High Meadow

by Joan Wolf

  "I do it every day, Daniel."

  "Well you won't do it while I'm here. You fill the buckets, and I'll carry them to the stalls."

  She gave him a long, level stare, and he waited. He was trespassing on her territory, and he knew that was dangerous. But he was simply incapable of watching her lug those heavy water buckets.

  "All right," she said at last. "It will be faster that way."

  He didn't realize how much he had feared being dismissed until she spoke, and relief flooded through him. He didn't say anything more, but lifted the water bucket out of the sink and began to walk with it into the barn.

  "Be sure you attach the handle to the fastener in the stall," she called after him.

  "I will," he called back, and proceeded on his way.

  Daniel went home, and Kate brought the horses in from turnout. Then she went back to the house. The phone rang as she walked in the door and she picked it up in the kitchen.

  "Hello?"

  A woman said, "May I speak to Molly Foley, please?"

  "She's not here just now. May I take a message?"

  "Will you please ask her to call Dr. Barnes when she gets home?"

  Kate felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. Dr. Barnes was her mother's gynecologist. "All right."

  "Thank you. I'll be here until five."

  "I'll tell her."

  Kate hung up and collapsed into a chair at the kitchen table. Mom had a mammogram on Monday. Something must be wrong. That was Dr. Barnes herself.

  Like a sleepwalker, she went down the driveway to the bus stop to pick up Ben. She established him in the kitchen with milk and cheese and crackers, all the time listening for the sound of the door opening. As soon as she heard it she ran to intercept Molly in the hallway.

  "Mom. Dr. Barnes called about twenty minutes ago. She wants you to call her right back."

  Molly put down her canvas school bag and stared at Kate. "Did she say what it was about?"

  "No. But you had a mammogram on Monday. Didn't they read it at the Mammography Center?"

  "No, they don't do that anymore while you wait. Is Ben in the kitchen?"

  "Yes."

  "I'll call from upstairs then."

  Kate went back into the kitchen and tried to act normally as she listened to Ben tell her about what had happened that day in school. Finally, she went with him upstairs so he could change into play clothes. She went to knock at the closed door of Molly's bedroom.

  "Mom?"

  "Come in, dear."

  She pushed open the door and entered the pretty peach-colored room to find Molly sitting on the side of the queen-sized bed, her hands folded in her lap. "Did you talk to the doctor?"

  "Yes." Molly looked at her. "Evidently there was something that looked like a calcification on the mammogram that they want to check out further. She's sending me to a surgeon for a biopsy."

  "Shit," Kate said.

  "It doesn't mean it's cancer, Kate."

  "Of course it doesn't. But it's scary all the same."

  Molly said soberly, "Yes, it is."

  Kate sat next to her mother and hugged her hard. "It's going to be all right, Mom. You have no risk factors for breast cancer. No one in the family has ever had it, you don't smoke, and all you ever have is an occasional glass of wine. You're going to be fine."

  Molly nodded. "Dr. Barnes is going to make an appointment for me with a surgeon she recommends."

  "Do they have to operate to do a biopsy?"

  "They must, or she wouldn't be sending me to a surgeon."

  Kate picked up her mother's hand and held it tightly. "I'll always be here for you, Mom. You know that, don't you?"

  Molly turned to smile at her. "I do know it, Kate. Now try not to worry. The chances are it's only a false alarm."

  Daniel picked Kate up at eight-thirty, and she got into the car reluctantly. She had wanted to call the date off so she could stay home with her mother, but Molly had insisted that she go out.

  It didn't take Daniel long to figure out something was wrong. Almost the first thing he said when they had been seated by a reverential waiter was, "What's wrong, Kata?"

  "How do you know that something's wrong?" she parried.

  "You're not a hard person to read."

  "Great."

  He said mildly, "If you don't want to tell me, okay. What would you like to drink? Is wine all right?"

  Paradoxically, the moment that he said she didn't have to tell him, she wanted to. She twisted her napkin in her lap, and said, "Mom has to see a surgeon about her mammogram. They found something on it, and she has to go for a biopsy."

