by Debra Doxer
I can feel my pulse speeding up, and I close my eyes, putting a stop to my panic, deciding to handle one crisis at a time. Trying to get well needs to be my priority now. If I can’t manage that, nothing else is going to matter.
I sit down on my bed and rub my hand. It feels so strange, like it doesn’t belong to the rest of my arm. I use it to carefully pick up my copy of Jane Eyre, which sits on my night stand, and I place it beside the other items I’ve gathered.
When the doorbell rings, my heart flutters figuring it must be Lucas. I’m dismayed as the exhaustion that’s my constant companion forces me to trudge slowly up the stairs. I pull open the front door and stand frozen in place. I’m stunned by who I see there.
“Aren’t you gonna let me in?” Apollo asks.
He shaved his goatee, and his hair is longer, but he’s still skinny as a rail in his too-tight jeans and black button down shirt.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, wide-eyed when he steps past me into the house.
I stare up at his six foot six frame. He glances around, checking the place out, before turning back to me again. “Sorry about your mom,” he says.
His comment throws me, sending me back to that terrible moment. “Your door was open. Were you there that day?”
“No. I wasn’t around,” he offers dismissively, liked he missed the bus instead of my mother’s murder. “Congratulations on UCLA by the way.” He smiles without any humor, and his fleshless face reminds me of a grinning Halloween skeleton.
“Thanks,” I reply hesitantly, remembering his prickly personality and how carefully I used to tread around it. “Thank you for sending it to me.”
He shrugs like it was nothing. Then he places his large hands on his narrow hips. “Your father sent me to get you.”
I blink in surprise. “What?”
“You heard me. He knows you’ve been looking for him. He knows,” Apollo pauses, “you’re not well. He wants to try to help you.”
“How do you know my father?”
One side of his mouth lifts. “Me and him. We go way back.”
I stare at him confused, my mind reeling. “What do you mean? Did you know him when we lived above you?”
He tilts his head at me and raises skeptical eyebrows, indicating how stupid he thinks my question is.
My blood runs cold. Does this mean my father was keeping tabs on us?
Apollo can see my questions building up. “Look, I know you’re on your way to find him, and he’s saving you the trouble. We don’t have time for chit-chat. I’ll answer all your questions later. Now go pack a bag. The woman and her kid will be back in less than half an hour. We need to be gone by then.” He stands staring at me, and his booted toe begins to tap.
I don’t understand any of this. I cross my arms and stare down my nose at him. “I’m not going to just leave with you.”
Apollo remains silent.
“I need to talk to my boyfriend before I agree to anything,” I insist, hating that I’m using that word for the first time with Apollo of all people.
He only blinks at me.
His calm is fueling my anger. “Apollo!” I scream in frustration.
He takes two long strides toward me and bends down so that his nose is only inches from mine. “Your boyfriend. That’s the kid whose been phoning all over LA looking for Rainard Blackwood.” He chuckles. “That was never really your daddy’s name. That’s why he let your mother keep it. You need to forget about him. And we need to get moving. You have ten minutes to pack or you’ll have to leave with nothing.”
His words slowly sink in. We didn’t even have the right name. We were never going to find him on our own, but I still don’t move. “I’m not going to forget about him, and I’m not leaving without him.”
He squints at me and shakes his head. “What? You think you love him?”
“I do love him.”
“Well, that’s too bad,” he frowns.
“Why is that?”
“Because he can’t come with us.”
“Then I can’t come with you.”
His cool doesn’t melt at all. “What happened to you, Raielle? The girl I knew wouldn’t let herself get attached to a goddamned puppy dog, never mind some high school boy. You’ve changed, kid.”
He’s right, and I know why. “I’ve found my family, Apollo.” And I’m including Lucas in that category.
He nods. “Yeah. You’ve found some of them. But your daddy is your family, too. If you want to be cured of this thing you’ve given yourself, he’s the only family that counts right now. His condition for helping you is that you disappear quietly. You can’t tell anyone, and you can’t bring anyone with you. Now, you can come with me or not. It’s up to you. But we both know your chances aren’t real good without his help. In fact, I’d say they’re pretty fucking dismal.”
I clench my jaw in frustration. “Why is my father doing this? He’s never bothered with me before. Does he even care if I live or die?”
