Love and Robotics

by Eyre, Rachael

  Yumi was sleeping sitting up. “Gives you more interesting dreams,” Dot clarified. Despite the late hour she was working on a woolly duck.

  Claire had thought she looked normal. Apparently not. “You okay?” her new roommate asked.

  “Just nervous.”

  “You’ll be fine. Don’t let that knob jockey get to you.”

  She smiled gratefully. “Night, Dot.”

  “Mind the bed bugs.”

  After a few hours’ sleep Claire was up and about. Bunty flitted around, recording everything she saw - they had to stop her from hanging out of the window and filming the pistons. Ash wailed at all the forms they had to fill in - “What does this mean?”- and Dot did her best to help. Mona staggered in wearing dark glasses, her conversation terse monosyllables. Yumi ate everything she could lay her hands on, smothering it with sauce.

  Ash was right to be anxious. Once they had finished the forms, Sienna pulled each of them into a side room. After sprucing them up with a comb and ticklish powder compact, she clicked on her speakerstick.

  “What can you bring to the competition? Don’t mind Jay Cee. He’s just observing.”

  They must have been called in order of entry. Claire was last. Although they’d listened in with Bunty’s recording equipment, her brain froze.

  “It’s alright, sweetie. Take your time.”

  Her mouth felt like it was full of glue. After a swallow and deep breath she became unstuck. “I was at a crossroads in my life and thought, ‘Why not?’” It sounded totally fake but Sienna seemed satisfied. “I wanted an adventure.”

  “What do you think of Josh?”

  Claire’s cheeks glowed. “He’s nice.” As if that came anywhere near expressing how she felt.

  Jay Cee nodded and said that would do. She felt as though she’d let herself down. As though she’d let Josh down. Pinning on her perkiest smile, she went outside. The others gave her a big thumbs up.

  After a curry buffet, Claire nodded off. She wasn’t sure what woke her up - perhaps the drop in temperature. Her face was stuck to the sofa. Somebody had put a blanket over her.

  “Jay Cee says we’re nearly there,” Ash said.

  The Golem had left the tracks altogether; now it skimmed across a shining stretch of water. A mile ahead lay an island, wooded and rocky, a solitary building peering over a cliff. Its grey stone and gables made it look ancient but the windows bore the CER logo. Before Claire had time to gather her thoughts they came to a jarring stop.

  “Come on, guys!” Jay Cee yelled. He handed each girl her luggage. Sienna had been caught napping - she was scrubbing off a fluorescent face mask and cucumber slices.

  “Call that a landing?” she griped. “I’ll bust Piotr’s ass when I see him!”

  “I just work here,” Jay Cee shrugged.

  He put his fingers into his mouth and blew two short, sharp blasts. Claire thought he was just showing off but the whistle was taken up on another part of the island.

  “At least he hasn’t done a bunk,” Sienna said. “C’mon ladies, get a move on.”

  Dragging a suitcase up a muddy, gritty hill is no mean feat. Claire wished she had worn different shoes. She was sleepy, chilled and apprehensive. For the first time she realised how isolated she was, how nobody could help if she was in trouble. Several bumps and grazes later they congregated on the porch. Sienna tried to press the doorbell but couldn’t manage with her claws.

  Jay Cee punched it. “Get down here, you dozy tin opener,” he called.

  The door swung open. Josh stood on the doorstep. As his gaze swept over the group his expression was blank, no glimmer of recognition.

  Maybe it was the disappointment. Maybe it was the jug of blueberry wine she’d had at lunch. Whatever the cause, Claire opened her mouth to speak - and showered Josh, and everybody else, with lumpy blue liquid.

  In the seconds before she passed out, her only thought was: If Mum sees this ...

  When she woke two hours later she was at a loss. A spacious white room with ebony beams, a big brass bed, a shower pod. It was grander than any room she’d slept in. Then memory hit with a wallop. She was bound to be kicked off the show. She threw the covers over her head.

  “She’s up!”

