by Debra Doxer
“Yes,” Myles replies in a clipped tone.
I turn to Lucas to get my bag from him, but he just shoulders it. “I’ll give you both a ride. Come on.” Then he walks toward the parking lot without waiting for a response.
I take a deep breath and try not to ogle Lucas’s impressive backside encased in weathered jeans that hug him in all the right places.
Myles is gearing up to ask me why Lucas delayed me. So, I distract him. “Did you forget April’s birthday?” I ask.
He scowls. “Yeah.”
“Why bother with this?” I ask him.
“What do you mean?” He seems genuinely perplexed.
“I can understand if you’re not ready to announce yourself to the world, but you don’t need a fake girlfriend. Besides, I don’t think you even like April.”
We’re nearly to Lucas’s truck when Myles stops and looks at me. “She’s the one who wanted to go out with me. I figured, why not? I thought that maybe…” He hesitates and looks down at his shoes. “Anyway, by the time I realized she and I weren’t really clicking, I’d let it go on too long. Now there’s no way to break up with her without hurting her feelings.” He shrugs. “It’s senior year anyway. Everyone will go their separate ways soon enough. We’ll grow apart and that will be that.”
I see the sadness in his eyes, and I feel for him. Despite his cavalier attitude, pretending to be someone you’re not can’t be good for you. In my own way, I understand it.
“You two coming?” Lucas calls to us. He’s standing beside the open door of his truck.
Myles walks ahead of me and starts to climb in on the passenger side when Lucas holds out an arm to stop him. “You think I’m holding this door open for you?”
Myles grumbles, pulls opens the back door, and slides inside while I lift myself up onto the front seat and quietly thank Lucas. He nods and places my bag on the floor in front of me.
“What are you going to get her?” I ask as we’re pulling out of the school parking lot.
“Jewelry,” Myles answers.
“What kind?”
“I don’t know. Maybe a necklace or something,” he says absently.
“Put a lot of thought into this, did you?” I ask.
“Okay, help me out then,” he says with a challenge in his voice. “What do you think she would like? What kind of stuff do you like to get?”
I huff out a sad little laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a birthday present. I can feel Lucas looking at me, wondering what my reaction to Myles’s question means. “I’m kidding, Myles,” I answer quickly. “A necklace sounds like a nice gift.”
Within minutes, we arrive at our street. Myles and I both open our doors. I’m about to jump out and call a thanks over my shoulder to Lucas when his hand touches my shoulder. “Hold up a minute, Raielle.”
“See ya,” Myles yells, already dashing across his yard.
I close my eyes and sigh. Then I sit back onto the seat and look at him. His warm hand still rests on my shoulder. The weight of it is radiating heat down my whole body.
“Do you want to tell me what happened back there on the stairwell?” he asks quietly. His eyes are watching mine.
I don’t even bother scrambling for an excuse. I can’t tell Lucas the truth but for some reason I don’t want to lie to him either. When I don’t answer, he asks another question. “Did someone say something to you or do something?” His eyes harden as his question hangs in the air.
I shake my head. “No. Nothing like that.”
He relaxes slightly, removing his hand from my shoulder and running it through his hair. At least, I think he’s more relaxed. His subtle expressions are tough to read.
“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” he says.
“It’s really no big deal.”
He waits until I’m looking at him before saying, “You can talk to me, you know.”
I bark out a surprised laugh.
“What?” he asks. Then he smiles at me. It’s a genuine smile this time, not his trademark smirk.
I thought he was good-looking before, but when he smiles, he’s devastating. “You’re about as approachable as an iceberg,” I inform him, trying not to stare too hard at his perfect features.
His grin stays in place. “That’s because you’ve been about as friendly as a Rottweiler.”
My eyes widen in disbelief. “You’re comparing me to a dog?”
His smile quickly disappears, and he scrubs a hand over his face. “Jesus, no. That’s not what I meant.”
