Beautifully Awake

by Riley Mackenzie

  Call u tomorrow.

  Love u too.

  I picked myself up and headed straight for the bathroom. Maybe a long hot shower was exactly what I needed. But what I wanted was Chase. His arms securely around me. His intoxicating smell filling my senses. His crystal grey gaze locking with mine.

  Still damp, I tugged my robe around my body and crawled into bed without dinner. Confused and sad, I stretched for my cell. Sierra wasn’t going to swallow a text. She picked up on the first ring.

  “Lili, you home? You okay?” She sounded startled.

  “Yeah, I’m home, got home, um ... I don’t know, half hour ago, what time is it?” I asked because I had absolutely no idea how long I’d been home. Again it was like time stood still. Minutes blended into hours.

  “Sweetie, you okay? It’s like one in the morning.”

  “Shit! Sierra, I’m so sorry I woke you. Did I wake Dodd too?”

  “Who cares about that, I’m glad you called. I would’ve freaked if I didn’t hear from you. I’m in the guestroom anyway. Dodd was snoring so loud and hogging the bed. My big ass body kept tossing and turning…” She was stalling. Sierra never stalled. “Umm … do you want to talk about it, hun?” Her voice cracked, the way it does when you are on the verge of losing it and are struggling to keep it together.

  “Not really,” I croaked out.

  “Oh Lil, you’re crying. Oh god. Sweetie, I’m so sorry, I can’t believe what happened. Don’t cry. I haven’t heard you cry in so long. Where is Chase, is he with you?” Sierra was crying now too.

  I had to wait for the knot in my throat to relax before I could answer her. “No, he … he went home. I’m alone.” Alone.

  “He did what? What did Dr. Dickhead say to you? Forget it. I’m getting dressed, I’m on my way.” Sierra stopped crying. But I couldn’t.

  “No, Sier ... don’t be ... ridiculous.” Sob. “It’s the middle of the night.” I had zero control, I cried harder.

  “Yeah, and ... I will see you in a few minutes, unlock the door for me.” End of discussion.

  Sierra thundered through my unlocked apartment door and crashed straight onto my bed. “What did that Dr. Fucker do to you?” Sierra was pissed.

  “He didn’t do anything, it’s what he didn’t do, Sier.” I finger combed my damp hair and squeezed my forehead, rehashing our conversation for the umpteenth time. “He wouldn’t let me explain, he didn’t even want to hear my story, my truth.” My face was going to be raw if I wiped my tear soaked cheeks one more time. “He just sat in that courtroom and listened while Derek Reed made me look like I cried fucking wolf.” Fury resurfaced and sizzled. “Chase was so angry, Sier, he told me he wanted the bastard’s head on a platter for humiliating me in front of the whole town.”

  Sierra sighed so deep, her belly looked like a basketball. “Um Lil … then where is he, why isn’t he here?”

  “He dropped me off and ... just left. Said he had an early meeting with his best friend. I don’t know if that means he’s leaving for New York or Boston, or if Asher’s coming here.” I picked at what was left of my nails. “Something just wasn’t right. He was ... distant.”

  “That doesn’t sound right. Look, I might not be his biggest fan, but that’s just because he’s freaking selfish about sharing your time. The guy’s been up your ass for weeks. I can’t believe he would leave you like this, in this state...” Sierra paused to really look at me. “…this completely fucked-up state of mind you’re in.”

  “Thanks, Asspuck.” My lips curled up slightly. “You here to make me feel better or worse?”

  “Oh thank fuck, was that almost a smile? Because seriously, Lil, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with you when I first walked in. You looked like you needed some sort of IV. Xanax, or vodka, something.”

  “Nice, real nice. And you call yourself a best friend. You think I’m screwed up ... well, just so you know, you’re not that far behind.” We both truly half smiled. Then we proceeded to rehash every word of my conversation with Chase until exhaustion lulled us under.

  When the sun beamed through my very open drapes, I reached for my glasses and peeked at my clock. 8:46 AM. I smelled the coffee. Thank god for Sierra.

  “That decaf?”

  “Good morning to you, too. And ... hell no! I wouldn’t do that to you.” She handed me a piping hot cup.

