by Cherry Kay
“God Damn it,” I growled when the brush missed my lashes and smudged a tiny speck onto my upper lid. It hit that point in the crease that ran into my liner making it extremely difficult to clear it out without ruining the whole application. Great… I didn’t have another five minutes to make it perfect. I was already supposed to be at my sister’s house for Christmas Eve dinner.
Wiping away the smudge best I could, I applied a whole other layer of gold shadow to hide the defect, and then pranced out of the room. Having has an entire cup of coffee just minutes ago, I was running around like a goose with its head cut off. Thank Mother Nature for caffeine. I could temporarily hide the long nights of work and no sleep with just a small warmly brewed cup of perfectness.
Keys dangling in hand and almost tripping over my own stilettos, I shouted out to Hope from the living room. “Hope. Honey let’s go!”
Moments later she appeared atop the stairs wearing a bright scarlet velvet dress and black chunky heeled shoes.
“Come on baby. We’re gonna be late.” I gestured for her to come down the stairs and waited as her short legs accented each step. To her they were large and heinous; foreboding to just run down with how small she was. And yes she was small for her age. I couldn’t quite figure out why, seeing as her father wasn’t a small man and I wasn’t a small female.
She’ll grow. The doctor had told me on her last check-up. It isn’t unusual for girls her age to shoot up all of a sudden. And boy was this true. She may have gotten it from me, but I wasn’t quite sure how since I was a premature infant and guaranteed to be smaller and more frail until my older years. It wasn’t until I hit my teen years that the asthma went away and I blossomed into something quite desirable.
High school…why did my mind have to continually reflect back on those days as of late? I wanted nothing more than to forget about everything. But then again, that was my problem. Ever since a few weeks back when I awoke alone on that bed, hungover as hell, I couldn’t get these feelings and thoughts out of my head. To be reminded of days long gone in such a way didn’t quite make me feel at ease with myself.
As we left the house and I stood outside in the chill air, I stared around. I saw, but nothing registered in my mind. The snow didn’t seem of importance to me. It happened every year. The red cardinals in the sparse trees around my home usually would’ve intrigued me with their song, but now I couldn’t concentrate on anything except the abysmal disdain and regret harbored within my heart.
Today I would put on a face for my family and pretend nothing was wrong. The honest truth was that deep inside, I was a crumbling mess. How could a man just come in and sweep me up, fly over jagged cliffs, and just drop me? Okay so that was a bit melodramatic, yet quite accurate to how I felt at this particular moment in time.
The cab arrived only moments later and I hurried Hope forward, tugging on my own sweater that wrapped around sexy ebony shoulders.
Twenty minutes passed by before twinkling lights in mid afternoon marked the arrival to my sister’s home. Pam and Peter were already outside doing what kids under the age twelve do. Handfuls of dirt and snow plummeted towards each other, followed by d by high pitched shrieks of delight.
Hope stared at me expectantly but I shook my head. “No sweetie. You’re too small to play rough with the big kids. Momma doesn’t want you to get hurt.” I fixed her red bow in the tight bun atop her head and patted my own curls.
Her eyes mirrored disappointment while placing one tiny hand against the cold glass of the cab. Her breath fogged against it as she battled herself to keep from begging after I already told her no.
The cab driver pulled up to the long stone driveway and accepted the bills I handed him without so much as a smile. “What a scrooge,” I half muttered to myself after stepping outside. He hadn’t said a word to us the entire way here.
The house ahead was rather luxurious, or so compared to mine. Gabrielle hadn’t done too badly for herself considering that she married a brilliant chiropractor. At least the one benefit out of that marriage was a family free of back issues.
I liked Kyle. He was handsome as expected of a medical doctor, but for some reason he didn’t quite reflect his credentials when away from work. He was light hearted and fun, obviously a great father, and treated Gabrielle like a princess. For that I was jealous. How many years would it be before I could find a dashing doctor to marry that made me feel like the Queen of Sheba? But no, I had to settle for deadbeats like James.
