Beautifully Awake

by Riley Mackenzie

  “You’re probably right, but you could score some serious points with me,” I said suggestively.

  Chase responded with a smile that reached his eyes. “Mmm. I missed that sassy little mouth.” His lips brushed the tip of my nose. “Hop on, sweetness.” He motioned for me to jump on his back.

  “You can’t be serious? You can’t carry me all the way back.”

  “First of all, you just sprinted a half marathon. I found you rubbing your calf like a banshee. You’re not walking back. Second. Yes, I can.”

  You’d think I would have learned by now.

  21

  Pure steel

  The baby shower was ... a baby shower. No matter how you dressed it up, changed the location or added testosterone to the guest list, showers were showers. But Sierra looked radiantly happy rocking her mini black and pink paisley halter sundress that boasted a neckline that plunged to meet the empire waist, accentuating her girls, as she liked to call them these days. She even insisted on keeping with the theme and highlighted her short pixie haircut with chunky pink streaks. But my personal favorite was her skinny little feet in my four-inch camel colored Louboutins. Probably the first time in our friendship, Sierra asked to borrow something out of my closet. She made eight months of pregnancy look glamorous, and Dodd, her husband of two years couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Adoration consumed his gaze, like she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was proud that she was going to be the mother of his children. No one deserved it more.

  She opened gift, after gift, after gift—all varying shades of pink everything. I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t miscarried. He or she would have been almost three. The image of a little one tearing the tantalizing Dylan’s candy centerpieces off the tables and trying to bury his or her wet body in the sand clouded my mind. I made a point over the years, to not let those thoughts linger. What-ifs were pointless.

  The Jack in Jack & Jill added a welcomed shower dynamic. The women were complacent to the same old shower traditions of oohing and aahing. But let’s be honest, a onesie was a onesie. And the guys called it like they saw it with plenty of alcohol to back their comments. At one point, Jackson had the room in tears when he heckled Dodd to try on one of those ruffled baby bloomers bedazzled in pink sequin letters, that read ‘spoil me.’ Dodd, who was pretty reserved and usually let Sierra steal the limelight, had his fair share of yummy champagne because he had no problem playing along. Of course Sierra, being Sierra, couldn’t let the opportunity pass. So while Dodd strutted his stuff, wearing a bedazzled baby bloomer over his shorts (how the hell it stretched, I’m still not sure), Sierra playfully got on her knees and lasciviously waved her finger and suggestively winked at her husband. Yes, her mother and grandmother were in the room, their faces blending into the crimson tablecloths. I almost peed my pants. Literally. Good thing I had Kegel power. Otherwise I would have looked like I broke my water. My crotchless panties would have held in nothing.

  There were also a few touching moments as well. Jackson and the boys over-exaggerated their “ahhhs” just in time to keep the mood from getting too serious. Sierra teared up reading my card to my unborn honorary niece that accompanied a wardrobe of purple and red. I was over the pink the day after Sierra found out she was having a girl.

  There wasn’t a dry eye in the room when Sierra’s mom toasted to her daughter in a beautifully written letter emphasizing that having a child defined her happiness and wished that for Sierra. Along with a trust covering college and grad school—just in case.

  But my eyes were probably the only ones that welled when Chase pulled a gift out of thin air. I should have been surprised, since he only found out about the shower the prior morning. But then again—Chase was Chase. It wasn’t the gift that touched me, not that a year of unlimited spa services for a new mom was anything to poopoo. But it was the why. Chase made light of his generosity, toasting, “A happy mama makes a happy wife ... makes a happy husband.” Then he whispered in my ear, “A happy Sierra makes for a happy Blue. Things are probably going to change once the baby comes. Sierra’s probably not going to have as much time. I got you a matching package, so at least you can count on some quality girl time. A happy Blue makes a happy Chase.” His thoughtfulness leveled me.

