The Heartbreak Cafe

by Melissa Hill

  He looked gobsmacked. ‘Commitment-phobe? In the middle of all this craziness have you also somehow forgotten I’m married to you?’

  But Jess wouldn’t hear of it. ‘It’s true; you’re not willing to commit to fatherhood because you’re too busy travelling the world and going to fancy restaurants and cocktail parties, and you’re completely focused on your career –’

  ‘Jess are you talking about me or yourself? Because travelling the world and going to restaurants and cocktail parties and focused on a career sounds a hell of a lot like you too. So if those things make me shallow, what do they make you?’

  Jess knocked back the remainder of her wine in one go. ‘I’m a woman who wants a child but has a husband who is too selfish to give her one,’ she said self-righteously.

  Brian stared at her as if unsure what to say or do next. ‘Actually, I think you’re drunk and I’m already tired of this subject.’

  ‘Yes yes, always tired … always running away.’

  ‘Spare me the raving shrew act Jess, and please just go to bed.’

  With that Brian walked out of the room, and Jess sat there, staring into her empty wineglass. Her selfish? How could he say that when she was the one willing to commit everything to the idea of starting a family?

  Her head was spinning as she slowly got up off the couch and went upstairs to the bedroom. Well, maybe he was right about one thing; she was a little tipsy.

  Should she go into the kitchen and apologise to him? No, she thought determinedly; let him apologise to her. She had nothing to be sorry about. After all, he was the one depriving her; it wasn’t the other way around.

  Eventually, she collapsed into bed and fell into a fitful sleep and a night full of dreams in which she continued a heated argument with Brian.

  The dreams were so intense and seemed so real that Jess woke up the following morning still completely exhausted. Her head pounded with a ferocious wine headache and she felt groggy and hungover.

  She sat up slowly in the bed, realising that Brian was already gone. Or had he slept here at all?

  Snippets of last night’s conversation came rushing back, and she felt terrible.

  In all honesty, she wouldn’t blame him if he hadn’t come up to bed last night; she had behaved like a nagging old shrew and Brian never reacted well to that – what man did? As it was they rarely argued, and had always had a blissful and untroubled marriage up to now.

  But there was no denying that a rift was starting to develop between them. She was absolutely convinced she wanted a baby, yet Brian seemed equally convinced he didn’t. Or more to the point, convinced that her reasoning was based only on some random fixation.

  A sliver of unease surged through her; what if they couldn’t resolve this?

  If Brian couldn’t come round to her point of view, and wouldn’t agree to even discuss having children, what would that mean for them as a couple?

  It would mean that they would be forever on the outside looking in at their friends sharing the different happy stages of family life; christenings, birthday parties, even college graduations. It would mean that they would of course end up losing touch with those friends, as soon they would have practically nothing in common.

  And then as the years went by she and Brian would continue to work, go on holidays, eat out in nice places and wear nice clothes, but then what?

  How long could they realistically continue to do the same things without getting bored, not only of life, but of one another?

  Jess felt a shudder as she imagined her future, and from this vantage point, it looked very, very lonely.

  Chapter 20

  The bus pulled up outside Clery’s on O’Connell Street and Nina got out. As she did, she eyed the other passengers cautiously, hoping that none of them would recognise her or worse, start chatting about where she was going. She could have taken the commuter train from Lakeview either, but it was much more expensive and money was tight. Not to mention that the bus took her right where she wanted to go.

  Still she didn’t want anyone from Lakeview to know that she’d come to Dublin today to pick up maternity wear.

  As the weeks went on, it had become harder and harder to fit into her old clothes – or worse to hide her bump beneath them, and it had got the stage where she knew she had no choice but to get something more suitable.

  She couldn’t do this in the village of course; despite the lovely boutiques, someone would be sure to ask questions and Nina still wasn’t ready to let the whole world know her business.

  As it was she had been keeping a low profile since the blow up with her father. She tried to avoid meeting him and usually tried to leave or return to the house during times when she knew he would be out and about. She knew she was being a coward about it, but she still felt guilty about what she had said to him.

