Beautifully Awake

by Riley Mackenzie

  “Not yet,” he mouthed, pulling me close. Chest to chest, I heard the erratic beat of his heart and his labored breath. He struggled for any ounce of control exposing his vulnerability. The heartache in his gaze was desperate; he was crumbling.

  “You are strong enough, Chase.” I lifted my sunglasses, exposing my eyes. He needed our connection, our calm. “If I could give you just one thing in this moment it would be to see yourself through my eyes. To see just how strong you are. How special you are. How you’ve taken the most horrendous tragedy and created nothing but pure sweet.” The tears he tried so hard to control spilled over. I gently ran my finger along the edge of his jaw, wiping them away. “Oh Chase, she loves you, she’s not mad at you, she never was. She would have never wanted you to live your life with this bottled-up guilt. Let it go—for her, for you, for us.”

  It was as if I told him it was okay. Okay to finally let it out. The tears that streamed from his eyes were not angry or guilty; they were tears of relief and forgiveness.

  I enclosed my arms around his waist and hung on as his body trembled. I squeezed tighter. He rested his forehead against the top of my head. I listened to his heart hammer against his chest. His warm tears slid down my cheek, mixing with my own. We stood in silence for a long time, until our breathing regulated and our hearts slowed before he finally released me. He raised my chin so our lips could meet.

  He choked on a whisper. “I love you is not enough, Blue. Thank you, baby.”

  I ran my hand across his cheeks and he did the same for me. He tucked me into his side, where I fit perfectly. This space was made for me. This was my safe place.

  “There’s something else I want you to see,” he uttered against my temple.

  We continued down the stony path and the distant sound of running water became closer. The pathway bordered by green hedges opened into a serene sanctuary. I had an instantaneous calm overwhelm my mind. Chase clutched me closer and sucked in a single sharp breath. My eyes welled with tears, understanding how difficult it was for him to seek this closure. I dragged a finger under my wet eyes and absorbed the entire expanse. A tall, modern copper wall was flanked by stacked natural stone shorter walls. A single, smooth curtain waterfall plunged from a horizontal opening at the top of the wall. The waterfall cascaded into a shallow rectangular pool where three simple elevated square copper tiles acted as stepping stones. The water feature was peaceful and perfect.

  Chase led me across the water to a single stone bench that was angled to capture the entire oasis. A simple In loving memory inscription was engraved into the stone seat. We stood in silence staring at the bench. Under her name was the proof of how truly short her life was cut. Her birthday was February 7th. And of course that meant Chase’s birthday was February 7th. I realized we had never talked about our birthdays. And the date of her death just in July. July 10th.

  The memories of that day in July came flooding back to me. The bloodbath in the operating room, the kiss and the one-sided phone call I listened to. He was talking about his sister that day. The call was from his father. The she was his mother.

  Chase released me and walked to the edge of the pool. “I’ve only come here once. I came when they finished construction, because I had to. The designer insisted I was present for the final walk through. I never came back. She would have liked it here. It’s peaceful.” His solemn voice was barely heard over the waterfall. His eyes were fixed on the crashing water. My heart was breaking all over again. Just another reason why he felt guilty. His shoulders slumped forward and he let go of the breath he was holding. He sighed. Was the remaining weight lifted?

  “It’s perfect, Chase.” I placed my hand in his. He looked down at our connection and led us back to the bench. We both sat while life paused. Chase closed his eyes. I only imagined what was going on in his mind because he spoke not another word. Maybe he was saying goodbye or I loved having you as my sister or you were my best friend, or thank you for being you. I wished that someday he would share his unspoken words. But for now I took solace in the fact that he brought me to the place he had never been able to come.

  I angled my body to face him on the small bench and gripped his hand tighter. “Chase, you never need to be okay with Kimi’s death. Her precious life was cut insanely short and that was not okay. But you need to accept her death without anger and guilt. It was not your fault she died. Ever. Tragedy happens every day and it’s no one’s fault. It’s just life. She would want you to be happy and to love yours. You have an amazing life. You aren’t betraying her. She will always have that place in your heart.” I ran my free hand along his cheek, wiping away several more tears. “I love you so much, Chase, so much.”

