Lost in Us

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “She knows about me? I mean, she must because she left as soon as I made my presence known.”

  He nods. “Yes, she does. I told her everything.”

  “Why?” I have to ask even though I don’t want to know the answer. I figured he’d talk to Dylan about us, not some stranger. I confided in Alex and thought that Ryan would at least talk to Cole. They had grown close over the years. Guess I was wrong once again.

  “She’s easy to talk to. She doesn’t judge or care who you are,” he pauses to gauge my reaction. What does he want from me? Am I supposed to freak out that she doesn’t care who I am? Right now, I don’t really care because I’m having a hard enough time processing that he turned to another woman so quickly.

  “I didn’t mean it like that, Hadley. Of course she cares; it’s just that she grew up with her own class of celebrities so it didn’t really shock her when I told her. I think she knew about us anyway, and when you weren’t around or I didn’t talk about you, she asked. I spilled, and it felt good to talk to someone about everything.”

  “You had Cole. You haven’t talked to him since you moved to Boston.”

  Ryan shakes his head. “Cole belongs to you. He was only my friend by association. I have Dylan, but she didn’t want to hear anything I had to say.”

  “She still hates me.”

  He shrugs, all but confirming what I’ve known for years. A quick silence washes over the room. We haven’t had an awkward moment like this since the night we met. His phone buzzes, causing us both to jump.

  “Yeah?” he says after picking up the receiver. “All right, I’ll be down in a minute.” After he hangs up, he stands and buttons his suit jacket. My eyes are downcast, knowing that our meeting is about to come to an end, and I don’t know what I’m going to do to ensure I can see him again. I can’t just show up tomorrow.

  “I have to go,” he says when he stops in front of me. I acknowledge him, but only slightly. “I’ll walk you out.”

  “Can I see you tomorrow?” I ask him. I want to reach out and pull his hand into mine, but the thought of rejection pains me so much that I don’t think I’d make it out of this room if that were to happen.

  Ryan’s lips form into a fine line as he shakes his head. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Hadley.”

  “Why not?” I bite back the cry that’s building in my throat.

  He runs his hand through his hair, pulling on the ends. “I don’t know. Things are good for me here, and I’m not going anywhere. I asked you to move here, but you didn’t. We broke up. Twelve months later and now you’re standing in my office? Honestly, I’m a bit confused, and I need some time to think.”

  I set my hand on his arm and gently pull his hand away from his hair. I don’t let go and allow my fingers to linger against his skin. The spark is still there, it’s never gone away. I still feel the same as I did the first night we met as he held me under the stars. He was so innocent then.

  “Friends, remember?”

  There’s a moment of hesitation before he nods.

  “Well as your friend, I’d like to see you tomorrow. I know you work crazy hours so just tell me when and where we can meet and I’ll be there.” I turn and leave knowing it’s a long shot, but I figure if I leave him with those words, he doesn’t have time to formulate a response that will end with him telling me to get lost.

  I rush out of his office and back through the halls that led me to him, holding back the tears. I won’t cry here. I can’t. As soon as I’m outside, my phone is pressed to my ear. I meander into the crowd, who are likely here to attend the game tonight, and keep my head low.

  “Hadley, where the hell are you?”

  “Carrie, I’m in Boston.” Carrie’s my manager and has been since I fired my uncle Ian. Firing him wasn’t easy, but career wise, it was in my best interests. Ian did some very shady things behind the scenes and made me look like something I wasn’t. He was also the catalyst that destroyed Ryan and I the first time.

  “Come again?”

  I pause and gather my bearings. Carrie’s been good to me over the years and I’m about to put her in a horrible spot. I wouldn’t be surprised if she fires me and leaves me to hang from the gallows. It’s what I deserve. “I’m in Boston. I flew here last night after the show and I can’t leave anytime soon.”

  Carrie sighs and I can hear her moving around her office. The door slams, causing me to jump as if I’m sitting in the chair in front of her desk. ”Okay, start from the beginning and tell me why you’re in Boston.”