  She had been spending lots of time at the library with Trish, rummaging through the archives and on occasion interviewing some of the older Lakeview residents for interesting stories that might suit the project.

  Thankfully, since their argument, Patrick hadn’t said anything more about her pregnancy, although he hadn’t said much to Nina about anything at all really. It was as if there was an unspoken truce between them; he seemed content to let her stay until Cathy’s return in September, but until then she was on her own.

  This suited her in any case; the last thing she wanted was to be answerable to her father but in truth, she was grateful that he hadn’t pushed the subject any further.

  Now as she made her way across O’Connell Bridge towards Grafton Street, she shook her head. Never in a million years did she think she’d be searching for maternity clothes like this – all furtive and cautious.

  She spent a little bit of time browsing in Mothercare and marvelling at all the pretty little baby clothes and toys before moving on to M&S, where she hoped to pick up some nice clothes for herself. It was weird, but seeing all the tiny garments and paraphernalia in the shops somehow made it all seem real. Not that she’d known full well that it was real (there was no denying the changes in her body or the dreaded morning sickness!) but the sight of all these things made her think more about the end result, about what it would be like to physically hold this tiny person in her arms.

  It was a scary thought certainly but she had to admit, an incredible one too. Or at least it would have been if things had worked out the way she’d hoped; the way she’d assumed. She knew she’d have to think about going for another scan soon, and perhaps thinking about what hospital she’d attend when the time came. She’d sort of been putting that off until now, content in the knowledge from her first scan that all was well. And in truth, she’d sort of hoped that Steve might have in the meantime got in touch, maybe asked her to come back to Galway. But of course that was just her being silly… Why would Steve ask her to come back? And if he did, what would be the point in her doing so?

  Flicking through a rail of maternity tops, Nina bit her lip, trying hard to contain the tears that were threatening. Damnit, she shouldn’t be thinking of Steve, and certainly shouldn’t be feeling maudlin about it.

  ‘Nina, is that you?’ she heard a voice from nearby say. She looked up to see a face that was familiar but which she couldn’t immediately place. Her confusion must have been evident because the woman continued. ‘It’s me, Jess. I’ve been into the café in Lakeview a few times – I’m a friend of Emer and Deirdre’s?’

  ‘Oh yes, of course!’ Nina smiled politely but inside she was annoyed. So typical that she would bump into someone she knew, and although this woman wasn’t from Lakeview, she might as well have been. Nina had soon learned that the two women she’d mentioned could be quite gossipy, although in fairness, Jess had always come across as very kind and sweet. ‘Sorry, I didn’t recognise you there for a moment.’

  ‘Just in the city for the day, are you?’ the other woman enquired pleasantly.

  ‘Yes. I was um …’ She followed Jess’s gaze towards the clothes she’d been looking a
t. Damn, had she been rumbled? The maternity wear was right next to the office wear section in which Jess was browsing. Could Nina pretend she’d just wandered into the wrong department by mistake? ‘Oh gosh, silly me. Here I was looking for some new shirts.’ But she had never been a good liar and she suspected that Jess could see right through her.

  ‘Yes, the office wear is fantastic here. I’m sure the maternity wear is too, if you need that kind of thing,’ she laughed lightly, and luckily it did indeed seem as though she hadn’t noticed anything untoward.

  Then Nina remembered a recent conversation she and friends had been having at the café. Jess was pregnant too, wasn’t she?

  ‘I guess you’ll need this stuff yourself soon,’ she joked, but one look at the woman’s pained expression suggested that she’d got it all wrong. Oh no, Nina thought immediately realising that she’d put her foot right in it. What a thing to say, especially when she wasn’t sure if … oh hell.

  ‘Well, maybe someday.’ Jess’s smile was tight.

  ‘I’m sorry, I ….’ Nina decided the best option was to come clean. ‘I just remember your friends mentioning something about it in the café, but I must have got it wrong, I really hope I haven’t offended – ‘

  ‘Please don’t apologise. It’s not your fault and I can completely understand why you’d assume that. The girls can be a bit … full on about all this. Yes, I would like to have a baby – sometime,’ she added gently, ‘but it’s not quite an option at the moment.’

