.
A sharp pang hit me as I remembered my brother and Noah dropping me off at the airport security gate.
I’m at Jack’s funeral. I will never see my brother again.
Yet, the only thing I could think of as I stood there was how Noah and I hadn’t been in touch over the past three months. Not since the last cryptic email he'd sent.
I dread seeing you again.
I pushed that memory into the back of my mind, because that’s what I always did. Repress things.
My little sister Maggie nudged my side. I met her wide green eyes and followed her gaze until I saw the tall, beautiful girl with the perfect highlights.
Kelsey Randall. Jack’s high school sweetheart.
She was dressed impeccably as always. A group of her friends surrounded her, comforting her as she sobbed uncontrollably.
I looked back at my sister. Like me, her eyes were dry. How strange that out of this whole room my parents, my sister, and I were the only ones with dry eyes.
When Kelsey stood in front of me, her lips pulled down with pity, she burst into a fresh round of tears. Her arms came up around my neck as she told me how she couldn’t believe Jack was gone. I just rubbed her back and nodded.
I was actually consoling her.
We were friends once, Kelsey and I. She and Jack dated all through high school and she was at our house all the time. Even though we were very different, I didn’t actually mind hanging out with her.
But after they broke up, Jack told me the horrible things Kelsey had said about me behind my back. That I'd always made her uncomfortable because she couldn't tell when I was serious or joking. That I was jealous of her popularity.
I had promised Jack never to tell her I knew. But I wondered if his death made that promise void. When I looked at her now, I just felt disappointed.
Kelsey sniffed and pulled back. For two long seconds, silence hung heavy between us, but then her gaze flickered to Maggie and her lips did that trembling pity thing again. She let out another sob as she threw her arms around my little sister.
Maggie was definitely the nice sister. She was much better equipped to deal with Kelsey.
When I looked back at the approaching faces, my eyes locked with Noah's. How did he always manage to sneak up on me like that?
I hadn't meant to fall in love with him. For seven years he'd been my best friend, my partner in crime. But when Jack and Kelsey got together, it became Noah and me against the world. I somehow convinced him that we needed to be each other’s first before we went off to college. I reasoned that because we already loved each other, it was the perfect solution to the dilemma of being college virgins. What began as an experiment turned into something more—primal and intense. Instead of just one time, it became a habit. There wasn't supposed to be anything romantic about it. But eventually the lines of our relationship blurred.
He broke eye contact with me as he walked up to my father in the reception line. I watched as he extended his right hand for a shake. When their hands met, my father, an utterly practical man, fell to pieces. He’d been stoic all day, but the sight of my brother’s best friend was enough to break him.
Noah let go of Dad’s hand and wrapped his arms around him. They stayed that way for quite some time. When my father pulled away, he laughed a little and rubbed under his eyes. He appeared to be as surprised by his actions as I was.
My mother had handled the funeral arrangements with a little help from her anxiety prescription. She was very business-like. Nothing more than a one-armed hug and a mechanical nod for anyone. She could have been completing a transaction at the bank.
I understood how she felt, even though I didn't have anything in my system, other than maybe too many Jolly Ranchers. Learning to stifle emotions in public was a skill she had passed on to all of her children.
It just meant it would be ten times worse when she was alone. I was no stranger to that, either.
“Hello, I'm Noah.” The sound of his voice made me jerk to attention. He was shaking hands with Ben.
“Ah, I've heard all about you, mate,” Ben said, looking at me sideways.
I elbowed him in the ribs before he could embarrass me.
“Ouch, Mary Katherine,” Ben muttered.
Noah turned to face me. “Mary Katherine. I didn't know you went by that now,” he said. His hazel eyes burned into mine, leaving me speechless. As he pulled me into his arms for a hug I felt the stony wall of my self-control crack a little from the familiar smell of his aftershave.
After high school, Jack and Noah went to college at Burroughs to study architecture. My campus at Saint Mary’s was within walking distance. Sophomore year, the three of us moved in together. We shared an apartment happily for two years.
I shook myself and pulled back, blinking. “Thanks for coming,” I said. I'd repeated the exact same phrase to dozens of people tonight. With him it felt like an insult, and I regretted my words instantly. At this time last year he had been an unofficial member of our family. Now I was treating him just like anyone else.
The skin around his eyes tightened, just enough to let me know he felt burned by the slight. He looked down at his feet for a minute before he gathered himself enough to move on and pay his respects to my sister.
