What was wrong with her?
She left the hotel behind her and kept walking, away from the harbour and along the boardwalk that led to Big Ray beach.
Had she become such a small-town hick she’d developed an aversion to fast traffic and bright lights?
She walked slowly along the beach, mid-week quiet with only a few people enjoying the surf, not taking her usual joy from the sight of the aquamarine water. She didn’t even look out for the big, black manta rays for which the beach had been unofficially named.
At the north end of the beach, where the sand ended, she clambered over the rocks that divided Big Ray from the next beach. It was low tide and the rocks were fully exposed, smelling of salt and seaweed and the occasional whiff of decay from some poor stranded sea creature. She climbed down the final barrier of rocks onto the sand of the neighbouring beach, Wild Water, which had waves so violent and rips so dangerous only the boldest of adolescent surfers braved its waters.
Was it because she feared being alone with Sam?
With the rocks behind her, ahead of her was a stretch of white sand, bounded by rocks again at its northern end. To her right was the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean. To her left was the freshwater river with its clear, cool water.
She slipped off her sandals and scuffed her feet in the sandbar that blocked the estuary of the river from flowing into the sea. The sandbar had appeared after the last big storm to hit the coast. It would just as likely disappear in the next one. In the meantime, the thwarted river pooled into a wide stretch of safe, shallow water. Her parents had taught her and Emily to swim here. She remembered again her father’s endless patience and encouragement.
On one side were sand dunes, on the other bush straggled down a slope right down to the banks of the river, stands of spotted eucalypts reflected in the still waters of the lagoon. The beach bordered national park and there wasn’t a building in sight. Sometimes kangaroos came down to the surf and splashed in the shallows, much to the delight of visitors, but there weren’t any today.
This was one of her very favourite places. When she’d been on tour, tossing and turning in yet another uncomfortable hotel bed, she’d closed her eyes and envisaged its peace and beauty. In the first rapturous weeks of her romance with R—she could only bear to think of him by his initial—she’d told him about this place and suggested he come with her to see it. Thankfully he had scorned the idea, and that meant it was untainted by memories of him.
She inhaled a deep breath of the fresh salt-tangy air. And another. And another. Somehow she had to get herself together. If she couldn’t get her thoughts in order here, she couldn’t anywhere.
Dolphin Bay was her safe place. This place was her safest of the safe. But had she somehow transformed a safe place into a trap from which she could never escape?
* * *
Sam sat in the back seat of Ben’s car, headed north to Sydney on the Princes Highway. There should have been laughter and banter as they started to celebrate in time-honoured style Ben and Sandy’s last nights of ‘freedom’ from matrimonial chains.
But an uncomfortable silence had fallen upon the car.
Kate.
No one wanted to mention her. No one wanted to express their worries about why their friend had reneged on part of the wedding arrangements she had so wholeheartedly thrown herself into. He, who had known her for such a short time, was eaten up with concern about her.
How had she become so important, so quickly?
The car passed the last petrol station on the far outskirts of town.
‘Stop the car,’ Sam said. ‘Can you pull over here, please, Ben?’
Ben did as directed, bringing the car to a halt on the side of the road.
‘Do you need to visit the little boy’s room, mate?’ asked Jesse.
‘No,’ said Sam. ‘I’m going back for Kate.’
The sound of the combined intake of three sets of breath echoed through the interior of the car.
‘Good,’ said Sandy at last. She twisted around from the front seat to face Sam. ‘There’s something wrong. I’m worried about her. Really worried.’
‘Me too,’ said Jesse. ‘It’s unlike Kate to pass on the chance of a party.’
‘She wouldn’t come to Sydney with me to help me choose my wedding dress, either,’ added Sandy. ‘At the time I thought she wanted me to have time just with Lizzie. Now I’m not so sure that was her reason.’
‘Should we all go back?’ asked Ben.
‘No,’ said Jesse. ‘It should be Sam. When it comes to Kate, Sam’s the man.’
As he got out of the car, Sam nodded to Jesse in unspoken male acknowledgement of what his words had meant.
‘Tell her how much we want her to come,’ Ben called after him. ‘Kate’s been so good to us. It won’t be the same without her.’
Sam didn’t have to wait long to hitch a ride back into town. Once back at the hotel he dumped his bag and went to look for Kate. Her mobile went to voice mail. Neither her mother nor sister answered the phone at their home. Finally, the girl at the hotel reception told him Kate wasn’t on duty but that, after the boss and his fiancée had taken off for Sydney, she had seen her heading in the direction of the beach.
Sam strode out towards the boardwalk to Big Ray beach. The surf beach was practically deserted. He spied a lone set of small, female-looking footprints just above the waterline. The footprints tracked along the length of the beach right to the end where the rocks took over. Shallow, swirling waves were encroaching and starting to obliterate them. He remembered Kate telling him about the idyllic place she loved on the next beach. The footprints turned out slightly, ballet-dancer style. He took a punt they were hers.
* * *
Kate sat in the shade of a grove of overhanging gum trees set back from the water’s edge. She wished she could have a swim but the one thing her capacious handbag didn’t hold was a swimsuit. When she was younger she wouldn’t have hesitated to strip off her dress and swim in her underwear in the welcoming waters of the lagoon. She would even swim nude on a day like this when there wasn’t another soul in sight.