I chuckle softly, liking the sudden appearance of a more human Lucas. “I’m messing with you. I’m not offended. You’re right. I haven’t been very friendly, but you were unfriendly first.”
“So, you were just reacting to me?” he asks with a skeptical look.
His question surprises me. I tense up, not sure how to answer because I’m not just reacting to his gruffness. But I can’t tell him it’s because I feel an attraction to him that I don’t want to feel. I can’t tell him that I have no idea how to deal with my physical reaction to him. I can’t tell him anything close to the truth. When I fail to answer another one of his questions, he tries a different approach. “I know you’re dealing with a lot right now.”
I stiffen even more. He was there at Myles’s house when Chloe spilled the beans about my mother’s death. I just don’t know what beans she spilled exactly.
“So,” he continues, his eyes holding mine, “since I’m most definitely not made of ice, if what happened on the stairs today ever happens again, you can talk to me about it. That’s all I’m saying.”
I blink at him as I realize what he’s thinking. He thinks I had some sort of a panic attack. I laugh ruefully and shake my head. He seems confused by my reaction. He’s being so nice. I’m not sure how to respond to this sweet Lucas. I just know that this Lucas is far more disconcerting and potentially more dangerous for me than the silent brusque one. “Thank you,” I finally say. “I appreciate that.” Then I feel the need to bolt. “Thanks for the ride, too,” I tell him, grabbing my bag, getting ready to jump out.
He seems disappointed. “Anytime,” he finally says.
He stays parked by the curb until I’m inside. I stand in the doorway and watch him drive away feeling a little off kilter. I saw a very different Lucas this afternoon, and now I’m not sure what to think.
Penelope comes running up to me. “I painted a flower in school today and Mommy let me hang it on my wall. Do you want to see?”
I grin down at her. “Sure.”
She takes off down the hallway, and I follow. Then I stand in her purple and pink room, making noises of approval as she shows me her picture. But in my mind, I’m still seeing Lucas. I’m hearing his voice. My skin feels warm and too tight when I think about him. I wonder what effect our conversation will have on how we treat each other in school tomorrow. Will he give me a big friendly hello? Will he try to walk with me to our shared classes again? If that does happen, what kind of gossip will it fuel? Sophie and Kellie will surely have something to say about it. The last thing I want is to bring attention of any kind to myself. After what happened today, I know it’s important to keep my emotions in check. “Stay in the shallow water,” Mom would say. She told me that was the key to surviving when you were like us, and she taught me from childhood how to turn my healing instinct off. She explained it was like another sense. It was like closing my eyes. I got pretty good at it. I did it instinctively. But since I’ve been here, it feels as though it’s hovering near the surface all the time, just waiting for some event to trigger it. Finally, today, I nearly lost control of it.
“Let’s build a block tower,” Penelope suggests, sitting down on her floor, dumping out her pail of wooden blocks.
I sit beside her and begin piling blocks atop one another.
“Are you my sister now?” she asks.
I glance down at her wide brown eyes and her wild, unkempt hair. Chloe always has her perfectly put together in the m
orning, but by the afternoon she’s covered in food stains and her hair looks like it’s been through a hurricane. “I’m your aunt,” I tell her. I realize that I hadn’t really thought of myself that way before. I’m actually an aunt. That’s pretty cool. “I’m your dad’s sister.”
She laughs at me as though I’m being ridiculous. “You can’t be Daddy’s sister. He’s too old.”
I chuckle with her, wondering how Kyle would take that news. But she does have a point when it comes to age. Kyle is only twenty-five, which is fairly young these days to be married with a three-year-old. Chloe is a year younger than he is. She must have been barely out of college when she had Penelope. I couldn’t even begin to imagine being a wife and mother at such a young age, if ever at all.
I’m balancing a block atop the column we’re creating when Penelope says, “You can be my sister, and because your mommy is gone, you can share mine.”
I release the block, and my hand drops into my lap.
“Okay?” she asks. Her voice is quiet and unsure, like it’s our secret.