Apollo lowers his dark gaze to mine. “He’s does care. That’s why I’m here. He’s been staying away to protect you. To keep you out of his life so you could try to have a normal one. There are people out there who would come after you if they knew you were his daughter. Dangerous people, Raielle. I’m the only way you’re going to get to him.”
I don’t know what to think. Am I supposed to believe everything Apollo is telling me and just go with him? “How long would we be gone?” I ask.
He hesitates before answering. “I don’t know.”
I balk at that.
He shakes his head at my reaction. “You need to trust me. Have I ever lied to you?”
“No,” I concede. “But you sure left a lot of shit out, didn’t you?”
He seems amused by my comment. But he soon grows serious again. “Do you think your brother or your boyfriend would want you to pass up a chance to be cured?”
We both know how I’ll answer that question. So, I don’t bother. I tilt my head at him instead. “Let’s say I do go with you, and my father cures me. How will he do it? Will he transfer this disease into someone else? If that’s the best he can do, I’m not interested anyway,” I toss out at him with more bravado than I feel.
He chuckles at my statement, like my sudden spunk is amusing to him. “To be honest, I’ve got no clue how that shit works. I’ve never wanted anything to do with it. The only way to know that is to come with me.”
I study him, but I’m not sure if he’s telling the truth or not. “If I don’t like what I see when I get there, then what? I’m free to go? I can come back here?”
Apollo’s dark eyes watch me. “No, probably not,” he says bluntly. “Once I bring you to him, people will eventually figure out who you are. After that, you’ll need stay to close. You’ll be under his protection. Coming back here would be putting yourself and anyone you care about at risk.”
“Under his protection?” I laugh. “Who does he think he is the mafia or something? What does that even mean? Will he lock me away somewhere? Why on earth would I agree to that?”
A small smile curves his lips. “No, that’s not what it means. You’ve always been under his protection. Do you think you’ve stayed safe all these years because you’re lucky? You’ve lived with drunks and abusers. You’ve been surrounded by thieves and junkies. How many times have you walked home alone at night through some pretty dicey neighborhoods? Yet, not a hair on your head has ever been harmed. You must think you’re the luckiest damn girl in the world.”
As I stare at him, I nearly forget to breathe. My chest feels tight as my gaze lands on the floor. The truth of what he’s saying is too obvious to doubt. I did think I was lucky. But he’s right. No one is that lucky. My father has been protecting me all along.
“This was going to happen eventually,” he says. “Your daddy’s been hoping to meet you for a long time. If he can cure you, what you do after that isn’t up to me. I can’t make you any promises about what comes next. I can only tell
you that if you don’t come with me, you have no future with your boyfriend or anyone else. If this boyfriend really cares about you, I’m sure he wouldn’t want that.”
Apollo’s point is too sharp to dismiss, and I actually start to consider leaving with him. But if I do, Lucas won’t understand. He’s going to despise me for disappearing like this without a word. He’s never been confident of my feelings for him, and I know that’s my fault. But if I stay here and risk my life for more time with him, he’ll blame himself for my fate. I know he won’t be able to live with that, and I could never put that burden on him.
I look up at Apollo, finally understanding what’s happening, and it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room. If I don’t want this disease to kill me, I have to go with him. If I choose to go with him, I have to walk away from Lucas without saying goodbye and without explaining anything. I don’t know how long it will be before I can see him. If my father can’t cure me, I may never feel his arms around me again. Only a few months ago, I didn’t even know Lucas, and now I feel like he’s a part of me. He thinks I’m his ray of sunshine, but somehow, without my even acknowledging it until this moment, he’s become my center. All my strength is sourced from the love he gives me. I hold my hands up to my mouth as the reality of my situation barrels into me, flaying me to the bone.
“Now go get your stuff,” Apollo says. His voice has gentled in the face of my despair. But I still can’t seem to move. “Dammit,” he mutters, pushing past me, heading down the stairs.
In a daze, I follow behind him and watch as he shoves the clothes that I’ve already put out on my bed into the duffle bag I have sitting on the floor.
“Still reading this,” he states, holding up my frayed copy of Jane Eyre. He tosses that into the bag, too. “Is that everything?” he asks, pulling out my phone charger and placing it on the table beside my phone. “You need to leave that here. It can be traced.”
I’m watching him silently, too emotional to pay attention. But when I realize he’s taken my phone, I break out of my stupor, knowing I can’t be so cruel as to leave Lucas in the dark this way. I turn on Apollo. “I’m calling Lucas. I won’t have him wondering if I’m alive or not. I can’t do that to him. It’s just one phone call, and I’m willing to die for it if you make me.” I reach for my phone and silently dare him to stop me. When he doesn’t immediately object, I start to head upstairs for privacy.
