by A. D. Ellis
“No worries, I walked over so I can walk home. I didn’t know how much we’d be drinking so I didn’t want to drive.” Aly shrugged and gathered her belongings.
“Nah, we’ve gotcha, Aly. I’m staying at Luke’s tonight, so we can drop you off.” Sawyer stood behind Luke, wrapping his arms around his waist.
“Thanks for making my coming home so easy, guys. I’m calling the therapist tomorrow to set up appointments. I’ll be back at work as usual as well.” Kendrick hugged each and every one of them.
“We’re all really glad to have you back home, this group isn’t the same without you.” Katie kissed his cheek.
“Call on any of us, at any time. I mean it, man.” Sawyer slapped him on the shoulder.
When those who were leaving were gone, Kendrick faced Zach and Zoey in the overly-bright kitchen. Taking a deep breath, he ran a hand over his face.
“What’s up, man?” Zach’s concern was genuine.
With pained eyes, Kendrick looked at them, “I’m scared. I don’t want to go talk to someone. I’m afraid talking about it will make it worse. But I also know I’ve got to do something to clear my head and get myself back on track.”
Zoey gathered him in her arms. “It will hurt, and it will be uncomfortable. You’ll hate it, you’ll feel exhausted, but once you start talking and moving past it, you’ll start to feel lighter. You’ll feel like you can breathe again. Seriously, talk to us, and talk to my dad. He knows a lot about what you’re going through.”
“Yeah, I hate that he does, but it sounds like he knows the pain all too well.” Kendrick kissed Zoey on the cheek and slapped Zach on the back. “I’m heading to bed. See you guys at The Center+ tomorrow.”
Once in bed, he pulled up Jay’s number.
Kendrick: Hey.
Jay: Hey.
Kendrick: So, I’ll be back at work full time this week. And I’m starting appointments with a therapist. Just wanted you to know what was going on if I’m not as available as I’ve been, or if you don’t see me at lunch. I’d like to make plans with you though. Maybe for Friday or Saturday night?
Jay: Let’s play it by ear and see how you’re feeling by the end of the week. Text me. I’ll miss my favorite new end-of-lunch-rush customer.
He smiled.
Kendrick: And I’ll miss my Pixie.
Jay: Stop calling me that.
Kendrick: How about I call you Jayden?
Jay: Nope
Kendrick: Jordan?
Jay: No
Kendrick: Jemimah?
Jay: No!
Kendrick: Okay, then I’ll just stick with Pixie for now. Unless you want to tell me your real name?
Jay: You’re infuriating, you know that?
Kendrick: So I’ve been told. But don’t forget charming, charismatic, and sexy as hell.
Jay: Cocky much?
Kendrick: You want to talk about cock? Miss Jay Marie, I do believe you’ve got me blushing.
Jay: This conversation just went from bad to worse. Good night, Kendrick “Cocky-As-They-Come” Jordan.
Kendrick: Now you want to talk about come? Dang, kinky little Pixie.
Jay: Ugh, you make me want to throw my phone. GOOD NIGHT!!
Kendrick couldn’t help but laugh. He knew she was all worked up; she was easy to tease. He really hoped the week didn’t come crashing down around him, because he really wanted to spend time with her on Friday or Saturday. Hell, he’d take the whole weekend if it were offered. And that was how he knew she was different. Kendrick Jordan had never longed to spend a whole weekend with a girl.
Chapter 7
“Hello, Kendrick. I’m Dr. Parks. It’s nice to meet you. Please, have a seat.” The man was very professional, but Kendrick immediately felt at ease in his warm, cozy office.
“Yeah, nice to meet you too, Doc. My cousins Sawyer and Zoey speak very highly of you.” Kendrick took a seat on an overstuffed chair which threatened to suck him into its inner depths. “Damn, Doc, is this chair a secret weapon to make sure no one leaves your office until you pry them out of it limb-by-limb?”
Dr. Parks smiled at Kendrick.
