by Laura Howard
"Can we go back to that? Can we be friends again?" I said, overrun by emotion.
“I never stopped being your friend, Kate.”
I pulled back and wrapped my arms around my middle. “So, are you going to introduce me to your woman?”
He frowned and turned to face the park. “Do I have a choice?”
I looked into the window of the room we'd just exited. I couldn't see anyone watching us, but I knew someone would notice eventually. “Not in this town.”
He looked down. “If this thing with Danielle gets serious, I promise I'll introduce you. It's just hard, you know?”
“To introduce her to your best friend and ex at the same time? Yeah, I get it.”
“You just did it yourself, right?”
“You mean with Ben?” I asked, surprised. “Ah, it's not like that.”
“Not serious?”
“You could say that,” I said, looking out at the pond in the park.
Lucky for me, he didn't push the issue. I didn't know why I was hesitant to tell him the truth about Ben. Perhaps letting him think we were together made it easier to bear the knowledge that someone else would be warming his bed that night. And my own bed would be nothing but cold and lonely.
“Listen, I'm sorry about all this with Jack.”
I looked up at him. “Why are you sorry? Did you force him to get behind the wheel that night?”
He sighed and looked away. “No. I keep thinking things might have been different if I had been there that night. I wish I could go back and change that. But he's been hanging out with a bunch of guys I don't really know. He hardly ever comes back to the apartment.” He paused and swallowed hard. “He hardly ever came back to the apartment.”
I shivered, unable to speak for a minute.
“So, I guess you'll be wanting our stuff out of the apartment.”
He looked down at me, his eyebrows drawn down. “Come on, Kate. You can't be serious.”
“What? I'm just trying to be realistic. I know how much you pay for rent. You’re going to need to get a roommate.”
“Can we not talk about that right now? I thought we were making progress.”
I sighed. “You're right, I'm sorry. It's just that...I haven't come to terms with all of this,” I waved my hand at the glass door to encompass the reception. “I don't know how to act. My parents always put on a public face, but at home they’re acting like Jack never existed, like they've erased him from their memory. Seeing some of his stuff would make me feel, I don't know—closer to him somehow.”
“You're always welcome back at the apartment,” he said, looking at me with an intense expression that made my heart beat faster. “You know that.”
I cleared my throat, feeling uncomfortable. “Ben will be wondering where I am. I should get back in there.”
His hazel eyes were sad, but there was a hint of a smile on his face. “Yeah, sure. Come on.”
The days after the funeral were filled with flower deliveries and casseroles from friends and family. My father spent his days in our basement, his prayer book in hand. My mother had gone back to smoking, even though she had finally quit three years ago. None of us really talked unless there was a pressing need.
Maggie was the only member of my family who seemed to be handling herself pretty well. When the doorbell rang, she was the one who greeted the company. She took the never-ending stream of phone calls, never slamming the receiver down once. Soon she even returned to her freshman-year classes at St. Mary’s, though perhaps it was partly an excuse to leave home.
Ben had booked a hotel room downtown, so I spent as much time there as I could, just watching movies and wondering what to do with myself. I only had a few weeks left in London. Then it would be time for me to come home for graduation. But I couldn't find the motivation to go back. I couldn't find the motivation to do much of anything. Thankfully Ben had my back, and he called the University to let them know I wouldn't be returning to complete the semester.
Late Thursday morning I walked into the kitchen of my parents’ house. My father was pulling ice packs out of the freezer and filling a small cooler with bottles of water.
“Going somewhere?” I asked as I pulled down a coffee cup from the cabinet. I put one of the little pods into the instant coffee maker and leaned back on the counter while it brewed.
“Your mother and I are going to the lake house for a few days. Maggie is thinking about coming, too.”
“Can't say I blame you.” The alert sounded on the coffee maker and I reached for my cup.
“We'll be back in time for church on Sunday.” My father closed the cooler and straightened. “Would you and Ben like to join us?”
My father was a kind man. But as much as he would never admit to it, I knew Ben's homosexuality made him uncomfortable.
“Oh, no. Ben is heading back to London on Saturday morning. He has an early flight.”
Looking somewhat relieved, my father nodded. “Claire! The car is packed. Are you all set to go?”
A few seconds later, my mother emerged from the bathroom with her toiletry bag hanging loosely from her hand. She didn't meet our eyes as she walked past us. “I think so. I'm just going to step outside before we leave.”
My father frowned as he watched her go. His hand came up to rub the bridge of his nose. For the briefest moment his facade of strength wavered.
“Where is Mags now?” I asked. I couldn't bear to see the raw look of suffering that had slipped across his face in that instant.
He stared blankly at me for a second before answering. “Oh, your sister is at her dorm. She said she'd probably meet us at the lake this afternoon.” He picked up the cooler and took it out to the driveway.
I went out behind him and waved as they backed out. My mother didn't even see me, but my father gave me a brief nod before shifting gears and driving away.
While I was washing my coffee cup in the sink, my cell rang. I dried my hands on my jeans before answering.
“I think you need to go out dancing tonight,” Ben said without any preface.
