Anyway, being on my own didn’t bother me most of the time. I'm used to it. I didn't have any other brothers or sisters growing up, and my parents were usually too focused on getting high or drunk to take me out anywhere.
So I even preferred to be alone. But the guys kept insisting I tag along until I finally agreed to go and have a few drinks with them after work.
It was one of those places that mostly sell hot wings and beer and have every wall covered in giant flatscreens. I remember there were people shouting and girls laughing, one of them sitting on some guy’s lap.
It wasn't my thing. I just wanted to eat and go home. Maybe have a beer. I'm not a big drinker either.
But our waitress had been Krista.
And as soon as I saw her blonde hair, her green eyes, but most of all her kind smile, I had become speechless.
The guys had let me have it too, slapping me on the back and laughing and asking me if I needed a minute to compose myself. And Krista had blushed, her face turning as red as a tomato. The guys had been nice to her, even if they gave me crap about how I acted.
She finally took our order and left. Then one of the guys insisted I ask her for her number. I said no way. Not on his life.
But I couldn’t believe it when one of the guys flagged down another waitress and gave her my number to give to Krista.
That’s when I gave the guys from work crap, although I was secretly hoping she'd give me a call. Maybe text me.
And she had.
And I guess the rest is history. I took her out to dinner, and then she spent the night with me. And we haven't been separated since.
I come back to the present, where our hands are about to move to other places when we hear someone come in.
We’re not surprised when we hear someone else jump and land beside us on the bed. I quickly stand up and and get my hands off of Krista. She sits up too with a laugh.
"Hey, silly goose. You’re up from your nap."
Miles is already on top of her, and I just look at them with a smile.
I’ve never seen anyone love anybody else like Krista loves her son. She had him junior year of high school, but his father was never really in the picture, which is why she’s always struggled. She's never really talked about him other than to say that she hadn't seen him ever since high school graduation. Apparently, he moved away or something. And he was never interested in knowing he had a kid.
I met Miles about a month after I started going out with Krista. She asked me if I wanted to meet him, and she said she was only asking because she thought we were ready. That things had gotten serious really fast and if I was going to become a part of her life, that it was important that I meet Miles and understand that they came as a package deal.
I hadn't known what to do in that moment except nod. And I'd met him. And just like with her, it was kind of love at first sight.
Miles is the sweetest little kid I’ve ever met. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body, just like his mom.
The first time we met he asked his mom if I was his dad, and we both froze, and I just stared at him. Krista finally knelt down and explained that, no, I'm not his dad, but I can be kind of like a dad if he wanted, only if he wanted. And if he didn't want that, that was okay too.
And he looked up at me, and he said that maybe we could be friends to begin with. And he would think about it. Krista and I had laughed so hard, and he had asked what was so funny.
I look at Miles now. I've never been more sure that Krista is the love of my life. And that I love her son, Miles.
But I'm also afraid. I've never been more afraid in my life.
Not when I found my mom passed out for the first time. Not when I was home alone multiple times growing up, and there was no food in the refrigerator.
I think this is scarier, to be honest. The thought that this little guy might one day see me as a father. Might already see me as a father.
Last week, he asked me if I was going to come have lunch with him at his preschool for Father's Day.
And I hadn't known what to say to that. Krista had quickly said we would tell him later. That I would tell him later. Krista hadn’t mentioned it since then. But I have to give Miles an answer soon.
And it scares me to death that I'm pretty much becoming a dad and not ready for it. I never want to let either of them down. They mean the world to me.
And I know it's crazy, but what if I end up like my parents? Like my father? Who never acted in any way like a father.
I don't know how to be a dad. Not even a stepdad. This is the only thing that scares me about committing to Kendra and Miles, but it’s enough to make me start doubting whether I’m doing the right thing bringing them into my life.
Miles’ eyes meet mine, and he says, “Can we have pizza for dinner tonight?"
He's waiting for an answer. Krista looks at me too.
I smile at him. “Sure, buddy. Whatever you want."
I kiss him on the forehead, and then I do the same to Krista. And I hug them both.
Will I ever learn how to be a good dad? I never thought I would even have kids of my own, yet here I am.
Eight
Carlos
I know what Naomi's doing, and I hate it.
I push on my turning signal and turn left out of the parking lot of the car shop. I'm so ready to go home and have a quiet dinner out with my wife. Today would have been a perfectly good day if it hadn’t been for Miranda showing up at the end.
I’ve gotten used to waking up early every day to go work at the shop, coming home for some dinner and TV before going to bed, and doing it all over again. I’ve gotten used to that routine, and I don’t like being thrown out of it, especially for something like this.
I just want to get it off my mind. Maybe Naomi will have forgotten about it by the time I get home.
No, I seriously doubt that.
I sigh and feel Miranda’s crumbled up card in my pocket. I was about to throw it away, my hand over the trash can at work, but I’d stuck it in my pocket instead.
