by A. D. Ellis
Audrey and Jeremiah held hands and stood from the couch to pull Kendrick up into a group hug.
“Baby boy, it’s one of our biggest regrets as parents. We are so proud of the three of you, but we know we’ve messed up on occasion. This is one of those huge parenting screw-ups. We are so very sorry. There’s no excuse, we should have automatically gotten you into therapy, but you seemed to handle it so well we assumed you were doing okay. It’s not been until the last two or three years when we started putting two and two together and realizing you maybe hadn’t dealt with it so well. I wish we’d made a better judgement call. If we’d known about the baby, would we have handled it differently? I don’t know.” They hugged him again. “Please just know how very sorry we are.”
There was nothing they could go back and fix, but just admitting he was angry helped to lift a lot of that anger. He hated seeing his mom and dad blaming themselves, but it felt like the whole discussion allowed everyone to clear some of their guilt and anger.
Later, sitting around the kitchen eating pizza with his family, Kendrick felt a slight bit of peace settle over him for the first time in several months.
**********
“Sorry, Kendrick. I’m not going to be able to get away tonight either.” Jay sighed into the phone sounding as if she’d rather be talking to anyone but him.
What the hell? He wanted to question her, find out if their little relationship deal had already died a quick death, ask if she had found someone else. But he didn’t want to run the risk of coming across clingy or needy. He needed her to feel like this could work with no strings.
“Damn, Jay, I was really wanting Italian, a movie, and some Pixie lovin’,” he attempted a light-hearted smile, even though he felt anything but.
“Call up someone else, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of girls on speed-dial.” Jay sounded tired, irritated, and defeated.
“Well, the speed-dial of Kendrick Jordan is pretty legendary, but I only use it when I’m not in a relationship. And even a no-strings attached relationship counts in my mind, so it looks like the only people I may be eating and watching movies with this evening are my cousins if they are available.” He pretended to sniff, “But no Pixie lovin’.”
“Kendrick, about that…maybe we jumped into this thing too quickly. I don’t do relationships, I don’t even know how, and now things could be all kinds of screwed up. Don’t feel like you’ve got any commitment to me.”
“No deal, Pixie. I’ll give you tonight, but tomorrow I want to see you. Come over any time. Let’s talk about what’s going on. Doesn’t have to be because we’re attempting this relationship thing, it can just be because we’re friends and you need to talk. Hell, I’ve done enough talking in therapy this week, the least I can do is listen to what’s going on with you. Promise me you’ll come over.” Kendrick wheedled, amazed at how badly he wanted to see her, be close to her.
“I don’t know. It’s not really something you can help with, it’s my responsibility. And I’m all kinds of fucked up right now.”
Kendrick’s ears perked up. “Jay, are you okay? You’re not having crazy thoughts are you?” Please don’t let her be in a place as dark as Sarah was, I’m not sure I could handle it.
“No, Kendrick, I’m not suicidal. Maybe it would be better if I was, but I’ve always felt like suicide was selfish, an easy way out. No, I’ll deal with my own screw-up.”
When the call ended, Kendrick immediately texted her.
Kendrick: Here’s the address, please come over. I’ll be here all day.
Jay: We’ll see. Thanks, Kendrick. It’s nice to know you’re there if I need you.
Kendrick: You could thank me by telling me your name. June? Jill? Jolie?
Jay: No. No. No. Although, I do like the name Jolie.
Kendrick: I’ll keep guessing.
Jay: I’m sure you will.
Chapter 8
“Man, toss me a beer from the fridge.”
Kendrick looked up from his bent position under the Mustang’s hood to see his uncle, Kyle, walking into the garage. Cocking his head at the man, Kendrick wiped his oily hands on a rag and headed toward one of the four mini fridges in the garage. When the four cousins returned to Torey Hope from college, they decided there was no reason at the time to purchase a large fridge, they just stacked the four mini ones in a square shape and kept them stocked with beer, water, pop, and anything else that wouldn’t fit in the kitchen refrigerator.
Handing Kyle the beer, and taking one for himself, he waited momentarily. Once they’d both taken a long drink from their bottles, Kendrick cleared his throat.