  ‘Oh.’ Nina’s heart went out to her and she understood completely what Jess meant about her friends. Despite her own initial misgivings about Trish’s reaction to them, she’d got to know Emer and Deirdre quite well from the café; and they could perhaps be described as ‘mumzillas’.

  ‘I think the girls would love it if we could all be mums together, but of course it doesn’t always happen like that and …’ she paused, as if suddenly realising she was speaking out of turn and to a complete stranger. ‘Anyway, it’s nice to see you Nina, and enjoy your shopping.’

  Jess went to turn and leave, but before she did Nina found herself asking; ‘Um, do you want to catch a cup of coffee or something? I was just about to, so if you fancy it …’ She wasn’t sure why she’d asked, but there was just something about Jess, something vulnerable, that made her want to chat to her for a little bit longer. ‘I owe you one after shooting my mouth off like that.’

  Jess looked genuinely delighted. ‘Thank you; that would be lovely.’

  The two went upstairs to the store’s in-house café and chatted for a little while over cappuccinos. Nina discovered some more about Jess’s work at the drinks business which sounded fascinating, and she in turn told her all about Cathy and her travels abroad.

  ‘Six months is a long time, you must miss her a lot,’ Jess said and Nina nodded.

  ‘You have no idea. Staying with Dad is OK, but it’s just not the same.’

  ‘I can imagine. So were you living with your Mum before she took the trip or – ’

  ‘Oh no, I’ve lived in Galway for years but I moved back when I broke up with my boyfriend,’ she said, fiddling with a small packet of sugar. She smiled tightly. ‘Things didn’t end so well.’

  ‘Sorry to hear that,’ Jess said, and again Nina was amazed at how easy she was to talk to, and what a relief it was to have a conversation with someone who wasn’t full of questions all the time. Trish was forever asking her about Steve and what had gone wrong, and Ella regularly tried to draw her out as to how long she’d be staying or what she’d do next. It was almost liberating to be with someone who wasn’t constantly in her ear.

  ‘So what other drinks do you do that I would know?’ she asked Jess, referring to her work at Piccolo.

  ‘Well, there’s our newest one G-Force – it’s an energy drink,’ she told her. ‘Of course Porters is the big one, and the one we hope will eventually hold its own with Guinness. Then there’s Stingray, our main cider drink, aimed at the student market really – have you heard of that one?’

  ‘Of course, although I can’t touch a drop these days unfortunately,’ she laughed, momentarily forgetting herself.

  ‘For the same reason you were shopping in the maternity section downstairs?’ Jess said levelly and at first, Nina wasn’t sure she’d heard right.

  ‘What…?’

  Now it was Jess’s turn to be dismayed. ‘My mistake, it’s absolutely none of my business, and I shouldn’t have said anything, but I just assumed when you mentioned not drinking …’

  ‘You’re right,’ Nina said, with a resigned sigh. She was going to have to admit it to someone sooner or later and she didn’t think she had anything to fear from Jess knowing the truth. ‘It’s not exactly public knowledge yet though. Hell I haven’t really told anyone else yet, what with Mum being away and everything ...’

  ‘Well, I won’t breathe a word,’ Jess said, and was Nina mistaken or was there a slight catch in her voice? ‘And believe me, I truly didn’t mean to put you on the spot like that either – there’s nothing worse than some old busybody –’

  ‘It’s fine honestly. And as you can probably guess it’s part of the reason I needed to get away from Galway.’ To her dismay, tears came to her eyes yet again. Damned hormones.

  ‘Oh Nina sweetheart, are you OK?’ Jess fished in her handbag for a tissue.

  ‘Thanks,’ Nina sniffled, feeling like an idiot. Why had she landed this poor woman, practically a stranger, in the middle of all of this? ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Hey, don’t be sorry, I’m sure you have to deal with a lot of new emotions right now, never mind the usual ones.’