“Okay,” I whisper.
She smiles, and my gaze leaves her round eyes to travel over her upturned nose and her shiny pink lips. Her innocence tugs at my heart.
“You’re coming with us to Atlas, right?” Myles asks after I meet him outside in the morning.
“Doubtful. What’s Atlas?”
He gives me a curious look. “Didn’t anyone mention it to you?”
“I don’t know why you think your friends talk to me, Myles. They don’t. Show me what’s in the box before we get to April’s house.” I noticed it in his hand right off, and I’m pretty sure that was his intention.
He holds it out to me. Then he dramatically peels the lid back to gradually reveal a silver pendant shaped like a seashell. It has a round blue stone in the middle of it. He’s watching me for my reaction.
“It’s beautiful,” I smile.
“Really?” He seems pleased.
“Really. You did good.” I continue walking, noticing how pleased he is with my compliment.
Myles snaps the box closed and puts it back in his pocket.
“Where can I get a part-time job around here?” I ask him. I know Kyle told me I didn’t need a job but not having my own money and depending completely on him makes me uneasy.
He glances up at the cloud-filled sky and thinks about it. “You could try the new ice cream shop that opened downtown.”
“There’s a new ice cream shop?” I ask surprised.
He nods, distracted now that April is walking toward us.
I decide to make a trip downtown after school to check out this new place. Working around there would be perfect since I could easily walk.
I move ahead of them to give them some privacy. When I hear April squeal in delight, I walk even faster toward the main entrance of the school, but not before turning back to see her jumping up and down with her arms squeezed tightly around his neck.
After a quick stop at my locker, I head to first period. I can’t believe how nervous I am at the thought of an imminent encounter with Lucas. To my surprise, he’s already there when I arrive. As always, my heart thunders in my chest at the sight of him. My fingers tingle when I notice the ends of his hair are still damp from his morning shower, and I want nothing more than to touch them. I wonder if my physical reaction to him will ever approach something close to normal.
He spots me and smiles. I take a deep breath. Once again, his tight smirk is history. His grin is completely genuine and stunning. It appears things are going to be different between us. I debate the wisdom of taking a desk on the other side of the room. If I do that, I’m showing Lucas that I don’t want to be friends or anything else with him. After the way I lost control yesterday, I know that would be the smart thing to do if I want to keep a tight rein on my emotions. But I can’t bring myself to actually do it. I answer Lucas’s smile with one of my own as I sit down beside him.
“Good morning,” he says, turning his whole upper body toward me.
“Morning.” I bend down to pull my textbook and notebook from my bag. I slept well last night, and I gave myself a pep talk this morning. I am going to stay in control today. Not even the attention of Lucas Diesel, the object of many a swooning high school girl’s fantasy life, is going to break me. I can be friends with him and not have it affect the Zen I’m going for today. I hope.
“Hey guys,” Tucker says as he takes the desk behind me.
“Hey,” I reply unenthusiastically.
Lucas doesn’t reply at all. He angles his body forward again.
“Are you going to Atlas this weekend?” Tucker asks.
Since I know he’s speaking to me, I make myself turn around. “That’s the second time I’ve heard about this. What’s Atlas?”
His eyebrows shoot up dramatically. “What’s Atlas?”
“Is there an echo in here?” I ask dryly.
Tucker laughs. “Atlas is the only all ages club around here. Chad Bleeker’s band plays there the second Saturday of every month. You know Chad, right?”
I shake my head.
“He’s in this awesome band called Isolation. They had a song on the radio over the summer. It was just a local station, but still. Anyway, everyone goes when they play.”
“Sounds interesting.” I turn back around and catch Lucas eyeing me. He’s about to say something when the girl with the pixie cut who usually sits next to him appears between us.
“Lucas,” she whines. “You didn’t save me a seat.”
A muscle in his cheek tics. “I never save you a seat.”
