The Heartbreak Cafe

by Melissa Hill

  But instead, since the day of the party, he’d been keeping her at a distance – as if she was breakable or worse as if she’d done something really terrible. Which in a way Jess admitted shamefully, she had.

  As a result, everything seemed anti-climatic. After all this time she’d expected that it would all feel really gratifying and exciting, but it was far from it.

  By contrast, Emer was getting along famously and had already set up a room for the new baby and started buying lots of clothes and toys. She’d urged Jess to join in but her heart wasn’t in it, not when Brian was so far refusing to participate.

  She’d wished for so long that things could be different and now they were – but not in a good way.

  Since the day of the party, she felt draped in loneliness and knew it was because the fun that had been a huge part of her marriage had disappeared almost overnight. She missed Brian and she wished she could get back the spirit of the man that she knew. Ultimately, she wondered now if all of the early baby mania she’d laid on him had been a big mistake.

  What’s more she was also figuring out that her friends’ lives might not be that perfect after all, and the more time she spent with them, the clearer this became.

  For instance, despite her baby news, Emer and Dave seemed to be experiencing some major tension in their marriage, and Jess wondered if her friend’s surprise pregnancy was an attempt at a band-aid baby. If so, what did that make hers; a banana-skin baby?

  Because it sure as hell wasn’t mending her marriage; if anything it was killing it.

  Thinking back, she realised that her life had been altogether fine with Brian before she’d become obsessed about starting a family. But of course, now she’d gone too far and was wondering how she could attempt to fix it, when the bedroom door opened quietly.

  Brian entered and Jess sat straight up in bed, hoping against hope that he would show some sign of wanting to be close to her.

  ‘Hey,’ she said, smiling softly.

  ‘Don’t let me disturb you, I just need to change my clothes and then I’ll leave you alone.’

  ‘No, you don’t have to leave me alone. I don’t mind the company.’

  Brian barely looked at her. ‘But you must be tired.’

  ‘No, really – stay, please.’ Jess heard his barely imperceptible sigh, and felt as if her heart was ripping in two. ‘So, how was work?’ she asked, wondering why this felt so hard. Before this, their conversation had always been so effortless whereas these days it was stilted and hard to come by.

  ‘It was fine.’

  ‘Anything interesting happening?’

  ‘Same old, same old for the most part.’

  Jess bit her lip realising she wasn’t really getting anywhere. ‘Well, I’m glad you’re home.’

  ‘So, have you made that appointment with the doctor yet?’ he asked quietly. ‘You know – about the … situation.’

  She reddened. ‘Not yet – I haven’t really had the time, what with work and everything …’

  Brian looked at her and slowly shook his head. ‘Jess, what do you want from me?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Again, what do you want from me?’

  Did he mean he didn’t want to accompany her to the doctor’s? Well, that was fine by her. ‘I don’t want anything from you as such … obviously I just want us both to be happy.’

  ‘And do I get a say at all in the matter? Do I get a say in anything?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You should know exactly what I mean, Jess. These days, I feel like I don’t know you anymore. Our whole marriage has been built on trust and mutual respect, but lately you have been crazy, absolutely crazy. The whole obsession with this baby thing, and now….’ he threw his hands up in frustration. ‘I mean, announcing such ‘news’ the way you did in front of the whole world.’

  ‘Look I know that was out of order and I said I was sorry…’

  ‘Don’t you understand? A while ago you were calling me self-centred and superficial! You just want it every way don’t you?’

  ‘Brian please…’

  ‘No Jess, seriously!’ He held a hand up to stop her. ‘I don’t know what to do for you, I really don’t.’

  ‘But I don’t know what you mean! All I want is for you to love me –’

  ‘I’m trying, but I have to be frank, you are making it very hard at the moment,’ he interjected his tone hard, and Jess’s breath caught in her throat.

  ‘I’m sorry Brian, really I am. I love you and I just wanted what was best for us.’