She wouldn’t risk that now, not since R had insinuated into her psyche such doubts about her body, her sexuality, her desires. Not since her attacker had taunted her about her provocative dance moves and her immodest stage outfits.
These days she kept everything buttoned up: her emotions, her desires, her needs. She realised, with a sharp stab of despair, that she had barricaded herself against intimacy, against love, against feeling.
Against allowing herself to admit the depth of her attraction to Sam and enjoy to the full the pleasure of being in his arms.
She sat hunched over with her arms wrapped around her knees, lost in the thoughts that spun around and around in her brain. How had she come to this, sitting alone on a beach, when the life she wanted went on around her?
When she was younger the restrictions of small-town life had chafed her. She’d thought the best view she’d ever see of Dolphin Bay would be in the rear-view mirror as she’d left to go to university in Sydney. Back then, she’d been full of hope and ambition and dreams of seeing the world. She’d never imagined she’d come back to Dolphin Bay as anything other than a visitor to catch up with her family and old friends.
She shut her eyes. The muted rhythm of the waves crashing on the nearby sand was near-hypnotic. A breeze gently rustled the branches of the trees above her. It was like she was going deep inside herself to dark places she had never wanted to see again. Deep. Deep. Deeper.
She didn’t know how much time had elapsed before the sound of dried twigs crunching underfoot and a shadow falling across her made her snap back out of the trance and her eyes flew open.
She blinked at the light and then focused on the unexpected intruder in her solitary reverie.
‘Sam? What are you doing here?’ She shook her head to clear her thoughts, pasted on her best smile. ‘This is a surprise.’
He smiled back—that heart-wrenchingly wonderful smile—as he towered above her, his strong, muscular legs planted firmly in the sand. ‘What did I want to go to Sydney for? I live there. I can party in the city any old time.’ He’d rolled up his jeans; he was barefoot.
‘But...I saw you leave with the others...’
He shrugged. ‘So I came back. I thought I’d rather stay in Dolphin Bay and count the seagulls—or whatever you do for fun in this part of the world.’
In spite of herself, she giggled. ‘Stay still for a moment and you might see a goanna running up a gum tree. That’s nearly as much fun.’
‘Yeah. Right,’ he said with a grin. ‘I forgot to tell you, I don’t care much for reptiles, especially huge lizards.’
‘So you just happened to come upon me here?’ she said. Her heart leapt at the thought he might have sought her out.
‘I remembered you told me about this place when I asked you about good spots to swim. I figured I might like to see it for myself.’
‘So where’s your swimsuit and towel?’ she said in mock interrogation.
‘If I hadn’t encountered a certain redhead, I’d planned on diving in without the benefit of swimsuit or towel.’
She couldn’t help a swift intake of breath at the thought of Sam stripping off his clothes and plunging naked into the water. She had to mentally fan herself. ‘Oh, really?’ she said when she thought her voice would work again.
He threw up his hands in surrender. ‘Okay. You got me. I came back for you.’ His tone was light-hearted but his eyes were very serious.
‘For me?’ Her heart started to thud at twice its normal rate.
Now he dropped all pretence at levity. ‘To see if I could talk you into driving with me to Sydney. Just you and me. We could join the others later.’
‘Why would you do that when I’m just...just a business contact?’
He looked down at her and for a long, still moment their gazes connected so there was scarcely a need for words. ‘I think you know we’re more than that,’ he said finally.
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I believe I knew that from the get-go.’
She went to get up but she’d been sitting in the same position for so long, her right foot had gone numb and she stumbled. He caught her by both hands and pulled her to her feet. When she regained her balance, he kept hold of her hands. She was intensely aware of his nearness, his scent, his strength. There was no terror, no overwhelming urge to break free from his hold. Not in this safe place. Not with Sam.
‘Wh...what did the others think about you coming back for me?’
‘They couldn’t understand why you didn’t want to go with them.’
She gasped and the gasp threatened to turn into a sob. ‘Sam, can’t you see it’s not that I don’t want to go to Sydney? It’s that I can’t.’
She tried to twist away from him, embarrassed for him to see the confusion and worry that must be only too apparent on her face. But his grip was strong and reassuring and he would not let her go.
Slowly, he nodded. ‘I think I can see that now. Can you tell me what’s really going on, Kate?’
The concern in his brown eyes, the compassion in his voice, made her long to confide in him, though she scarcely knew him. She couldn’t lie to herself any longer that there was nothing wrong, so why should she lie to him?
She took a deep, steadying breath. ‘I’ve been sitting here for I don’t know how long, wondering what the heck has happened to me.’
‘You mean, the way you’re too frightened to go to Sydney?’
‘Is the...the fear that obvious?’ So much for her ‘nothing bothers me’ facade.
‘Not immediately. But as I get to know you, I realise—’
‘How constricted my life has become?’
‘The way you don’t seem to want to leave Dolphin Bay.’
