by Debra Doxer
Since I’m a righty, getting through my morning routine is difficult. I end up wearing my hair down because I can’t manage anything else, and I throw on a little print sundress with no buttons or zippers that I haven’t worn since living in San Diego. I’m only holding myself together right now because I’m in deep denial. I don’t want to accept the fact that I’m running out of time.
When I hear Kyle and Chloe chatting about Alec’s continued good health, I skip breakfast and make the walk to school with Myles. Obviously, Alec has not told them what really happened and for some reason, I’m not surprised that he’s kept his word about that.
I know from checking in with Detective Brady that Alec has been called into the local police station here in Fort Upton for questioning twice. Apparently, he’s denying everything. I was told that eventually I’d have to go down there, too, to give a statement in person. So far, Kyle and Chloe are blissfully unaware that this investigation is taking place. They know nothing about Alec’s guilt, and no one has told them. If he’s ever arrested, it will come out. I’m not surprised that Alec is denying all involvement. I’d be more shocked if he admitted to it. Detective Brady assures me that Rob Jarvis will make a deal that includes testifying against Alec. At least, that’s their plan. I appreciate that he’s willing to keep me informed.
Lucas meets me on the front steps of the school and gives me a morning embrace along with a kiss that lasts a little too long and begins drawing cheers. I break away embarrassed, but he just smiles, unbothered by the attention.
“Friday night,” he says, reminding me. But I need no reminder.
I smile, looking forward to it. The other day, Lucas told me that Liam asked why he was never home anymore. After some insisting from me, we agreed that he would spend the next few nights with his family. I know he needs the distraction. Watching me each day is an excruciating waiting game for him. He tries to pretend otherwise, but he can’t hide the dark circles beneath his eyes or the quiet concern that keeps him uncharacteristically subdued. Somehow, I’m able to deal with my condition better than he is. I guess that’s because it’s happening to me. If anything ever happened to him, I would undoubtedly be a complete mess. But we’re both happily anticipating Friday night. Friday night, he told me, he has something special planned. I’m pretty sure I’m collecting on my rain check.
There’s a pop quiz today in history, and I’m soon regretting that Lucas and I sit next to each other in class. I can almost feel his scrutiny as I awkwardly try to write out my answers. Since my left hand writing is about as legible as one of Penelope’s scribbles, I switch to my right hand. I’m actually doing a better job with my right when the pen isn’t slipping out of my fingers and clattering onto the floor. When this happens for the third time, Lucas bends down, beating me to its retrieval. As he’s handing it back to me, he asks, “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I mouth, returning to my test.
The rest of the morning goes smoother since there’s no writing required beyond taking notes. But Lucas hasn’t forgotten history class. Before lunch, he appears at my locker. “Let’s go outside and talk.”
Since I know I can’t avoid this conversation, I agree. When he takes my right hand in his, and I feel nothing, I find myself on the verge of tears. I never thought about this consequence.
He leads me to a patch of shade beneath a tree. We both sit down on the grass, and he takes my hands in his. He turns them over, examining my wrists and forearms. I know he’s looking for lumps. “I don’t see anything,” he says, running his fingers along my skin. “Why couldn’t you hold your pen?”
I bite down on my bottom lip. His eyes are searching mine for answers. It feels like he’s bracing himself for bad news. “My right hand is numb,” I say.
His brow wrinkles as he takes my hand in both of his. “You can’t feel this?”
I shake my head.
“Since when?” he asks.
“Since this morning.”
He rubs his hands along both sides of mine. “Nothing?”
“No. When I dissolved the tumors this morning, I lost all feeling in it. I’m not sure what’s going on.”
“It’s getting worse,” he states. “That’s what’s going on.”
I nod, and look over at the other students sitting on the grass nearby. They’re talking and laughing like they don’t have a care in the world. I feel a pang of regret as I watch them, missing something I never had in the first place.
“I still can’t find anything on your father. You get nothing when you type his name into search engines. I called around to all the business organizations I could find in California, and he’s not known anywhere. I can’t link him to any publishing company that’s located out there.” He pauses, shifting on the grass. It looks like he’s building up to something. “We could try talking to your grandmother,” he suggests too nonchalantly. “She might be able to tell us more.”
I immediately begin shaking my head. I can feel my stomach churn at the thought of it.
“We should go see her,” he states firmly, no longer being delicate about it.
“No, Lucas.”
“Even if she doesn’t know anything else about your father, maybe she can help you.”
My eyes widen in horror. “No!”
“Ray, please…”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. She can’t help me. Her power isn’t nearly strong enough. Even if she could, all she would do is pass this on to someone else. There’s no way I’ll agree to that. I don’t know how you can even suggest going to her.”
He leans toward me. His eyes pierce me with their intensity. “Because I’m desperate. I’d do anything to help you,” he bites out. Then he stills. “Wait a minute. You could give it to her. That’s perfect. She’s a blood relative. Maybe that’s why it didn’t work with Alec. He’s Penelope’s blood, not yours. Maybe that’s why once it was inside you, you couldn’t give it to him. I bet you could give it to your grandmother though.”