  ‘Best for us? You think all this was best for us?’ Brian now echoed what she’d just been thinking. ‘You know I wanted children too, but I truly felt we should do it on our terms, instead of on your stupid friends’ terms. Why the competition?’

  Now Jess felt tears run down her face. ‘I honestly can’t explain it. I just felt so… left out, like we were being left out …’

  ‘Well, you should be proud of yourself then, because now we’re just like everyone else, with the same problems the rest of them have. Have you ever even opened your eyes to Dave and Emer? The two of them are always sniping at each other these days. Or are you just seeing the bull that Emer wants you to see?’

  Jess wanted to agree with everything that he was saying, because it was exactly the same thing she’d been thinking, but she found herself unable to speak.

  ‘Look Jess, I don’t want to upset you, not while you are…pregnant.’ He seemed to struggle with the word. ‘You should rest and …I have some work to do.’ He collected his clothes and left the room.

  Jess could not nothing but remain motionless on the bed, listening to his footsteps echo down the stairs and away from her.

  When much later at around three am, she woke up in the darkness and reached her arm out to Brian’s side of the bed, hoping he would pull her close and welcome her into an embrace. Exploring the area she opened her eyes tentatively, allowing them a moment to adjust. He wasn’t there.

  Jess felt her chest tighten. He hadn’t come to bed last night? Why not? And more to the point, where had he slept instead?

  Slowly getting out of bed, she went out of the bedroom and tiptoed downstairs. The house was in full darkness and she felt her heart sink as she realised that Brian didn’t simply doze off at his desk while working or something.

  She passed the study. All the lights were off and the computer was shut down.

  Jess headed for the next door down the hallway and opened it silently. The room was dark, but she could hear him breathing heavily, the way he did when he was sleeping. She stood back, unable to believe that he had purposely slept in the guest room. She tried to tell herself that perhaps he had done it out of consideration, so that he wouldn’t wake her when he came upstairs, but she couldn’t force herself to believe the lie.

  She knew better and what’s more he had never done that before. He never hesitated to come up after working late and slide into bed next to her, giving her a good night kiss whether she was fast asleep or awake.

  This was something different. Since her big announcement, he didn’t want to be around her.

  Jess shook her head as she remembered her behaviour of the past few months; it was almost as if she had been possessed, that someone else had been controlling her mind, someone with a crazy baby obsession.

  She wished she could have seen things the same way Brian had; that they should wait till the time was right, wait for them to both be on the same page. But instead she’d just ploughed ahead; and in the process had purposely driven a wedge between them. And for what? Just so she could have something in common with her friends?

  Overcome by so much emotion and regret at that moment, she almost collapsed onto the floor. She couldn’t believe that this was all her doing, that everything had been fine until that day at Emer’s house, the day after her birthday.

  Who had she become? This wasn’t like her.

  Jess shook her head as if trying to throw off the fog that
she’d been living under for the last few months. Why hadn’t she seen it before? Did she really think that she was cut out for motherhood? What had she done?

  She quickly went through her options, trying her utmost to stay calm and focused, as if this was just another project that had gone awry.

  How could she fix this? How could she set things right with Brian and their marriage? How could she repair what she had done?

  After all, she had a variety of mistakes to clean up and really, the question was what should she start fixing first, the current problems in her marriage or the ensuing problems with whole ‘baby situation’?

  A million different thoughts raced through her mind all at once. Jess really didn’t know what to do, but glancing down at her flat belly, she realised she would have no choice but to do something soon.

  Charlie and Ruth wandered aimlessly through the shops in Lakeview.

  Over the last few weeks they’d really enjoyed easing back into their relationship, and taking the time to get used to one other all over again.

  Her parents had been over the moon upon hearing of their rekindled romance. ‘Oh my goodness, it’s almost like something from a movie!’ her mother declared and Ruth and Charlie exchanged an amused glance.