Again he arose in my mind despite the extreme effort I put into avoiding just the thought of him. Even saying his name left a bad festering taste in my mouth.
“You okay mommy?” I felt tiny hands wrap around mine. They were so warm and comforting; a symbol of frailty and weakness mingled with joy. She was mine to protect and love forever.
“Yes baby. Mommy’s okay.” I assured her and squeezed her hand before walking up the pathway to the front door. I needed tonight. To get away from everything on my mind would be a great alleviation. We were greeted at the door by a slew of smiles and Santa hats. As usual my mother was wearing her holiday earrings that she had for forever, but the wrinkles on her face only made them appear even more ornate. I didn’t quite know who to expect over, but it seemed that Gabrielle pulled a few strings to get a decent gathering together.
There was Uncle Samuel Miller and his wife Aunt Beth, my two crazy twin cousins who were currently sipping at some spiked nog in the living room. They always managed to be the first ones to get wasted on holidays such as this.
Kyle met me at the door; the only white face in the house. He was sparkling with glitter and had a fake Santa beard on, which from the looks of it had something to do with the kids. Little Pam had a glitter obsession. Judging by the trails of gold and green on the floor, she had tried her hand at spreading “pixie dust” as she called it across the house. It’s a stage she’ll grow out of, Gabrielle had said. But we were all waiting for that day to come.
“Come on,” he motioned while stepping away from the doorway. Immediately his hands reached out for my scarf and coat that I was wearing loosely open.
There hadn’t been a sign of snow, but news of a chance blasted on the radio through the entire ride here. What person wouldn’t wish for a White Christmas? I remembered when we used to live in Florida, watching holiday movies portraying what Christmas really should look like. And now I could do without shoveling the driveway or worrying about turning on the fireplace.
Letting Kyle remove my unneeded pink scarf and coat, I flashed the entire place with my sexy gold dress that went just past my knees. Expectant eyes stared at me and I did a twirl before falling into a huge mangled group hug.
When the onslaught of kisses, greetings, and hugs were over, we all made our way to the living room. It didn’t take long before Gabrielle emerged from behind the hot stove with her traditional red snow man apron and her hair in a fancy braided up-do.
“Sis!” She half yelled half laughed. “You made it…without freezing to death,” she pointed out. “Here have some,” she handed me a cup of hot cider.
Gratefully taking it, I let the warm cinnamon swirl into my nose. Ah, the familiar cozy scent along with a crackle from the fireplace. There was nothing like it in the world. And as I sipped it to keep from burning my mouth, I savored the alluring warmth, letting it coat its way smoothly down my throat.
Gabrielle looked at me shrewdly for a second. “Where’s your date? I thought you were going to bring your new boo for us to meet?”
I cringed inside. I knew who she was referring to, but she didn’t quite understand the situation at hand. I couldn’t just tell her that he fucked me only to get even with me from our high school days. He wasn’t interested in me whatsoever, and that was the part that managed to hurt the most. It wasn’t the cruel letter explaining everything and how he was sorry. Nor was it the fact that he didn’t want to hurt me further, so it would be better not to talk again… My heart ached a little every day now. After sobering up
it dawned on me that I really liked the guy. There was absolutely no reason or good explanation as to why I should, I just did. But it wasn’t good enough because I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I guess I didn’t think he was invited.” It was a lie that slid off my tongue before I could even think about what I was saying.
“Oh hush your mouth, sista. Call him up now! I’m sure if he doesn’t have a lot of family he would make it out.”
I wish I could’ve done that. Regretfully I had to shake my head. “I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again,” I added disappointingly.
Everyone suddenly became silent around me. Too many eyes cast in my direction began to make my skin crawl uncomfortably. There was no judgment in my family, and to that I was grateful. We all loved each other dearly. It was merely the fact they all felt for me- that made me feel horrible. I knew they were looking forward to meeting him. Gabrielle must’ve told everyone about my dashing new boyfriend, which had never technically made it to that status yet. To family, I supposed that was how they viewed him.