“I’m glad your cousins felt they could recommend my services to you. I’m actually going to be volunteering my services at The Center+ over the next month or so to help get the therapy program set up for Zoey. I’ve been in town a couple years, and I’ve got to tell you I’m very impressed with your family business. It was great before, but I’m really liking what you and your cousins are doing with the place.” The doctor settled himself in a worn desk chair across from Kendrick.
Kendrick appreciated the unassuming nature of the office. It didn’t scream, “Tell me your secrets, give me your money, help me buy another Porsche.” Kendrick knew it was crazy, maybe wishful thinking, but his surroundings, the doctor’s soft demeanor, they whispered to him, “Share your secrets, let someone else help with the burden.”
“So, how does this work? Do you ask questions? Or do I just start spilling my guts?” Kendrick found he was anxious to get started.
“Well, first I need you to know that I’m a licensed therapist, but I specialize in lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered youth. This doesn’t mean I can’t help you, but if at any time you feel that our professional relationship isn’t working for you, you have every right to ask for another recommendation.”
“Yeah, I got no problem with that, Doc.”
“Okay, sounds good. Now, I’d like you to just start telling me the reasons you’re here. Start wherever you’re comfortable. I’ll write my questions down as I think of them, but I will try not to interrupt. At the end of our session, we’ll set up our next appointment and maybe some goals.” Dr. Parks pulled out his notebook.
Thirty minutes later, Kendrick shook his head from what felt like an emotional and verbal upchuck. Blinking his eyes, realizing he’d just poured out his whole past to the man sitting in front of him, he took a deep breath.
“Yeah, so there it is. Teen girlfriend committed suicide, but only after our teen sex led to an unplanned pregnancy which I knew nothing about until both of them were dead.” Exhaustion tinged his voice.
“That’s a lot for a young man to take on.” Dr. Parks scanned his notes. “I’d like to break this into two separate issues. Sarah’s suicide, and the death of your unborn baby. Is that alright with you?”
“You’re the expert, Doc.”
“How do you feel when you think about Sarah’s suicide?”
“Confused. Sad. Guilty.” Kendrick struggled with the next word, “Angry.”
“Tell me about each of those feelings.”
“Confused. I don’t get it. We were young, happy, in love, we had our whole lives. She was super smart, pretty, I just don’t get what could have been so bad that she had to take her own life. Why wasn’t my love enough for her?”
“Was Sarah bullied? Abused at home?” Dr. Parks asked.
“No, I spent a lot of time with her at school, and she wasn’t super popular, but she had a couple quiet friends and no one ever bothered her. Even if they waited until I wasn’t around, I would have heard about it through cousins or friends.”
“Okay, so we’re going to assume there was likely an underlying mental condition going on. Do you know if she was being treated for anything?” Dr. Parks scribbled on his notepad.
“Her mom always ragged her about making sure she took her vitamins and supplements, but she didn’t take anything prescription.” Kendrick stopped momentarily. “You know, looking back on it, I don’t know if her parents would have accepted a diagnosis of a mental illness. They seemed pretty insistent on putting on a good front and making sure everyone viewed them as completely normal, so I doubt they took her to the doctor if she even told them about the way she was feeling.”
Dr. Parks wrote more notes before speaking again. “Okay, continue telling me about those feelings.”
“Sad. It just seems like such a damn sad loss. Sarah could have been something. She had plans for college.
It just makes me sad to think she was struggling with something like suicidal thoughts. I guess sad too because I can’t even imagine feeling that way.”
“Tell me about that.”
“Well, even when things are at their most shit-tastic, I’ve never thought of ending it all.”
“You left your family for quite a while.”
“Yeah, left to get some time away, not end my whole life. I love them too much to put them through that. I mean, it’s not like I think I’m all that special, but I know without a doubt my family would be devastated by my death.”
“Okay, go on.” Dr. Parks kept writing. What the hell was he scribbling?