  His face became very grave. "Oh, Kata. I am so sorry. But it could be nothing, you know. A teammate of mine's wife had to have a biopsy last year and everything was fine. The same thing may happen to your mother."

  "God, I hope so."

  The waiter came over, and Daniel ordered a bottle of wine. Then he said, "My mother had breast cancer, you know."

  Kate stopped twisting her napkin. "She did?"

  He nodded. "Five years ago. It was picked up on a mammogram."

  "And she's okay now?"

  "She's fine."

  "Did they do a mastectomy?"

  "No, they just took out the lump."

  "Did she have to have chemotherapy?"

  "Yes, she did."

  "Oh God, Daniel. I am so scared."

  "It's a very scary thing. But you don't know that it's cancer, number one. Number two, the survival rate for breast cancer when it's caught early is very high."

  "How do we know that Mom's was caught early?"

  "Because it was picked up on a mammogram. She didn't feel a lump herself, did she?"

  "No."

  "So it is quite probably in the early stages—if it's cancer at all."

  Their wine came, and the wine steward opened the bottle and poured a little for Daniel to sip. He nodded, and the steward filled Kate's glass, then Daniel's. The waiter came over and asked if they were ready to order, and Daniel told him to come back.

  "How is your mother taking the news?"

  "Like Mom always takes bad news: calmly and bravely."

  He nodded. "Have you told Ben?"

  "No. We'll tell him if we have to, but he doesn't need to know anything yet."

  He nodded. "My parents didn't tell me until the cancer diagnosis had been made, so at least I didn't have to go through all the agony of waiting to find out. When does Molly see the surgeon?"

  "Monday."

  He nodded and took a sip of his wine.

  She said, "I'm sorry to pour cold water over your celebration, Daniel. I wanted to cancel our dinner, but Mom wouldn't hear of it."

  "I'm glad you came and don't worry about my celebration. We did plenty of celebrating last night in the clubhouse."

  She said in a rush, "Do you know what the worst thing about all this is?"

  "No. What?"

  "I think I'm more afraid for myself than I am for Mom. I mean, what would I do without Mom? She's a huge part of my life. Losing her would be like an . . . amputation."

  He looked in her eyes, and said calmly, "I don't think you're going to lose your mother, Kata. Women get breast cancer at an alarming rate, but only a small percentage die of it."

  She drew a deep breath and exhaled. Then she took a drink of her wine. Then she looked at Daniel and smiled. She hadn't intended to tell him about Molly, but now she was glad that she had. "Thank you. I feel better."

  "I'm glad. You'll let me know if I can do anything for you."

  She nodded.

  "Did Ben really want to brag about me to his friends?"

  "Yes, he did. I was going to let him take the day off, but he insisted on going in to school."

  He smiled that wonderful smile that always made her want to smile back. "That makes me happy."

  "Will you be going to Colombia for a while now that you're finished with baseball?"

  "I don't think so. I think I will spend some time with Ben." />
  She brought up a subject that had been on her mind. "Do you think you could ride with him more frequently, Daniel?"

  "Of course. We had fun that one time we went out."

  "It's not that I want to turn him into a professional rider, but he is missing out on so much because of this prejudice he has about boys riding."

  He grinned. "You are merciless about other sports, Kata, but when it comes to your own it's a different story."

  "May I take your order now, Mr. Montero?" It was the waiter, and his arrival saved Kate from having to respond.

  * * *

  15

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  Molly went out to dinner with Alberto on Saturday night, but she didn't say anything to him about her mammogram. Instead she asked him questions about Colombia and, in listening to his replies and becoming involved in the ensuing conversation, she managed to forget for a short time the cloud that was hanging over her head.

  Monday morning at ten o'clock she reported to the surgeon's office in New Haven, the pictures from her mammogram under her arm. She was not as nervous as she thought she would be. Her naturally sanguine temperament had asserted herself, and she was inclined to believe that everything would be all right.