She took in a deep intake of breath and let it out as a heavy sigh. ‘As I sat here, I came to terms with how my life has become narrower and narrower in its focus. The truly frightening thing is that I realised I hadn’t left Dolphin Bay for more than two years.’
He frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
She disengaged her hands from his, turned to take a step away so she could think how to explain without him thinking she was a total nut job, then turned back to face him. There was no other way than to state the facts.
‘Not just to go to Sydney but to go anywhere outside the town limits. I haven’t been to any of the places I used to enjoy. Every time someone wanted me to go to Bateman’s Bay for dinner, or to Mogo Zoo to see the white lion cubs, I’d find some excuse. I never made any conscious decision not to leave, it just happened.’
‘Have you thought about why?’
She could see he was carefully considering his words. Something twisted painfully inside her. Did he think she was crazy? Maybe she was...
‘I was beginning to suspect I might have some kind of...of agoraphobia. I...I looked it up at one stage. But I don’t have full-blown panic attacks, or need someone with me just to go out of the house. I feel absolutely fine until I think about leaving Dolphin Bay.’
‘It’s not a good idea to label what you’re feeling from looking it up the Internet,’ he said, more sternly than she had ever heard him speak.
She managed a broken laugh. ‘You’re right, of course. Self-diagnosis is kinda dumb. But one thing that did give me a light-bulb moment was that agoraphobia—even in its mildest forms—can have had some kind of triggering event.’
‘That makes sense. Have you thought back to when your fear started?’
‘Yes.’
‘Want to tell me about it? I’ve got broad shoulders.’
She shook her head, unable to speak. Ashamed of how she’d behaved, what she’d become, not so many years ago. ‘It’s...it’s personal. We don’t know each other very well.’
‘Maybe this is one way to get to know each other better.’ That damaged eyebrow gave him a quizzical look. If she ever got the chance, she’d like to ask him how it had happened.
‘You might not want to know me better after I’ve cried all over your shoulder,’ she said, trying to turn it into a joke, but her voice betrayed her with a tremor.
‘Let me be the judge of that,’ he said. ‘We’ve all done things we’ve regretted, Kate. I certainly have. I reckon whatever it is that’s causing your fear could be like a wound that’s got infected. You have to lance it to let the poison out or it will continue to fester.’
‘Maybe,’ she said but didn’t sound convinced even to her own ears.
‘Look around us,’ said Sam, with an all-encompassing wave of his arm. ‘There’s no one else to hear but me. And I won’t be telling anyone.’
She’d held everything inside her so tightly. It might be a relief to let it all out. To Sam. ‘Can we sit down? This might take a while.’
‘Sure,’ he said, casting his gaze around them. ‘How about a comfy rock?’
She giggled again, aware of the trill of nervousness that edged it. ‘This grassy ledge here might be more comfortable.’
‘Much better,’ he said, flattening the tall grasses that grew there before he sat down.
She sat down next to him, trying to keep a polite distance, but his shoulders were so broad, his arms so muscular, it was impossible for hers not to nudge them.
‘C’mon,’ he said. ‘Spill.’
She still wasn’t at all sure it was a good idea to talk to a man she liked so much about her time with another man. But maybe Sam was right—she needed to release the poison that had been seeping into her soul.
‘I...I had a bad experience in Sydney, when I was at university.’
> ‘With a guy?’
She shuddered. ‘I can’t bear to think about it. I can’t even think about his name. In my mind, I only refer to him by his initial.’
Sam tensed. ‘Did he... Was it...?’
‘No. Not that. I was more than willing to go along with him. That’s what makes it so bad, that I could have been so stupid.’
‘Or innocent?’
‘Maybe that too. I was in my third year of university in Sydney. We met on a vacation ski trip where we were all acting a little wild. He was the handsomest man I’d ever seen.’ She snuck a sideways glance at Sam. ‘Until now, of course.’
Sam snorted. ‘You don’t have to say that.’
‘But it’s true. Seriously.’
‘Huh,’ he said, but she thought he sounded pleased. ‘Go on.’
‘I fell for him straight away. Not only was he good-looking, he was funny and kind. Or so I thought.’
‘But it was all an act?’ Sam’s face was grim.
She nodded. ‘It was a...a...very physical relationship. I...I hadn’t had much experience. He got me well and truly hooked on him and how he could make me feel. I became obsessed with him. It was like...like a drug. Being with him became more important than anything else. I started missing classes, being late with assignments.’
‘And then he changed?’
She liked the way he seemed to understand, the way he listened without judging as she finally let it all out. ‘It became a...a sexual power game. I wanted love and affection but he wanted something much...much darker than that. He...he had me doing things I’d never dreamed I’d do. Humiliating things. Painful things. But he threatened me that if I didn’t go along with what he wanted I’d lose him.’
‘And you couldn’t bear that,’ Sam said slowly.
She looked down at the ground between their bare feet, not wanting to see on his face what he must think of her. ‘I thought I loved him. That I couldn’t live without him.’
‘And you thought he loved you too.’
‘That didn’t last. He’d been so full-on, but then he became distant. Unavailable. Not answering my calls. But when we saw each other, he’d reassure me nothing was wrong.’
The Tycoon and the Wedding Planner Page 10