“So, to what do I owe the honor? I thought no one was coming over until later this evening for weekly dinner.”
Running his hands through his stylishly messy dyed hair, Kyle caught his hands together at the top of his head. Hands clasped, elbows raised, head down, he breathed deeply.
“Thought we could talk. About the baby.”
“Yeah, I figured as much.” Kendrick’s whispered words drifted through the garage.
“What’s wrong with the car?” Kyle nodded toward the raised hood.
“Nothing. Just changing the oil. I know I can take it to Mikael down at the garage, but I thought I’d do it myself today.” Kendrick picked up a wrench and continued what he was doing.
“Here, you get under her, I’ll work from the top. We’ll get it done quicker that way.” Kyle motioned under the car.
Fifteen minutes later, the oil was changed. Draining the rest of their beers, the men wiped the majority of the grime from their hands and arms.
“The oil blends in with all of your ink.” Kendrick nodded at the multitude of tattoos on Kyle’s arms. The man was a walking canvas.
“Yeah, I could probably get by without washing before coming over for dinner, but I doubt the oil would do much to mask the sweat.” Kyle laughed.
“I need to come see you sometime, have you work something up for me. I’ve always wanted a couple tattoos, but I just can’t decide on something meaningful enough to permanently ink my body.”
“You’ll know when you think of something that’s just perfect. Or you may never feel like you’ve got the right image. Some people get tons of tattoos and they all have a special meaning, or the recipient just liked the image. Others spend their whole life wanting one but just never figure out exactly what they want. Come see me sometime, I can work something up for you. Or you could always join me with the piercings.” Kyle wagged his pierced eyebrow at his nephew.
“Nah, ink intrigues me, piercings just seem like too much to care for and too much of a chance at catching on things. Makes me a little nauseated to think of it getting ripped out.” Kendrick shuddered.
The men each opened another beer.
Several silent moments later, Kyle spoke.
“My first wife, Izzy, was pregnant when she died.”
“In a car accident, right?” Kendrick had heard the story a few times over the years.
“Yeah. We didn’t know she was pregnant at the time. I didn’t find out until after she was already gone.”
“And you guys had been trying to have a baby, right?” Kendrick wondered how much more intense the feelings of losing a baby would be if they’d been trying to conceive.
“For quite a while, yes.”
“Do you ever stop wondering about that baby?” The what-ifs were part of what was driving Kendrick insane.
“No, not really. You know the story of how Izzy spoke to Josie and me in the beginning, right? She told me our baby girl’s name was Addyson Rose. For some reason, having a name to remember and mourn was helpful for me. Every year, I think about what she’d be doing, the milestones, you know?” Kyle voice was thick with emotion. “When Zoey and Asher were at certain stages, I’d find myself wondering what Addyson would have been like at that stage.”
He stopped speaking, either because he was gathering himself, or because he wanted to give Kendrick the chance to speak.
&nbs
p; “So, I need to accept I likely will never be over it, right?”
“Honestly, I found it was easier to accept Addyson’s death after I knew her name and mourned her properly. I’ll never forget Izzy or Addyson, they are in my heart forever, but I also have so much to be grateful for because losing them brought me to Josie and, eventually, Zoey and Asher. Instead of clinging to the sadness, I choose to celebrate the time I got to spend with Izzy and cherish the fact that Addyson is with her mother for eternity. And I know I’ll see them again one day. But, for now, I want to focus on the present, not lament the past I can’t change.” Kyle looked at him. “I know it sounds a lot easier than it really is. I’m not saying this can all be done overnight. It’s taken me several years to come to grips with the loss of my wife and unborn baby. And there are days when a song or certain eye color or a scent will bring a memory screaming into my head so fast it almost drops me to my knees. But, I have a beautiful family, a job I love, and a bright future. I’ll never stop missing them, but I choose to look ahead and not behind.”