  After a ten-minute wait, she was taken to an examining room, where she met the surgeon. Dr. Rose was a tiny woman in her midthirties, and she smiled at Molly. "I've looked at your mammogram, and now I'd like to examine your breast," Dr. Rose said, and Molly lay back upon the table.

  She was shocked when Dr. Rose felt a lump.

  "You mean, you can actually feel something?"

  "Yes." The doctor picked up Molly's hand. "There. Can you feel it yourself?"

  Molly wasn't sure.

  "It seems to be a fairly good size," Dr. Rose said.

  The bottom fell out of Molly's stomach. She had been assuming, because it was picked up on a mammogram, that it would be small. "That doesn't sound good," she managed to say.

  "It may be fine," the doctor said, "but we're going to need a biopsy to know for sure. I'd like you to go for an ultrasound first, though. That will let me see even more precisely exactly where this mass is."

  "Okay," Molly said faintly.

  "If you like, I can stick a needle into the lump and aspirate some cells. I think it's big enough for me to do that, and if the cells come back positive for cancer we can go right ahead with the operation without having to do a biopsy first."

  My God. The lump is so big that she can stick a needle into it.

  "Sure," she said. "That sounds sensible."

  Molly was feeling numb as she got back into her car and headed toward school. It really might be cancer, she kept thinking. It really might be cancer.

  That afternoon, while Ben was changing into play clothes, she told Kate about her visit to Dr. Rose. "She talked about doing a lumpectomy," she said. 'Apparently they are as safe as mastectomies, and you don't have the disfigurement to deal with."

  "But you don't know for sure that the lump is cancer?"

  "No, I don't know for sure."

  But Molly was beginning to suspect, and when she went the following day for an ultrasound, her suspicions deepened. At first the radiologist had been very reassuring, telling her he did many of these screenings that turned out to be nothing. But he sang a different tune after the test was over and he had looked at the results.

  "You can't tell for sure what it is until you have the biopsy results, but I often get a pretty good idea from the pictures I take, and I have to say, Mrs. Foley, that this looks like cancer."

  Molly grimaced. "That wasn't what I wanted to hear."

  "And I may be wrong. I've seen things that look exactly like cancer turn out to be benign, and things that look harmless turn out to be cancer. As I said before, only the biopsy will tell for sure."

  Molly's appointment had been for later in the afternoon, so instead of going back to school she went home. Kate had not come up from the barn yet, so Molly went to check the answering machine. There was a call from Dr. Rose asking her to call back.

  Molly did.

  The doctor herself came on the line. "We did manage to get a reading on those cells I took out, and they are cancerous."

  Molly felt numb. "So what's the next step?"

  "The next step is to get a date for surgery. It will be done at Yale-New Haven Hospital, and they have a nursing unit in the hotel across the street where you can stay overnight much more comfortably than you would in the hospital. Some family member can stay with you if you like. You'll be able to go home the following day."

  "And you'll be doing a lumpectomy?"

  "That's right. The lump is about two centimeters long, so it's fairly big, but I think the lumpectomy is the way to go. I'll also take the sentinel node and a few other lymph nodes from under your arm, to make sure it hasn't spread."

  "You're sure a mastectomy wouldn't be better?"

  "In your case, it isn't necessary right now."

  "Okay," Molly said numbly.

  "I'll have my office book the surgery date and get back to you. Also the hospital will be calling you with information and instructions."

  "Okay," Molly repeated.

  "I'm sorry the diagnosis turned out to be cancer, but we're going to make you better, Molly."

  "Thank you, Doctor," Molly said.

  "You'll be hearing from my office soon."

  "Okay. Thanks again."

  Molly put down the phone and sat staring into space. It's really true. I have cancer. I have to have an operation and maybe chemotherapy and radiation. I might even die.

  Her stomach cramped. Suppose the Church is wrong? Suppose there is no afterlife? Suppose when you die you just cease to exist?

  I can't imagine myself ceasing to exist. I can't imagine the brain and the bundle of feelings that are me just disappearing forever, blown out, like a candle.

