Ignoring for the moment the fact that I was only able to go to school because of my scholarship, and it was highly unlikely I would be able to get a scholarship to LSU for just my senior year. Not to mention the fact that some of my credits might not transfer, putting me farther behind schedule for graduation. Putting those facts aside, I imagined what it would be like if I did go with him. I would be leaving my family and the only place I’d ever lived to move somewhere far away with a guy I’d only known for a few months.
But he wasn’t just some guy. He was Ford. My Ford. He said he needed me, but did he love me? When we’d been there for a few months or weeks even, and he got into the routine of his new job and new life, would he need me anymore?
Because I loved him, so much. And as much as it would hurt to say goodbye to him now, it would absolutely kill me to say goodbye later after he had tired of me.
It was late afternoon by the time we drove back to Penn Yan from the airport. Sighing heavily I looked out the passenger side window as Ford pulled into my driveway.
The fact that I hadn’t immediately agreed to move with him seemed to boggle Ford’s mind slightly, and there was now a distance between us. I knew deep down what my answer would have to be, but I wasn’t quite ready to put it into words yet. There were three people I needed to talk to first.
I told Ford I had some studying to do, but he could come over later tonight. Instead of cracking open my books, I got into my car as soon as his truck disappeared down the street. My first stop was to see my mom. Though we didn’t see each other more than a couple times a month, we had always been close and I valued her opinion. Even as a little girl, I could tell she and my dad had loved each other very much.
It was almost dinner time when I got there, and I hoped I would be able to talk to my mom for a few minutes before she needed to get the kids fed. Using my key to let myself in, I was immediately accosted with the sound of little boys playing cops and robbers.
Poor little Bryden was blindfolded with his hands tied behind his back with one of Rick’s ties. Brandon and Braden were dragging him by the arms through the living room and into the dining room, which apparently functioned as the jail. Geez, this looked more like a prisoner of war situation than cops and robbers.
Not wanting to witness their interrogation tactics, I went into the kitchen, where I found my mom stirring spaghetti sauce on the stove.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Oh! Hi, Poppy. I didn’t know you were coming over. Are you staying for dinner?”
I hoisted myself up to sit on the counter opposite the stove. “No, I can’t stay long. I just needed to ask your advice.”
She took a lick from the spoon and then added a few more dashes of seasoning. “Hmmm, does this have anything to do with your handsome football player?”
I exhaled and raised my eyes to the ceiling. The tears were coming, and I tried my best to keep them at bay.
“Yeah…he asked me to go with him. To move to Louisiana with him.”
My mom kept stirring with her back to me. “So…you’re trying to decide what to do?”
“I think I know what to do. I just don’t want to do it.”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Does he love you?”
I hesitated. “I don’t know.”
My mom was silent, so I continued. “I know he cares for me, and he says he needs me. But he’s never said he loves me. We’ve been inseparable for the last month since his mom passed away, but I’m worried that’s all it is. That I’ve helped him deal with that, so he thinks he needs me.”
Finally my mom said, “You’ve worked so hard for your dreams, Poppy. You only have one more year of college and then you’re off to medical school. If you go with Ford, you can still pursue your dreams, but you might have to make some changes to your plans. Are you willing to sacrifice your dreams for his? When you’re not sure if he loves you?”
That’s what I came here to hear, knowing my mom would encourage me to think about what was best for me. It wasn’t what I wanted her to say, but it’s what I needed to hear.
I stuck around to help her get the food on the table, and then I left. My next stop would be even more unexpected than this one, and might even be a little awkward. I thought about calling first, but decided to just be brave and show up.
Ten minutes later I knocked on the door of a small Cape Code style house and waited with my foot tapping on the ground nervously. The door opened and Leah stood there with her daughter, Maddy, on her hip.
“Poppy? Hi. Is everything okay?” She asked, shifting Maddy to the other hip so she could open the screen door for me.
“Um, yeah. Everything’s okay. I…um…just wondered if you had a few minutes to talk to me?”
Leah looked at me curiously, but smiled and said, “Sure, come on in. Josh is over helping Grady paint the room they’re going to use as the nursery.”
She led me through the house to the kitchen and motioned for me to sit at the table. “Can I get you anything to drink?”
“No, thank you. I won’t take up much of your time. I know this is weird…me just showing up here when we don’t really know each other. But…you’ve known Ford for a long time, and you’re a woman.”
Leah put Maddy in her high chair and began feeding her tiny bites of some gross looking green baby food. “Ford and Grady are like my brothers. I’ve watched them both go through a lot over the last few years.”
“Ford asked me to move to Louisiana with him,” I blurted out.
Leah’s hand froze halfway to Maddy’s mouth. She set the spoon down and turned to look at me. “Really? Wow.” She put the baby food aside and handed Maddy a rattle to play with. Setting her elbows on the table, Leah gave me her full attention. “So, he’s taking the coaching job?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “He has until the end of this week to let the Coach know, but he seems happy, Leah. Really happy. I think this is what he needs.”
Leah studied me thoughtfully for a moment. “But you’re not going to go, are you?” She guessed.