“I want that, man, I really do. I’m really looking forward to being at a point where I can look forward instead of wallowing in the past.” Kendrick finished his beer, setting it to the side. “I feel a little guilty. You lost a woman you loved enough to marry, your soul mate. I lost a high school girlfriend. I mean, I loved her, but a fifteen year old doesn’t really know a whole lot about love. Now that I’m older, I find myself wondering what would have come of us, but I don’t feel like I lost a soul mate. Losing Sarah the way it happened is what eats at me. And losing the baby, man. I told Dr. Parks, I feel so guilty. It’s not like we wanted a baby, not like you and Izzy. But, each year as I’ve gotten older and more mature, I can’t help but think about that baby. I’m in a place now where I could be a good dad, and it makes me miss that little person I never got the chance to know.” Kendrick spoke almost as if he’d forgotten Kyle was there.
“Man, the guilt will eat you alive if you let it. You’ve got to let it go. Maybe look up some quotes or scriptures or lyrics, I find that’s helpful when I’m struggling. And, here’s something that I had a hard time coming to terms with. It’s not that I’m happier with Josie than I would have been with Izzy, but I look around me and I see my wife, my children, my friends and family. If I’d never met Josie, Zach wouldn’t have Zoey, and it hurts my heart to think of those two not together. I can’t change the past, even if I wanted to, so I had to finally stop fighting it.” Kyle glanced at his watch. “I better get going if I’m going to be cleaned up in time to get back over here for dinner. Seriously, let it go, man, no one blames you, and you shouldn’t either. Let me know if you want to work on a tattoo.”
Kendrick slammed the hood of his car after his uncle left. Cranking up the music playing through the garage speakers, he tossed a towel on the hood and propped himself up on it.
Jolting from a nap he didn’t know he needed, he turned when he heard a voice at the door.
“Damn, if I wasn’t already taken, I’d need help wiping the drool from my face. Seriously Kendrick, you could have a whole calendar all to yourself.” Katie smiled at him. He felt a special connection to the girl after all the time they’d spent together when his cousin, Decker, was being an ass back when Katie had her own personal stalker.
“Thanks Katie-girl. Maybe I’ll get some printed up, sell them at the local bookstore.” He joked.
“They’d sell for sure. Sawyer’s friend, Adam, would buy in bulk I bet.” Katie winked.
Kendrick laughed.
“I came to tell you it’s time to get ready for dinner.”
“Shit, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I’ll take a quick shower and then help with whatever is needed.”
“No worries. We are just ordering subs for dinner. Sawyer and Luke are bringing different chips. Zach and Zoey are making crispy rice treats. Each family coming is bringing their drink of choice. Decker and I are going to go pick up the subs. Just didn’t want you to sleep too long.” She walked across the garage, pulling him into a hug. “I know it’s hard, Kendrick. But you’re going to get through this and move on. I have faith in you. Love you.” Kissing him on the cheek, she left him to gather himself.
**********
“Hey Kendrick, someone’s at the door for you!” Asher yelled from the front room where he’d been playing video games with Luke. The family had been enjoying good food and easy conversation for a few hours, just enjoying their time together.
A look of dawning passed over Kendrick’s face, and he glanced around at the twenty-something people filling his house. His eyes grew wide.
“Shit, I didn’t really think she’d come. I mean, I wanted her to, but I sort of wasn’t thinking about this when I invited her. Damn, she’s going to think I set her up. Okay, guys, can you all just be cool?” He scurried out of the room, leaving amused smiles plastered on the faces of most of his family. Audrey quirked an eyebrow at Jeremiah, and he winked back. Seeing Kendrick worked up over a girl wasn’t a regular occurrence.
Katie’s grandmother had come to the get together with Jack and Judy. Never one to hold her tongue, she spoke, “That boy isn’t just thinking with the head between his legs. Nope, whether he’d admit it or not, his heart’s involved in whoever is standing at that door. I sure hope whoever it is is ready for all that comes with loving someone larger-than-life like Kendrick.”
Katie blushed at her grandmother’s words, and everyone else laughed.
“I don’t think we’ve ever seen Kendrick worried about a girl. In fact, have we ever been introduced to any of his girls?” Jack smiled as everyone else wondered just who the girl was to have Kendrick so flustered.