  “Mmmm.” The piping liquid burned going down, reminding me I wasn’t dreaming. Yesterday wasn’t just a really long, really bad dream.

  “What’s on today’s agenda? We have a shower to plan, you know.” Distraction was Sierra’s go-to plan. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t.

  Her plan had merit, so I decided to suck it up and rally. It was the least I could do for the world’s best BFF, who dragged her very pregnant butt out of bed to comfort me. “We do, don’t we?” I grabbed my laptop and sat on the couch. “Let’s work on the menu, figure out what you want to serve.”

  “Yay, sounds good to me.” She found her iPad deep in her purse and sat next to me. Sierra’s bag made my monstrosity look like a change purse. “But you pick the food. The thought of anything food related this early in the day makes me want to hurl.”

  Her grossed out expression cracked me up. “I thought your morning sickness was over.”

  “It is … as long as I don’t think about food.” Okay. “Besides, drinks are more fun. The shower’s early enough for mimosas, right?” She didn’t appreciate my eye roll. “What? I’ll be eight months by then. I can totally have a sip. A little champagne’s not going to hurt. It’s probably healthy. Just ask your doctor-” She stopped herself midsentence and scrunched her face, looking like a deer in headlights.

  “It’s fine. You don’t have to tiptoe around me. I’m not going to lose it at the mention of his name.” I hope. “Anyway, today’s about you, not me. Okay? And to answer your question, I think mimosas sound perfect … for everyone but you.” She pouted and I laughed. “Come to think of it, see if they have a Krug Ambonnay or something that sounds like that. It’s really yummy.” I was surprised I remembered the champagne label from Asiate.

  “Fine, but I’m totally having a sip. Hmm, I can’t wait.” Sierra rubbed her round stomach.

  “Fine, one sip,” I deadpanned.

  “Hear that, sweet girl? Aunt Lili said we get to have a glass of champagne at your party.”

  What happened to a sip? She was too damn much, but watching her talk to her unborn daughter was too freaking adorable. I wanted that one day.

  We got to work diligently researching our menus.

  “Holy shit! Lili, do you have any idea how expensive that champagne is? When the hell did you drink that?”

  “Um ... when Chase took me to New York, he ordered two bottles for us.” You know, the most amazing night of my life.

  “Two bottles! Holy shit, you said he had some money, but come on, who spends fifteen thousand dollars on champagne? I’m all for a little splurge, but that’s insanity!”

  Holy shit, she was right. Fifteen thousand dollars on a drink. And for no real reason. That was insane.

  “Let’s be honest, Lil, doctors don’t make that kind of money anymore. Brain surgeon or not. Think about it ... freaking personal driver, two sick apartments, a bazillion dollar shopping spree that you said yourself he treated like a stroll through Target. What did he do, win the lotto or something?”

  I never really thought about it.

  “I ... I don’t know. His family has money, I think. Or maybe it’s from whatever device he invented or his company in Boston.”

  “He owns a company? He invented shit? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about any of this?”

  “Because I’m not really sure.” Suddenly I was … embarrassed. And not over yesterday’s courtroom debacle, or how the secret of my rural disaster betrayed Chase’s trust. I was ashamed that I couldn’t answer a simple question about this man, a man I’d grown to trust. I was an open book now, yet he was still a mystery.

 
“Not really sure?” she rightfully questioned. “I get he’s ridiculously hot and all, and I can only imagine how sick the sex is, but you can’t screw twenty-four, seven. So what the hell do you two talk about? Owning a company and being stupidly rich seems relatively major to me.”

  Good question.

  “You’re right. I know. But he doesn’t talk about himself that much. He hasn’t really told me anything.” God, I sounded pathetic. Now I was the one who was nauseous.

  “And there lies the problem, girlfriend. No communication.” Sierra wasn’t a lot of things, but blunt was not one of them.

  17

  Bruised

  Sierra left sometime in the late afternoon after we finalized the menu, spoke with the florist and picked out the favors. Her power of distraction worked to my advantage. I wasn’t wallowing. Completely. But, it didn’t stop me from checking my phone every five minutes. I was crawling into bed when the damn thing finally chimed.

  Busy w Ash in NY.