  Footsteps. She felt the boards quiver as one person, then another, came into the room. She recognised Bunty’s springy step, Dot’s shuffle. Curiosity got the better of her; she lowered the quilt. They gathered around the bed.

  “Fuck me, Claire. That’s some way to say hi,” Yumi said.

  Dot touched her hand. “Are you okay?”

  Claire felt her forehead and chest. The mystery illness had vanished as quickly as it had appeared. “Must be somethin’ I ate.”

  Ashley looked down at her slippers. “Um, not really. It was Mona.”

  “What?”

  “Honestly, none of us knew.” Bunty’s eyes were wide and scared. “She had a bottle of stuff in her case. She planned to pick us off one by one.”

  “Jay Cee’s hopping mad,” Dot went on. “He shoved her on a craft back home - had everyone’s bags checked, in case they wanted to try any funny business.”

  “Jay Cee?” The more she heard, the less sense it made.

  “He was meant to be undercover, but this forced it out,” Yumi explained. “He’s the head of Gizmo Productions. He gave Sienna hell, saying she should’ve been more thorough with her checks.”

  “How did you find out?” Claire couldn’t imagine Mona being thick enough to tell anyone. “Did you catch her?”

  “There’s somebody who can explain,” Dot said. “He wants to talk to you.”

  Now she was sitting up, Claire could see the doorway. Josh had his hand on the frame, waiting to be invited. “Hi,” she said, feeling weak and fluttery.

  The room emptied. She budged up to give him more room but he pulled over a chair.

  “You know how to make an entrance,” he said. “Good thing there weren’t any Daves.”

  Was he laughing at her? No, that shy smile wasn’t at her expense. “I’ve never been so embarrassed.”

  “Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I can’t believe Mona. I knew she was an arsehole, but not a nasty arsehole.”

  “I didn’t know girls swore.”

  “Wait till Yumi gets goin’.”

  “I’m looking forward to it,” he said drily. “I wasn’t there when Mona was selected. Sienna must’ve made a mistake.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Josh was wary, uncomfortable. “I know when people are dishonest.”

  “You read people’s minds?”

  “Not exactly. I see past any trickery.”

  “It sounds great.”

  “It isn’t really. It makes people not want to be around you.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true.”

  It was the first sign of vulnerability he’d shown. Rather than put her off, it made her like him all the more.

  “When you passed out everybody went to help. Jay Cee caught you, Bunty tried to revive you. Everybody was doing something except Mona. She was standing there, a smile on her face. It only lasted seconds but it was enough. I asked permission to leave and went through her luggage.”

  “Aren’t our things, you know, private?”

  “She had broken the rules. She’d lost the right to privacy.”

  “You exposed her in front of all those people?”

  “I don’t understand.” A flat statement of fact. “She poisoned you. Why should I protect her?”

  “Because -” What about her feelings? She knew it sounded idiotic.

  “I did what I thought was right.” He stood up, his movements mechanical. “If I was wrong, I accept your criticism, but I won’t say I’m sorry.”

  The fellow feeling of moments before had gone. She saw the pointlessness of her quest. She loved a man without a brain or heart. Even if she won, it would only be an imitation of love. He couldn’t feel the way she did.

  “I�
�m not well,” she heard herself say. “Please let me sleep.”

  “I’ve hurt your feelings.”

  “Believe me, you haven’t.”

  If he knew she was lying, she didn’t care. All she wanted was to hide under the bedding and make it go away.

  Claire wondered why, in the weeks that followed, she didn’t go to Jay Cee and say, “I’ve changed my mind.” He would swear and tug his hair, perhaps, but he wouldn’t keep her against her will. It wasn’t the thought of Sienna’s disappointment. It wasn’t even the girls, who, despite the gulf in class, interests and personalities, were turning out to be the best friends she’d had.

  There was no use in denying it. It was Josh. She could tell herself: “He’s a machine,” point out that any feelings he had were programmed. Remind herself he was different and didn’t belong, from the stilted way he held a cup to his ignorance of emotions. He knew everything and nothing.