  After the baby shower, everyone disbanded to do their own thing for a few hours. Sierra needed a nap. Jackson and Leanne decided to squeeze in a seal watching tour. And Kate and the girls opted for shopping in Chatham, only after a twenty-minute heated phone conversation with CJ, who, from what I gathered, accused her of wanting to “play for the other team” since she was sharing a room with one of the other nurses from the hospital. Yeah ... he was a loose cannon looking for any reason to start drama. How she was so blind, was beyond me. I left it alone. It wasn’t the time or the place.

  “Walk with me.” My fingers interlaced perfectly into Chase’s outstretched hand.

  I’ll go anywhere with you. My words were silent, but my eyes screamed it.

  “Where to, Dr. Generous?” I hoped he knew how moved I was by his olive branch to my best friend.

  He lifted our joined hands to his mouth and brushed a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist. “I meant it. I want you and Sierra to have that time together. You need it. But right now, the last thing I’m feeling is generous. If you don’t mind, I’m done sharing you for now.”

  “Then I’m all yours,” I whispered.

  We took our time strolling down the beach, with our shoes in hand. Even though it was midday and the sun was strong, you could always count on the crisp breeze coming off the Sound. With our fingers entwined, we walked to the water’s edge and sat in the sand, a few feet from where the powdery beige sand turned soggy. Chase was made for the beach, especially dressed in khaki linen pants and a white linen button down. The entire female race would have appreciated if he replaced every article of clothing in his closet to sport his beach attire.

  I chuckled, thinking of how every woman at the baby shower took turns ogling the man standing next to me. Hell, even Sierra’s grandma pulled me aside to tell me she finally figured out the expression: “He hurts my eyes, he’s so attractive.”

  We squished our bare feet deep in the dark wet sand while we silently watched the paddle boarders in the distance. The beach was otherwise empty in the late afternoon. As happy as I was for Sierra and for Chase being with me, there was still a looming melancholy in the air.

  “Tell me about the baby?” Chase asked. Before I concocted a bullshit response, Chase landed a blow on my heart. “Your baby.”

  No one had ever really asked about my miscarriage. Ever. When I said no one, I meant my Dad or Sierra. They steered clear of any and all topics baby related, until Sierra’s pregnancy, of course.

  “I wanted him or her,” I spoke the truth.

  It felt good to finally say it out loud, to finally admit it. I stared at the rolling waves, my safe haven, and kept talking. “I know it sounds crazy, but I never lumped the rape and getting pregnant together. I never even struggled with the decision. I was keeping the pregnancy. It was my baby—conceived from a nightmare, but still my baby. I wasn’t going to hold the sins of a worthless man against an innocent child. That’s why I pressed charges, even though I knew I couldn’t win. But I needed to try. To do anything to make sure that bastard could never come near us, never have any claim to my baby.” I angled myself closer to him and watched the questions scroll across his eyes.

  “I’m not judging. Fuck knows I’m in no place to judge anyone. But why did you wait to press charges? Why’d you think you would lose?”

  “I’m a social worker, for god’s sake. I know how the system works. There was no physical evidence. I screwed up. I was in shock and humiliated. All I wanted to do was forget, block out the world. I showered for so long that night, the water was colder than this ocean.” I kicked at the wave rolling over my toes. “I knew better, but I did it anyway. I literally scrubbed the evidence away. On top of that, I stupidly
forgot to lock the front door that night. No forced entry. It was my word against his. No witnesses. Everyone knew he was my ex, who I had willingly been intimate with for years. And after the little scene he made the night before in the bar, making it look like he broke up with me ... it would have taken a defense attorney all of two seconds to establish reasonable doubt. Hell, you were there. You saw the faces of those jurors in court that day. They all believed I cried rape.”

  “I didn’t.” The words rolled off his tongue without hesitation, while his eyes told me he meant it. He believed me.