  ‘If so, it’s possibly my best role to date,’ she joked, laughing happily.

  ‘So does this mean Charlie’s going back to LA with you?’ she asked.

  Ollie shook Charlie’s hand. ‘I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for, mate,’ he said to him.

  ‘Well there’s kind of something else to consider before we decide that …’ Ruth began, tentatively breaking the other piece of news.

  Ollie stared at Charlie, faintly impressed. ‘Boy, you’re a fast mover,’ he declared, and they looked so pleased that Ruth almost didn’t want to ruin the jovial mood by telling them the truth. But she had no choice.

  ‘That eejit?’ her mother said, referring to Troy.

  ‘I never knew you felt like that,’ Ruth said, faintly shocked, ‘but yes, now that you say it, he is an eejit.’

  Charlie grinned and put an arm around her. ‘He’s even more of an eejit to let this one slip through his fingers,’ he said gently, and by the beaming smiles coming from both parents, Ruth suspected that although they were taken aback by this unconventional arrangement, they weren’t unduly concerned. Their only daughter had been surprising them for most of her life, so this was really nothing new.

  However up to this point, regardless of all the other plans they’d been making, very little had been said about her return to LA. She’d talked to Chloe and her agent in the meantime and had been purposely vague about what her plans were.

  As much as she wanted to put down roots with Charlie, she knew she still had commitments in L.A. and would have to return soon, especially when the show started filming again in a few weeks’ time. It was now September, the plan had been to return to LA at the end of the month, and she hadn’t yet made arrangements to do so, so she knew Erik would be getting antsy. There were already a couple of missed calls from Chloe on her mobile, and she’d been avoiding checking her emails on purpose, for fear that they’d start putting pressure on her to return.

  Ruth was living in denial and she knew it. Here she was practically playing house with her old and (now new) boyfriend, almost four months pregnant and still undecided about her future. These days Lakeview was feeling very much like home, which for Ruth was a surprising feeling, and she was shocked and ultimately panicked by this notion, especially when she remembered the career she’d worked so hard for.

  Today, she was doing a very good job of keeping those thoughts at bay, as that afternoon, she and Charlie wandered around town, picking up various bits and pieces in the shops. She had to admit; she was really looking forward to going shopping for cute little things for her baby, and knew she’d really enjoy dressing her son or daughter up when it was born.

  They were leaving a shop hand in hand, chatting merrily and enjoying the day, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a flashbulb went off in Ruth’s face. It hadn’t happened in what felt like so long that she was stunned, almost forgetting that just a few short months ago she’d had photographers chasing her like she was Lindsay Lohan.

  ‘Hey!’ Charlie yelled, shielding Ruth from the photographer who was becoming increasingly aggressive. ‘Back off!’

  The photographer ignored him, instead, shouting in Ruth’s face. ‘Is it true you’re knocked up?’ he said, pointing a lens at her middle.

  ‘No comment. Leave me alone,’ Ruth snapped, shielding her face and throwing a protective hand over her bump. This guy clearly wasn’t local, as no one from the Lakeview News would have the nerve, or indeed the lack of manners to speak to her like that.

  ‘Whose kid is it? This guy’s or Troy Valentine’s?’

  ‘Get away from her!’ Charlie grabbed Ruth’s hand and pulled her into a nearby restaurant, shutting the photographer out.

  He ushered her inside and sat her down at a table, asking a waitress to please get her a glass of water. ‘Are you okay, love?’

  ‘Oh no.’ She put her face in her hands. ‘It’s going to be all over the place now. Oh no. We have to leave, we have to get out of here!’

  Charlie clasped both of her hands in his. ‘We can go wherever you want. But do you really think they’re going to swarm you again? It’s been ages, maybe that’s just a random guy.’

  ‘Charlie – you don’t understand, they’re going to be all over this – especially if they think it’s Troy’s.’

