by Debra Doxer
She gets a weird twinkle in her eye. “No way. I won’t make that deal. Because when you and Lucas get together, it’s going to be epic, and I want to hear every detail.”
“Oh my god. You’re deluded.” I turn my back on her and climb out of her car.
I hear her giggling behind me before she pulls away.
There’s chatter coming from the dining room when I step through the door. After setting my bag down, I walk hesitantly toward the noise. Chloe spots me first.
“You’re here,” she states. “I’ll make you a plate.”
As she ducks into the kitchen, my eyes travel around the table, landing on two unfamiliar faces, both of whom are staring at me.
“She looks just like her mother,” the older man says. He is obviously Alec, Kyle’s father. He has thick grey hair streaked with yellowish-brown patches. It’s combed back away from his long forehead. I can tell that he’s a tall man even though he’s sitting down. Beside him is a weathered looking woman. She has leathery skin, and she’s layered in jewelry. Large gold disks hang from her ears matching the thick gold ropes that surround her neck and wrists.
“Raielle,” Kyle says. “This is my father, and this is Linda.”
I smile weakly. “Sorry I’m late.”
Chloe returns, setting a plate down in front of the empty seat beside Penelope, who is engrossed in the task of getting a single pea onto her spoon.
I sit down at the table and keep my eyes on my plate while I settle in. I’m not nervous exactly, but I do feel uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe it’s the way Linda seems to squint at me as though I have something wrong with my face.
Alec breaks the awkward silence. “Despite everything, Raielle, I was very sorry to hear about Angela.”
“Thanks,” I mumble. When my eyes meet his, I feel a strange shock at their intensity. They’re a deep green color reminding me of the ocean in winter and looking just as frigid. In contrast, his expression is calm and emotionless. It occurs to me that his eyes would go better with his girlfriend’s sour face. Maybe they blame me for the fact that he couldn’t get a divorce from my mother. Then again, maybe I’m imagining things. Maybe I want this man to be awful to excuse what my mother did to him and Kyle, because the alternative is too hard to accept.
“How are you doing? You’ve had quite an upheaval,” Alec asks.
I don’t want to meet his eyes again, but I do. “I’m fine. I’m lucky Kyle and Chloe were willing to take me in. I’m very grateful to them.” As I’m saying those words, I realize they’re true. I would have done okay going into foster care again. I always survived. But this is different. This is better somehow, like I’m a part of something rather than a ghost flitting in and out of strangers’ homes.
Kyle smiles at me and so does Chloe. “You don’t have to be grateful,” he says. “You’re family. Of course you would come here. We’re happy you’re here despite the circumstances.”
I nod at him while I study my plate again. I don’t really do feelings and mushiness very well or at all. I hide my discomfort by helping Penelope scoop the rest of her peas onto her spoon. Kyle must sense my wariness because he changes the subject to work. Apparently, Alec is an accountant, too. A dry discussion of New York State tax law ensues.
I mostly push my food around on my plate throughout dinner. Soon Chloe excuses herself to put Penelope to bed, but only after Penelope smothers her grandfather in goodnight kisses. Once she’s gone, I begin to clear the table. I’ve got nearly all the plates piled on the counter when Chloe returns.
“Go into the living room with everyone else,” she orders. “I’ll finish in here.” She takes the dishtowel from my hand and ushers me out.
In the living room, Alec and Linda are seated on the couch. Kyle sits in a chair across from them. I take the empty armchair beside him. Everyone smiles at me.
“We hear you’re an excellent student,” Linda says, addressing me for the first time.
“Yes, ma’am.”
She purses her lips. “Ma’am? Please, call me Linda.”
Across from me, Alec leans forward, resting his forearms on his knees. He’s built like an over the hill athlete, with thick arms and a barrel chest. “I understand your mother never said anything to you about Kyle,” he states. I glance over at Kyle and he offers me a tight smile. Of course, he would tell his father everything.
“No, she didn’t.”
“Having a brother must have come as quite a shock.”
