No-One Ever Has Sex On A Tuesday: A Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

“I’m not boring,” retorted Matthew almost shouting. “We can’t all pretend we’re still seventeen you know, working in that grown up playground they call advertising. Some of us decide to get married, settle down and make something of ourselves, get a serious job with a future.”

  “Is that what you think? That I have never grown up? It’s a damn sight more mature to do a job you love rather than the dull crap you must do all day.”

  “That’s bollocks Katy,” said Matthew, banging the table with his fist.

  Suddenly they were aware that they weren’t alone. The barman was standing right in front of them and the lady in the raincoat was peering from behind his back.

  “Look, can you just keep it down. You’re upsetting me regulars who have just come in for a quiet drink,” said the barman.

  “That’s right. You’re making my dog quite jumpy an’ all,” said the woman.

  They looked over to the bar where the three men were slumped, virtually asleep.

  “OK mate,” said Matthew quietly.

  “And that baby in there int’ gonna grow up contented like, if its mum and dad are arguing like cat and dog,” added the woman for good measure.

  “We’re fine,” said Matthew quickly. “Thanks.”

  The barman and the old lady shuffled away, satisfied they had sorted out the posh couple.

  “Great, even a daft old bat thinks the baby is mine,” said Matthew.

  “Look Matthew, this is pointless. You are off the hook, just walk away,” said Katy, deciding to put a swift end to this unpleasant encounter. She got up from her seat and found herself stroking her belly protectively as she looked down at Matthew.

  “There is a slim chance, a very slim chance this baby could be yours but doing anything about it will only lead to heartache. You have a wife expecting twins. They need you. We have to make a pact to forget the thought of this small possibility and leave it at that. There is no other way. Now, I need a pee and by the time I come out I expect you to be gone.” She turned and strode to the toilet without a backward glance. The whole situation had given her a headache and she wanted the thinking and the talking to be over. “Enough,” she murmured as she opened the door to the ladies toilet.

  Matthew watched her walk away and found himself hoping that she would at least turn around. She didn’t.

  “It was good to see you,” Matthew found himself saying as he gathered up his coat and walked out of the door.

  Chapter 9

  “The primary school down the road has an excellent Ofsted report so we’re hoping that the head is still there by the time the twins are ready for school. Unfortunately the secondary school we are in the catchment area for is pretty poor so we think we’ll have to move before they get to eleven but that gives us plenty of time to check out which the best schools in the area are and where we really want to live.”

  Katy was staring at Alison open mouthed. She was yet to buy a single nappy never mind do any thinking on schooling. She was actually still in shock that she was sitting there having a normal, well normal-ish, conversation with Alison at all. After her clandestine meeting with Matthew she had called Daniel with the news. The deed was done. It was over. Daniel of course with his eager beaver nose for searching out the flaws in anything Katy did asked immediately what they were going to do about the baby training class thing that they were both attending.

  “Well I am sure that Matthew and Alison won’t turn up again. There’s no way Matthew will risk it. He’ll make some excuse I’m sure,” she said at the time.

  “Mmmmm, OK, if you say so,” replied Daniel.

  “Don’t say it like that. Look he has too much to lose. You really think he’s going to let his wife get within one hundred yards of me again. He got away with it last time. Letting it happen again would just be plain stupid.”

  “Really stupid,” Katy murmured to herself as she glared at Matthew across the classroom. He didn’t look like he was concentrating on the group discussion with the other birthing partners about support options during labour. She kept catching him glancing nervously over to her and Alison. The women were supposed to be discussing pain relief but somehow the conversation had wound around to what Alison thought her kids might be doing in eleven years time.

  “Another idea for you to consider is a Happy Box,” cut in Joan trying to steer the conversation back on track. “A Happy Box is a collection of things that make you happy or smile or relax. Like maybe a favourite photograph or soft toy or maybe even a poem. My husband read a whole poetry book to me when I gave birth to our fourth and it was by far my best birth. Can any of you think of something that could help you in the same way. What about you Katy, what relaxes you?”

