Animal Instinct

by Kate Davidson

  “Liam,” she breathed.

  Sofie didn’t hear her. She had picked up the phone and was trying to calm a hysterical Izzy. “Dead? Who’s dead, Izzy? Look, I can barely understand you. Just take deep breaths and try to calm down…” Jackie stared numbly at the T.V., heard Sofie’s words and slowly lowered herself onto the couch. Ice was eating up her insides. Harsh, sharp ice that seemed to hack at the recently discovered love she had found for Liam and made her ache.

  She didn’t need to see the shocked expression on Sofie’s face to know what had happened. She could feel it.

  Liam was dead.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  JACKIE CHASE WAS A responsible adult woman. As such, she had taken out insurance for every possible disaster. She had insurance against fire, earthquakes, floods and every other kind of imaginable natural cataclysmic event. When she had owned her horses they had all been insured as well. She believed in preparing for the worst, no matter how unlikely the worst might be.

  It was achingly ironic that Liam was, once again, the exception to one of the rules that governed Jackie’s life. She remembered saying those words to her father not so very long ago with a deep sense of bitter pain. She felt as though she should have known better. To be fair, the likelihood of Liam dying had seemed miniscule. He was an immortal. He’d been alive over five hundred years. How could he die?

  Beheading would have done the trick. She’d known that and Izzy confirmed it. She had come over shortly after she’d called about the fire to talk to all of them and explain. Sarah had not been included in that discussion. They all agreed it was better not to tell a child under ten that monsters under the bed were real. Jackie hadn’t deluded herself into thinking she would be able to keep Liam’s death a secret. Sarah had gotten attached to him. She would have noticed if he suddenly vanished with no explanation. When Sarah had run into the living room in her riding britches, excited for her next lesson, Jackie had to sit her down and explain what happened. She doubted she’d ever killed anyone’s happiness so thoroughly. So now while Izzy had been explaining to the adults, Sarah was sleeping the sleep of one who had cried themselves into exhaustion. Jackie had held her through those tears and was still shocked by the fact that she had not cried. It was as if she were waiting for someone to hop out and proclaim it all one massive, tasteless joke.

  “Fire and vampires are a bad mix,” Izzy had told them in Jackie’s deathly quiet living room. She had looked pale and shaken. If she had suddenly collapsed, Jackie would not have been surprised. “Something about them is just more flammable than regular humans. I don’t know why. It was just one of the things we were told when we became donors.” One of the things everyone but Jackie was told.

  It stung her to remember how blissfully unaware of the details of vampire life she’d been. She had thought she knew the essentials and all the rest wasn’t her concern. Even when she’d nearly been killed, she’d thrust the responsibility of taking care of the threat on Liam because the mess was a part of his world, not hers. That struck her as terribly conceited now. Jackie had claimed to love Liam but she hadn’t known much about him. She didn’t know where he was born or who his parents were or any of the places he’d lived during his long life. Knowing his life story by heart would be unrealistic, considering the length of it, but she should have known at least a few things. The more she thought of what she didn’t know, the more she realized that it was impossible for her to actually be in love. The only possibility was that she was in love with the idea of Liam. She was barely familiar with the reality. That was more than apparent.

  According to Izzy, more people than Liam had been murdered in the fire that had consumed his home in the hills. People she had probably met at the party. Maybe even those silly girls who had been so full of themselves. They could all be ashes now, cut down in their prime. She didn’t feel guilty about the lack of emotion she felt for those anonymous souls who lost their life. Even if she’d met them, she hadn’t known them. She couldn’t force herself to grieve. She could barely force herself to accept the reality of the situation.

  Of course it had all been murder. It was glaringly obvious that the fire had been set deliberately. Houses that contained vampires never accidentally caught fire. They were all too paranoid for something as careless as an unattended candle. A few assistants had died along with a donor or two. No one could be sure until their remains were found. But Liam’s remains would never be found. Jackie had numbly absorbed the news that even his bones would be reduced to pure ash. There was nothing left of him except dust.