  But Claire was a girl, with a girl’s weaknesses. She was very young for her age. She had never owned a home, never dated for longer than a year, never made a mature decision. She saw in Josh all the qualities she wanted to see. The perfect man straight out of the box. He wouldn’t be like other boys. He wouldn’t cheat or fall out of love. He wouldn’t compare her with an impossible collage: this girl’s head on that girl’s body.

  She couldn’t have put it in as many words. She only knew that when he spoke she listened, when he looked at her she blushed, if he touched her she started. She thought of him as she brushed her hair in the mornings, as she daydreamed in the evenings. She was sure it must be there for everyone to see.

  She wished she knew how he felt. There were times when she thought she caught a flash of interest, that he liked her more than the others. The time they had to make soufflés, hers was a shoddy mess. She was going to shove it in the bin when he whispered, “Wait.” He swapped her disaster with a light, fluffy dish that earned top marks. Or when they discovered they had similar taste in books. She lent him Our Robotic Romance, which he devoured. He was oblivious to the anvil sized hint but seemed keen to discuss it with her. He found Algernon drippy. “A real man is exciting,” he insisted. “Unpredictable.”

  “Do you know many real men?” she asked, amused.

  He started talking about Jennifer instead. “She reminds me of you.” She was flattered.

  He’d ask her opinion, find ways to include her in activities, but how would she know if he fancied her? She’d prefer love, but fancying was a start. Many boys couldn’t tell the difference.

  On the second day of filming, a group of handsome young men were parachuted in. Jay Cee dubbed them “Sienna’s Studs.” Once Claire would have considered herself lucky to be in the same time zone as them. She knew one was called Abdul and another Chris, but otherwise they blurred into one, all teeth, tans and pecs.

  While the girls carried out tasks, Jay Cee and Sienna acting as judges, the boys helped where they could. The day they had to create a dance routine, it was Bunty’s turn to partner Josh. Claire’s Stud was called Tim. He was posh and wet.

  They were each given a theme. Claire and Tim, as first up, had Holiday. They’d clearly run out of ideas when they reached Bunty and Josh. Their theme was Robot.

  If Bunty had a failing, it was her temper. She showed him a few steps but he struggled to pick them up. While she rolled her head and swung her arms, Josh revolved on the spot.

  “You’re a bloody artie, aren’t you?” she snapped. “You work it out!”

  She regretted it immediately - “Sorry, I didn’t think”- but he had already disappeared.

  “Is this an effing conspiracy?” Jay Cee stormed. “You two are disqualified. Yumi and Chris win -”

  “I don’t think he’s coming back,” Sienna said. She had better knowledge of his moods than the others. “Still think we should’ve brought some Daves.”

  “Hell, no! Those pocket knives give me the creeps.” As Sienna glared - nobody criticised ‘her boys’ - he clapped his hands. “If we lose the little bugger, CER’ll have my butt. A prize to the first to find him!”

  Claire was doing her umpteenth circuit of the woods. She’d shaken off Tim, who was no use at all, and hadn’t seen or heard the others for an hour.

  “Josh?”

  Why was she wasting her breath? If he didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be. Probably he could do something weird and robotic, like roll up like a hedgehog.

  The stream sounded close. It had twisted out of reach for the whole time, but now she could have sworn she was on top of it. Looking up, she stopped, humbled. A weeping willow, shading to burnt gold, rippled above her head. It was the most beautiful thing she had seen.

  The most beautiful natural thing. As she passed through the tendrils she saw Josh. She was going to call out but he put his finger to his lips. “Are you okay?” she asked as she sat beside him.

  The face that turned to her was blanched and close to tears. Could robots cry? She didn’t know.

  “I know she didn’t mean it,” she persisted. “Bunty’s a nice girl, even if she is related to Jerry Etruscus. Why did you run away?”

  “It gets a bit much at times.”

  “Are you homesick?” She’d seen pictures of CER, thought it must be like living in a theme park, but he must feel some sort of loyalty towards it.

  “It’s not that. It’s -” He was stuck. “Everyone watching all the time.”

  “What about after the show?”

  “They still expect me to do public appearances. That isn’t me.”