  He looked pained; obviously this was something he was foreign to. ‘I’m sorry, I … ah … I’m not sure what I should do.’

  ‘Well we need to get out of here anyway. Let’s go to your house … although no, I don’t want them knowing where you live, if they haven’t figured it out already …’

  In the end, they managed to arrange for a taxi to pick them up, and drive them to Ruth’s house via one of the back routes, in the hope of avoiding being followed by the photographer.

  She’d phoned her mum to give her an advance warning, and her parents, who’d had some experience of this type of thing over the years, knew exactly what to do. The sight of Ollie with his hunting gun at the end of the driveway was usually enough to put off even the most enthusiastic newshound.

  When they got back to her place, Ruth paced the floors; she knew it was only a matter of time before someone started calling her to confirm the story, and asking for her comments.

  She sighed, she supposed she’d been lucky that it had taken them this long to sniff it out. She wondered how that photographer had known, though? He obviously worked for one of the Dublin tabloids.

  She tried to avoid thinking about it, but her thoughts kept coming back to Trish and her reaction to the news in the library that time. She really didn’t want to think that way and truly hoped that her friend wouldn’t have sold her out, not when she was just now realising what she wanted out of life.

  The rest of the day passed slowly as Ruth, Charlie and her parents sat on the sofa watching TV, while Ollie kept a close eye out for any unwanted visitors. Ruth was trying her best to relax, but she could almost feel the anxiety radiating through her body. She kept staring at the clock, trying to figure out what time it was in L.A. and realising that every second that passed was one second closer to when the news broke out on some gossip blog like TMZ or Perez Hilton.

  Finally, she could take the suspense no more. Getting up from the sofa, she went upstairs to the small room beside her bedroom that Ollie used as a study. Sitting down at the desk, she flipped open a laptop and powered it up.

  Charlie appeared in the doorway. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Just checking something.’

  ‘Checking what?’

  Ruth’s mouth set in a hard line. ‘Something I haven’t looked at in months.’

  It was true, since she’d become more comfortable back in Ireland; she hadn’t attempted to look at any of the celebrity gossip
sites or blogs because somehow the distance made them less relevant.

  Charlie was looking over her shoulder. ‘I can’t believe people read this stuff,’ he said, his tone full of disdain.

  ‘This is big business, darling.’ She waited impatiently for the site to load, and at that moment her cell-phone rang. She fished it out of her pocket, feeling nervous as she recognized the ring-tone that belonged to Chloe.

  Taking a deep breath as she looked at the display, she accepted the call. ‘Hello?’

  ‘For the love of all things holy, why didn’t you tell me?’

  Ruth’s heart sank. So the news had broken then. ‘I’m fine Chloe how are you?’ Ruth said wryly. ‘And because it is no one’s business but my own, that’s why.’

  ‘Well you could have mentioned something so that when someone calls me at least I could be prepared, instead of letting them catch me off guard.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Ruth said glumly. ‘Surprise!’

  ‘So it is true then? Jeez, I can’t believe it! What the hell are you still doing over there anyway? And whose baby is it? That new boyfriend of yours?’

  Ruth knew just how easily she could say yes and get all of this off her back – the LA press wouldn’t be interested in an unknown like Charlie, the story would soon fizzle out and she could have a normal life.

  But there was only one problem – well two actually. Chloe was the one who’d bought her the morning after pill, and she’d already told Troy the baby was his. She couldn’t bear getting into a case of he said/she said, not about the paternity of her child. That would only make the story hotter.

  ‘His name is Charlie by the way; we used to date way back when I lived here.’

  ‘How wonderful,’ Chloe said dreamily, although Ruth couldn’t be sure if this was said with a hint of sarcasm. ‘But still, it is Troy’s isn’t it?’

  ‘Yes,’ Ruth said swallowing. ‘He knows and he isn’t interested so –’

  ‘Have you checked out TMZ? He sure as hell seems to be interested now!’