“Yes, it did.” I squirm in my seat. I don’t want to say anything negative about my mother.
Alec offers me a gentle smile. Then he leans back into the couch.
Now that Alec has given me an opening, I ask my own question. “Why do you think she never told me?”
He doesn’t seem surprised by my question. After a long moment, he shakes his head slowly and sighs. “I have no idea. I couldn’t imagine walking away from my son and never looking back.”
I don’t miss the accusation in his words. “How did she leave?” I ask.
“What do you mean?” Alec tilts his head at me.
“Did she just disappear one day?”
He rubs a hand across his rough cheek. Linda reaches out and touches his arm.
“She did just disappear,” Kyle answers for his father. “I was at school. Dad was work. When she didn’t show to pick me up, they called him. We came home and she was gone.”
I glance from Kyle to his father. Kyle’s lingering hurt is obvious. “Was she drinking back then?” I ask. As usual, I’m thinking of ways to excuse her behavior.
After a pause, Alec replies, “I thought she might have had a problem.”
I glance down at the carpet. Even if she was drinking, it still doesn’t make sense. She always regretted it when I was taken away. She tried to get me back every time. My mother had her issues, but walking away from her child would have been out of character. At least for the person I knew.
“We probably won’t ever know the truth,” Linda says, rubbing her hand reassuringly over Alec’s arm.
“It’s all in the past now.” Alec places his hand over his girlfriend’s smaller one.
“Papa?”
I turn to see Penelope walking into the room, rubbing her eyes and dragging her blanket behind her.
“What are you doing up?” Kyle asks.
Penelope makes a beeline for Alec. “I want Papa to tuck me in,” she says in a tired voice. The moment she’s within reach, Alec scoops her up and places her on his lap. The adoration on his face when he looks at her makes my throat feel tight.
Chloe emerges from the kitchen. “You’re supposed to be in bed, young lady.”
“It’s all right. I can tuck her back in. Right, puppet?” Alec says.
Penelope nods with satisfaction.
“I want you to stay in bed this time,” Chloe warns as Alec passes by with his granddaughter in his arms.
“I will, Mommy,” she promises.
I clear my throat and stand. “I have some homework to do. Nice to meet you, Linda. Please tell Alec it was nice to meet him, too.”
She waves a dismissive hand at me. “You can tell him yourself next time. We’ll being seeing plenty of each other now.”
“Goodnight,” I tell everyone. I barely make it down to my room before my eyes burn with guilty tears. I hate that I feel jealous of Penelope and the wonderful family she has. Then I realize that they’re my family, too. At least, they could have been.
I lay down flat on my bed and look up at the ceiling where they’re all still sitting above me. It was so easy to hate my mother when she was drinking. For the past couple of years, I tried really hard not to judge her on her past mistakes. I wanted a fresh start with her as much as she did with me even if I never admitted that to her. I did love her, and I was proud of her sobriety and the effort she was making for me. But now, I find myself slipping back into that place of bitterness and resentment. I don’t want to think about what I could have had, but it’s hard not to
when it’s paraded in front of me this way.
I roll over onto my side and stare at Penelope’s toys in the corner of the room. I don’t have any homework left to do, and I don’t bother getting undressed. I just lay there in the dark, trying to extinguish the spark of anger inside me that threatens to catch fire. But I can’t quite manage it.
The last image I have of her won’t be ignored tonight. I keep seeing it, like a movie that’s paused on one scene, never moving backward or forward. I see the blood. I see her vacant stare. I feel the cold nothingness that is her skin when I touch it. I lay there awake, all night, restless and conflicted, thinking too much, until the first muted signs of morning begin to brighten the dark corners of my basement bedroom.
I’m a zombie the next day. I’m running on no sleep, and I still feel choked with emotions that I can’t seem to bury. Myles and I walk to school together again. I manage to put on a good face for him. Luckily, once April joins us, I don’t have to participate in the conversation because she happily monopolizes it.