  “I just broke. I had to see him.” I stand in the crowd, waiting to cross the street. I shuffle along with everyone once the signal changes, signaling that it’s clear to walk. “I can’t finish the tour, Carrie.”

  “WHAT!?” she screeches. “You better be dying a slow painful death, Hadley Carter. The label will not stand for this.”

  I stop and take cover in a doorway. “I know, so postpone the rest of it. I can’t finish it right now. My heart… it isn’t with music right now. It’d be unfair to the fans for me to continue. I’d be letting them down night after night. I was so stupid a year ago that I lost everything, and now that I’ve seen him, I want him back. I need to do this for me.”

  “Hadley, sweetie, I know you’re hurt and you never took the time after the break-up to allow yourself to heal, but we’ve been down this path with Ryan before. Remember when we first met? You were in therapy and doing so well getting over the relationship. You were healed. I know it’s hard to swallow, but you’ve both grown up and your lives are vastly different. Cancelling your tour is unprecedented. My advice, finish the tour; he’ll be there when you’re done.”

  I shake my head, even though she can’t see me. “He won’t be. He’s been dating someone for six months. Time is my enemy right now.”

  Carrie sighs, and I can hear papers being moved around and some incoherent mumbling in the background. “You and Ryan have too many differences. I wish you’d see that. You wanted a family. He wasn’t ready. He wants a career. You wanted him with you. None of that has changed, Hadley. I’m afraid that you’re going to ruin your career over this.”

  I know what she’s saying is true. I could lose everything with this stunt, but I have to try. I have to see if Ryan still loves me the way I love him.

  “I’m sorry, Carrie. I have to do this.” I hang up before she has a chance to respond. I need a game plan, but I also need to do this by myself. My first reaction is to call Alex and have her by my side, but not this time. Yes, I’ll call her, but I think I need to live in Boston for a while and get to know it the way Ryan does. I need to see if I can fall in love with this city like he has. I need to show him that he’s the most important part of my life and that my career can wait.

  When you break up with the one you love, your life changes. Many don’t realize it, but that’s why you make such a drastic change. Next, it could be your clothes, where you live and maybe even the way you look. You would think a change of that magnitude would mean the end of us. I certainly did and yet here I am, sitting in my designated game day seat waiting for my current girlfriend to join me while I’m thinking about my ex.

  By all accounts, our break-up wasn’t messy. She was out of town and I had already started working in Boston. It was a phone call from me, telling her that we needed time and space; that I didn’t think we were working anymore. She was quiet, reserved and told me that she loved me. I replied in kind because I do love her. I have since I was seventeen, there’s no mistaking that, but love can’t save everything. I thought I’d hear from her and when I didn’t, I picked up the phone to text or call her only to find that I had nothing to say. When you get to that point in your life, it’s best to step away.

  Everything in me is telling me to ignore Hadley and her impromptu visit, but my heart won’t let me. I’ll never deny that we have a connection, but sometimes in life a connection isn’t enough. Do I feel as strongly for Jessica as I do Hadley? No, I don’t and I’m not sure I
ever will, but that doesn’t mean I should be with Hadley. Neither of us is willing to compromise and if you don’t have at least that, you can’t make your relationship work.

  Jessica passes in front of me, bringing my attention to the here and now. She sits down and folds her hands in her lap, taking a deep breath. How she was able to so calmly walk out of my office today when Hadley arrived, I’ll never understand. I want to ask her, but don’t want to bring the subject up unless she’s willing. Avoidance is going to be my forté until my life is back on track and Hadley is gone. I have a feeling she’ll only be here a week, two tops. She can’t stay away from New York, Alex and her music. I highly doubt Hadley is relocating her life to Boston just because I’m here.

  I reach over and pull Jessica’s hand into mine. We’re not a PDA couple, but I think tonight calls for it. She needs to know that I’m still here and with her, despite what happened earlier.