  “When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to do the right thing. Not for me, but for my child. Even if the charges got dismissed, even if it made me look like the bitter knocked-up ex-girlfriend lashing out at the guy who dumped me. Even if he followed through with his threat to sue me for defamation of character. I needed the truth on record. My baby needed the truth on record. But when I miscarried ... everything changed. Everyone’s body language screamed you lucked out; you dodged a bullet. But it didn’t feel that way, not to me. When I got back from the hospital that night, fuck-face’s cousin showed up at my house and rudely reminded me how weak my case was, especially since fuck-face had a credible alibi—him. He promised to not sue for defamation if I dropped the charges. As much as I hated him, deep down I didn’t believe he would ever be a risk to another woman, and my own desire for justice was not worth bankrupting my father. My dad would have spent every last dime defending my honor if they wound up suing me. I would never do that to him. I dropped the charges the next day.”

  “Fuck, Blue. It kills me to think of what you had to go through.” Chase softly held my cheek. I pressed my face harder against his palm in response.

  “Thanks.” Thank you for looking at me like you are, right this second.

  “I’ve always known you were strong. You’re pure steel, baby. I’m in awe of you.”

  “I think ... I kind of like pure sweet better.” I quietly chuckled. Because this man did that for me.

  We stared into each other’s eyes for at least a minute. A minute was amazingly long. Our connection had the fine hair on my arms standing. I knew he would gladly take on the burden of my memories if he could, adding to what he already carried on his broad shoulders. To give me peace. Because that’s what you did when you cared for someone. When you loved someone.

  But those were not the words Chase spoke when his lips parted. Instead he said what I never had the courage to admit to anyone. Not even myself. “You loved your baby. Don’t be ashamed to admit it. You put your unborn child’s needs ahead of your own grief. That’s what a real mother does. You’re going to be a wonderful mama, Blue. You ... are amazing. You’re everything I’m-” Chase looked back down at the at the sand. He never finished that sentence, but my gut told me it was more about him than me.

  His words repeatedly crashed over me, much like the waves now crashed closer to our bare feet. I’m gonna be a mama one day, I can only hope. The tide began to change.

  I lifted Chase’s chin to look at me, like he had done to me a million times before.

  “Thank you for saying that. Do you have any idea what your understanding means to me?” I used his words. “But there’s something you’re not telling me.” I paused. “Truth?”

  Chase deserved to feel a little lighter. To drop some more of the weight. He’d just allowed me this; I wanted to do the same for him.

  “Trust me, Chase. Please ... truth.”

  “I don’t deserve your trust, Blue. I don’t deserve you.” His vulnerable words stunned me, but I was not letting him run away again ... not from this conversation ... not from me … not from us.

  “Don’t you dare.” I used more of his words. They were my weapon until he saw the man I saw. “Stop putting me on a damn pedestal. I do trust you. I need you. Why can’t you see that?” I kicked the sand. I needed him to realize how much I trusted him. Why couldn’t he see it?

  “Because I’m a selfish fuck-face, too.”

  What? That was so far from the truth. I didn’t believe it for one second.

  I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me. “No. You. Are. Not.” There wasn’t a question in my mind. Not possible.

  “Stop, baby. Listen to me. No. I’d never rape a woman. Not like that sick fuck, but I’m far from a fucking saint. The night of the accident, when I was too busy getting laid, I was also too goddamn selfish to stop when I didn’t have a condom.” My stomach sank. “I convinced Talia it’d be okay, I’d take care of it, I’d pull out. Because a fucking horny drunk eighteen-year-old, who happened to get lucky a handful of times, had any control over shooting his load. I was such a selfish fuck.” Now he kicked the sand, disgust in his eyes. “Fuck. She was Kimi’s best friend—hell, she was one of my best friends. And you want to know how I took care of it? The man you trust? When she came bawling her eyes out to me a month later, scared shitless because she was pregnant ... how I took care of her? I tossed her a few hundred bucks and told her to get rid of it.”

  My eyes widened and the sick feeling in my stomach began to rise. All I pictured was a scared shitless kid who just lost his sister and now had to deal with another sad mistake.

  A mistake. Why couldn’t he see that?