  Sofie and Izzy had been so attentive to her. They’d been on hand with comfort food, calming music and a box of tissues that they were sure would be needed at any moment. Any moment Jackie would break out of her state of numbness and weep herself into a coma just as Sarah had. They were so prepared for it that even Jackie thought it was inevitable.

  Now it had been exactly twenty-four hours since she’d gotten the news that the man she had so recently discovered she’d loved was dead. There had been no welling of tears in her eyes, no gasping sobs or other signs of grieving. Jackie was sitting on the floor of her office, diligently scrubbing tack with soap and oil. She had left the riding to Sofie today since she was concerned that the numbness that had conquered her might interfere with her reflexes while working with the horses. She’d also decided that there was no good reason for Sarah to curl up and suffer alone in her room with her bloodshot eyes that looked more haunted than the Tower of London. Jackie couldn’t think of a better time for a little mindless work so she had her cleaning up after the horses in the hopes that she’d work out a little of the grief.

  “Hey,” Sofie called, knocking softly on the doorframe. “You okay in there?”

  “I’m peachy. Just thought I’d do something constructive,” Jackie replied, gesturing to the saddle she was polishing to a high mirror shine. “How was Ultrano today? Yesterday he was giving me fits about doing a leg yield on a circle - ”

  “Jackie, you know you can talk to me, right?” Sofie interrupted, looking bewildered and almost hurt. Jackie stared up at her and mirrored the bewilderment.

  “I thought I just was.”

  “About Liam. I know it’s got to be tearing you up and you’re trying to be strong anyway. But you don’t have to, okay? I’m here for you. I don’t need you to be strong right now. None of us need you to be strong. You just lost someone you deeply cared for and you’re entitled to a breakdown.”

  “Then I’m going to have to get a rain check because I just don’t feel it,” Jackie said. “I know I should feel devastated. I know I should be crying my heart out. The fact that I can’t is as confusing to me as it is to you. I can hardly feel anything, Sofie. It’s like some part of me is frozen and all the emotion I had for Liam is in that block of ice where I can’t touch it. I don’t know why.” She stared at the glistening saddle before meeting the German’s sympathetic, if confused, gaze. “I keep expecting to see him. I know I won’t. Hell, I don’t even have a picture of him. But no matter what my head is saying, I can’t convince myself that he’s not going to appear at any moment with a smart-ass comment or sleazy innuendo. It’s like I don’t believe he’s dead.”

  “Oh, Jackie,” Sofie whispered. She sat down on the floor beside her best friend and wrapped her in a tight hug. Jackie hugged her back, wishing she didn’t feel so empty. She had been Liam’s lover, his sort of girlfriend. She should require comfort.

  Worst of all, she could not even feel guilty for this lack of grief. It was as she’d said. All the emotions tied to Liam had simply gone missing. The only time she’d even been able to stir up a hint of guilt was at the passing thought that without a vampire in her life things might go back to normal. She hadn’t really believed that and the emotion had faded as soon as it had appeared. It might have been disbelief that Liam could die that was doing this to her. She’d gotten up that morning, dressed, eaten a tasteless bowl of cereal and gone to work in a nearl
y comatose state. It had to be that she was still in the denial stage of grief. Thinking that the love she’d felt for him was so easily destroyed made her ill.

  “Is Sarah still mucking out stalls?” she asked. Sofie sniffled and managed a weak laugh.

  “Yeah, she’s really gotten into it. I think she’s made it her mission in life to make this the cleanest barn in the state. It’s like each shovelful of manure is some kind of personal insult.” Jackie gave her friend a slight smile. It was the closest she’d gotten to a grin all day. It might have been brighter if she didn’t feel like a terrible person for not being able to feel the same hurt that her daughter felt.

  “That’s good to hear. She needs something to concentrate on aside from the people she’s lost. Speaking of which, why don’t you go and concentrate on the horses while I concentrate on all the bits of leather that haven’t been cleaned recently.”