  Jessica smiles warmly, and it reminds me what a great person she is. She’s probably the most down to earth person I know. She’s unaffected by her social class, who her father is and the fact that she has some of the most prominent baseball players in her family home for dinners. In some ways, she and Hadley are a lot alike. That’s probably why I’m attracted to her. Maybe she’s my Boston version of Hadley because I couldn’t have the real thing. No, that’s not what she is at all. When I look at her, I see calm and peace, not the hectic lifestyle that I had before.

  “Everything okay?” she asks. I want to tell her yes, that everything is fine, but that’s a lie. I don’t know what Hadley wants aside from being friends, and honestly that answer doesn’t even suffice.

  “I’m not sure, but I hope so.”

  Jessica squeezes my hand and offers me the most genuine smile. She’s been down the path of dating someone famous, a high profile baseball player from another team. She quickly learned they weren’t compatible but not before he pulled her into a nightmare public relations mess with his drug use and infidelity. She swore off anyone who’s in the public eye, except for me. She knows how I feel about the media.

  “What does she want?” The sad tone isn’t falling on deaf ears. Jessica knows how I feel about Hadley. I’ve never hidden that fact. Love begins to fade over time and that’s what Jessica has offered me – time. With each passing day, thoughts of Hadley ceased to exist. It’s almost like she knew that I wasn’t thinking about her any longer and had to show up. It’s not that Jessica and I are taking the next step in our relationship and moving in with each other, but we’re getting there. We’re progressing at a nice, slow pace.

  “I’m not sure, really. To be friends,” I say, shrugging. Truth is I was in such a fog that I don’t have a clue what Hadley’s really doing here or if she’s even still here. I hope she’s on a plane back to New York. That would be classic Hadley fashion, a long distance relationship that works out over the phone.

  “Are you going to see her again?” It’s a valid question and one I wish I had the answer to. Hadley Carter is my weakness, my downfall. The fact that she’s made an attempt to reach out proves that she’s not over me. This wasn’t some random ‘on the street’ meeting, but a full on attempt by her to reconnect. I’d love to say she won’t be back, but I’d be lying, and I think we both know the truth.

  “I don’t know, Jessica.” Her resolve slips, but her smile doesn’t. No, she’s not like that. She’s a professional through and through. In this moment though, I want to take her out of the park and back to my apartment so we can figure this out, except I don’t know what there is to figure out because I’m so freaking lost on what I should be doing. Do I run back to Hadley? Do I even give her another chance? Or do I tell her we’re done and there’s no hope for us? I have no doubt Jessica and Dylan would opt for the latter, but I’m not sure my heart can take it.

  “Well I’m here for you, in whatever capacity you need me to be.”

  That right there is what makes Jessica stand out above every other woman I know. When I tell Dylan, she’s going to flip and probably hunt Hadley down, but not Jessica. No, she offers me moral support even though another woman is in the picture. I don’t deserve someone like her.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” I hate that I’ve said those words because I don’t believe them and neither does she by the look in her eyes. I let go of her hand and place my arm on her shoulder, pulling her as close as she can get without hurting her on the armrest. I kiss her hair and hold my lips there as I fight the rage that’s starting to build. I don’t want to hurt Jessica and I don’t want her to leave, but I want to know what the hell Hadley’s up to.

  I want to be in the fairytale, the one where birds chirp when I wake telling me that today is going to be a good day. I want my Prince Charming to find me in the garden and profess his love to me. I want the happily ever after. I know it’s silly to even think like that, but I can’t help it. Love surrounds me every day and more so since I’ve been in Boston; whether it’s the songs I’m writing or watching the people walk hand in hand, clearly in love, in Faneuil Hall. It’s been three days since I ditched out on my tour and today it’s in the headlines. “Hadley Carter Sidelined by Exhaustion.” It’s better than what I thought it would be: “Hadley Carter dumped by her Long-term Boyfriend for Baseball Royalty.” I’m still not convinced that the truth won’t come out and everyone will know I’m in Boston, where Ryan is openly public with his new girlfriend. My favorite ragtime, TMZ, will undoubtedly follow me around, and Ryan’s life will be under the microscope. They live to tear me down.

