by A. D. Ellis
They ate in comfortable but anxious silence. He really hadn’t expected her to show up when he asked her to come over. Between the two nights of canceling on him, and showing up today, he had a feeling something bad was going on.
“Jamilyn?”
She smirked, shaking her head. “No.”
“Jodie?”
“Nope.”
“Judith? Jillian? Jason?”
“No, no, and really? Jason?” She giggled.
“Well, there are some girls with boy names. Maybe that’s the angle I need to take.”
“Josh? Jimmy? Julian?”
She just rolled her eyes. “No, now give it up. You won’t guess it. No one has ever guessed it. Aside from my parents, some other people who also don’t matter, and my grandma, no one has ever known my real name. It’s not a big deal. I like Jay better, so there’s no need to tell. But your guesses have been entertaining to say the least.”
“So, your parents and some others didn’t matter? Sounds like a story, Pixie.” Kendrick pressed his luck.
“It’s a long, ugly story. One I have no reason or wish to relive, so I don’t tell it. Ever.” Jay answered firmly.
Well, okay then.
They sat silently for a few moments as she chomped on the last of her chips.
“So, Pixie, I’d love to think you just couldn’t be away from me any longer, but since I sincerely doubt that’s true, as much as that bruises my ego, what brings you by?”
“I didn’t come here to ruin your night, drag you into something that likely isn’t your problem, or hurt you.” She spoke mechanically.
“Seeing you at my door tonight guaranteed my night wouldn’t be ruined. If you have a problem, I’m happy to make it mine if it helps you out. And unless you tell me this is completely over, I don’t think you’ll hurt me.” He reached for her hand, gripping firmly when she tried to pull away. “Just let me. Talk to me, Jay.”
Taking a deep breath, she whispered, “I’m pregnant.”
Chapter 9
Two words rocked his world.
He stared at her for what seemed like eternity, but his brain snapped into gear quickly when he realized his reaction was important.
“Okay. So let’s work this out.” He wasn’t really sure what the hell he was saying.
“I feel like a complete slut saying this, but I doubt it’s yours, so you don’t have to worry.” Tears glistened in her eyes.
“Tony?” Hot jealousy clinched his gut.
“Maybe. There was another guy right before you.”
“So, do you want to figure out who the father is?” Even as he spoke, he knew deep in his heart he wanted the baby to be his. And if it wasn’t, he would claim it as his in a heartbeat.
“There’s no need to figure it out. I can’t keep it.”
His head spun, the remnants of dinner threatened to reappear.
“What do you mean can’t keep it? Adoption?” He tried not to let his voice shake.
“No, I mean termination. I’m not mother material. I can’t carry this baby to term. Hell, I don’t even know who the father is. I can’t bring a child into this.”
He walked to the fridge to get a beer. Swigging it down, he worked hard to gather his thoughts.
“Can you give me some of your time?” He asked pleadingly.
“Time for what? You don’t have to do anything here, Kendrick. I just wasn’t sure who to talk to. I almost went to the clinic yesterday, but you called and I changed my mind. I’m not even sure why I came here tonight.”
“You came here tonight because you needed someone to talk to, you needed a friend, and you need to hear what I have to say.” Kendrick sat facing her, knees touching hers, and grasped her hands.
“I know this is your body, your decision, but will you listen to my story before making a final decision?” He wanted so badly to lean in and kiss her at that moment, but he held himself back.
“Sure, Kendrick. Tell me your story.”
“When I was fifteen, my girlfriend committed suicide.”
Before he could continue, Jay reached a hand out to stroke his cheek. “I’m sorry, Kendrick. That had to be so hard.”
“It was, but the hardest part is she was pregnant. I didn’t know. I’m not sure if she knew or not. For the past ten years, I’ve fallen deeper and deeper into depression wondering about the baby that was taken away from me. I didn’t want to be a teen father, but the older I get I can’t help but imagine what being a dad would be like.” He lifted desperate eyes to her.