When he got to the door, Kendrick immediately noticed Jay looked like shit. Still beautiful, her nose was red and those huge brown eyes were rimmed with red.
“Jay, what’s wrong?” He started to reach out a hand, but drew it back when she stiffened.
“I shouldn’t have come. I didn’t know you had people over.” She started to back down the stairs.
“No, Pixie, wait. It’s just a casual family dinner. Seriously, it’s subs and chips, nothing fancy. Come in and grab a bite, then we can talk.” Kendrick motioned her in, fighting the urge to wrap her in his arms.
Noting that Asher and Luke were completely absorbed in their game, he directed her toward the kitchen. “I’d like for you to meet my family, just to say hi, but if you don’t want to, you can stay out here, and I’ll grab you some food.”
“Kendrick, I’m not a complete bitch. I don’t want to meet the family in a relationship type way, but you’re my friend. I’m not going to come over to talk to you, eat your food, and ignore your family. Please, introduce me.” Jay rolled her eyes at him, and he felt his heart flip-flop. Knowing how hard this was for her hit him two separate ways. One, he loved that she was willing to meet his family, even just as a friend. Two, he worried just what was going on that was bad enough to have her willing to meet his family just to talk to him.
With a hand hovering at her back, he led her into the kitchen.
“Hey, guys, this is my friend, Jay Keller.” Kendrick tried to sound casual, but even to his own ears he heard his voice shaky and breathless.
Kyle murmured, “Excuse me,” and turned to leave the room abruptly.
His wife, Josie, and Kendrick’s dad, Jeremiah, smiled apologetically at Kendrick, shook Jay’s hand, and followed Kyle out the door.
What the hell?
Shaking it off, Kendrick turned Jay toward his mom first. “This is my mom, Audrey. You just met my dad, Jeremiah. The dude with the wild hair and tattoos was my dad’s best friend, also known as my uncle Kyle. His wife is my mom’s cousin, Josie.”
“Hi, Jay, it’s nice to meet you. Your hair is fabulous, where do you get it done?” Audrey shook the girl’s hand, and sincerely inquired about her hair.
Patting her hair self-consciously, Jay blushed, “Oh thanks, I actually do it myself.”
“Really? That�
�s impressive. The cut and color both?”
“Yeah. I may go to school to become a hair stylist someday. I like messing with cut and color.” Jay appeared at ease around his family. He wondered what it would be like introducing her as a girlfriend. Probably freak her the fuck out, he chuckled in his head.
Kendrick pointed the rest of the family out, naming names and relations, knowing it was a lot to take in. He loved that his family was so warm and welcoming. Part of him wanted to think it was because they recognized the brokenness in Jay like he did, but he knew his family was warm and welcoming to most everybody.
Handing her a plate, Kendrick grabbed one of his own and they filled up with subs, chips, and drinks.
Taking a swig of her water, Jay smiled somewhat sadly, “Of course you’d choose milk.”
“Nothing wrong with milk, Pixie.”
She rolled her eyes as they headed out to the garage.
On the way out, they passed Kyle, Josie, and Jeremiah coming back.
“Sorry for rushing out like that, Jay.”
She smiled genuinely at Kyle. “No worries. Now, if the whole room had cleared out, I would have felt bad.”
Kendrick looked askance at his dad, but Jeremiah just shook his head.
“I’ll talk to you later tonight, right Kyle?” Kendrick pointedly asked his uncle.
“Sure thing. I’ll be here for a while, after that I’ll probably be at the studio or home. Come find me.” Kyle nodded, silently letting Kendrick know he’d share whatever was going on later.
They made their way to the garage.
“Wow, this is a pretty impressive garage. Do all of these homes have a nice big garage like this one?” She took a seat at the table against the open wall. Biting into her sandwich, she waited for him to answer.
“No, we definitely lucked out with this one. We park in the parking at the front, but when we need to work on the cars or have a place to escape to, we come out here. It works out well.” Kendrick had already eaten a sub before she arrived, but he was worried she wouldn’t eat if he didn’t, so he chomped into another.