  Today’s the day that I work to get him back. I’m not sure how I’m going to do that, but it has to start today. I can’t continue to sit by while his heart becomes lost to another. I’m not looking to cause problems, but love makes you do stupid things. He said we could be friends, and that’s something we’ve never really been. For us, that’s a good place to start. I just don’t know what friends should do together, especially those that have been lovers. How am I going to make it through the day without touching him or resting my head on his shoulder? Neither of those will be easy, but I’m going to have to try.

  Standing in front of my mirror with my hands down at my sides, I surmise that being in Boston is good for me. My skin looks clearer, and I have fewer bags under my eyes. The clothing style is different, more posh I guess you’d say. I’ve met some amazing people while I’ve toured the city and have found that I love a true Boston accent. I’m not trying to hide who I am here; there’s no need. After today, every fan will know that I’ve taken up residence here, at least for the time being, and I’m not going to shy away from them. Although, from what I’m being told from locals, they don’t give a ‘pissah’ who you are. They’re already making me feel at home.

  The soft knock on the door to my hotel room sends my heart into a frenzy. With one last look, I put on my happy face knowing that today’s the fresh start we need, even if Ryan doesn’t think we do.

  I open the door quickly, hoping that I don’t come off too eager. “Hi,” I say breathlessly, as if I’ve run up a few flights of stairs to get to him. I feel that way now that he’s standing in front of me with a dark polo shirt on, the sleeves rolled a few times to accentuate his biceps. Thinking back over the years from when I first met him, his transformation into a man has been a sight to behold. Most of it happened after we broke up the first time, but watching him keep up his physique has been a definite perk of being with him, a perk that I’ve missed and didn’t realize how much until right now.

  “Do you want to come in?” I move aside, pulling the door open, but he stands there with his hands in his pockets. My lips go into a thin line at the realization that he probably doesn’t want to be here. He’s just appeasing me. I’m going to have to work a lot harder than I thought at winning him back if he’s even available to be won. He may be done with me, and if that’s the case, I don’t blame him.

  “I’ll just get my stuff,” I say, without making eye contact. I don’t want him to be any more uncom
fortable than he already is. I stall briefly, before picking up my bag and sunglasses. When I turn, he’s still standing there like a statue. The better part of me wants to call off this date, but I have to try and see if he still feels the same way about me that I do him. One date, it’s all I’m asking for.

  “Are you ready?” He nods and sticks out his arm for me to take, just like he used to when we were together. The familiarity isn’t lost on me, and I know better than to let the hope soar. This is going to be hard. I don’t want him to do anything that compromises who he is or his job, but I’ll be damned if I’m not taking his proffered arm.

  We ride the elevator in silence. A few other hotel guests step on, take one look and start messing around on their phones. One can assume they’re looking me up to confirm what they’re minds are telling them. By the time they figure it out, hopefully we’ll be out of this metal box and on our way. No one really chases you down unless they’re looking for some dirty secrets.

  “This is different,” he says, as soon as we walk around the corner from the elevator exit. Light bulbs flash and questions are thrown at us. “Who was the woman you were with last night, Ryan?” “Is he cheating on you, Hadley?” “When did you call off your engagement?”

  The last question causes me to falter in my steps, but Ryan keeps us walking. We’ve experienced this type of paparazzi onslaught when we first got together and shortly after my uncle Ian leaked a story about me chasing Ryan while he was still a minor. Bumps in the road, he called them. Except now we’re in a ditch, and we’ll need a ladder to get out.

  As soon as we’re outside, he’s opening his car door for me. His car door. I run my hand over the soft leather and close my eyes to will away the tears of a milestone I missed. I look out the front window the moment he slides in next to me.