“What are you saying, Kendrick?” She pushed back from him. “You expect me to believe you want to be a father to this baby? A baby that is likely not even yours? Be a father to a baby born to a mother as fucked up as I am? A girl you’ve known for a very short time, and mostly just for sex?” She shook her head bitterly, “I don’t buy it, Kendrick.”
“Stop. Not another word. Whether this baby is biologically mine or not, I would raise it as mine, with you, because it feels like I’m being given a chance at something that was stolen from me ten years ago. And, Pixie, you’re not fucked up. We all have a past, heaven knows I do. And what we have isn’t just sex. Yes, we’ve had a lot of fun in that department, but I think I started falling for you the first moment I laid eyes on you in that bar.”
He pulled her chair back towards his so their knees met again. Leaning into her, he rested his forehead on hers.
“Jay, I’m serious as hell about this. Please, at least carry the baby to term. You can decide then if you don’t want to keep it. But don’t end something before it’s even had time to begin.”
Tears poured from her eyes.
“I’m not fit to be a mother, Kendrick. I don’t have a warm, loving family like you. I came from nothing, and I basically have nothing. A baby doesn’t deserve that.”
“You are a beautiful person inside and out. You hide yourself behind the sex and detachment, but I’ve seen you take care of people at the café. You are kind, warm, and have a caring touch. You fuss over the elderly folks, you make the kids laugh, and your eyes are drawn to the tiny babies. Don’t tell me you’re not fit to be a mother. Fuck that shit.”
No words were spoken for several moments, the silence building between them.
“What if it’s Tony’s?”
“I’ll respect that, but I’ll still want to be a part of your life and the baby’s. I don’t see Tony wanting to get married, unless you suddenly morph into a man, and I don’t think you’d ask him to settle down with you for the baby.” Kendrick caught her tiny grin when he mentioned Tony’s sexual preference being much more toward the male persuasion.
“I’d never ask him to do that, just like I’d never expect it of you.”
“What if it’s not mine or Tony’s? Is the other guy in the picture?” Kendrick fought against gritting his teeth against the jealousy.
“No, he’s not in the picture, and I wouldn’t want him to be.”
“So, give this a chance. You can move in here, or I’ll move in with you. We can get to know each other, even if it’s not romantically, we should work on our friendship before the baby arrives.” Kendrick spoke, realizing he’d never been so serious about something in his life.
“You’re serious aren’t you?” She shook her head in awe. “What if the baby is born and I want to give it up for adoption? Would you fight me?”
“If it’s mine, I’d keep it. If it’s not mine, I’d petition to adopt. But, I want to believe you won’t want to give it up once you come to terms with this and see your baby for the first time.” He rubbed her thumb with his. “Whatdya say, Pixie? Please? Let me do this; let’s do this together. I feel like today has lifted a weight from me and offered me a second chance. I want this. I want you, the baby, us, I want it all. Please?”
He knew he was begging, but he didn’t care.
“You want to take all of this on even when you know the likelihood of anything romantic or serious happening between us practically zero?”
&
nbsp; “I’ll take my chances, Pixie.” He kissed her cheek.
“Fine, I won’t terminate the pregnancy. But I can’t promise you anything about adoption. I need you to know, keep it in mind the whole time that I will likely give the baby away. I don’t want a child to have to grow up like I did.”
“And how is that?” He pushed.
“Nice try. It’s not open for discussion.”
“I want to take this to the next step. My place or yours?” Kendrick’s face felt hot with excitement.
“Can you give me the week? This is a lot to take in.” She walked to him, tipping her head up. “And, Kendrick, I need you to guard your heart. I’m not made for love. I never really experienced it, and I don’t have it to give. Please don’t get your heart set on there being an us. We can be friends, even friends with great benefits; we can attempt to be parental partners, but a romantic relationship isn’t in the cards for me.”
Her eyes looked so solemn and sad, he knew she believed every word she spoke.