“Are you kidding?” I asked as I walked up to my old bedroom and sat on the bed. “What’s in the water at that hotel?”
Ben scoffed. “I am certainly not kidding. You've been sulking around all week, and while I hardly blame you, it’s time to go out into society again.
“We’ll check out the club scene downtown. And Kate, I'm determined to find you someone who will give you a good shag. There’s nothing quite so cheering.”
“Not a chance. Goodbye Ben.” I hung up on him, knowing I hadn’t heard the last of it.
Sure enough, my phone rang again a second later. “What is it now, Ben?” I asked.
“I know what I'm talking about. You need a good romp. Trust me.”
“Whatever you say. I’m still not going.”
When the phone rang again, I nearly screamed into the receiver. "For god’s sake, Ben, I do not want to go out clubbing and I do not need a good shag! If I did, I would take care of it myself.”
“Ah...I'm glad to hear you can see to your own needs, Kate. But this isn’t Ben.” Noah's smooth laughter caused my face to burn with embarrassment.
“Ugh, sorry about that. I was...you don't really want to know. How are you?”
“I'm okay,” he said, enjoying my discomfort.
I had to speak to cover up my embarrassment. “So, what's up?”
“Hmm? Oh, sorry, I was just imagining you taking care of your needs.”
“Okay, fantasy over. You were saying...”
“Oh, right. I was just calling to let you know The Judes are playing tonight at The Galway. Thought maybe you could use a night out.”
“Actually,” I said, thinking going to listen to the Beatles cover band sounded way better than dancing. “I'd really like that.”
“Great, it's a date then. Wait, no. Not a date…you know what I mean.”
I was the one laughing now, and I hoped with all my heart he was blushing.
“Don't worry, I get it. It's actually nice that you're the one putting your foot in your mouth for a change. Gives me a breather.”
“Okay, so I'll pick you up around 6:30?” he asked.
I didn't think him coming to pick me up from an empty house would be a good idea. “How about I invite Ben and we meet you there?”
“Okay,” he said, the slightest edge in his voice. “The Galway at 6:30 sound okay?”
“Sounds great. See you then, pal.”
Noah laughed and said, “Looking forward to it, buddy.”
Chapter 2
Things first started to change when we began our senior year of high school. Jack and Kelsey started to want more time alone, leaving Noah and me to observe the absurdities of life on our own. We frequently found ourselves apart from the fray, observing and dissecting the daily lives of our classmates.
Honestly, I don't know why Noah even bothered with me. He was like a chameleon, able to fit in with the popular crowd like Jack and Kelsey, but equally comfortable people watching with me at the edge of the cafeteria.
Somehow Jack and I convinced our parents that Kelsey was my friend. Little did I know how she really felt about me. My parents were very religious, and my siblings and I weren't supposed to “date,” as they called it. I would invite Kelsey over for sleepovers and Noah practically lived at our house on the weekends. After my parents were asleep, Kelsey would sneak into Jack's room and Noah would hang out in mine. That worked out fine for us; we would watch television or listen to music.
Until that January day when I proposed “The Experiment.” In the beginning, we kept the new, sexual aspect of our relationship to ourselves. We were strictly friends during the week. But on the weekends, we were free to explore and experiment with each other. My body was his to satisfy his every curiosity. His body was mine to manipulate and discover its reactions to my touch.
As anyone could have predicted, emotions we didn't want to face started seeping into our friendship. Jealousy flared when Noah found me dancing with another guy at a party. Or when I saw him smiling at a girl in the hallways.
Just after we admitted to each other that we’d become more than just 'friends with benefits,' another complication threatened to shatter us. I got pregnant. We were forced to reveal we were a couple to our friends and families.
My parents nearly disowned me, and for a long time Noah and I were kept apart. Even so, we decided to keep the baby.
After only five months our baby girl was stillborn.
“The Judes were the thing I missed most about home,” I said as we left The Galway and walked toward our cars.
“Okay, you just killed my ego,” Noah said.
“You know I didn't mean it like that.” I laughed at his attempt to look wounded.
“Whatever. The deed is done.”
I stopped walking when we reached the car I’d borrowed from my mother. I'd invited Ben to join us, but he'd declined and told me not to behave myself. When I pulled out the keys, Noah stuck out his palm in the universal stop signal.
“Wait, it's only 9:30. Do you want to grab a coffee or something?”
To be honest, I didn't want the night to be over yet. Even with all of the crap between us and the weight of Jack's death, being with Noah felt like slipping on a pair of comfortable slippers. And when we were together, it felt like Jack was somewhere nearby—just around a corner, perhaps, or in the restroom down the hall.
“Yeah, actually. I'd love a coffee,” I said.
Two streets over was a cafe owned by an older Indian couple. They stayed open until midnight, so it was a popular hangout for college students.
The rich smell of coffee and clove cigarettes greeted us when we walked into the cafe. Up front the owner was playing a little hand drum while his wife sang along.
We headed toward one of the cozy booths in the back. As I pulled my satchel over my head, Noah's cell buzzed. He tapped out a text and slid onto the bench across from me. I knew without asking who he was texting.