  “Between you and Sarah, this place will be spotless,” Sofie joked.

  Jackie was grateful that her friend didn’t protest. It seemed like she realized that until her state of numb disbelief faded nothing could comfort her since she did not yet need comfort. It was like using an umbrella indoors. There wasn’t much point.

  About twenty minutes later Jackie had moved on to cleaning the bridles when she heard decidedly masculine footsteps that halted just outside her door. She paused, heart leaping into her throat as she wondered if somehow she’d been right. If maybe, possibly, against all evidence to the contrary Liam hadn’t been in his house and now he was there to see her.

  “So this is the woman who had Liam O’Connor spellbound. I can’t see the attraction,” a cold, cultured voice said.

  Her heart froze over and dropped despairingly back into her chest. Jackie turned to see Gregory Crawley, in all his tanned movie star-esque glory, smugly leaning against her doorframe. “You’re on private property, Mr. Crawley. If you leave now I won’t call the police.” There was not a trace of emotion in her voice. After all she’d been through, Crawley’s presence was hardly enough to rouse her disgust, much less her anger. This seemed to unnerve him. Apparently he’d expected a bigger reaction.

  He recovered quickly enough and offered a smile that might have been charming if not for the menace in his eyes. “Now, now, Ms. Chase, you might want to consider being a little polite. O’Connor is dead, after all. You haven’t got any other protectors waiting to defend you from the big, bad world. I could make your life very difficult,” he pointed out, the truth of that statement clearly delighting him.

  Jackie very slowly and deliberately set down the sponge she had been using. Then, completely ignoring Crawley, she carefully dried her fingers on a nearby rag. Her thumb was still smudged with black polish from when she’d been tending to her show boots but it didn’t bother her. She just hadn’t wanted her fingers to be dripping with saddle soap. “So you assume now that Liam O’Connor has passed on I’m defenseless?” she asked, not even bothering to look up as she inspected her nails.

  Crawley stared at her irritably. This meeting wasn’t going the way he’d wanted it to go. When he’d found out about O’Connor’s death his first thought had been of revenge. He wanted Jackie Chase to be shaking with terror now that he could dismantle her life without having to worry about any powerful guardian covering her ass. He wanted her to beg him not to make her existence hell. Instead, the damn woman wasn’t even bothering to look at him.

  “Face facts, Ms. Chase. The only reason you’re doing so well now is because O’Connor swooped in and saved you. Without him you’re just the damsel in distress again.” He didn’t see the flash of rage in her eyes.

  “I have never in my life been a damsel in distress. I deal with creatures who weigh over a thousand pounds on average and could very easily crush my bones if they get it in their head to do so. Yet I’m still standing here, making a life for myself. Liam made it easy for a little while but don’t delude yourself into thinking you would have ever kept Sarah. She was lost to you and your pathetic wife the second I knew you were abusing her. You just didn’t know it yet.” If Jackie’s eyes hadn’t looked like chips of ice or if her body hadn’t been stiff with restrained violence, Crawley might have had something clever to say in response to her accusation. He was frozen, staring for the first time in his life directly into the face of a woman’s fury.

  Jackie was almost shaking with rage. Crawley’s words had touched a nerve and made her face some unattractive facts. She had let Liam make her life easier whenever the opportunity arose. Hell, she’d even failed to be really curious about the ‘Left Hand’ because she knew Liam would take care of it. She had begun to depend on him in every crisis. In exchange for peace of mind and sex, she’d let her independence slip away. It absolutely infuriated her. “You’re going to have to wait for my death to ever see me helpless because until the breath leaves my body I will never stop fighting. Now get the hell off my property.”

  “You think you’re not vulnerable,” he sputtered, beginning to take a few steps back and out of her office. “Anything could happen to you, Chase. Your new little daughter has a habit of bringing death to the people who love her.”

  Jackie surged forward, ready to beat Crawley to a pulp out in the aisle where all the horses could see her. Instead she witnessed one of the manure shovels, wielded by Sarah, smash Gregory Crawley in the face. The sound of shattered cartilage echoed through the barn as the injured man clutched the fountain of blood that used to be his nose.