I am vaguely aware of Lucas in my morning classes. He offers me his usual tight half-smile when his gaze lands on me, but much to my relief, he doesn’t try to walk with me again in the hallway. That could be because I don’t answer his grin with one of my own despite the way my pulse kicks up when I see him. I’m just too drained to deal with his silent intensity today.
“I’m going to sit with Gwen in the caf,” I tell Myles when he appears at my locker before lunch.
He wrinkles his brow. “Who?”
“Gwen Westfield. She works in the office. She has black hair and always dresses in black.”
He squints at me. “You know her?”
“You don’t? This school isn’t that big.”
“She just started here last year,” he shrugs. “I never really see her around. Besides, she seems weird.”
“I just started here last week and you were more than happy to befriend me.” Then I have a light bulb moment. “Did Kyle ask you to be friends with me?”
His eyes dart away from mine.
“Oh my god. He did. Didn’t he?”
He holds his hand up. “He didn’t ask me to be friends with you. I decided to do that on my own. He just asked me to introduce you around. To make you feel comfortable.”
I run my hands over my face. “Did he tell you and your friends about my mom and everything that happened? Did that make you feel bad for me or something?”
“Wait a minute,” he says, raising his voice now. “You’ve got it wrong. Kyle only told me that he found out about you a couple of years ago, and because your mom passed away, you were coming here to live with him. Then he asked me to show you around. That’s it. It was Chloe who came by later and gossiped about you and your situation to my mom while April and Lucas were over. That’s how they know about it. I never would have said anything to them. I never would have done more than show you where the front office is at school if I didn’t actually want to be your friend, which I do. Okay?”
I just stare at him. I’m on emotional overload today. I need to get a hold of myself. “Okay,” I finally say. Then I offer him a grin to reinforce it.
“Okay,” he mimics with a quick head nod. “Let’s go eat.”
“But I’m still eating with Gwen.”
He stops walking.
“She’s my friend, too. I want to sit with her. You can join us.”
“Maybe I will,” he says, as though it’s a challenge he needs to meet.
But when we arrive in the cafeteria, April pats the seat beside her and Myles glances at me apologetically.
“Go sit with Lois Lane,” I whisper, pushing him playfully on the shoulder. Then I spot Gwen sitting at a round table in the back with two other people I don’t know. I head in their direction pretending not to notice the eyes at Myles’s table following my progression past them.
“Hey,” I set my Dora lunch bag down beside Gwen.
She smiles up at me, and I notice that under her black sweater, she’s wearing a yellow T-shirt today. She has a little color for a change. That’s interesting. “Raielle, this is Tyler and Lisa.”
Tyler and Lisa practically gape at me when I sit down with them. Tyler has dark shaggy hair that nearly reaches his shoulders. He’s cute in a geeky John Cusack kind of way. Lisa’s head is topped by a cloud of red hair and her skin is mostly freckles. When my eyes meet hers, her cheeks heat. The poor girl looks like little Orphan Annie. They all eye Dora as I withdraw my lunch items, but they don’t comment.
“I have all the Dexter episodes on my DVR,” Gwen says to them, obviously continuing a conversation they were having before I arrived. “You should watch the ones you missed. The first season is amazing.” She turns to me. “Have you ever seen Dexter?”
I shake my head.
“Seriously? You need to come over, too, then. It’s such an unbelievable show. Michael C. Hall is completely hot in a dangerous psychopath kind of way.”
Since the conversation isn’t really holding my attention, I find my eyes wandering over to another table. Sophie and Kellie are in their same seats. They’re laughing hysterically over something, and I can’t help but think it’s me when I see both their eyes are darting in my direction. Is the fact that I’m sitting at this table so funny? My eyes travel to Lucas whose face is partially hidden behind Jake’s. His attention is on his lunch tray. He doesn’t seem to be participating in any conversation at all.
“Raielle?”
I turn back to Gwen who’s watching me expectantly. “This weekend?” she prompts. “Do you want to come over and have a Dexter marathon with us?”
“Um, sure.”