  Take Monday off. -CC

  I stared at the mobile device in my hand, rereading his message. What happened to Xo? I was tempted to throw the damn thing across the room. All day I contemplated how I was going to react when he finally contacted me, but I wasn’t expecting blood-boiling rage. Beside myself. The tone of his text implied he wasn’t expecting a response back, as if he said everything he had to say. For real? Damn him. No, fuck him.

  Yet all I wanted was him. I wanted us back. I wanted to feel the warmth of his arms around me. I wanted our intimacy.

  I tugged the sheet up to my chin and shut my eyes. Too mad to cry. I cried enough. I cried a lifetime of tears. Control was stolen from me once before, there was no way I was allowing it again. Our relationship was not ending like this. He deserved my truth and I deserved his.

  So I did take Monday off, but not because he told me to. I needed the pause. Technically it was the start of my new rotation and I called in sick. Instead of work, I ran until my legs felt like jelly and spent the rest of the day shopping, even though I didn’t need a thing. Chase had filled my wardrobe with enough new clothes to last several seasons. Instead I shopped for Sierra’s baby. And did I ever, enough to last her several seasons.

  A text came in as I was paying for my coffee.

  Gone for the week on business

  Leaving after work. -CC

  Where r u?

  CC is obviously doing just fine without me.

  I plopped down at a table outside of Starbucks and fiddled with my packages, pretending I wasn’t obsessively waiting or willing my phone to chime back. But there was no response. Nothing, that was it. Bullshit. He never mentioned a business trip, probably because it was never planned. Was he kidding me? He was treating me like a stranger. Maybe that’s exactly what we were. Strangers. Conveniently fucking.

  Tuesday morning came way too early. Back in heels and trying to pull myself together, I stopped by Jorge’s cart and picked up a latte. Along with Chase, I hadn’t seen my personal Starbucks delivery since we got back from Wrangel. Not that I cared about losing the little luxury, I didn’t. It was a bit over the top to begin with, but I had to admit that his small gesture put a smile on my face every day. It showed he was thinking about me. It was stupid, but it made me feel ... special.

  I went directly to my office to let the morning rush die down. Pediatrics was more laid back and I wasn’t responsible for rounding in the morning. I planned to hide out for a little bit before I met up with the new team.

  “Hey! There you are. How’re you feeling?” Kate knocked and walked in, all smiles. “Where were you guys yesterday? Everything okay?”

  “I called out sick, needed a mental health day.” It was the truth.

  “What about Chase?”

  I was confused. “What about Chase?”

  “Well, just that it was weird that the on-call neurosurgeon covered his cases yesterday. Supposedly Chase, um … called in sick.” Kate needed to work on being subtle. “I assumed you two were together...” Her voice got quieter, until I almost couldn’t hear her.

  I was totally unprepared for any “us” questions, so I attempted playing it off. “Why would you think that?” Then it hit me, hard. “Wait ... Chase wasn’t here yesterday?”

  My mind reeled with questions, one in particular. I had read those damn texts a thousand times. There was no confusion. Gone for the week, leaving after work. He lied to me. Damn, he freaking ... lied. But why? I felt a sharp ache beneath my breastbone. An actual ache.

  “Don’t be mad, but you know how Leanne has a huge mouth, right?”

  I scrunched my eyes and grimaced.

  “She kind of told all of us how you had to go home to testify at some trial and that ... Chase might have gone with you.” It sounded more like a question than a statement.

  “What do you mean by all of us?” I was fully aware of Leanne’s big mouth, but she wouldn’t broadcast her suspicions about us to the entire hospital. Would she? Shit.

  Kate’s creased brow said it all. “Saturday night when we were all at Rosa’s for the end of rotation happy hour … Leanne might have, kind of, mentioned that you and Chase might be-”

  I knew she was trying to be tactful, but her pause was really irritating.

  “Anyway, it was ... sort of the whole team. Jackson, Guy, Sam and his wife, and a couple of other fifth floor nurses ... are you mad?”