  He focused on me. “Thank you, baby … for helping me find my way.” He found my lips and kissed me tenderly. I craved his touch. Selfishly craved my safe place. “Let’s go home.”

  “Mmm.” I buried my head against his shoulder and hugged him tightly. That sounded amazing. Home with Chase could have been in outer space or behind a garbage can. It didn’t matter. He was my home.

  25

  We're good

  “Oh god, I missed this.” I peeled my cheek from the super soft pillow and cracked my eyes open.

  Chase slid glasses on my face and a steaming hot latte in my hand. “Girl coffee, beautiful.” Holy hell, his smile freaking killed me. Even at this ungodly hour.

  “Mmm. You’re my lifesaver. Personal delivery, too, I’m a lucky girl.” Pretty sure I purred. I sat halfway up against the oversized leather headboard. It took all of three seconds for my body to remind me it was still pissed with me for last night. Deservingly so. What about two bottles of red and three rounds of begging for more and harder was a good idea on a work night? My head throbbed.

  His smile turned wickedly sexy. “Damn straight, baby. Did someone have a rough night?”

  “Ummm, ya think?” After the day we had yesterday, it was pretty easy to lose ourselves to each other into the wee hours of the morning, even though I knew the stiff price I was going to pay today. So totally worth it. If it kept his smile and those glistening eyes, I would have suffered through sleep deprivation and a killer hangover any day of the week. Hands down. No question.

  “We’ll have a quiet night tonight, promise. Make up for lost sleep.”

  Over my dead body. I half smiled and sipped my girl coffee. Oh yum. And not just the coffee. A quiet night together sounded ... perfect.

  “I have a crazy day in the OR, but we can sleep at your apartment tonight. Sound good, baby?”

  What part of that didn’t sound good? My smile got bigger.

  “Fuck, Blue, whatcha smiling at?”

  “You want to sleep with me again?”

  “Ya think?” I loved that he repeated my words, but his eyes were the furthest thing from joking. “You are it for me. I want you in my bed. Tonight. Tomorrow … every night ... forever.” He brushed his lips against mine and my butterflies fluttered. Hell, my heart fluttered.

  “Um wow. I like that truth.” There wasn’t a scene in any romantic movie or book that held a candle to this moment.

  “Truth. You want the honest truth? I love you, Blue, more than anything.”

  This man had the ability to stop my heart with just a look. I love you wasn’t even close to covering what I felt. Not by a long shot. Truth.

  Chase ran a hand down my hair and stood from the edge of the bed. He was already dressed for the OR in his scrubs, looking ... amazing. The beat beneath my chest started again and my mouth watered, as I not so subtly roamed his body with my hungry eyes. All I wanted was to feel his body against mine, get lost in where I ended and he began. It was all I’d ever want. Forever. I finally got what he meant every time he said mine. He was mine.

  “See something you like?” He smirked.

  “Mm-hmm.”

  “Baby, if you don’t stop looking at me like that I’m never gonna get out of here.”

  “Truth. Sounds perfect to me.” Now I smirked.
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  “Ahh fuck, you’re killing me. You know scrubs don’t hide a hard-on very well.”

  I laughed. He had a point there.

  Leaning down, he kissed my nose. “Text you in a bit, see how your day is going…”

  “K.”

  So was this my life? I sunk back into the fluffy pillows and sighed. I wanted this to be my morning every morning.

  With each click of my heels against the hospital floor I thought of all the work I had waiting for me after missing yesterday. Even a mound of insurance paperwork couldn’t dampen my good mood.

  Rounding the corner to the pediatric nurses’ station, a familiar face made my smile grow.

  “Hey, you!” Sam looked up from his tablet. “Whatcha doing up on peds? Hanging with the kiddos getting ready for your babe?” I smiled. Sam was gonna be a great dad.

  “Hey Lil, yeah, I wish, but no. Unfortunately we have a kid with a head trauma.” My stomach plummeted. Kimi’s gorgeous face flashed before my eyes. “Twelve-year-old boy, bike accident, no helmet.” We both shook our heads. Really, no helmet. “Poor kid came in over the weekend. Luckily didn’t need surgery, but ER attending hooked him up to the KimCore unit. Not sure if Colton even knows yet.” Sam frowned. “He wants us rounding on everyone on the unit.”