“Oh, no you don’t.” Apollo grabs my arm, and I can see he’s wavering. “Fine. You can make your one call, but I need to hear it. Just keep to the facts. No details. Short and sweet.”
I yank myself from his grasp. “You haven’t told me any details.”
“For good reason.”
I glare at him. He remains silent as I clumsily manipulate the phone. I tap Lucas’s number and listen to it ring, but the sound is nearly drowned out by my hammering heart.
“No.” A frustrated whisper leaves my lips when I get his voicemail. Then I try to slow my thoughts down. I need to think clearly. I need to tell him how I feel in case I don’t get this chance again. I try to keep my voice steady so I won’t worry him. When I open my mouth to speak, I’m still not sure what I’m going to say.
“It’s me,” I begin, hearing the hitch in my voice. I draw a deep breath into my lungs before continuing. “My father knows we’re looking for him. He sent someone to get me. We had the wrong name, Lucas. We were never going to find him ourselves.” I dart a look at Apollo to see if he’s angry at what I’ve just revealed, but he only looks bored and disinterested. So, I continue.
“My father says he can heal me, but that I need to come to him alone. And I need to go right now. I’m so sorry I have to leave this way…without you, without saying goodbye. But please don’t worry. I’m going to be fine.” I pause after my lie. I don’t know that I’m going to be fine. While that lie slips easily from my lips, I won’t lie about seeing him soon. I don’t want him waiting for me if I can’t come back to him. That would be too unkind.
I take another breath before continuing. “I love you,” I whisper, tightening my throat against the emotion that threatens to steal my voice. “I promise to never stop loving you. ‘All my heart is yours, Lucas: it belongs to you.’” I end the call, finally releasing the sob that’s been building inside me, reciting the rest of the quote I know so well silently to myself… and with you it would remain, were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence forever.
I feel Apollo removing the phone from my grasp. “Very nice. Now, come on. This is just a high school romance. Believe me, you’ll get over him. You’re meant for bigger things. If everything works out, your life is about to get good and interesting. And all this? Soon, this place will be the definition of dull. I can promise you that.”
When I stand there silently, trying to staunch my tears, not showing the immediate recovery he obviously expects after his little pep talk. He sighs impatiently. “You ready to go?”
I glance up at him. “No.”
His voice softens. “Come on. We’re driving, and we have a lot of road to cover.”
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“We’re going home, Raielle.”
He ushers me outside, carrying my bag for me. I turn to look at Myles’s house as I walk toward the small hatchback Apollo has parked on the street. I recall the first time I saw Lucas standing there in the darkness. The way we connected to each other from the very beginning. The way we fell in love. Loving Lucas has irrevocably changed me. I can never again be the closed-off, focused girl who tried not to care about anyone. I regret not telling him that. I worry that he doesn’t understand how deep my feelings for him run. I’m afraid he’ll despise me for disappearing this way.
I stumble, and Apollo catches me. “Let’s go, kid,” he says gently. “You’re gonna be in good hands. Your daddy isn’t gonna let you die if he can help it.”
But I know he’s wrong. If I do survive, a part of me will die anyway if I’m without Lucas.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading.
Yes, the story will continue! When I have information available, I’ll post it to my blog debradoxer.blogspot.com.
Other books by me
To my early readers, your enthusiasm for my initial drafts energized me and kept me going when precious time for writing was scarce. My sincere thanks to Jennifer Bolduc, Annemarie Donovan, Melanie Turano, Caryn Feldman, Deb Goodman, Diedre Heck, Karen Larochelle, Vicki Malver, Sue Panioli, Lori Seller, and Amie White.
I owe a second shout out to Annemarie Donovan, babysitter extraordinaire, who gave me those final quiet hours I needed to try to get the story as right as I could.
Lots of extra Xs and Os to Amie White. You’ve been a major wiseass since I met you in fifth grade. It feels like you’ve been making me laugh forever. Now, you’re inspiring me, too.
At the eleventh hour, when I hit the panic button, I’m so grateful to Caryn, Scott, and especially Dad for coming to my rescue. When it’s crunch time, I can always count on my family. You too, Mom. Mobile devices may not be your thing, but unwavering support is. Love you.
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