There’s no way I can go back there and talk about Valerie and what happened to her in front of a bunch of people.
And did she say the news might be there? No way in hell.
I have absolutely no idea why she would even come to me for something like this. She must not know me at all.
And neither does Naomi.
Finally forgiving myself for that night is one thing. Bringing it out in the open is another.
My stomach clenches as I imagine what that would be like, what I’d even say.
My hands grip onto the steering wheel like they’re holding on for dear life.
No. I can’t.
Nine
Ryan
“I’m hungry, Wyan,” Miles says.
I look down at the little guy. He’s only three, and he can’t say his R’s yet, so I get to be “Wyan.”
I wouldn’t have it any other way.
He’s tugging at my pants, which have already slipped a couple of inches. I bend down and pick him up.
I lift him high in the air so he’s almost touching the ceiling. He loves it when I do that.
He screams at the top of his lungs from pure joy, and it makes me laugh.
I hadn’t done much laughing in my life until Krista and Miles came along. Now I smile and laugh every single day. Thanks to them.
I put Miles down. I can’t believe that four months ago I didn’t even know this kid.
And I kind of feel for him. He’s only three, and already, his life has been messed up.
He’s never had a dad around.
I stare at him, at his honey-colored eyes and dusty hair. He’s begging me to lift him up again, but for some reason, there’s a frog in my throat. I realize with a pang in my chest that he reminds me of me.
Not that Krista isn’t the best mom in the world to him.
But it just hit me that by the time I was his age, my parents were already heroine addicts. They’d already had their first overdose.
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The first one I remember, anyway. I couldn’t have been much older than Miles when I found my mom passed out on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night.
I’d woken up screaming and crying for her. I’d had a nightmare. I still remember it so clearly.
I woke up, and it was pitch dark in my room. I was scared out of my mind, especially because she wasn’t coming and making me feel better. I didn’t understand why.
I don’t know how long I sat there crying for her when I finally got the courage to get off of my bed and make my way to the hallway. I remember my heart pounding, but my cries were louder.
I remember the doorknob being cold as I opened the bedroom door and kept calling for her.
“Mommy…”
No answer.
No soothing voice telling me there was no such thing as monsters or laying down with me until I fell asleep again.
I saw the light on under the bathroom door at the end of the hallway and ran for it, thinking that any second now, surely, she would come out and pick me up, give me a hug.
She didn’t.
I opened the door and found her laying there, and I wondered why there was a needle next to her, like the one at the doctor’s that time I got the shots.
She wouldn’t wake up, no matter how hard I tried. I think I finally fell asleep next to her.
I have no idea where my dad was.
In the morning, I woke up, and she still wouldn’t wake up. I was hungry.
I opened our front door and screamed until our neighbor, some lady, found us and called an ambulance.
“Wyan, I said I’m hungry,” Miles says, tugging on my shirt.
I swallow hard and pick him up, but this time I just hug him.
“You’re hungry, are you? Well, that’s a real problem, isn’t it?”
“I want pizza, Wyan.”
I walk us over to the kitchen. But there’s hardly room to walk in here, much less cook or find anything to eat.
Krista comes in. “Well, his bedroom is kind of done. And so is ours.” She stares at the mess in here. “I guess I’ll do this room next.”
I walk over, Miles still in my arms, and kiss her. Miles screams, “Ew!”
We smile, and I finally put him down.
He runs away.
“How about I treat you two to dinner first?” I put my hands on her waist.
She looks up at me and smiles as she puts her arms around my neck. I love it when she does that. “Sounds perfect.”
“Pizza?” I ask.
A few minutes later, I’m calling a pizza place we found online.
I ask for a large pizza for the three of us.
Except the guy tells us our order is gonna be a while.
“Sorry, young man. Our only delivery guy is out right now delivering pizzas to the local high school. They have an event going on tonight. The basketball player that’s been in the news is there, and everyone’s in a tizzy. Anyway, I suspect it’ll be another good thirty minutes before he even makes it back here.”
He’s here? At the high school?
I just moved back, so I haven’t even had the chance to find out if Jimmy still lives here, but I’ve been gone like five years. Haven’t even seen my parents in longer than that.
Not ever since the last time I saw my mom in the hospital, and I finally said I was done with both of them.
“You mean Jimmy Aguilera?”
“Yeah, I think that’s the guy. He’s doing some kind of event.”
“You know what? Um, I need to cancel our order. Sorry. Thanks, anyway,” I add.
“What? No pizza?” Krista asks from the living room floor. We still need to buy living room furniture, so she and Miles are lying down on a blanket. “We’re starving over here.”
“Actually, I think I have a better idea,” I say, grabbing my keys.
Ten
Mayra
"Where you going?" I ask Jimmy.
I'm asking, but I already know the answer. He’s in his training gear.
He's too busy gathering things to stop and look at me at the moment. I watch as he laces up his shoes. "I started training this week, remember?"