  “Oh, right.”

  Two months into his internship Sam had already lost that nervous hesitance that new doctors had when talking about patients. He sounded like an old pro, casual and confident passing on routine information to a colleague. But it was anything but mundane to me. I immediately felt a personal connection to the little boy and completely understood why Chase was so adamant his team follow and take care of every patient on his unit. His medical device was what saved brains, and in return, kept Kimi’s memory alive.

  Sam probably saw the melancholy squeezing me. “Don’t worry, Lil.” If only Sam knew what was actually squeezing me. My gut. My heart. From here on out every time I heard about a patient with a traumatic brain injury I was going to relive the nightmare all over again. I finally understood Chase’s daily struggle. “Looks like the kid’s gonna do fine. Was probably a soft call to hook him up to begin with. They’re way more aggressive with the kids, trying to prevent any long-term brain damage if they can. He’s already rewarming. Plan is to pull the tubing today.” Sam was rambling as my mind was wandering, but the word tubing caught me by surprise.

  “Tubing?” He was getting a little too technical for me. I was lucky I got the concept of hypothermia at all. At least I thought I got it. Cool the body temperature down for a day or two, help reduce brain swelling and hopefully wind up with less damage in the end. Then slowly rewarm the patient for another day or so to avoid the bad stuff that could happen if you didn’t. That was the extent of my understanding, which was fine with me. But after my personal guided tour this weekend, I’m not sure Dr. Brillant would have been impressed with my layperson’s synopsis.

  Already bitten by the teaching bug, Sam explained anyway. “It’s actually a catheter, like a huge IV, attached to tubing—that’s why we call it that. Goes in a large vein in the groin. When we pull it out it can bleed like a bitch, so we basically have to stand there and hold pressure for half an hour. They make a sandbag contraption that can hold pressure for you, some of the other attendings use it, but it’s not good enough for Colton.”

  “Oh, okay.” That was a lot of information that I probably could have done without. Catheter in the groin, lots of bleeding. Yeah, probably didn’t need that visual so early in the morning. “Well I’m glad the kid is doing well, glad the tubing is coming out. I’ll have to stop in and visit him later.”

  “I’m gonna head in now and see him, if you wanna come.” Sam started down the hall.

  “Um no, I’m good, you go. I’m going to find the peds’ residents and run the list. I’ll check in on him later.” I was not ready to go into that room. I needed a minute, a pause to pull myself together.

  “Okay, see ya later, Lil,” Sam responded, sensing my hesitation.

  My great mood unfortunately dampened. I didn’t want it to, but I couldn’t help it. After meeting with my peds’ team—all of whom were pretty cool, thankfully—I retreated to my office for some quiet alone time with my heap of paperwork. But I got nothing done because I was too distracted. I couldn’t get the kid up on seven off my mind, wondering if Chase heard about him and if it was affecting him the way it affected me. Shit. And these weren’t even my demons to fear. How was it possible to deal with it daily? Choosing a career in a field of medicine that had the power to trigger his worst memories on a daily basis just proved how completely selfless he truly was. I loved him more for it, but it didn’t stop me from worrying about him. It had to be pure torture some days. Even though he had made such big strides this weekend, I feared he could fall back into his black hole of grief and guilt. It was so easy to slip, too easy.

  By noon, I needed a little fresh air and made a pit stop at my favorite food cart. I opted for decaf tea over any more coffee and a scone from Jorge then picked a bench by the river. My phone chimed.

  Hope you’re having a better day than me.

  Xo

  Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I hoped he was talking about being swamped.

  Crazy busy too.

  Miss you, xoxo

  “Lili, you’re back?” My back stiffened at the sound of my name.

  “Hey, Guy.” Time was up.

  “Colton’s slammed, first minute I’ve had all day. Needed a little fresh air before I lost it up there.”

  “Yeah, it’s beautiful out here, nice breeze coming off the water.” Oh crap, I resorted to talking about the weather. Shit. Shit. Shit. What was my alternative? That stinks how crazy busy you are, must be because your boss took yesterday off to pour his heart out and spend time with his girlfriend—did I mention that’s me?