  “No. I’m not mad, Kate.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “It’s fine. Look, I’m happy you told me but I wish Leanne never said anything.” I really, really wished. “But just so you know, the situation between Chase and me ... um, it’s ... nothing.” My chest heaved with a piercing pain. I actually said it was nothing … we were nothing. It was everything, at least to me. I tuned out everything around me, allowing all our playful moments to briefly flash like a slide show. He really just walked away like it never happened. Fuck!

  “Hey, are you okay? Where’d you go? You totally spaced on me. Want to talk about it?”

  “Yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” I whispered. Now who was the liar? “I just have to go, I have a lot to do before I meet the peds team up on seven.”

  Kate’s round eyes widened, and she pursed her lips together as if to say bullshit. I just didn’t have it in me to explain. Not yet. “I’ll see ya later.”

  August was here and I was finally off Chase’s service. Ironically, I pushed for discretion and put a date on going “public” with our relationship when he wanted to tell the world about us and claim me as his own from the beginning. And now I was left solo, fielding questions about us with no answers. Chase was gone, who knew where. This sucked. All of it.

  The elevator felt like the local train on the way up to seven, stopping on every floor. I sipped my coffee, adding to the inferno already burning my insides. He lied. But why? It wasn’t an insignificant detail he forgot to mention. He blatantly lied. My finger hovered over Chase’s name on my contact list, under ‘favorites’ no less, while I debated calling him out, wanting him to eat his own phrase, truth.

  The elevator opened on five. Guy stepped on. “Doll.” He seemed surprised to see me.

  “Hi, you.” I smiled.

  “Missed you on Saturday night.” His sentiment was so genuine it almost annoyed me. Of course, I had to fall for Dr. Freaking Mystery. “Hey, is everything okay ... with all that legal stuff you had to deal with ... and with Chase?” He stuttered as if he was nervous to ask.

  However, the topic was not up for discussion. Not now. Not ever. My chest tightened, as the elevator walls seemed to be closing in. With nowhere to go I shifted my weight and pressed my back into the corner. Damn, it was awkward.

  “Um, Guy, why are you even in here?” I waved at the elevator control panel while Guy looked confused. “You’re a surgeon, right? Shouldn’t you be taking the damn stairs?”

  Recognition coated his eyes and he laughed out loud, flashing his adorable dimple. “I gotcha, doll. Glad you’re back, though. Resident schedules got all screwed up.
Sam and I are with Colton another month, so I’m sure we’ll see you around.” Guy believed I was with Chase. Well, I was, or maybe I wasn’t. “Hey Lil, it’s your floor.”

  I didn’t realize the elevator stopped and the doors opened. I stepped off and turned back, hoping he could read between my lines. “Thanks, Guy.” For not drilling me. For being a friend. For always being so sweet.

  “Anytime, doll.” Yeah, he read me.

  By Friday morning, I was as physically run down as I was emotionally. Literally. I was so dehydrated that I even gave myself a UTI. Between dozens of trips to the bathroom to pee razor blades and the hours I logged in my sneakers ruminating over the days of radio silence, the Central Park loop would have been a freaking cake-walk. All communication with Chase had gone dead. I last texted him Wednesday night, but I still hadn’t gotten a response to we need to talk?

  I kept envisioning how angry he was right after court. And how he morphed into a stranger by the time I stepped out of his car Saturday night. He was ... vacant. His eyes were empty. They were devoid of emotion, no feeling. I had suffered through this week without him long enough. I needed to see him whether he wanted to see me or not. It wasn’t a choice.

  I stepped outside for the first time all week and let the warm sun bathe my face. I had spent every other lunch break this week choking down crackers and hiding in my office. The unwavering, tight knot in my stomach wreaked havoc on my GI tract.

  “Lili?” The voice was vaguely familiar so I turned around and saw bright green eyes shining in my direction. “On lunch?” Dressed in a tailored light suit and carrying a black leather briefcase, I recognized him immediately.

  “Um ... hi. What are you doing here?”

  Asher leaned down and kissed my cheek. He was the last person I expected to see outside the hospital.

  “Nice to see you too, Lili.” He sarcastically chuckled.

  “Oh, sorry.” I blushed at my rudeness. “I didn’t know you were in town, you surprised me. I assumed you were still away with Chase on your business trip ... wherever that is.” My voice trailed off.