by Laura Howard
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m holding your hand,” he said, laughing. “What does it look like?”
“I mean, is this acceptable behavior for friends?”
“Friends hold hands. Besides, I think we missed out on the whole awkward dating phase of our relationship.”
“You mean by jumping into the sack when we were seventeen?”
“Yeah.” Noah laughed and smiled at me, but he didn’t let go of my hand, for which I was grateful.
We pulled up to my parents' house, and as I suspected, their car was already parked in the driveway. I pulled my hand free and stared at my feet for a minute before I reached for the door handle.
“You okay?” Noah asked.
“Yeah, fine. It’s just hard to be here.” I rubbed my hands over my face and tried to smile. “My mother’s like a zombie and my father...it’s just a mess.”
“I’m sure. Want me to come in?”
“No, but thanks.”
“Try to stay off that ankle and call me if you need to talk, okay?”
I smiled and nodded. “I, well...um, you know how I feel.”
“Likewise,” he said smiling that same bittersweet smile back at me.
I got out and walked into the house without looking back.
The door off the driveway opened onto an entryway. A small staircase led up to the kitchen or down stairs to the basement. From upstairs I could hear the television and from downstairs the low hum of talk radio. It was almost like any other Sunday for my parents.
Maggie’s bike was still in the driveway, and as I climbed up the stairs toward the kitchen I wondered when she’d be heading back to campus.
When I walked into the kitchen, my mother was sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar watching a cooking show on the little television on the kitchen counter. My sister sat at the dining room table, just off the kitchen, rummaging through a bunch of old photo albums that were spread out in front of her. Jack.
My mother glanced at me and made a face that might have been a smile or a grimace, I couldn’t quite tell. Maggie’s eyes lit up when she saw me.
“Hey Kate, remember this?” she asked, waving me over. She was holding up a photo of Jack and me in a recording booth. It had been taken at the beach. We’d paid to record a song that day, kind of like Karaoke, but there was a sound booth and we got to wear headphones, so to our eleven-year-old selves it was pretty amazing.
I laughed a little at the picture of the two blond kids singing their hearts out into a microphone. The song had been “Patience” by Guns & Roses. I wondered if I still had the cassette tape we’d brought home. I was almost positive it was up in my room.
A crash and some dragging sounds drifted up from the basement.
“What’s Dad up to?” I asked Maggie.
Without looking away from the album, she answered, “Looking for his extra bungee cord. He wants to go pick up Jack’s things from the apartment.”
My heart started to drum inside my chest as I imagined my father lugging all of Jack’s belongings into the garage. It felt like it was too soon for him to be thinking about kind of thing. But my father wasn’t the type to put things off. His way of dealing with grief was to do something he felt was constructive.
I decided to go to my room and lay down for a while. My ankle was feeling better, but it was still a little sore. As I started climbing the stairs the doorbell rang. I turned to see Maggie walking toward the door with an uncharacteristic scowl on her face.
I waited on the stairs to find out who was there. I heard her call down to my father that someone was there to see him. As soon as she returned to the table, I went to investigate.
“Who was it?” I asked.
She blew a breath out through her nose. Her jaw was tensed and she took a minute to answer me. “Jared Kingston. One of the guys who was in the accident with Jack. He and a couple of guys offered to help Dad. They probably feel guilty about what happened.”
“Does Noah know they’re coming?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Dad didn’t say. I can’t believe he’s letting them near Jack’s stuff.”
I went upstairs as fast as my sore ankle would allow and sent Noah a text.
My Dad is getting Jack’s stuff today. Did he call you?
I lay back on my bed and waited for him to get back to me. It was weird to see Maggie so angry. I didn’t know this guy Jared and hadn’t thought to ask Noah about him. It was strange to think of him being in the house with me, though.
He left a msg on the machine.
Maggie stomped up the stairs and I heard her talking to someone. “He has a lot of nerve showing up here.”
Nobody answered her, so I figured she was on the phone. I decided to just call Noah. He picked up before the first ring ended.
“So, a guy named Jared is here to help my father get Jack’s stuff and my sister is kind of freaking out. What’s the deal?”
Noah sighed. “Sounds like she’s been spending a little too much time with Kelsey. A few months ago Jack and Kelsey hooked up at a party at Matt Schettini’s apartment. They almost got back together, but Kelsey didn’t approve of Jack hanging out with those guys.”
I snorted out a bitter laugh. “Why the hell didn’t Jack tell me about hooking up with her?”
“Hey, don’t ask me. He didn’t say much to me about it either. I don’t think he really knew what he wanted. It was more of a one-sided thing. You know how she can be.”
“Okay, well. Good luck.” I hung up without saying anything else, though I knew I should offer to help get Jack’s things together. I almost did. But my lips couldn’t form the words. The idea of going through Jack’s belongings in front of a bunch of guys I didn’t know—a bunch of guys who’d maybe contributed to his death, however unintentionally—was appalling. My misery did not love company.