I was glad Noah could be mature. At that moment, I wasn’t sure I could keep t
he dam of my emotions closed. But this was Jack's funeral, and I would never forgive myself for causing a scene here. There was just too much history between Noah and me, and if he hadn't been the one to walk away, it could have been a disaster.
Things had begun to fall apart for us during our junior year of college. We got caught up with school-work and life. I thought it was just us being busy, exhausted with everything, and we'd bounce back after graduation. But soon we were just sharing a bed, nothing more. Sometimes not even that. Every time I tried to talk to him, to get him to open up to me, he brushed me off. It got to the point where I felt like my presence alone irritated him. Last spring an opportunity to join the journalism exchange program in London came up. It would be an amazing credit to my portfolio as a music journalist, but the idea of spending the entire year abroad was daunting. At first I applied just to get a reaction from Noah. I hoped it would be enough to get him to fight for our relationship. The last thing I expected was his complete indifference.
The rest of the funeral dragged on. But of course it's not enough to make the family suffer through endless lines of mourners at the wake and funeral. Oh no, tradition required the bereaved to throw a party for said mourners.
“I’ve never understood the purpose of this tradition,” Ben said in his lilting British accent as I drove to the restaurant where my family would be hosting hors d'oeuvres.
I snorted. “Damned if I know,” I said. The parking lot was filled with the cars of the bereaved and the hungry. I looked over at Ben and blew out a sigh. “Togetherness and all that.”
We both shrugged and got out of the car. The cool April wind blew my long hair around my face.
“It’s just a matter of time before you have to talk to that ex of yours, you know.”
I glanced back at Ben, who was a step behind me. “It's not like I'm avoiding him,” I replied. After all, he was the one who’d sent me that email in January after months of complete radio silence.
I dread seeing you again.
How was I supposed to respond to that? As painful as it had been, I'd reopened it a hundred times just to stare at it, unable to think of anything to write back.
“I'm a big girl, Ben. I can handle it.”
Ben just gave me one of his long-suffering looks. I must not have been very convincing.
The restaurant where my mother had booked a room for the reception was the same one I'd come to after church every Sunday until I started college. It was owned by a family who belonged to our church, the Monaghans.
Ben held the door open and I walked in, the warm air welcoming. The function room was on the second floor. I led the way, passing by tables of women in sweater sets with shopping bags gathered at their feet and men in business suits having their normal Monday lunch meetings. Everyone else's lives were carrying on as usual, while my world was crumbling in on me.
The double doors leading to the reception were held open by stoppers. As soon as we got to the top of the staircase I could see that nearly everyone from Moore Crossing had already shown up. Nobody could refuse a free meal and a part in the latest town tragedy.
As soon as I walked through the doors my parents' neighbor, Mrs. Pierce, approached me. She was a kind woman who’d lived next door to us my whole life. She wrapped me in her plump arms and rubbed my back. I was surprised at the strength of her embrace. When I pulled back, her eyes were red and tears spilled down her cheeks. As if she were too emotional to speak, she simply pursed her lips and shook her head sadly at me. I wasn't sure how to respond—or if any response was even necessary—so I just smiled weakly and patted her arm.
My parents were seated at a table in the corner of the room, surrounded by friends who all stood around with tight expressions, looking both awkward and sad. I could just imagine Jack laughing at the scene. This is my party, he'd say. Have a drink!
Ben took my hand and pulled me over to a table in the back, away from the fray. He pulled a chair out for me and gestured for me to take a seat.
“Do you remember that night in London,” he said, scooting his own chair close so he didn't have to shout for me to hear him. “That guy at The George kept following you around, trying to get your number. I swept you off your feet with my amazing kissing skills, didn’t I?”
I buried my face in my arms, trying to keep the sound of my overtired giggling from spilling out into the sea of sad faces. He was gay, but he’d put on quite a show to get that creep to back off. Ben had saved me from misery more times than I could count. When I lifted my head, I could see a pair of shiny patent-leather flats coming to my side.
I looked up into Kelsey's watery gaze. She must have thought I was sobbing rather than laughing. I chewed on my lower lip to keep from bursting into another bout of giggles.
“Oh Kate,” she said as Ben stood and offered her the chair next to me. She smiled and sat by my side. “How are you really doing?” she asked, wiping her finger under her eyes. “I just can't believe how strong you are. I am such a mess.”