“Cool,” she beams at me.
Across the table, I think I see Lisa gulp.
Eating lunch does nothing to wake me up, and I nearly nod off in chemistry. On the way out, I let Gwen know that I’m walking home with Myles today. After his speech about wanting to be my friend, I decide I should make more of an effort to return the favor.
The endless day is finally over. I’m moving tiredly down the stairs to meet Myles. Hoards of students are passing me in their rush to be free from school when someone brushes hard against my arm. Inside me, the energy starts to build. I stop and grab the railing. My stomach hollows and drops. I clench my abdomen muscles, tamping down on the surge, trying to rein it in. Oblivious to the commotion around me, I sit down while my hand is still gripping the rail. A very sick person just touched me. Their bare arm made contact with mine, and it set the process in motion. The strength with which this is hitting me means whoever it was has an extremely serious illness. Holding in the desire to heal once the energy forms is physically painful. I’m compelled to do it, and when I don’t, it turns on me.
My skin breaks out in a cold sweat, and a wave of nausea rolls through me. All my muscles ache. It feels like I have the flu on steroids. My hands are shaking, and I can’t even think about moving until this passes. This is my own fault. When I’m in control, this doesn’t happen. Lots of people suffer from different ailments. If this happened every time I came into contact with a sick person, I couldn’t function. Today, I’m not in control of my emotions. I’m exhausted, and I let my guard down. Now, I’m paying for it.
I don’t know how long I sit there, waiting for the shakes to pass. Eventually, the stairwell empties and the commotion fades. Everyone is gone. The only sound I hear is my own harsh breathing. Then a door opens and slams shut on the floor above me, echoing in the silence. Someone is descending the stairs. I stand on unsteady legs.
“Raielle?”
I immediately tense. The unmistakable voice saying my name belongs to Lucas. Of course, it would be him that finds me here.
“Are you okay?”
He’s beside me now, hovering over me, trying to see my face, which I’m hiding behind a curtain of hair. I take a deep breath and turn to him, letting my hair fall away. “I’m fine.” I try to smile.
He scrutinizes me, and I can see that he doesn’t bel
ieve me. This is the closest I’ve ever been to him. His eyes are only inches from mine, and I decide that they’re the same color as the sky during that brief magical moment after the sun finally drops below the horizon, when the pink and red dissolve away leaving only a dark mix of blue and violet in their wake.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket and I startle. Lucas startles, too, and wraps a hand around my arm to steady me. The place on my arm he’s touching begins to heat, and I can feel my cheeks starting to burn. I hide behind my hair again as I pull my phone out and study the screen. My hand is too shaky to read the text from Myles, but I can guess what it’s about. Hoping Lucas doesn’t notice that I can’t hold my phone still, I pocket it again.
“Myles is outside waiting for me,” I explain, not meeting his eyes. When I reach down for my bag, I realize he has it.
“I’ll walk you down,” he says gently. His warm hand is loose but firm around my upper arm.
I feel like an idiot as we slowly descend the stairwell together. I should make up an explanation. Tell him I’m getting a cold or something, but I can’t find my voice. I just let him lead me downward, feeling stronger and more at ease with each step. Having him so close to me, helping me, even as it’s becoming less necessary, is mortifying. But it also makes me feel safe and protected in a way that’s unfamiliar. It doesn’t occur to me to reclaim my arm. Even when Myles spots us coming through the door, and he stalks over, looking annoyed, I don’t step away from Lucas.
“I thought you ditched me. I’ve been standing here for almost fifteen minutes. I texted you. Twice.”
I’m about to apologize when Lucas speaks. “It’s my fault. I held her up.” Then he removes his hand from my arm. I’m steady on my feet now, but I immediately feel the loss, and I can’t help smiling at his pun.
Myles cocks a curious eyebrow at Lucas. Then he turns to me. “Let’s go. I need to borrow my mom’s car so I can go buy April a birthday present.”
“Didn’t she say her birthday was yesterday?” Lucas asks.