“I’m a big boy. I’ll keep my heart safe.” He tweaked her nose, “Hey, I need to update those parameters we set earlier.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah. That part about bringing in a third? Hell to the no. No thirds, male or female. It’s you and me. Only.” He immediately reached down and gently touched her stomach. “And this little one, but I doubt she’ll care to share too much right now.”
“She?”
“Yep, our own little pixie.”
Swallowing tears, she smiled at him. “I need to go, Kendrick. I’ll talk to you through the week. We can visit the living situation next weekend.”
Watching her car pull away, he looked to the sky. Stars winked down at him. His chest filled with a feeling he’d not experienced for a while. Hope.
Turning and walking into the house, he knew his entire family would still be there, waiting on him to return.
**********
“Man, I’m so sorry I bailed like that.” Kyle ran a hand over his face.
“What happened?” Kendrick really wasn’t upset, just curious.
“Have you ever seen a picture of Izzy?” Kyle asked.
“No.”
“Here, I’ve got a picture of the three of us from high school.” Jeremiah pulled out his wallet and produced a faded snapshot of the three friends.
“Oh wow, the similarity is eerie, huh?” Kendrick could see how seeing Jay for the first time would knock his uncle off kilter. Jay was almost a perfect replica of Izzy.
“Yeah, I was just shook up, thrown for a loop a bit when I saw her. It’s almost like Izzy has her hand in things again.” Kyle smirked slightly.
As Jeremiah put the picture back in his wallet, Kendrick continued, “Well, here’s one to really throw you for a loop.”
When all eyes turned toward him, he swallowed before speaking.
“She’s pregnant.”
It was almost comical to watch the dropped jaws and bugged eyes.
“And it’s yours?” Decker spoke.
“Not sure. Probably not.”
“So what’s the plan? Are you two serious? How are you feeling?” Audrey reached out to pull him into a hug.
“Honestly, I feel like I’m getting a second chance. Whether it’s mine or not, I want that baby, and I want Jay.”
At the raised eyebrows, he proceeded to tell them much of the conversation he and Jay had had in the garage.
At the end, he knew many had reservations and doubts.
“Guys, I know it may not be the perfect situation, but today is the first day I’ve felt the weight lift from my chest in a very long time. I need this. I need her. Can you stand by me? By us?”
“As long as you keep up with your therapy, and as long as she doesn’t hurt you, I’m willing to stand by you.” Audrey spoke to him, giving the eyeball to the rest of the family encouraging them to do the same.
“I worry about what happens when the baby is born. What if she gives it up? You’ll be heartbroken.” His aunt, Libby, voiced her concern. “But, I’ll support you in every way I can. We all will.”
By the time the group had broken up, Kendrick felt like he was walking on cloud nine, but he also had a nervous feeling building in his stomach. Was he doing the right thing? Had he thought this through? Would he end up hurt worse than he already had been?
Drifting to sleep that night, he felt a peace and knew he’d made the right choice. Day-by-day, they’d take it slowly. He slept with no nightmares for the first time in several months.
Chapter 10
The week went smoothly, although Kendrick was on edge. He saw Jay at lunch a couple days during the week, but she didn’t have time to talk. He wondered how long she’d be able to work the busy lunch rushes as the pregnancy went on. Her inability, or was it an unwillingness, to talk worried him day-to-day. Was she changing her mind? He knew she needed room and time to take it all in, but he wanted her to know he was completely sure about it all.
Therapy with Dr. Parks had been different. Kendrick had told the doctor about his and Jay’s relationship, the pregnancy, his desire to keep the baby.
The doctor was quiet for a long time as he scribbled his notes.
Looking up at Kendrick, he cocked his head to the side and studied his patient.
“How far have you thought this through, Kendrick?”
Kendrick started to speak, but stopped. How far had he actually thought this through?
“Let me ask something else, and please know I’m not attempting to change your mind, I’m just trying to get into your head.”
Kendrick smiled at the doctor wanly, “You sure you want to do that, Doc? It’s sort of a mess in there.”