I lean away from him shaking my head again. I see the logic in what he’s saying, although there’s no way to be sure it would work. But it doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t knowingly harm someone, not even her. I’ve gradually come to understand how relieved I am not to have passed this disease onto Alec no matter how much I loathe him. I would never tell this to Lucas, but I’m grateful the healing backfired. I think about the selfishness of my grandmother, and the horror she inflicted on Lucas’s family. I remember the way my mother buried her pain and lost herself in addiction. Now I think I can understand the self-loathing she felt after what happened with the boy who had leukemia, and then again with Kelvin’s son. I don’t need any more examples of how misusing my healing power could change me, and twist me into someone I would never want to be.
Lucas reaches out and grips my arms. I can tell he’s gearing up for a monumental argument about this. I need to make him understand.
I pull his hands off me and grasp them tightly. “I won’t use my power to cause harm to others, not even to my grandmother, not even to save myself, especially not for that reason.”
When he opens his mouth to protest, I reach for the back of his neck with both my hands, and I get right in his face. He needs to know exactly how serious I am.
His frantic eyes settle and then focus on mine.
“Listen to me,” I begin. “If I cross that line, I might as well let this disease destroy me now, because I would cease to exist. In my place would be a monster who is no better than my grandmother.”
I stare into his blue depths, trying to silently communicate my unwavering stance, watching closely as his desperation reluctantly changes to understanding and then gradually to pain.
He takes my hands from around his neck and lowers them, holding them in front of him. “What if we find your father and that’s all he can do?” he asks. “Move your disease into someone else? What then? Will you refuse his help?”
I’ll have to refuse it. Lucas must be real
izing that now. If he knows me at all, then deep down, he knows my answer. “Let’s just find him first. Okay?” I ask. I can hear the plea in my voice. I need him to leave this alone. I won’t talk about worst case scenarios with him. It won’t do us any good.
I watch as he struggles against his need to change my mind and purposely calms himself down. His jaw clenches and then relaxes as he reclaims his hand and runs it over his rough cheek. “Okay,” he finally says softly, glancing away from me after a long silence.
When he turns back, his neutral mask is firmly in place. For once, I’m relieved to see it there, but I’m afraid he’s only decided to table the argument for now.
“There are local records kept when businesses apply for any kind of a license or permit,” he says. “If your father owns a business in Los Angeles, his name and the business exist on a register. If we’re there to do the legwork, it’s going to be easier to track him down .We need to leave now. We need to be there.”
I find that I’m resigned to leaving now. I nod my agreement.
“We’ll go tomorrow. I’ll get us some plane tickets.” He waits for my argument. When he receives a tremulous, but grateful smile instead, the tightness around his eyes eases. He exhales softly and places his hands on either side of my face. My cheeks warm when he gently rubs his thumbs over them. Then he leans in and kisses me tenderly.
I can still hardly believe he’s in my life. I’ve never had anyone care about me this way. I never imagined anyone would. I only wish I wasn’t the cause of so much worry for him. He deserves happiness and normalcy. I don’t think he’ll ever have those things with me.
His lips leave mine, and they move up to my ear. “I love you,” he whispers.
I pull in a sharp breath as his words trigger silent tears that begin to roll down my cheeks. When he sees them, he softly kisses them away.
Since I first saw that picture of us on my phone, dancing together at the prom, I’ve understood that I’m in love with Lucas. The way he looked at me in that photo, like I was the most precious thing in the world to him, had me wondering if he felt the same way. But I was afraid I was reading too much into it. I was afraid to really believe it. Never did I imagine that I would hear those words from him or want to say them back. After all Lucas has been through with his family, after all the baggage I’ve unloaded on him, I’m amazed by his willingness to lay his heart on the line for me. I’m stunned by his bravery.
I lean back and wait until our gazes meet. “I love you, too,” I say softly. “So much.”
His eyes lock on mine, and it feels like he’s trying to see inside me to confirm my feelings. I hope he sees the truth. He deserves to know it as surely as I do. Then he kisses me again, and I can taste my salty tears on him.
“I didn’t know how I was going to tell you goodbye when you left,” he says, stroking my face, watching me closely. “Now that we’re going to California together, once you’re well, I’m going to stay for a while if that’s okay.”
He’s apprehensive, waiting for my response. I wonder how he can doubt what my answer will be. My only doubts are not about him. “Of course it’s okay,” I say with a grin spreading across my face. “Stay until classes at Columbia start,” I add optimistically, wanting to reassure him.
He doesn’t return my smile. “You’re going to be fine. You have to believe that.” His tone is one of determination. But I know him too well now. I see it in his eyes. He fears for me, but he’s working hard to appear confident. We both know that a happy summer together in California is much more of a wish than a certainty. That fact hangs heavy between us. As the bell rings, I’m afraid Myles got it right. I probably will hurt Lucas in the end. When I do, I wonder if he’ll think it was worth it.
Lucas stands and reaches down to help me up. Things are different between us now. I’ve never felt this close to another human being. It’s overwhelming, how strong my feelings are for him.
“I need to take off,” he says once we reach the main door. “If we’re going to leave tomorrow, I have some things to handle.”
“Do you think they’ll still let us graduate?” I ask.