“Guilty and angry sort of go hand-in-hand. I feel guilty because I didn’t realize she was so sad, so sick, so on edge. Then I feel angry because she took her life, took our baby’s life, turned my life upside down. Then I go back to feeling guilty. I shouldn’t be angry. It was her life, her pain, who am I to blame her? The anger and guilt are on a continuous loop in my head.”
Dr. Parks abruptly stood. Walking to his phone, he picked it up. “Do I have time after this appointment? Okay, block it out.”
Walking back to his seat, the doctor spoke, “I rarely do sessions longer than an hour, but I feel like we need to get this all out, then we can work through more of it at subsequent appointments.”
Waiting for Kendrick to take a drink from his bottle of water, Dr. Parks watched him thoughtfully.
“Do you think you could have stopped her from killing herself?
“What? I don’t know. I mean, I guess I think I probably could have stopped it at the moment she was actually doing it, but if she was sick and her parents wouldn’t get her the help she needed, I probably couldn’t have stopped it in the long run.”
“You’re right. You and Sarah were victims in this situation. In a way, so were her parents. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care if you’ve got a reputation to uphold. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a supportive family or you’re alone. If her parents knew she was sick and refused to get her help, some blame can be placed on them. But, they may not have realized she was sick. They may have thought it was usual hormonal, teenage angst type stuff. Did they have other children?”
“No, Sarah was an only child.”
“So they had nothing to compare her behavior to.”
The men were quiet for several moments.
Dr. Parks wrote something else on his notepad. “I want you to write down all of your reasons and thoughts of guilt and anger. Next time we will talk about them at length, and I have an exercise to help with letting them go.”
He turned to a new page in his notebook. “Now, let’s talk about the baby. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?”
Kendrick held his face in his hands.
“What if. And relief. Then the guilt and anger comes back.”
“Tell me about those things.”
“What if. What if the baby had lived? Would I have dropped out of school? Would my mom or grandmas have taken care of the baby so I could go on dates and play sports? Was it a little boy? In my thoughts it’s always a boy. What would I have done about college? And that’s when the relief hits. Relief that my complete and total screw up didn’t affect my life. Relief I was able to keep dating, playing, being with my cousins, going to college.”
A deep breath ended with a whispered sob.
“And then I feel so damn guilty. I got a girl pregnant, but it never stopped me from screwing around. I mean, yeah, I was more careful with condoms, but even my baby dying didn’t make me stop recreational sex. Not even now. And a poor innocent baby who didn’t ask to be brought into the world, didn’t ask to have his life cut short in an instant, doesn’t get to live because of me.”
The doctor looked like he wanted to resist, but he interrupted anyway. “How is the baby’s death your fault?”
“If I hadn’t been thinking with my dick, we wouldn’t have had a baby in the first place.”
“So, take some of the blame for the pregnancy, but did you kill Sarah or the baby?”
“No, Doc, you know I didn’t.”
“And you should know you didn’t either.” Dr. Parks waved him on after making his point.
“That doesn’t change the fact that I got to keep living my life because my girlfriend killed herself and our baby. Parties, sex, drinking, school, friends, I got it all. How can I want so badly to know my child, but be so relieved that I never had to change? I feel like the lowest lifeform on the planet. And then the anger comes back. Anger at myself, anger at Sarah, anger at the whole situation, even anger at her parents for asking me to hide it, and anger at my parents for letting it stay hidden instead of taking me to get help for it.”
Kendrick looked up, surprised at his words.
“I don’t think I’ve ever admitted to being angry with my own parents in all of this. I struggled so much, for so long. Not being able to tell my cousins, or anyone. The pretending, the hiding, it was all too much. I think I wanted my parents to demand I talk about it, but they believed my charade of being fine. I laughed, I joked, I moved on. So, I hid my anger and confusion and sadness, but then I would get angrier that my parents didn’t see it. Then I feel guilty again for blaming them for not catching on. Damn, Doc, I feel so fucked up.”
“It’s okay. Everything you’re feeling is okay, and normal, and expected.” Dr. Parks looked at the clock. “Well, even with the added time, we’ll have to call it quits for today. I want to see you back in the next day or two. Don’t forget your assignment.”