  “Yeah, end of August usually sucks. It’s like a wet towel slapping your face.”

  Oh this was so not going well. He totally engaged in my weather bullshit. I glanced down at my chiming phone.

  How about you show me how much.

  Where r u?

  Of course Chase had a minute now. It was obvious they were in between cases, hence Guy standing in front of me. But I owed Guy a little time without interruption. Hell, I owed him some sort of explanation. Not only had I left him on the dance floor and run off, I ignored half a dozen texts asking to talk all weekend. Our friendship was important to me. Chase needed to wait.

  Can’t right now :(

  Xo

  There was a fifty-fifty chance Dr. P would accept that response kindly, even with the xo, but I pushed send anyway and shoved my phone in my bag. Guy focused on the river; the air between us more awkward than ever.

  “Sit.” I patted the open seat on the bench next to me. We were both acting so weird. I hated every second of it. “Um,” I stuttered, not knowing how to even start or what to say. I just wanted to make it right again.

  He rested his arm along the back of the bench and faced me. “I’m sorry, doll,” he blurted before I could formulate a thought. “You know about the other night, about kissing you. I just thought, um, well I guess I had the wrong idea. I just thought we were on the same page. I guess I misread you. We just have so much fun together...” His gaze drifted back out at the water, avoiding eye contact. I fiddled with my nails.

  “We do, Guy. I’m the one who needs to apologize. I never meant for you to think of our relationship as anything more than friends...”

  If I was being honest with myself, there were a dozen times over the past few years I contemplated a relationship with Guy, thought of us as more than friends. But none of that mattered now. Because as amazing as Guy was, the truth was I was lucky to maintain a friendship. I was preoccupied with sleep-running through life. But that had all changed. Chase changed that. I wished I could explain that to my friend sitting in front of me. He deserved that and so much more.

  “I really love you as my friend. Does that so
und stupid? I don’t want anything to change, but I understand if it has to...” I cringed at my last statement. I didn’t want anything to change.

  “Where were you yesterday?” Was this his way of deflection, not wanting to address where our friendship was headed? Kate made it pretty obvious “everyone” knew where I was.

  “Oh. I had Sierra’s baby shower in Cape Cod this weekend. We didn’t get back until yesterday. She needed help getting settled.” Why did I lie? I sucked at lying, but for some reason I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth. Was it lame I didn’t want to hurt his feelings?

  “Trip from the Cape can be a bitch, especially with traffic, huh?”

  My breath hitched and my stomach sunk at Chase’s sarcastic and irritated tone. Shit. Caught. Was he really standing behind me right now? Guy looked over his shoulder. If he didn’t know I was lying before, he definitely knew now.

  “Hunter, glad I found you. I want you and Jackson to scrub on my two o’clock, big spine case.”

  “Oh, okay. Thought you only needed one of us.”

  “Changed my mind,” he deadpanned.

  “All right, I’m gonna head in then. Thanks, Colton.” Guy did the classic man smile and nod toward Chase, visibly pleased with his extra operating time this afternoon. “See ya later, Lil. We good?”

  I smiled. “Yeah Guy, we’re good. See you later.” Guy stood up and walked back toward the hospital. My nervous stomach gurgled. Chase leaned against the back of the bench and crossed his arms over his chest. His stance was unnerving. I waited to turn around. I had a feeling we weren’t good.

  “You lied?”

  Yup. Shit. We were not good. I had no explanation. I had no excuse, none, and worse, I wasn’t even sure why I lied.

  “Is there a reason you didn’t just tell him you were with me?”

  “I don’t know.” That is the truth. “But he knows we’re only friends, I made that perfectly clear, but I don’t know ... it was awkward and I felt ... bad.”

  “Blue, listen to me. I know I have a tendency to be jealous, but I’m trying very hard here. I trust you ... completely. I know where we stand. And I also know how important your friends are to you. I fucking love that about you. But Hunter should know about us. You’re not doing him any favors tiptoeing around his feelings. It’s not a secret anymore. Not that it’s a concern to me, but I know you care about the guy. How do you think he’s going to feel when he’s the last to realize that you’re mine? Forever.”