My eyes filled with tears and my voice was shaky. “I don’t think I can. Aside from the fact that I go to school here, and it would be a major disruption to change schools for my last year and try to get a scholarship…I’m afraid he’s asking me for the wrong reasons. I asked him why he wanted me to go…and he said “because I need you.”
Leah rolled her eyes. “Jackass,” she muttered. “He should have said he loved you.”
I was relieved that she understood. “That’s what I was hoping for,” I admitted sadly.
Leah reached across the table to cover my hand with hers. “Poppy, I’ve seen changes in Ford these last few weeks that have nothing to do with him getting back to football. You’ve brought him back somehow. He does love you. I would bet my baby on it. But…” She trailed off, and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach about what her “but” would be.
“But Ford’s the type of guy that needs to figure that out for himself. I think you’re right in choosing not to go. It’s not fair of him to ask you to turn your life upside down.”
A few tears were spilling over now as the reality was setting in that I would have to let him go. “I would. I would leave my family, my friends and my school. I would leave it all behind if I knew that he loved me. Really loved me.”
“Oh, Poppy. I hate to see you so upset, and I know Ford will be upset when you tell him. Maybe he’ll decide to stay here.”
Shaking my head, I stammered,”N…No. I can’t let him stay here. He needs to go chase his dreams. I’m not going to hold him back from that. I guess it’s like that saying about if you love something to let it go…I just don’t think he’ll come back to me.”
My tears were falling freely now, and Leah pressed a tissue into my hand and put her arm around my shoulder.
“You won’t tell Ford we talked, will you?”
“Of course not. Though I can’t promise not to kick his ass if he doesn’t
get his shit together and do the right thing eventually.”
I laughed. Leah was petite with dark hair that just brushed her shoulders. From the stories I had heard from Ford, I had no doubt she would do just that.
Wanting to get out of here before Josh returned, and still needing to make one more stop, I thanked Leah and left. My final destination before returning to my apartment was a ten minute drive up the hills surrounding Keuka Lake. Fortunately the roads had been well cleared from the last snow, so my car was able to make it.
Alone in my car I was free to sob openly, tears blurring my vision as I navigated the narrow country roads. Knowing already what my decision had to be, there was just one more person I needed to talk to. I pulled my car onto the paved road that led through the hilltop cemetery and made my way to Maggie’s grave. Thankfully the ground was covered with several inches of snow, so I couldn’t see the fresh dirt that would still lay over her casket. New grass wouldn’t grow over it until the spring.
My legs sunk into the snow halfway up to my knees. Maggie’s headstone was small and simple. I could clearly remember her saying, “I’m going to be dead. What do I need a big tombstone for?” A small laugh broke through my sobs as I thought of her.
With my mittened hands, I brushed the snow from the headstone. With total disregard for my warmth or dryness I sank to my knees in the snow and bowed my head.
“I’m sorry, Maggie. I can’t make him stay,” I sobbed. My tears were freezing a trail down my cheeks, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. “He’s leaving, and I’m not going to stop him. Maybe if I begged he would stay here with me. But, I’m not going to beg. I’m not even going to ask.”
The wind was picking up, and a few light snowflakes began to fall from the sky. I don’t know why I felt the need to apologize to Maggie. After all, she knew better than anyone how much Ford wanted to leave this small town. It just felt like that last night when she talked to me about how Ford needed a good reason to stay like she wanted me to be that reason. And maybe I could be…for a short while. But sooner rather than later, Ford would heal and be ready to get back to where his life was headed before his injury and before Maggie got sick. His life that didn’t include me.
I was so lost in thought and sobbing so hard that I didn’t realize how long I had been there until freezing rain began pelting my back. My jeans were soaked through above my snow boots from kneeling in the snow for so long. The sun was starting to set, and I knew I needed to get home. Ford would be coming over soon, and I had to deal with this tonight. I wasn’t good at hiding my feelings, and he would know immediately that something was wrong.
The drive back into town took twice as long due to the treacherous road conditions. Ford’s truck was in my driveway when I pulled up, and I was surprised to see he was still sitting in it. He had a key. Why wouldn’t he have gone inside?
Parking my car next to his truck, I took a deep breath and got out. Ford did the same, and we looked at each other over the roof of my car. It was dusk, not dark enough to hide the fact that my eyes were red, or that a few tears were already slipping out again in anticipation of what I was about to say. Ford’s eyes searched my face, and his expression was grim.
Neither of us spoke for several long moments as we stood in the freezing rain staring at each other. Finally, Ford broke the silence.
“You’re not going with me, are you?” His words were harsh and reminded me of the old Ford. The Ford I met a few short months ago.
Dropping my gaze to the ground, I shook my head. Words were escaping me at the moment, and I couldn’t stand to look into his eyes any longer.
Coming around the front of my car, Ford turned me to face him and gave me a gentle shake to get me to look at him. “Why not, Poppy? Why not?”
“I…I can’t leave school. I only have one year left, and I can’t get a scholarship this late.”
“Then we can do the long distance thing until you graduate. With my new salary, I can fly you down at least once a month. And I will come back for holidays,” Ford said. His voice had taken on a pleading desperation, and it caused my determination to waver.