“What did you do,” my cousins Diamond and Crystal lovingly teased. It was always synchrony with the two of them. They had some weird mental connection causing their sentences and words to flow into each other’s. It was almost like they could read one another’s mind at some points.
“Nothing!”
Everyone dropped the subject as Kyle disappeared for a second. He was always the one to start the festivities.
And just as he came back with a grin on his face and a deck of cards in his hand, I felt a familiar vibration on my phone. At first I ignored it since it was family time and I didn’t like to be on any electronics during holidays. But as minutes went by, I felt the urgency of the vibrations increase.
I excused myself and took a walk out the back door. The cool chill of the wind hit me and I suddenly wished I had taken my coat with me. As I pressed the on button and slid the screen to the left I saw an unfamiliar phone number with a text message. Immediately I knew who it was from as the words “I’m sorry,” displayed themselves as part of the message.
My heart sank. I didn’t want to talk to him, yet at the same time I wanted to so bad. How could a girl have such inner turmoil about a one night stand? I knew what I was getting in to. It was my fault for trusting in the alcohol to take away any feelings I might’ve gathered for him.
Daring to look at the whole text I bit my lip nervously. Chills played all over my body. I never gave him my number but I had a pretty good idea as to where he got it from. This meant he had to go digging in his office through the applications to find mine, because I knew I had put it on there.
“I’m sorry”, it said at first. I closed my eyes a second and felt that lead weight bear down in my chest. He better damn be sorry. I knew I was a bitch in high school but come on, don’t hold it for years on end.
I’m sorry and I’m terrible with words. I know it’s a holiday, but I feel I need to get some things off my chest. Could we meet? –James
“No we can’t freakin’ meet,” I hissed angrily, turning off my screen. How did he have the gall to expect me to leave my family tonight after being such a jerk?
I walked back inside and remained silent, watching the laughter and happiness make its warm glow present. For some reason I couldn’t join in. I sat in the corner on a stool near the fire thinking about him… that’s all I could think about. He plagued my mind endlessly; the passion, the sex, the disappointment, and the non-ending need to figure out why I even felt anything for him in the first place.
Was I really that terrible those many years ago? I remembered him now, from Prom night. Granted, I was definitely not a nice girl back in the day, but I was popular, and boy was I a hit. My sassiness probably helped my popularity, especially when I made it to the cheerleading team. Those were the days I was thick and sexy, firm and toned, and extremely desirable. I displayed my brand name clothes, spent my money on stupid frivolous things, and wouldn’t date a guy unless he played sports.
That was the year I dated Thrasher, one of the popular guys in school. High school was nothing but a popularity contest without the responsibility of adulthood.
Thrasher liked to get himself into trouble with the law, skip school, and go to parties, but GOD was he good in bed. He was also the boy to take my virginity and spread it around the entire school. That was the one thing I didn’t like about him. He was egotistical and possessive, toting me around like I was his trophy girlfriend, which I undoubtedly was. But the night he got caught dealing pot, I got desperate. That was where James came in.
Prom night was the ultimate party night. There was no way I was going to show up sober, but Thrasher had been my direct connection to the good stuff. And I mean the good stuff. So it was down to two choices really. I could go with one of Thrasher’s friends who always relied on him to get the stuff, or I could go with James, who apparently liked me a lot. He had even confessed to me one day while asking me to Prom, but right after I declined, Thrasher claimed me in a relationship.
James had always been sort of average with poodle curly hair grown out to the nape of his neck. He was blonde and wore braces. His glasses didn’t quite reflect the sharp look that Thrasher always displayed. To me he didn’t have much to offer a girl except the one thing I really wanted that night. Pot. So I did what my selfish instincts told me to do. I accepted his invitation to Prom, limo and all, and made him think that I was actually into him. I played the role so well until he opened the subject of getting high. That was when I knew I was in.