  “You little bitch!” he snarled.

  “Get out!” Sarah hissed, her pale face telling Jackie that she was on the verge of collapse. She took the shovel out of the child’s grip and set it on the ground before wrapping a supportive arm around her body.

  “Very well said, Sarah. You are more than welcome to leave now, Mr. Crawley.”

  “I’m pressing charges,” he threatened.

  Jackie just laughed. “For what? Just because you were silly enough to walk into a door doesn’t make me liable. I saw you turn and hit your nose myself. Sarah saw it, too.” Sarah nodded quickly and Jackie smirked. “Go home now before you trip and give yourself a concussion.”

  Crawley stared at her in disbelief. There was nothing he could do. No matter his power, he’d never be able to prove anything in court without a witness. He scowled at the woman and the child that used to be his, cursed them and stalked out of their sight.

  “Sorry,” Sarah murmured after her former stepfather left. Jackie shook her head.

  “He broke your glasses. You broke his nose. I think that’s fair.” She kissed the trembling child’s forehead. “Now go inside and watch some stupid cartoon. Forget about all this. I’ll take care of it.” Sarah nodded. Sitting and doing nothing sounded awfully good. She ran to the house, happy to escape.

  Jackie walked at a more subdued pace. She exited the barn to stare up at the sky. It had gotten cloudy and gray. Rain was headed their way. Shaken from rage and the shock of seeing Sarah attack a grown man, she took deep breaths while she stared up at the threatening sky.

  Then suddenly, she couldn’t breathe. Jackie felt dirt filling her mouth and clinging to her skin as she fought against the hard pressure of the earth. Finally her hand broke into the open air, quickly followed by her head. There was nothing in her mind except the need for freedom and… hunger. She hungered. If she didn’t feed, she would die.

  Jacquelyn.

  “Liam,” she gasped out once she could finally breathe again. She’d fallen to her hands and knees and her whole body was trembling. God, she could still taste the soil in her mouth. Jackie wanted a moment to sit and think about what had just happened. A hallucination about being buried alive was no small thing. But the minute she heard Liam’s voice in her head, the numbing ice that had blocked her emotions for him shattered and everything flooded back. She remembered what it felt like to hold him and laugh with him and love him in a way she’d thought she’d never love again. Above all of that, however, was the ab
solute need to find him. Immediately.

  She started running. Her car keys were in her office and her truck was just outside her house. She needed to move as fast as she possibly could. Jackie blatantly violated the speed limit as she raced to the charred ruins of Liam’s house. On average it took her about forty minutes to reach Liam’s house. It was Saturday afternoon and all the traffic was headed in the opposite direction so with breaking the speed limit and a lack of traffic she made it in twenty. When she got out of the car, she still felt she’d taken too long. If she’d been thinking properly she would have realized how strange it was that there was no one there at what was so clearly a crime scene. Later she would conclude that the vampire community probably had people of their own to deal with that sort of thing. Just then she was being compelled by something she couldn’t fight even if the concept of fighting had occurred to her.

  His body was at the center of it all, somehow lying above blackened planks of wood and ash. The house had collapsed with him inside yet he was on top of the wreckage. Smoke was still thick in the air and it made it hard to see anything very far above the ground. It also irritated her lungs and made her cough. Covering her mouth, she considered the charred remains. She had to be careful as she picked her way through the debris or she was liable to hurt herself. Then who would help him?

  “Liam,” she called out, wondering if he was too far-gone to hear her. Then again, he’d apparently recovered from being burned to death. He might just be taking a small nap for all she knew. The closer she got the more she saw of his naked body. He had not healed completely. There were ugly burns across his chest and arms. She couldn’t see his legs well under his ashy blanket. Jackie remembered what Izzy had said about even the bones turning to dust. How much healing had he done in the twenty-four hours since he’d been unofficially declared dead?