Chapter 6
Days went by and I felt like my life was in a state of limbo. I had no job, no school and nobody in my family was really talking to each other. My father kept himself busy doing odd jobs around the house and my mother hardly ate and barely spoke other than an occasional uh-huh or I don’t think so if someone approached her.
Most days the only thing to get me out of bed was a phone call from Noah asking me to come over and make him dinner. I didn't make anything too impressive, just easy meals like meatloaf and spaghetti and meatballs. We maintained our friends-only status, with only a few awkward moments popping up here and there.
One afternoon, I had just stepped out of the shower when there was a knock on the bathroom door.
“Kate?” Maggie said, sounding hesitant.
“Yup, I’ll be out in a sec.”
I dried off and slipped on my jeans and T-shirt. Twisting my hair up into my towel, I walked into my bedroom where Maggie sat on my bed waiting for me.
“Did you just get out of class?” I asked her.
She looked up. “Yeah. We got out early so we could go to Fall registration.”
“So what’s up?” I asked, eyeing the tray of coffees on the nightstand.
“Oh, I brought you a coffee. You like it black, don’t you?” she said.
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Yes, but you hate coffee.”
She waved her hand. “Oh, mine’s a hot chocolate.” She reached over and pulled a cup off the tray and handed it to me. “Drink it while it’s hot.”
“Thanks.” I took it, watching her over the top of the cup. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine. I just haven’t talked to you much lately.”
“All right, spill the beans. What’s going on?”
She exhaled. “It’s just that, well, I’m worried.”
I laughed. “Worried about what?”
“You,” she said, looking directly into my eyes.
I just looked at her for a minute. Then, wanting to escape her gaze for a moment, I went over to my old dresser and picked up my hairbrush. “Why would you be worried about me?”
<
br /> “You and Noah have been spending so much time together lately…” she began.
“That’s what this is about? Me and Noah?”
“Well, yeah. I can’t help thinking you’re avoiding the rest of us. You spend all your time with him. It’s like you don’t even care about what’s happening to your own family.”
“What? That’s ridiculous,” I said, louder than I’d intended.
“You were miserable over him before you went to England, and it’s like you’re falling right back into the same pattern.”
“What is this really about? Me and Noah spending time together or you being stuck dealing with Mom and Dad?”
“I don’t consider it being stuck dealing with them,” she said, her teeth clenching. “Have you forgotten what it was like for them when you and Noah got together the first time?”
“I can’t believe we’re actually having this conversation,” I said, shaking my head. “Mom and Dad are adults. So are Noah and I.”
“They lost their son. They need you.”
“And I lost my brother! Does that not count for anything?”
“He was my brother, too,” she whispered, turning away. “Just think about what I’ve said.”
I threw the brush on my bed and grabbed a few things off my bookshelf. “Oh, you can be sure I will.”
Later, I would regret storming off on my sister. But at that moment I saw red. How dare she act like I didn’t care about my family?
After stomping down the stairs, I went to the kitchen to find my mother. She was sitting on one of the bar stools watching an infomercial.
“Can I use your car for a few hours, Mom?” I asked.
She barely glanced up at me. “Okay.”
As I walked out to the driveway, I was still fuming. I shoved the key into the ignition, intent on getting to the one person who could help me forget.
I let myself into the apartment and tossed my keys into the ceramic bowl. Noah looked up from where he sat reading something on the couch. I barely noticed how sexy his tousled hair looked. I was on a mission.
“Hey,” he said, giving me a lopsided smile. “I was just about to call you.”
I marched over and straddled his lap.
His eyes widened, but he chuckled, unaware of my mood. “Hi there.”
Without speaking, I claimed his mouth with my own. He attempted to pull back, but when the tip of my tongue flicked his lower lip he made a low sound in the back of his throat and opened up for me.
I pulled his T-shirt up over his head, barely giving him a chance to breathe before I slammed my lips against his again. Any hesitation he might have felt evaporated as we continued to devour each other.
Noah stood from the couch, holding me firmly in his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me from the living room down the hall to the bedroom. Once he laid me down on the bed, he let out a relieved sigh.
“Nothing’s been right since you left my bed,” he said against my lips.
My only reply was to move my fingers down the soft hair of his abdomen toward the waistband of his pants. He fumbled with the buttons of my shirt, several days of pent-up frustration making him clumsy. Impatient, I brought my hands back up and pushed his away so I could undo the buttons myself. I needed to remove any physical barriers between us so I could lose the ability to think.
Noah gripped my hips and pulled his lips back from mine. He looked into my eyes and I could see indecision begin to cloud his features.
I shook my head and pulled his face back to mine, but he turned his head to avoid my lips.
“God, Kate. We need to stop.”
I opened my mouth and stared at him, my chest heaving. “Are you serious?”
“What is going on with you?”
“I thought you wanted this. Wanted me.”
“Damn it. Of course I want you. But we can’t, not now.”
“Please. Please don’t do this to me,” I said shaking my head, my lip trembling. “Not again.”