  “Hell, I even had the balls to be pissed at her. Told her I couldn’t believe she didn’t just handle it herself, that she had the fucking nerve to put this on my plate after everything my family was going through with Kimi. The girl was fucking terrified ... terrified, Blue. Damn, she lost her best friend too, and worse, fuck—she told me she was in love with me. Instead of stepping up and supporting her to make her own decision, I used her feelings for me. Told her if she really loved me, she would get an abortion and never bring it up again. Fuck.” He forcefully raked his hands through his unruly hair. “I didn’t even go with her. I never even saw her again after that conversation.” He pulled his knees up and tucked his head between his legs. I saw the weight on his shoulders. “I took her choice away. That makes me no better than selfish fuck-face.”

  His guilt on so many levels all made sense. Even Asher’s response, after I went all filter-less and spewed about my unplanned pregnancy, made sense now. He told you? Our fucked up pasts shared so many commonalities, no wonder Chase feared our relationship. That we were unhealthy. I was the reminder of everyone he felt he failed all those years ago. Hell, he went as far as to parallel himself to a rapist. But he was the furthest thing from a selfish fuck-face. He was just a kid who had to live through some really shitty, sad and unfortunate events. And spent a lifetime beating himself up, literally, trying to make up for what was out of his control.

  I straddled over Chase’s legs to face him. My hands rested on the sides of his abdomen. Over the characters that sent a chill down my spine. First do no harm. His reasoning replayed in my head—it’s a reminder.

  “You are nothing like that bastard. Do you hear me? You are a lot of things ... generous and sweet, sexy and playful. You are intense and bossy, possessive and jealous, but you are not selfish. And you are not dangerous. You were a kid and really shitty things happened. None of which were your fault. And I’m sure, without a doubt, that Talia eventually realized how much pain you were in when you acted out. You were just as scared and lost as she was. And no matter how bad you feel about your behavior, it was still her choice. You didn’t take that away. You need to forgive yourself. Trust me ... if she loved you like she said she did—she forgave you years ago.” I should know, because I love you.

  “It doesn’t matter if I spend the rest of my life making up for all of it, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the reason my own sister and child are dead. I killed them.”

  Chase opened his mouth to keep talking, but I’d heard enough. So I responded the only way I knew Chase would hear me. Even if I jumped up and down screaming it’s not your fault, words were futile. I leaned forward and showed him he was worthy of forgiveness and love. My love. My kiss was tender and long.

 
When I pulled away breathless, I still saw a hint of doubt behind those grey eyes.

  “How can you look at me with those beautiful eyes, Blue, knowing what I’ve done? How can you block all of it and not see him when you look at me?”

  “Because, I can.”

  Something shifted in his eyes; I got through that tough exterior of muscle. He believed me. He trusted me. Since I had his words to thank for penetrating, I inched forward to seal the deal and kissed the tip of his nose.

  I couldn’t deflate my swollen heart if I tried. Everything finally felt right. Felt peaceful. No more secrets, no more doubts. The cold saltwater lapped against our legs. Our bottoms were wet. The tide changed and it was perfect.

  Chase’s smile reached his crystal greys. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

  Oh here we go again.

  I giggled. It felt good to giggle. My Dr. Playful was back. Hopefully for good. “No, why don’t you tell me? I thought I made it clear that I’m over the guessing game. It didn’t work so well for us, remember? I’m a much bigger fan of truth.” I playfully brushed my fingers through his hair.

  Chase looked more serious, still relaxed, but intent. “I love you, Lili. That’s truth.”

  Oh my god.

  Was I really hearing the words I had hoped to hear for weeks now? Deep down I knew he loved me, his actions showed me, but I convinced myself the words wouldn’t make a difference.

  They made a difference.

  They made a huge freaking difference.

  They made it real.

  “Truth ... I love you too, Chase. I love all of you, even the parts you can’t seem to love about yourself.”

  For once, if life threw in a pause during our moment I would have freaked. The man I loved was sitting on my favorite beach telling me he loved me. There was no way in hell this wasn’t playing out live.