“I'm about as good as you might imagine,” I said. That had been my go-to answer of the past four days, which I’d had to roll out hundreds of times.
“I just, I feel so bad for your parents. I mean look at them.” My eyes flickered to where they were seated, though I didn’t need her to tell me how my parents were feeling. Their stony masks of grief were still locked firmly in place. I knew they would do their grieving in private.
“And poor Maggie, she looks so lost,” Kelsey went on. My little sister stood across the room, nodding as an older man, I think he was my father's uncle, talked to her.
“Kate? Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?” Kelsey asked, glancing at Ben.
“Oh, right. This is Ben. He's a teaching assistant at the University of Westminster.”
“Hello, Ben,” she said, sniffing. “I'm Kate's friend, Kelsey.”
I couldn't stand the awkwardness. “Well, I’m thirsty. Anybody else?”
“Oh, you stay here. I'll go get you a drink,” Kelsey patted my hand and rushed away toward a waiter who was taking drink orders a few tables down.
Once she was out of earshot, I shook my head. “Sure, Kelsey. I'd love a water. Thanks for asking.”
“Refresh my memory. Is she your brother's old girlfriend?” Ben asked. The devilish smirk he was trying to conceal had twisted the corners of his mouth.
“Right. Try to hold yourself back.”
“Ah, yes. I will try to control myself, Mary Katherine.” That earned another chuckle.
“Is this seat saved?”
Noah stood beside a chair across the table.
I swallowed and shook my head. “No, go ahead.”
“I just can't believe you go by Mary Katherine now,” Noah said, running a hand through his hair.
Ben laughed. “She doesn't, really. She just puts up with me calling her that, because she knows she has no other choice.”
Noah's eyebrows shot up in surprise. He knew me. I wasn't the type to put up with just anyone calling me by my Catholic name.
“Noah,” Kelsey said as she returned to the table, three mimosas balanced in her hands. Noah stood and helped her hand out the drinks.
Kelsey looked around. “Is Danielle with you?”
“Ah, no. She's at the hospital. I didn't think bringing her would be...appropriate.”
“Danielle?” I asked. The uncomfortable look on Noah's face made me wish I’d kept my mouth shut.
“Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have said that,” Kelsey said, but her expression told me she was eating up my reaction to discovering that there was a new woman in Noah's life.
“You're dating a nurse?” I asked.
“Med student, actually.”
“Nice.” I meant it to sound purely conversational, but even I knew it came out clipped.
The expression on Noah's face told me he heard it, too.
I felt a drop of sweat trickle down between my shoulder blades. Suddenly it was all too much. This room was to
o full of people I didn't want around me, and it felt like it was closing in on me.
“Excuse me for a minute,” I said and pushed away from the table. I had no idea where I was going, but I ended up outside, on the balcony overlooking the park.
I leaned over the railing, breathing in gulps of the damp, cool air to ease the tightness in my chest. I would have done anything in that moment to have Jack by my side, bumping his shoulder against mine, telling me to put on my big-girl panties. Thinking about him helped ease the tension a bit. Just the idea of him being there brought me a strange feeling of comfort.
I heard the door behind me opening, and I didn't have to look to know it was Noah joining me on the balcony. Soon I felt him at my side, leaning on the railing like me.
“Hey,” he said. I knew he was waiting for me to look at him. But I couldn't. Not yet. “Sorry about that. I was going to tell you, I just...”
I laughed and waved my hand, brushing him off. “It's none of my business.”
“Why are you being difficult?” he said, turning to face me, forcing me to look at him.
“There was a time you didn't think I was difficult,” I said, a sneer in my voice. “You might have even said I was easy.”
He blew out a frustrated sigh and looked out over the balcony.
“So, you dreaded seeing me?” I asked.
He shook his head, gritting his teeth. “I knew that was a mistake. I had too much to drink the night I sent that email. You’ve got it all wrong.”
“Well, dumb it down for me.”
“What I meant was—I've been afraid of seeing you, because things would be different.” He shifted from one foot to the other and met my eyes. “And at the same time I was terrified they would be the same. You can't tell me you haven't thought about it."
I swallowed as I processed his words. I did think about it. All the time. But getting that email had felt like a huge slap in the face.
“I don't want to fight with you,” I said, sniffing a little. “I just – ”
“I know,” he said, reaching over and taking me into his arms. The beat of his heart against my chest was welcomed by mine, and the two slowly found their perfect harmony. “I really need my best friend right now.”