The teacher arrives, and the girl huffs her annoyance before heading down the row to an empty seat in the back. Once class begins, getting through the hour with him so close feels like an endurance test. But I pay attention and take continuous notes, all while I’m painfully aware of Lucas beside me.
I resist the urge to dash out of class when the bell rings. Just because I’m foolishly attracted to him like every other girl with a pulse, I shouldn’t take my frustration with myself out on him. If he can be nice, so can I. I take my time gathering my things in case he does plan to wait for me, but pixie girl has a plan of her own.
She appears in front of him and waits until he notices her before she asks, “Do you have practice after school today? Because I was thinking you could give me a ride home after my yearbook meeting.”
“If you can be down on the field by five, I’ll give you a ride,” he replies.
“Great. Thanks.” She smiles widely at him.
Since it would be awkward to remain standing there any longer, I pick up my bag and head for the door.
“Are you guys going to make the state playoffs this year?” I hear her ask him behind me.
“Doubt it. I’ll see you later.”
I feel Lucas beside me now as I enter the busy hallway. When he moves in closer, he asks, “Do you think you’ll go this weekend, to Atlas?”
“Um,” I hesitate. I wasn’t really planning on it. I wonder if he’s about to ask me to go with him. Butterflies take flight in my stomach as I start weighing the pros and cons of that possibility.
“You’re welcome to go with us. You could ask Gwen to come along too if it would make you feel more comfortable.”
To my credit, I don’t laugh out loud at myself and my ridiculous thoughts. He’s obviously not asking me out. “Who’s ‘us’?” I ask.
“Didn’t Myles talk to you?” He seems ready to become annoyed if I answer no.
“I think he started to tell me about it, but we never finished the conversation.” Mainly, because April was strangling him with her birthday present gratitude.
“I’m driving Myles, April, and Jake,” he explains. “I can take you and Gwen, too.”
I glance up at him. Reason tells me to avoid crowds until I’m sure I have my healing instinct under control. But the part of me that likes the idea of a night out, like any normal teenager would, wants to accept the ride. Lucas’s
eyes are trained straight ahead as we maneuver through the crowded hallway. “Thanks. I’ll think about it,” I answer vaguely, still undecided.
He stops suddenly. The students walking behind us curse when they almost run into him. I turn to see him standing there with his hands on his hips, irritation flashing in his eyes. “You’ll think about it?”
I blink curiously, not understanding his reaction. “Yes. Is something wrong?” I ask.
He flashes a tight smile. “Nope. Everything is just perfect,” he says, his voice flat indicating that it’s anything but. Then he continues on to class.
After that, he sits next to me again but he lets Kellie monopolize him. He walks with me to our next class, but he makes no conversation and I don’t bother either. We’ve somehow fallen back into strained silence. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t jump at the chance to go with him and his friends to Atlas. Maybe I should have cheered when he deigned to provide me with a ride.
I give myself a mental shake and decide that I’m way over-thinking this. I make a beeline to my locker when the bell rings.
I say hello in the general direction of Myles’s lunch table when I walk by it to sit with Gwen and her friends. When I arrive, they’re examining the suspicious looking hamburger meat on their lunch trays.
“Everyone seems to be going to Atlas this weekend. Are you guys interested?” I ask as I join, still annoyed with Lucas, but blatantly ignoring my better judgment.
Lisa scowls in response, and Tyler shakes his head.
“I guess that’s a no for you two.” I turn to Gwen.
“Do you want to go?” she asks, putting her half-eaten apple down on her tray.
I shrug. “Lucas said he would drive us. He’s already taking Myles, April, and Jake.” I don’t tell her that he pulled an unexplained mood swing after he asked. So the invitation may be rescinded.
“We would go with Lucas and his friends?” she asks with disbelief, like she’s just won the lottery. I know the thought of riding with Jake is mostly responsible for her reaction.
From across the table, I see Tyler roll his eyes. “You should go,” Lisa says. “We can do our Dexter marathon on Friday night instead.”