Kendrick left the appointment and headed to work. He really hoped a cousin or two was available for some basketball, he needed to sweat before he settled in to do some work.
**********
By the end of the week, he felt like he’d been run over by a steamroller. He’d had a lot to catch up on at work. The two sessions he’d had with Dr. Parks had been mentally and emotionally exhausting. Wanting to let go of the anger and guilt was one thing, actually letting go of them was a completely different thing.
But he knew without a doubt that he wanted to see Jay. He’d made it to the café once that week, but she’d seemed distracted.
Calling her, he thought about movies he knew were playing, she was probably more a comedy or action girl, she didn’t seem the romance type. But maybe that’s what she needed. Hell, he could be romantic. And dinner? Somewhere off the beaten path, not same old same old. She was the type of girl who appreciated the irregular.
“Hey there, Pixie. How’s Italian and a romantic suspense movie sound?” He couldn’t help but smile as he spoke.
Silence greeted him on the other end of the phone.
“Jay? You there? Whatdya think? Date night?” Attempting not to sound desperate, he was pretty sure he failed miserably.
“Tonight’s just not going to work, Kendrick. Some things have come up. Maybe tomorrow, okay?” He swore he heard tears in her voice.
“You okay, Pixie?”
“Damn it, don’t call me that,” she said with very little force.
“Sorry, it just fits. But I could always call you Jackie.”
“No.”
“Jayde?”
“No.”
“This one is it, I can feel it. Jaycie.”
“No. Listen, Kendrick, I really need to go.”
He frowned at the quick retreat, knowing for sure he heard a sob before the call disconnected.
What the hell?
**********
He hadn’t planned on spending his Friday evening having a heart-to-heart with his parents, but he figured if he couldn’t be with Jay, he might as well complete his weekend homework assignment from Dr. Parks.
“Beckett! Man, I didn’t know you’d be here. Hey, Kenja. How the hell are you guys?” Kendrick’s enthusiasm was genuine when he found his older brother and sister-in-law at the table in his parents’ kitchen.
“Kendrick. It
’s so nice to see you.” Kenja smiled warmly. The beautiful, petite, Asian woman had been a very quiet, but solid, support at Beckett’s side ever since they first met in college.
“I still think it’s unfair my ‘little’ brother is taller than me.” Beckett pushed his glasses up his nose.
Kendrick had never thought of his brother as different, but he knew Beckett had overcome a lot including a premature birth and a few other physical challenges. To see Beckett and Kenja, successfully graduated from college and medical school, no one would ever guess the struggles they’d both dealt with in their early years.
When his older sister, Megan, showed up, Kendrick knew it was fate giving him a chance to talk to his whole family at once. He wished she had brought her baby, but her husband had the baby at his own parents’ house for the evening.
“Can I talk to you all while we wait on the pizza to get here?” Kendrick rubbed his sweaty hands on his jeans.
Audrey cocked her head to the side, immediately recognizing her son had something important to say.
They all sat in the living room. Kendrick quickly replayed the story of Sarah and the baby for Megan, Beckett, and Kenja. When they’d offered their sincere apologies and support, Kendrick took a deep breath.
“Please know that this isn’t meant to hurt anyone. Dr. Parks says I just need to say it if I’m going to let it go.”
“I’m pretty sure what you’ve got to say to us is the same thing we’ve been dealing with for the past ten years, but go ahead.” Audrey’s eyes glittered with tears.
“Okay, I’m dealing with a lot of things regarding Sarah and the baby. Guilt and anger are the top contenders. And the anger is pointed in several directions, including at myself, but if I’m being honest, I’m also angry at you guys for letting Sarah’s suicide be hidden. Well, not so much that you went along with hiding it, but I’m angry you didn’t get me help to deal with it.” He took a deep breath, feeling more guilt for making his mom cry. “I guess I just wonder if I could have avoided this fucked up stuff now if I’d gotten through some of it back when it first happened.”