  “What would you do if you were an ordinary guy?”

  What would happen if he gave the wrong answer? Would he shut down? Explode? “Art,” he said finally.

  “I didn’t know bots could do art.”

  Damn, damn, damn! Here she was, comforting him after Bunty’s thoughtless comment, only to drop an even bigger clanger. She’d never been so grateful to see Dot and Yumi shamble through the trees.

  “Hey, you two!” Dot cried. “Sienna says the incident’s closed if you make friends.”

  “Fine,” Josh mumbled. It wasn’t the most gracious apology, but perhaps he couldn’t refuse an order.

  The four of them walked back to the house, Yumi winking and nudging. Seeing them together, she’d added two and two and made nine hundred and twelve.

  That night was the closest Claire came to packing it in. She tried on three outfits before deciding her high collared blouse and pleated skirt looked the most responsible. She would present her case to Jay Cee, say that the sooner she put several hundred miles between herself and Josh Foster, the better.

  She didn’t make it onto the landing. She opened the door and Josh was there, anxiety in his every movement.

  “I was rude. I’m sorry.”

  She gaped at him. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have -”

  Never mind what happened when he said the wrong thing, what about her? Her humiliation was being broadcast to millions.

  “Are you homesick? I thought -” He fumbled with his hands. “I want you to know I’m here for you. If you want someone to speak to.”

  She went to shut the door, shaking her head, to find Yumi and Ash boggling.

  “What the -” Ash began.

  Yumi smirked. “Had a hunch, Lady Claire.”

  At first Claire thought it was Yumi being her jokey self. She made prank calls to the unlikeliest places, like the Lux Stamp Museum. She had an idea for a business where she fired people dressed as the Grim Reaper. But for once her nutty theories held water: Josh’s attention was definitely pointing in Claire’s direction.

  Although she was flattered by how often he sought her out, she wanted more. She admired his painting. She took a series of pictures of him beneath the weeping willow. They went for walks in the woods, talked about their lives and plans. He didn’t think the dog boutique was a naff idea, or her choice of name (Pooch Parlour). Touching was at a premium. They accidentally held hands when she stumbled into a rabbit hole, but he sh
uffled away.

  “What’s the problem?” Sienna demanded when Claire went to see her. “It’s in the bag!”

  “It’s not too late for him to change his mind.”

  “If he loves you now, he’ll love you forever. Trust me.”

  “Please. We wind up in a week’s time.”

  Sienna made a face (she was having her back kneaded by a functional). “Why don’t you throw a bash and play a kissing game?” As Claire looked dubious, “Rig it so you get Josh.”

  “Well -”

  “Got any better ideas?”

  Claire told the girls, who were thrilled. Bunty would organise it, Dot DJ, Yumi was in charge of the bar. Ash promised to create ‘zany’ decorations.

  She suffered a pang of uncertainty as she watched Ash and Josh working on the decorations together. They seemed to be having too much fun. She looked up to find Yumi fuming, though she couldn’t think why. Josh gave her a dazzling smile and she forgot about it.

  “I’m not doing anything,” Claire said when the job list was announced.

  “It’s in your honour, darling!” Bunty reminded her.

  The party started at nineteen. Ash and a scuttlebot worked tirelessly on Claire’s dress: a gauzy blue gown, spangled with stars. Her hair felt like a wedding cake but when she saw herself, it was worth every stiff necked second. “What about you?” she asked, feeling guilty.

  “I’ll do,” Ash chirped. Sure enough, she materialised in a spotty red and white dress, glittering with badges.

  The girls made a regal progress down the central staircase, the boys waiting at the bottom. Perhaps she was biased, but Josh put the others in the shade. Bunty offered her arm to Abdul, Dot to Chris, Ash to Tim and Yumi to Kyle (or was it Miles?) Josh let the others through before he approached her.

  “You look lovely.”

  “Thanks.”

  There was a second’s confusion about who took whose arm, but eventually hers was uppermost.

  “I won’t have to do that robot dance, will I?”

  “Copy what I do,” she said.