  “Erm, well I don’t get much time to relax really,” faltered Katy.

  “Come on, there must be something. What about when you’re really stressed after a tough day at the office? What’s the first thing you do when you get home to unwind?” pressed Joan.

  She wanted to say it was to pour an enormous glass of wine but didn’t think it would go down too well. There was one thing she did resort to if she’d had an absolutely terrible day but the mere thought of it made her flush with embarrassment.

  “Come on Katy, you can tell us, whatever it is,” said Joan gently, placing a reassuring hand over hers.

  She looked up and saw that everyone was staring at her expectantly. “I put my Hue & Cry tape on,” she said quickly, then looked around the group for approval of her occasional dalliance with cheesy eighties music. “I know it sounds stupid but Looking for Linda just cheers me up for some reason.” She went bright red with embarrassment as everyone gave her blank looks.

  “Who are you talking about?” Charlene asked finally. “I’ve never heard of them.”

  “They were a band in the eighties,” replied Katy miserably, knowing that somehow she had really let herself down.

  “Oh, I see. That was before I was born,” said Charlene proudly. “I didn’t think you were that old. I told Luke that I thought Ben was a lot younger than you but he reckoned that Ben just looks young for his age, what with all that sport he does and everything,” she said.

  Katy was stunned. Her pregnancy fuzzled brain couldn’t work fast enough to compute the amount of potential insults there were in what Charlene had just said.

  “So I said to Luke there’s about ten years between them. Am I right?” asked Charlene as if she was asking something as innocent as directions to the corner shop.

  Katy still couldn’t speak.

  “My cousin Amy goes to Ben’s school you know,” continued Charlene, oblivious to Katy’s distress. “She says all the girls think he’s dead fit. I told her that I’d met his girlfriend and she told all her mates and they reckon they’re all gonna come and scratch your eyes out. But I wouldn’t worry, they’re always saying stupid stuff like that at that school ’cause they’re all thick.”

  “Which school did you say Ben teaches at?” asked Alison, turning to Katy.

  “Castle Hill Comp,” replied Katy in a trance.

  “I must remember that,” said Alison.

  “Well, ladies,” said Joan cheerfully. “That’s just splendid. I’ll leave you to think of some other things to go in your Happy Box whilst I go and check on the men.”

  “So guys how are we getting on here then?” asked Joan.

  “Well I reckon if in doubt, offer a banana. Can’t go wrong with a banana,” said Ben, wielding the one he had picked out of the prop bag of possible things to offer your partner during labour.

  “You could be right, but Katy might get sick of bananas after ten hours of labour, so you might need some other options up your sleeve to keep her calm,” said Joan. “So who would like to take me through what item you have put next to what picture of the stages of labour?”

  Matthew, Ben and Richard looked at each other furtively. Luke stared into space as he had done for the entire session.

  “OK, I’ll do it,” said Matthew finally.

  “
Take it steady mate,” said Ben winking at Luke. “We don’t want you coming over all peculiar like last week again. There are some pretty graphic pictures here.”

  “I told you it was something I ate. I was awake all night throwing up,” said Matthew, whose top lip had broken into a sweat.

  “Yeah whatever. Come on then, fire away. There’s a truly glorious pint awaiting my presence somewhere,” replied Ben, looking at his watch.

  Matthew scowled at Ben then presented Joan with his most charming smile.

  “So Joan, we thought in the early stages of labour whilst you are still at home that maybe the best thing would be…”

  “A banana,” cut in Ben. “The perfect snack. Full of energy and nutritious. Athletes swear by them you know.”

  “Actually Ben, we decided either a bath or a favourite DVD to distract them would be good,” said Matthew through gritted teeth.

  “But Katy’s favourite DVD is The Sound of bloody Music. Do you really think I want my child entering the world to the sound of a load of nuns yodelling?”

  “It was a goatherd,” said Richard.

  “What was?” asked Ben.