A few weeks after Prom I dumped him when Thrasher got out of jail early. His family was rich and they were able to pull a few strings.
James knew I used him. I could completely understand why he was sore about it, but he didn’t need to come back all these years later and get even with me. No wonder I didn’t recognize him. His hair was different, his glasses were gone, and he was cunningly handsome. Somehow he had figured out how to play the strings of a female’s heart to his own use just as I did to him. I played him and now he played me. It was perfect, classic almost.
Gabrielle finally drew me out of my shell. She tugged on my hand, almost scaring me and drug me over to her bedroom.
“What’s going on,” she demanded. “You’ve been off all day and spacing out from the moment you got here.” She crossed her arms with lines of concern etching her face.
I sighed begrudgingly, knowing I had to share it with her. She wasn’t one to let up that easily and I didn’t feel like denying the fact that I needed to talk to someone.
“I messed up,” I admitted shamefacedly. “I messed up on more than one end too.”
She smiled encouragingly at me. “It’s okay babe. Tell me. Let it all out.”
She sat me down on the bed and sat next to me. My head was a jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions. I didn’t quite know where to start. Finally I started at the beginning. It was hard at first as I watched her eyes widen at certain scenes in the story. She knew I was a little brat when I was younger, but I managed to hide a lot of what I did from her pretty well. I knew she would’ve never approved, which was why she was so much better off than me at this stage in life. She was the smart one.
I related to her my high school experiences and then told her about James. I didn’t leave any details out of the story. What was the point? And when I was done we both sat in silence. I could see the wheels in her head turning, churning, and grinding until she finally looked me straight in the eye.
“Go to him, babe. Tell him how you feel and let him apologize. You two can’t keep bringing things up from the past. And if he really likes you and realized it too late, then give him the chance to start over. You can both start fresh.” She smiled and kissed my cheek.
“How do you know what I should do? You’re married, for crying out loud. You have no drama in your life,” I said doubtfully. What if I should just quit trying?
“Have I ever steered you wrong,�
� she rasped, almost hurt by the fact of me questioning her advice.
I shook my head and laughed. “No.” That was one thing she had never done before. “I just feel bad skipping out on everyone over some stupid guy.”
“Go,” she smacked my butt. “Go and chase your dreams. If I didn’t know you well enough, then I wouldn’t notice how head over heels you are over him. You’re just in denial, girl. Stop it,” she rebuked me like a mother hen. “And bring him with you tomorrow for Christmas if you two are sober enough,” she teased.
I cast her look of dismay. “Shut up,” I hissed, and then proceeded to the doorway.
She followed, tossed me my coat and purse I had left behind and handed me a set of keys. “Here,” she said. “Take my car, just please bring it back in one piece,” she said with a ray of hope on her face.
I paused in front of the door and hugged her. I didn’t do that quite often with her, but she was a good person. She looked out for me more than I could imagine. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. “Of course,” She grinned. “I’ll watch Hope till you get back. There’s no hurry.”
As I stepped out the door into the cold, it didn’t even dawn on me how quickly my heart took a turn. Butterflies flew in my stomach until I could barely stand them. Nothing seemed to be going fast enough, even as I backed out my sister’s small sports car from the garage and let the gas go. And did it go…
I made a promise to myself as I drove, texting him to meet me at the Ice rink. It was beautiful this time of year. I vowed that no matter what happened tonight it would be for the best. I wouldn’t be upset about anything. So I held my head high.
Chapter 7
Flashing lights speckled the cold air in brilliant beautiful colors. Every breath made a cloud that rose, dispersed, and disappeared. Brrrrr. It was definitely getting colder as grey skies made themselves apparent. It might just snow tonight with the weather reports pointing in a positive note towards the oncoming snow flurries.