“Long distance relationships don’t work Ford. Out of sight, out of mind. I’ve tried it before, remember?” It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Ford. I did. He was nothing like Aiden. I just had visions of Ford slowly accustoming to his new life and me hanging on to the very end. The end where he broke my heart for good. Ending things now would be easier on both of us. Ford deserved a clean break to start again. To follow his dreams.
“That’s bullshit, Poppy,” Ford replied with his voice raised. “If you don’t want to be with me, just say it. Don’t wrap it all up in a pretty package.”
He was so wrong. I wanted to be with him more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. I wanted to be with him more than I wanted to be a doctor. If he truly loved me, I would give it all up for him.
We were at a crossroads. I could tell him I loved him and hope to hear it back. But what if he said it because he knew that’s what I needed to hear? I couldn’t take the chance - not with my heart and not with Ford’s future. He needed to take this job and get out of this town, and I couldn’t risk him giving it up because he thought he wanted to be with me.
Taking a deep breath, I raised my chin and looked Ford straight in the eyes. “I don’t want to be with you, Ford.”
He stared at me for a moment with emotions flickering through his eyes, finally stopping on the one that was most familiar to him - anger.
Throwing his hands up in the air, he turned around and began to pace back and forth in front of me. “So that’s it? You’re not even going to try to make this work?”
I hugged my arms around my chest to attempt to keep it together. “It won’t work, Ford. You’re headed in one direction, and I’m headed in another. Maybe we’ll make our way back toward each other some day. But right now, you need to go. And I need to stay.”
He bent over and put his hands on his knees. I wanted to go to him, to comfort him. But if I touched him, I wouldn’t be able to stop. And if Ford Walsh spent one more night in my bed, I would never be able to let him leave.
When he stood back up, his shoulders were slumped and he looked utterly defeated. I would have sworn there were tears in his eyes, but I didn’t get a chance to look for long. Being careful not to come too close to me, Ford walked back to his truck and swung open the door with enough force to nearly pull it off the hinges.
Even though his body was radiating tension, his voice was soft and quiet when he spoke.
“Goodbye, Poppy.”
I barely heard him over the wind and freezing rain. The second he pulled out of my driveway, I doubled over and let the tears run in rivulets down my cheeks. My sobs were so loud they brought Brooke out of her house.
“Poppy? What’s wrong?” She hurried over to me, and bent down to peer at my face.
“F…Ford,” I managed to spit out.
Having suffered her own fair share of heartbreak, Brooke understood with just that one word.
“Okay, honey. Let‘s get you inside and warmed up.”
Brooke led me into her house instead of to my apartment. For that I was eternally grateful. I couldn’t spend my first night without Ford in the bed where we had made so many wonderful memories.
Chapter Sixteen
Ford
It had been fourteen days since Poppy said she wasn’t going with me. Fourteen days since I called Coach to accept the job and tell him I would be there as soon as possible. I would have left that night if I hadn’t felt like I needed to give two weeks’ notice at the pub. My boss there had been good to me, and I couldn't just leave him stranded. Instead I bunked in Grady and Lindsay’s guest room and worked through my last two weeks.
When I rolled out of bed close to noon on my last day in town, I stumbled downstairs and rummaged around in the fridge to find something to eat. Lindsay did not cook, so there wasn't much to choose from. Settling on some cold pizza from three day
s ago, I took the box over to the couch and turned on the TV. Old reruns of Jerry Springer were on. Perfect.
Lindsay sighed dramatically when she returned home from class and saw me still in my pajama pants sprawled out on her couch.
“It’s almost lunchtime, Ford.”
I shrugged my shoulders and raised an eyebrow. “And your point is…”
She rolled her eyes at me.
“How was class?”
Again with the eye rolling. “Don’t you mean how was Poppy?”
Yeah, that’s what I meant. And Lindsay knew it. But there was no way I was going to admit it.
“Class was fine. And everyone in class was fine. You’d better get going if you’re going to make your last shift at the pub?” Lindsay said as she walked by and kicked my legs down from where they were propped up on the coffee table. “And take a shower. You’re starting to stink. I don’t need your grossness all over my sofa,” she said, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder and standing directly in front of me. Grady had said once how he found it sexy when Lindsay turned on the bitch. I just found it annoying.
Leaning over to try to look around her at the TV, I grumbled, “Yeah, yeah. I’ll get right on that.”
Lindsay grabbed the remote out of my hand. She was surprisingly quick for being five months pregnant. The TV clicked off, and Lindsay put her hands on her hips. Clearly she wasn’t going anywhere until I peeled myself off her couch.
Today was my last shift, and tonight when I was done I was driving down to Baton Rouge. The moving company had taken what little furniture I had down already, and I couldn’t even wait until the morning to start driving. The house had sold quickly since it was listed at a bargain. Now that Poppy had washed her hands of me, there was absolutely nothing keeping me here.
My mood was basically back to where it was when I first met Poppy. Without my mom around, and without Poppy, I didn’t have any motivation to try to act like a normal person. Which probably explained Lindsay’s constant exasperation with me. Well, in a few hours I would be gone, and she wouldn’t have to put up with my shit anymore.
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