  “It was a lonely goatherd that yodelled in The Sound of Music, not the nuns.”

  “Well hallelujah, that’s all right then. As long as the nuns aren’t yodelling I’m absolutely fine that my son will enter the world to the sound of the gayest musical of all time,” said Ben.

  “Is it a boy?” came out of Matthew’s mouth before he could stop it. Katy hadn’t said anything about knowing what sex the baby was.

  “No idea. But if it is, he needs the right influences from day one. I’m thinking highlights of Euro 96. Shearer, Gascoigne, Seaman, beating Holland 4-1, Pearce getting that penalty, you just don’t get any better than that.”

  “But Katy doesn’t even like football,” said Matthew. “I mean I’m sure she doesn’t, what with her being a woman and everything. No woman really likes football,” he added quickly when Ben gave him a slightly confused look.

  “Right, come on boys, we’re running out of time. A bath or a DVD, whatever the DVD, are both good ideas. Now carry on Matthew please,” said Joan.

  “Well next we thought it might be a good idea to ring a friend or their mother. Someone who has been through labour and can reassure them that whatever they’re feeling is normal,” Matthew ploughed on.

  “Look I am sorry to interrupt again but believe me if you knew Katy’s mum you wouldn’t be calling her to alleviate any kind of pain. She refuses to accept that Katy is pregnant and thinks I’ve ruined her life. I can practically hear her nostrils flaring whenever I talk to her on the phone,” said Ben.

  “She was always very friendly to me,” said Matthew.

  “You’ve met Katy’s mum?” asked Ben confused.

  “Well, err, me and Katy were in the same form at school you know. So it must have been at sports day or speech day, or something. Dove Valley was very big on parent participation,” stumbled Matthew.

  “Sod that. These days the less we see of them the better,” said Ben. “Dennis, who does careers counselling at my school, got head-butted the other week by some lad’s dad. This lad said that when he left school he wanted to set up a business importing Thai women to marry British men. Dennis didn’t know what to say so he asked the lad if he thought it was ethical to treat women in such a way and commit them to a terrible life, being at the beck and call of sad, old men. Turns out this lad’s dad was a sad, old man who’d been married to a Thai bride for eighteen months. A few hours later he marches in and just headbutts him. You want danger money to be a teacher nowadays I tell you.”

  “Which school do you work at again?” asked Matthew.

  “Castle Hill Comp,” replied Ben.

  “I must remember that,” said Matthew.

  At the end of the class Joan gave her rallying speech.

  “So people, hopefully you have now had a chance to think about what is going to happen during labour and how you will make the most of this glorious experience as you prepare to welcome your new baby into the world. Remember millions of people have gone through this before, but your birth will be totally unique and should be treasured and cherished as one of the most important experiences of your life. Think about it like that and not something to be blocked out at all costs by artificial means. You ladies are blessed, truly blessed to have a body that has performed the miracle of conceiving a child, don’t doubt your body now. Don’t doubt that it can’t complete this phenomenon. You can do it on your own if you really want to; I have absolute faith in all of you. Now any last questions before we leave?”

  “So if the first epidural doesn’t block out all the pain, will they give me another one?” asked Charlene.

  Joan stared at Charlene for a few seconds before saying, with a sigh, “They will give you whatever you and the doctor think is necessary and good for you and the baby. OK guys that’s enough for today. Can you just stack the chairs on your way out and we will see you next week.”

  “I so want to have a natural birth but I’m scared that I won’t be able to, then I’ll feel like I’ve really let these two down,” said Alison to Katy, almost in tears as they shuffled towards the door.

  Katy looked at her for the first time as just another woman, petrified at the thought of giving birth, rather than Matthew’s wife who needed to be avoided at all costs.

  “You’ll be OK. It’s twins after all. You’ll be a hero however they come out,” Katy found herself saying.

  “Do you think so? You sound just like my friend Karen. She’s always telling me not to be so stupid whilst being really nice at the same time,” said Alison.