  I shouldn't think this way. At least I know that Kate will be fine. She doesn't need me anymore, and Daniel will always make sure that she's all right financially. Ben will be fine, too. It's not like I'm a young mother leaving young children, like Debra Winger in Terms of Endearment. I can go without fearing for the ones I'm leaving behind.

  Alberto. What will he say when he hears the news? He lost his wife to cancer. Will he stop seeing me because of this? Do I care if he stops seeing me?

  Kate's voice came from the front hall. "Mom? Where are you?"

  "Here, dear. In the kitchen."

  Kate came in the room dressed in her usual jeans, paddock boots, and sweater. "How did the ultrasound go?"

  "I just heard from Dr. Rose, and the cells she got from the tumor turned out to be cancerous."

  "Oh, Mom," Kate said. "Oh, Mom." She came to put her arms around Molly, and the two women stood for a long moment, embracing each other in silence.

  At last Kate said fiercely, "It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay, Mom. I just feel that it is."

  Molly felt tears well in her eyes and made a heroic effort to force them back. Kate was scared enough already. She didn't need to see her mother cry.

  Kate held her tighter, as if she sensed her mother's turmoil. "Daniel told me that his mother had breast cancer five years ago. And look at her now! She looks fabulous."

  Molly managed a laugh. "She certainly does."

  "Maybe you could talk to her, Mom. You know, get the scoop from the inside and all that."

  "Perhaps I will." Molly stepped away from her daughter, and Kate looked anxiously into her face. "We'll see this through together, Mom. Like we always have."

  "I know, dear. And that's a comfort to me."

  "So what's next?"

  "Dr. Rose will operate and take the lump out. She's also going to take out some lymph nodes to make sure it hasn't spread."

  Kate nodded. "When? And will you have to stay in the hospital?"

  "I'll have to stay overnight."

  "That's not too bad."

  "No, I really don't think it will be. I've don
e a little reading, and thousands and thousands of women have had this procedure and been cured. Did you know that the breast cancer rate was one in eight?"

  "One in eight women gets breast cancer?"

  "That's right."

  "God." Kate frowned as if a sudden worrisome thought had crossed her mind. "What about your health insurance, Mom? Will it cover the operation?"

  "I'll talk to the Glendale Teacher's Association representative at work, but I think we'll be all right. One of the men on the staff had a prostate cancer operation, and he said the insurance covered practically everything."

  "Well, that's good."

  "Try not to brood about this, dear. It's a lump, which the surgeon is going to remove, then everything should be okay again." She glanced at the kitchen clock. "You're late picking Ben up at the bus stop."

  Kate too glanced at the clock. "Oh my God. See you in a few minutes, Mom," and she ran out the door.

  Molly went upstairs and sat on her pretty flowered quilt and stared into space. Jim, she thought. Are you able to hear me? I remember when you were first diagnosed you told me that you weren't ready to die. But by the time the cancer got through with you, you were. Will it be like that for me? Right now I want to hang on to life with both hands and my teeth, too, if necessary. But if this thing can't be stopped, I'll probably end up ready to let go like you were.

  The ringing of the telephone interrupted her thoughts. She picked it up, and it was Alberto. He wanted to know if she would like to go into New York with him next Saturday to see the new show at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

  Molly wanted very badly to go but, "I can't, Alberto. Kate has a horse show here on Saturday, and she needs me to keep an eye on Ben."

  "How about Sunday then?"

  "Sunday would be fine."

  They made arrangements, and Molly hung up the phone. If I'm going to have surgery, I'll have to tell Alberto. There are some things you just can't hide.

  On impulse, she unbuttoned her blouse and looked down at her breasts. Molly was not a vain woman, but she knew she had very nice breasts, and she had been proud of them. Poor thing, she thought sorrowfully, looking at the creamy white breast cupped in its plain Warner's bra. What will you look like when the surgeon gets finished with you? How much will be left? She said the tumor was big.