“It’s not…there is nothing I want more than this, but you know it’d be a mistake. You said yourself we're not ready for this. Not yet.”
“But I’m here and I want you. Please,” I said, pleading.
“Kate,” he whispered, and buried his face into the crook of my neck. “I am going to regret this, but I need to go.”
He stood and walked away from me, his back rigid, his head hung low.
“Where are you going?” I asked in horror.
“I’m going to take a shower,” he said without looking at me. “Please be dressed when I get back.”
I stayed there on the bed for a moment as I listened to the sound of the shower turning on. I felt hurt and rejected, but most of all I was angry. Once I gave myself a moment to collect myself, I got dressed. I couldn’t face Noah when he was done with his shower. I needed to escape.
I almost made it to the door.
“Where are you going?” he asked from behind me.
“Just let me go,” I said without turning around.
“I don’t understand what just happened,” he said. Putting his hand on my shoulder, he tried to get me to look at him.
I sighed. “Maggie and I had a fight. She said some things I didn’t like and…”
He succeeded in getting me to turn around. “And what?”
“I got really pissed. She said I'm acting like I don't care about my family… I needed to forget everything, just for a little while,” I said, looking down at the floor.
He wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on my head. “We can get past this.”
I let his warmth surround me, making me feel safe.
Finally he pulled back and took my hand, leading me to the couch where only twenty minutes earlier I had tried to seduce him. He sat me down beside him and pulled me back so my head rested between his chest and shoulder.
“Will you tell me what you and your sister were fighting about that got you so upset?”
“My parents,” I said and paused. “And you.”
“Me? Why were you fighting about me?” he asked, genuinely surprised.
“She thinks I’m avoiding my family by spending all my time with you.”
He stroked my hair. “And you disagree.”
“Of course I disagree. My parents can barely even look at me right now. The last thing they seem to want is more of me.”
“What about the other part? Do you think I’m monopolizing your time?”
“I’m an adult. I can choose to spend time with whomever I’d like. My parents know very well how to reach me. I mean, we all lost Jack. Why should I be the one putting in all the effort?”
“I’m not saying you’re wrong, but maybe she has a point.”
I bolted up and looked down at him. “You’re not serious.”
“Listen before you jump down my throat,” he said, putting his hands up in defense. “I just don’t want to be the one to drive a wedge between you and your family.”
“You know that’s not what’s going on,” I said.
“Well,” he said, pulling me back against him. “I’m proud of us. We were able to stop before things went too far.”
“You were able to stop. I was ready to keep going.”
“Trust me, it wasn’t easy. I’m just glad it was me you came to see.”
I swallowed and we just sat in silence for a few minutes. “Where does this leave us?” I asked, staring at my hands.
“I don’t think we were ever really “just friends,” do you?”
I shrugged. “I guess not.”
“I guess we’re kind of in limbo. But, you know what the great thing about limbo is?”
“It’s fun to play at parties?” I said, deflecting.
He laughed. “It doesn’t last forever.”
“I was close.”
“My point,” he said, ignoring me. “Is that we can move beyond this.”
“And where is that, I wonder?”
“Maybe this is the way no
rmal people do relationships?”
I snorted. “God, I hope not.”
“So, do you think less of me because I said no?
“No.” I shook my head. “As much as I don’t like admitting it, it was probably the right thing to do at the moment.”
“Hmm. Playing hard to get really does work.”
“I guess I wouldn’t know.”
He kissed the top of my head. “I like being your man.”
“Is that what you are?”
“I’d like to think so. I’m pretty sure we’re just fooling ourselves pretending otherwise.”
I nodded, feeling the same. “We’re going to take our time and do it right this time, though?”
“As long as it takes,” he said. “You’re worth it.”
“But listen here. Next time I won’t take no for an answer,” I teased.
“I promise I won’t say no,” he said. “Come here.”
He lifted my chin and kissed me softly on the lips.
We decided to celebrate our newly upgraded relationship status by going out for dinner. Noah would pick me up at my parents’ house after I took my mother’s car home and changed clothes.
Everything was how I’d left it at home, except for one thing. Maggie’s bike was gone. My mother still sat watching television in the kitchen, barely acknowledging my return.
As I headed upstairs, my phone rang. I looked down to see Ben’s name on the caller ID.
“Well, hullo thar matey,” I said in my worst British accent.
“I find that terribly offensive, you know,” he said and I could see the snide expression as clearly as if he had been in front of me.
“That offends you? Really? What about the other day when you told me all I needed was a ‘good shag’?”
“I was just stating the obvious,” he said, clearly not moved. “So is the ex making a comeback?”
“We’re working on being friends first,” I said, opening my closet to see if I had anything decent to wear. Most of my clothes were in heaps on the floor.
“Right, and I have a boner for Angelina Jolie.”
I snorted. “I’m serious, Ben. You know we have a lot to work through.”
“All right, love. Just be sure to let me know when you decide to go steady, will you?”