  ‘Exactly.’ Somehow Jess had managed to nail it all right on the head. From day to day, Nina hadn’t a clue how to feel … about Steve, her father, the baby – anything and it was liberating to be able to talk about it all out loud. ‘I don’t usually dump my problems on someone else.’

  ‘You’re not dumping anything, you’re simply sharing them and that’s always a good thing.’

  Nina felt so comfortable in her presence she couldn’t believe it. Jess seemed like the only person she knew who wouldn’t judge her; wouldn’t ask questions or start making assumptions.

  And perhaps for that reason alone, she decided to confess all.

  ‘It’s just all been so crazy,’ she said wiping at her nose. ‘You see, I don’t want Steve, the father to know anything about it and …’ she took a deep breath, deciding for once to be honest with someone or more importantly, honest with herself. She looked away, unable to meet the other woman’s eyes. ‘Jess, honestly, I’m not even sure I want this myself.’

  A few days later, Nina was at the café helping Ella and trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to get her mind off her meeting with Jess.

  Why had gotten into her to tell all those things to a stranger?

  Not that Jess was a stranger per se, and she had been especially lovely, but really Nina should have known better than to let her guard down like that. Jess probably thought she was a heartless cow talking about how she wasn’t sure she wanted to keep the baby, especially when she herself was trying for one.

  But in fairness, Jess hadn’t batted an eyelid at Nina’s confession and had instead nodded sagely and told her that yes, of course she would have mixed feelings about it all, given the break-up of her relationship and the part the pregnancy had played in it.

  ‘Are you OK Nina?’ Ella inquired now as she added cream cheese icing to freshly baked carrot cake. ‘You look distracted.’

  Nina looked down and realised that it was taking her ages to do something as simple as prepare a pot of tea.

  ‘Oh. Sorry, I was miles away.’

  ‘Are you sure you’re all right? You look a bit pale today. Here, have some cake.’

  Nina had to smile. The older woman was forever trying to fatten up her up with cakes, muffins and the like – almost as if she were another one of what her mum referred to as Ella’s ‘sad rescue cases’. Well, perhaps she was.


  ‘Honestly Ella, I’m fine. I’m just thinking – that’s all.’

  ‘Well, you seem to be doing a lot of that lately,’ her boss joked but there was truth in her words. ‘Anything I can help you with?’

  ‘No no, nothing at all.’ But Ella stayed watching her, as if waiting for her to change her mind. Nina figured she’d better think of something, otherwise Ella would be on at her all day. ‘Well, actually, did you know my mum and dad back when they were together?’

  Ella’s face changed a little, as if this was completely different to what she’d been expecting. ‘Of course I remember. Why do you ask?’

  ‘Well, I just wonder sometimes about … well … why, they got together. As you know, me and Trish keep finding all of these snippets and articles about mum, and it just seems that dad was her polar opposite. There’s nothing about him, or at least nothing we could find.’

  ‘Well, I don’t think old newspaper clippings will tell you much about your parents’ relationship,’ Ella pointed out.

  ‘Oh I know that, but I suppose it just makes me even more aware of the differences between them. They’ve always seemed to me like such an odd couple, the last two people you’d put together.’

  ‘I think that’s a little bit unfair. Your dad might be a bit set in his ways, but I know he absolutely worshipped the ground your mother walked on.’

  ‘Yeah, but it seemed like most of the men in this town did,’ Nina laughed proudly. ‘Which makes it even harder to understand why she chose him.’

  Ella began folding a tea towel. ‘I suppose your dad had certain qualities that appealed to your mother. Compared to the most of the men in this town he was mature and intelligent, quiet and restful, and from what I can remember treated her like a princess. Not to mention that he was quite handsome back in the day.’

  Nina decided to bite the bullet. It had of course been bothering her since the day of the argument and she’d been waiting for the opportunity to ask. Now seemed as good a time as any. ‘Was it a shotgun wedding Ella?’ she asked bluntly.