Oh. I'm sure he must've said that. Or maybe he didn't. I wouldn't know anymore. We hardly ever see each other lately, and then when we do, he's always talking basketball, so sometimes I can’t help but tune him out, replaying in my mind what we could have been.
I'm quiet. I'm not usually the quiet type. But I don't even know what to say without starting a fight.
And of course, it's me. I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who's always starting fights.
As much as I love Jimmy, he just doesn't get it. But I try anyway. "Oh, I thought maybe we could get breakfast or something before I started my shift."
I look at the time on my phone. If we hurry, we could grab something before I have to get ready and go in. It would be nice to sit down for a meal together for a change.
Jimmy finally looks up at me with that look. That same look he always gives me when, according to him, he has no choice but to go to these practices, these drills, these scrimmages.
It never ends.
“Save it. Just forget about it." I walk away, already feeling the hot tears coming on. I hate this. I hate crying every freaking day. This is not what I signed up for.
"Wait. I mean, you know these things are scheduled. You know I would go to breakfast with you if I could." I can hear him walking up behind me.
But he doesn't touch me or hug me. Not anywhere near as much as he used to. It’s probably the thing I used to love about Jimmy the most. How affectionate he was. Always touching me in some way, whether it was just my hand as we were walking side by side or his arm around me when we were on the couch watching TV together. Or my hair, the way he would tuck it behind my ear. And smile while he looked into my eyes.
That all feels like so long ago, like a completely different Jimmy.
The one I fell in love with, but not the one I'm with today.
"It's like I tell you—”
"You know what? I’m not trying to start another fight here, but honestly, one day I’m just gonna get sick of this." I turn around and look at him. He's pretty tall, so I’m staring up at him.
He still has the same look on his face. The clueless look, the one that says he has no idea what's even going on right now when I don't know how to make it any more obvious to him.
"Let me spell it out for you. One day, probably soon, I'm just going to be too tired, Jimmy. Too tired to fight anymore. Too tired to keep fighting for us. And who knows?"
I feel my voice getting weird, but I fight through it to try to sound strong so that maybe he'll understand that I'm dead serious right now. "And I might just walk away instead."
He stares down at the ring he gave me just a few weeks ago. Things weren’t always like this, but our relationship has been in second place ever since his career started getting serious for him.
Not just college ball but talk of him being recruited for the NBA. And ever since he got the call, it’s like I’m in last place in his mind. And I'm sick of it.
I answer his unspoken question with my eyes. Yes, I really would walk away from him, give him his ring back and all. I don’t want that, but I would do it.
“Do I really make you that unhappy?" Jimmy asks quietly.
Why does he have to do that with me?
Make me feel like the bad guy? Like living in the same house is all I should want from him. I would love to just sleep in the same bed as him sometimes. Get a text message from him that’s more than him letting me know he’ll be out of town all week.
No. That's not enough for me.
"I need more from you, Jimmy. Our whole lives are going to pass us by, and we hardly even see each other anymore. I know, I get it. Your career is important to you, but I'm important too. Why can't you see that this is killing me?"
My voice starts getting louder even though I don't mean it to. I'm just so frustrated; I can't help it. Jimmy takes
a few steps away from me, and I follow him with my eyes.
He sighs in frustration. And we’re back to the same old argument we always have.
"Why don't you get it, Mayra? Can't you see that this is important to me? This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Not just anybody gets to go all the way to the NBA. And I have to prove that I'm good enough. I have to show them that I'm good enough. I'm not sure if I'm good enough right now. I have to put in the hours, the work. I'm doing this for us. I want to give you the best. Don't you get that? I just want you to be there for me.”
His hands are pulling at his hair like he always does when he’s upset.
"I've been there for you, Jimmy. That's my whole point. I've been there for you, supporting your dreams along the way, but you're never there for me. You expect me to go to to your games and be there for you, but what about me? What about spending time with me? What about us?"
"This is just temporary. I promise. Once I'm officially on a team—”
But I don't let him finish.
"I'm not stupid. It's always just a few more months, one more season. What you're asking me is to give you is my entire life because everything revolves around you and your career. Your dreams. What about my dreams?”
Jimmy looks at me, and I know what he's thinking.
"Maybe being a nurse isn't as important in your mind, but my job is important to me. I'm not ready to give it up, and I just wish you would at least try a little harder."
He scoffs at that. “Do you not see how hard I work already? I trained my ass off.”
I cut him off again.” "Yeah, for your career. It's always about you, Jimmy. It's never about us anymore."
But he's already walking away. Again.
He slams the door behind him, and he's gone. So much for having breakfast together.
The tears trail down my face, and I'm left looking at the spot where Jimmy was just standing a second ago.
It's like I see my entire life before me, and I already know what it's going to be like. An empty spot in our home where Jimmy should be.
Until Forever (Changing Hearts Book 4) Page 4