“I just have one paper left to turn in. What about you?”
“I have my chemistry final next week,” I answer, feeling my shoulders slump. Lucas can still turn in his paper, but I’m not sure what missing a final will mean.
“Talk to your teacher,” he says. “See what you can do.”
I nod. I have no other choice.
The heavy school door swings open, nearly hitting me. Chad pushes his way out, smacking a cigarette pack against the palm of his hand.
“Watch it, asshole,” Lucas scowls at him.
Chad stops and turns to him. “What did you say?” he asks, narrowing his eyes.
“You heard me,” Lucas replies aggressively, looking too pleased at this unexpected opportunity to challenge Chad.
Then Chad notices me standing there. His gaze shifts between Lucas and me before something occurs to him. “Hey,” he says to both of us. “You didn’t get into it with Rob again, did you?”
Lucas and I glance at each other. “No, why?” I ask.
“Because the little shit disappeared. He didn’t show up for practice this week. He isn’t answering his phone. We’ve got a gig on Saturday and he fucking fell into a hole or something.”
My muscles fill with tension as I hear Lucas answer. “We haven’t seen him.”
Chad withdraws a cigarette and lights it. “I’m gonna kick his ass when he turns up.” Then he moves past us muttering angrily, his annoyance with Lucas forgotten.
“He ran,” Lucas says once Chad is out of earshot.
“Maybe.” I pull out my phone. “I’m calling the police to see if they have him.”
I scroll through my list of recent calls, find Detective Brady’s number, and dial while walking around to the side of the building for privacy. I feel Lucas move beside me as I lean back against the warm concrete. When his line rings for the fourth time, Brady abruptly picks up and gruffly says his name, startling me with his tone.
“Um, hi. This is Raielle Blackwood.” I glance at Lucas. His eyes are intent on me.
“Oh, Raielle,” Brady says. “What can I do for you?”
“I just heard one of Rob Jarvis’s friends say that he’s disappeared. I was wondering if you’ve arrested him.”
He sighs into the phone. “We got a match on some DNA found in your apartment. We can put him there now. We could make an arrest, but we’re having trouble finding him.”
I close my eyes. “So, he did run.” I feel the weight of Lucas’s hand on my shoulder.
“Looks that way. We had some uniforms watching him. So, I’m not sure how he did it. But we’ll get him.”
I open my eyes and squint against the brightness of the sun. “What if you can’t find him?”
“We will,” he replies. His voice is tight and clipped, filled with the confidence of authority. “In the meantime, we’re going to have to talk to your brother. We need to know more about his father’s relationship with your mother.”
I shoot a worried glance at Lucas. “I told you. Kyle doesn’t know anything. He wasn’t involved.”
“We have to talk to everyone, Raielle,” Detective Brady says.
I push off the wall, wondering if Kyle would ever tell the police about my healing power, and if he did tell them, would they believe it? Maybe I’ve been fooling myself thinking the police would be able to get justice for my mother. They’ll either have no motive if everyone keeps my secret or they’ll have a motive that’s simply ludicrous to them.
Brady tells me goodbye and ends the call. But I still stand there, holding the phone to my ear.
“This doesn’t change anything for us,” Lucas says, squeezing my shoulder to draw my attention. “We still need to leave now.”
I put the silent phone away, thinking about Kyle and Penelope, and imagining the police arriving at the house. Then I picture the foundation of their happy home c
rumbling beneath them. “Maybe we could wait a day or two?” I suggest, barely finishing the sentence before his jaw sets stubbornly.
“No.”
“This feels like running away now,” I protest.
He brings his face close to mine. “This is running to something, Ray. This is fighting for your future. You seem to think your life isn’t as important as everyone else’s.”
I look into his stormy eyes, and I’m afraid he’s right. When nobody gives a shit about you for most of your life, you begin to believe the hype, or lack of it. But that’s not the case anymore. I know I need to fight. I owe it to both Lucas and myself. I want a future with him more than anything. “Get the tickets,” I tell him.
My answer seems to satisfy him. “You go talk to your chemistry teacher. I’ll come by your house later after school, and we’ll figure out what we’re going to tell our families about our trip.”
Then he pulls me into his arms and gives me a scorching kiss. It takes me by surprise. It’s overwhelming, the way his mouth is suddenly devouring mine. This kiss is filled with desperation and laced with promise. He won’t say that he’s afraid of losing me, but his kiss is telling me it’s true. When he finally breaks away, we’re both breathless.
He takes my hand and releases it slowly as he turns away and walks toward the parking lot.
I walk out of school with a heavy heart. I waited until Gwen left the classroom. Then I told my chemistry teacher I had to go back to California to deal with some family issues. He told me he’d be happy to accommodate me with a make-up test or even a take home exam after speaking with my parents. But I don’t yet know what I’m going to tell Kyle about my leaving. So, that may not be a viable option.
It’s early afternoon, and I beat everyone home. I head downstairs to begin organizing my things. I can’t believe that after all these years of making school my number one priority, I’m going to miss the last couple of weeks and possibly not graduate. My UCLA acceptance is dependent upon my obtaining my high school diploma.