“That’s what I’m here for, to help straighten up that mess.”
“And you think this whole baby scenario is going to cause more of a mess?” Kendrick sighed.
“Not necessarily. Let’s just talk about it.” Dr. Parks shifted in his seat before continuing. “Feeding the baby every two to three hours, diapers, fevers, crying all through the night. Babysitters, school, book fees, new clothes, day-to-day necessities. Mouthy teen, dating, sex talks, drug talks, growing up, saving for college.”
The doctor paused in his list and studied Kendrick.
“What do you feel when I mention just some of what raising a child entails?”
“Excited, nervous, challenged, grateful to be given a second chance.” Kendrick spoke definitively.
“Not a lot of men your age would feel the same. You’ve not been home from college long, you have a whole world ahead of you. And you want to take on the addition of a partner and a child? Because even if you and Jay don’t end up in a romantic relationship, you’re going to have to be in a good place to raise a child together.” Dr. Parks waited for Kendrick to think through his answer.
“I know there’s a chance Jay and I won’t work out. I know there’s a chance she won’t want to keep the baby. But there’s also a chance I will end up in love with a beautiful woman, sharing a life with her while we raise a child together. I’ve lived the partying, the screwing around, the not-a-care-in-the-world life, Doc. I have a solid, loving, supportive family, a great job, a bright future; I want to build that future with Jay and this baby. You’re right, a lot of guys my age would shirk this responsibility even if the baby was definitely theirs. But I’m not most guys. My cousins and I were raised to love, support, and care for our family, friends, and others. We know how to face tough situations, and we know we’re blessed to be able to live this way. I want this, Doc.”
Dr. Parks was quiet for a very long time. As Kendrick began to squirm, the man finally spoke.
“Then we’ll incorporate Jay and the baby into the things we work on weekly. If you’d ever like Jay to join in our sessions, just say the word, she’s always welcome.” He stopped speaking and jotted a note. “For the record, I think this will be good for you. Not easy, but good. It’s a challenge, it’s a second chance in a way, and I think it will help you
move on from the losses in your past. My only concern is that it could lead to more loss in ways you can’t predict or control. But, like everything in life, there’s no use in fearing the unknown, we’ll deal with it if it happens.”
Kendrick left the therapist’s office feeling buoyed knowing he had his family and his doctor on his side. If he could just get Jay more sure of things, he’d be feeling great.
**********
One afternoon, Kendrick popped in long after the lunch rush at The Café. He waved and winked at Jay’s boss, grabbed them both a milk and slice of pie to share, and ushered Jay to a shielded booth.
“Wow, you just think you own the place now, huh?” Jay smirked and jabbed the pie with her fork.
“What? Barry is a good guy; he knows you need a break; he doesn’t care if I grab a couple things. It’s not like a bunch of people were here to watch me break the rules.” Kendrick sat beside her and tweaked her nose.
They ate the pie and drank the icy milk. Then silence fell over the booth.
“Kendrick, I’m really not sure I can do this.”
“This?”
“This. You, me, the baby, all of it.”
His heart dropped in his chest.
“Talk to me, tell me what you’re feeling.” Kendrick held her hand.
“Do I want to be pregnant? Do I want to raise a child?” She shifted in the seat and looked directly at him. “Beyond that, do I want to live with you? I seriously doubt you and I would have moved past a few more quick fucks if this baby hadn’t come into the picture. I feel so very conflicted. It’s like my body, heart, mind are in this constant struggle. Part of me wants to run far, far away. But there’s a little inkling of me, probably the part being ravaged by these damn hormones, that wants to lean on you, give us a chance, see where it all goes.”
His heart soared again.
“Cling to that inkling. That inkling is likely the real you speaking. The other stuff is all fear of the unknown. It’s okay to be afraid, but we can’t let it rule us. Please, Pixie, let’s be scared together and see where this all goes.” He held both her hands in his larger one.