We sat quietly for a minute. I played with the fraying edge of the menu as I tried to think of something neutral to talk about before the silence got awkward.
“What were you up to last week, before all of this?” I asked.
He stroked the light stubble on his chin, considering. “Well, I guess I was hanging out at the apartment. Jack and those guys from school were there, the ones who were with him… They ended up going out to Murphy O'Grady's that night. I stayed home and watched a movie.”
I laughed bitterly. It sounded like such a normal night, but then again most nights that ended in disaster didn’t start that way. And it wasn’t what I really wanted to know.
“I just meant, how was school and all that kind of stuff?”
“Oh, right.” He was about to answer when his phone went off again. He frowned as he read the message, glancing up at me with a tight expression before sending off a text.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
Noah scrunched his face a little and licked his lips. “Yeah, everything's okay. That was just Danielle,” he said, looking down at the phone he still held in his palm. “I mentioned that I was hanging out here with you and she...she wants to join us. She'd like to meet you.”
I opened my mouth to reply, then shut it just as quickly. The truth was, I’d only asked him to introduce her to me because I wanted to know what she looked like. And I desperately hoped she’d be someone I could hold in contempt.
I regretted that now.
A shadow hovered over our table, and I looked up to see a vaguely familiar face staring down at me.
“Kate! Oh, Kate, I'm so sorry about your brother,” the waitress said. Her eyes were wet with held-back tears. I tried to place her face, but had successfully erased most of my high school classmates from my memory.
“You probably don't remember me. I'm Jill Provost. I don't wear my glasses anymore,” the girl said, rubbing just under her eyes where her glasses would have been.
“Oh, right. Wow, you look so different without your glasses,” I said, still not really remembering her, but hoping she would buy my fib. “Thanks, though. How are you?”
“I'm doing fine. Just been going to State and working here. It's my last night, actually.”
“Getting ready for finals?” Noah joined in, a tiny smirk playing on his lips as if he knew I had no idea who this person was. He probably did—he’d always been good at reading me.
“Yes, I'm so nervous! I can't believe we're about to graduate from college,” she said. Her face flushed a little as she spoke to Noah.
He really was good-looking, I thought as I watched her reaction to him. I was grateful that he’d distracted her. I wasn’t ready to talk about my brother…not with this stranger.
“But anyway, what can I get for you?” she said. She fumbled into her apron pocket to pull out a pad and pen.
“I'll just take a Colombian blend, black,” I said, handing her my menu.
“Same for me,” Noah said, passing her his menu.
“Okay, I'll get those right out,” she said and hurried away.
I burst out laughing as soon as she was out of earshot.
Noah's eyebrows shot up. “What?”
“Nothing,” I cleared my throat and put my fist over my mouth. “Jill seems to remember you pretty well, that's all.”
“Spare me,” he said, but his face was a little pink around the cheekbones.
He was about to say something else, but a petite brunette approached our table. Her shoulder-length hair was impeccably styled, and she was dressed in trendy, designer clothing. It would have been impossible for Noah to find someone more different than me. Was this what he had always wanted?
She slid in next to Noah, stretching up to give him a peck on the cheek. When she turned to face me, there was a huge grin on her face. It was like she was actually excited to meet me.
“Kate. I have heard all about you,” she said, and as she spoke I noted that her teeth were u
ltra-white. With her perfect hair and clothing, she wouldn’t have looked out of place in a toothpaste commercial.
I chuckled, ripping strips off the paper napkin in front of me. “And you still wanted to meet me?”
She laughed and looked up at Noah with that dazzling smile still in full force. Noah just widened his eyes at me.
“I've heard a lot about you, too,” I said, forcing a smile. Of course, it wasn’t exactly true, but I knew what was expected of me.
“What happened to the girls’ night out?” Noah asked. I laughed inwardly when I noticed he was tearing his napkin apart, too.
“Oh, Mom canceled. So my sister and I just decided to postpone it.”
Jill the waitress came over with our coffees and took Danielle's order for a Chai Tea.
“So, you two have been friends for a long time,” Danielle said, going straight for the jugular, whether she realized it or not.
“Yeah, since we were ten,” I said.
“Wow, I bet you could tell me some stories,” she said. For a second I wondered if she was being facetious, but there was no sign of it in her expression.
I coughed into my hand. “I may know one or two,” I said, looking directly into Noah's eyes, thinking of all the secrets we had shared.
“We should get together for some girl time. Wouldn't that be a riot?” she said with a giggle.
“Oh, that would be a riot!” I said with a forced grin, earning a swift kick in the shin from Noah.
“Would you excuse me for just a minute? I have to use the ladies’ room,” she said, standing and heading toward the restrooms.
Noah and I sat in silence for a minute or two. Then he met my eyes and shook his head. “I'm sorry, I know this is awkward for you,” he said. “It is for me, too.”
Before he could continue, our waitress came back with Danielle's tea and offered to refill our coffees.
“It's so nice to see that the two of you are still together,” she said as she poured. “Losing that sweet baby must have been so hard on you.”