  “I guess you must be missing your friends at the moment,” Katy said before realising that she was entering into conversation with the one who should not be spoken to.

  “Desperately,” said Alison as a tear slid down her left cheek. “I thought moving up here was going to be perfect. I’ve planned it so carefully because you have to don’t you, when you have a family to think about. But it’s hard without friends and family around you. And Matthew works really long hours now he’s a partner so I spend a lot of time on my own.” Another tear leaked out of her left eye.

  “Please don’t cry,” said Katy, panicking for the second time that evening. “You’ve only just moved. You’ll make new friends once the babies have arrived, that’s what everyone says always happens,” said Katy, now desperate to stop the substantial leakage down Alison’s cheeks.

  “You’re right; I know you’re right. Sorry to be such a cry baby. Look I know I don’t know you but Matthew told me that he remembered you went to school together so you know him, though not very well he said. Why don’t you and Ben come round for dinner this weekend? I think I’ll scream if I don’t get some adult conversation with someone other than Matthew and the midwife,” said Alison.

  The invitation hung in the air as Katy stared at Alison in horror. How had this happened? How was she standing here being invited to dinner by the wife of the man who may have made her pregnant?

  It was then that she saw something move very fast in the corner of her eye as someone or something came hurtling towards them. She turned and saw that it was actually Matthew, who appeared to be going for the record in sprinting across a hospital room.

  He arrived at where Alison and Katy were standing narrowly avoiding the embarrassment of stopping via a skid.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” asked Matthew, just a little bit out of breath.

  “Oh it’s just me being silly darling,” said Alison. “I was just telling Katy that she reminds me of Karen and then I started missing her and I just couldn’t help it. Stupid I know. Anyway tell Katy that she and Ben must come to dinner on Saturday to stop me going out of my mind with boredom. You can reminisce about old times and Katy can tell me all your secrets about what you were really like at school. I bet he was good looking wasn’t he?”

  “Well they must already have plans,” said Matt
hew, blind panic written on his face. “You can’t just expect them to drop everything to entertain us.”

  “No – no plans,” came a voice from behind them. “We’d love to come. You can show me that signed cup programme you were bragging about earlier,” said Ben.

  “Perfect, that’s settled then,” said Alison getting a pre-printed address card out of her bag and handing it to Katy. “We’ll see you at 7.30pm.”

  And with that she whisked off down the corridor, dragging Matthew behind her, leakage miraculously cured and a pleased smile on her face.

  Chapter 10

  “We’ll have to get a move on, Rick and Braindead will be waiting,” said Ben as soon as they were outside.

  “What?” asked Katy, barely listening after the turn of events in the last five minutes.

  “Remember? We’re going for a beer with them so we can organise Rick’s stag-do,” said Ben.

  “Oh God I’d completely forgotten. Don’t you want to go on your own? You don’t need me there do you?” asked Katy.

  “Of course we do. If you’re not there we’ll never get it sorted. We got pissed last time and couldn’t remember a thing we decided,” said Ben. “Besides we said we were going to the Red Lion in Otley. The guys are really looking forward to it.”

  “I bet they are,” said Katy with a sigh. Her determination not to let the pregnancy affect their social life had been fully welcomed by Ben and his mates who suddenly found themselves with a free taxi service. However lately to her dismay she had found herself longing to be tucked up in bed by 9 o’clock, rather than having a night with the boys, even if it was usually highly entertaining.

  “Let’s go then,” she said, fumbling for her keys.

  “You’re a star,” said Ben. “After the baby arrives I’ll drive you all the time, I promise. Braindead’s even offered his babysitting services to us. He says he loves kids apparently.”

  “Ben, I like Braindead, you know I do, but I doubt he even knows where babies come from never mind being able to look after one.”

  “Are you implying that my very good friend Braindead is a virgin?” asked Ben. “April 3rd 2001, Nicola Sherwin at precisely 11.56pm in a bus shelter in Headingly.”