by Andi Bremner
“Melissa you have no right being here. How did you even get in?”
She managed a tiny smirk. “The key you gave me remember? So I can come over anytime.”
“You need to put that key down on the kitchen table and leave,” I told her, keeping my voice as calm as possible even though anger was pounding through my veins.
“Me?” She looked incredibly affronted by the suggestion. “Why should I leave? It’s her that needs to go.” She turned her venomous glare on Trinity. “Didn’t he tell you honey? Once he’s done you, you need to get lost.”
Trinity paled even more and stepped forward, “I was actually just leaving,” she said and I was surprised by how strong and sure her voice sounded. It was in sharp contrast to the pale face and the trembling fingers.
“Trin, you are not leaving,” I told her, my voice softening as I spoke to her, “Melissa is going and she won’t be returning.”
“I’m not going,” Melissa began, “I deserve an explanation. There is only so much of this I can take Luke. I know you need to do this, I know you need to spread your wild oats or whatever before we settle down, but I can’t have you flaunting it—flaunting her–in my face.”
“You will watch what you say and you will listen for the hundredth time,” I told her patiently, “we are over. There is no break. And you will not be speaking to Trinity like this.”
“What about last night?” she demanded. “We had dinner together. We talked about the future.”
I gaped at her. We had dinner with our families and they talked about a future I wanted no part of her. In fact I barely even listened to what they were talking about, so consumed I was in thoughts of Trinity. For all I know Melissa could be right and our wedding and entire future were planned out in minute detail over last night’s dinner party.
Suddenly a pounding started on the door and Trinity rushed across the room to answer it, brushing between Melissa and myself.
Molly hovered in the doorway. Her eyes darted between myself and Melissa and then back to Trinity’s, a question in them. I couldn’t see Trinity’s face but something passed between her and her friend.
“Ready, Trin?” Molly asked.
Trinity nodded and then turned back to me. “Thanks for rescuing me last night, I appreciate it. And—um—I’m sorry if I got in the way of anything here.”
For the first time I realized that she had her stuff, the clothes she’d worn bundled in her arms. She was leaving.
Oh hell no!
“Trinity wait,” I began, speaking in a rush, “do not listen to Melissa. She is crazy. Just hear me out.”
She shook her head. “It’s fine. Really. I have to go.”
“Trin—” I suddenly felt very panicky, as I reached out to her, grabbing her arm.
She flinched, jerking away from me as her eyes looked up to meet mine. I expected to see anger there, or resentment, maybe a bit of jealousy or sadness. Instead, what I saw made me move my arm away from her and step back.
Her blue eyes were like steel. Cold and hard. Flat and emotionless. They met and held mine for a moment, knocking the wind from me, sucking the air from my lungs. Then she turned her gaze on Melissa.
“I would say it has been nice,” she began, “but I would be lying. What I will say though is that I am sorry if I got in the way of whatever you have here. Honestly, I was just out for a good time and wasn’t looking to tread on anyone’s toes.”
Melissa suddenly softened, her jaw going slack. “It’s um—I guess it’s not entirely your fault. It takes two to tango.”
Fuck me, Melissa was pulling out the clichés now.
“Trin,” Molly touched Trinity, reminding her of her presence before Trinity nodded and hurried out the door. It closed behind her with a soft click and I was left staring at the smooth wood, waiting, hoping and praying that she would come back in. Once again a scene had played out before me and I hadn’t done a damn thing. I cursed under my breath and moved to the door. I wanted to chase her, I wanted drag her back and then keep her forever.
Melissa let out a whoosh of breathe. “Well thank god that little awkward scene is over.”
I stared at her and then all the hurt and anger I’d been feeling hurtled through me like a cannon ball. I curled my hands into fists as I advanced on her. She had the graciousness to flinch a little, which stopped me from actually touching her. Instead I got very close to face and dropped my voice to a whisper, the words biting at the back of my throat as I spoke them.
“Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here. And. Don’t. Come. Back.”
Then I turned and went back to my room to the sounds of Toby whooping and clapping.
****
Trinity
“Wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head as I stared out the window. The trees and houses whizzed past me in a strange blur and I realized it was because my eyes were full of tears. That little scene back there had affected me more than I wanted to acknowledge.
“I’m sorry about Tony,” Molly continued, “and about us girls forcing you to go meet that guy.”
“It’s fine,” I told her tightly, “none of us were to know. It’s no one’s fault.”
She fell quiet and I could almost hear the clogs turning in her brain. She hadn’t asked very many questions when I’d called her and asked if she’d pick me up from Luke’s but I knew they were there. I smiled to myself, appreciating the fact that Molly was biting her tongue for my benefit. You couldn’t ask for a better friend.
“So after I escaped Tony’s house Luke took me back to his,” I told her, still not looking at her, “and I stayed over.”
“I gathered as much,” she replied, “we were the ones who told him where you were. At first I was annoyed that he was going to go rushing in there and ruin what might have been our big break but now I’m glad. God, I could murder Tony for setting you up like that.”
“He might not have realized, “I said, “I’m just glad that Luke was there when he was.”
We fell silent again. Leaning back in the seat I closed my eyes and inhaled sharply.
“He really likes you,” Molly said quietly, “like really likes you.”
I shook my head. “He just thinks he likes me. He likes the idea of dating a girl in a band, he likes the idea of—something a little bit wild for a bit.”
“I don’t know,” Molly said, “I think it’s more than that. I mean, he looked so devastated that you were leaving. A guy who’s just in for a bit of fun doesn’t look like that over nothing more than a one-night stand.”
“That scene was a little bit nasty,” I reminded her. And he’d been with Melissa only last night before he came to find me. I didn’t want to admit it but that hurt. He’d told me he had a family thing but he’d really been out with her. Five years they had together. My week could not compete with five years. Not that I even wanted it to.
“You know,” Molly continued, and I could hear her choosing her words carefully, “it’s okay to let someone—a guy—get close, Trinity. Like I said before, you deserve it. You deserve someone who looks at you like he does.”
I shook my head. “I’m not saying I don’t deserve that because I believe you. I do. But Luke isn’t someone who will stick around. He’s someone who will break my heart. I can feel it. I’ve seen what a broken heart can do to a woman. I’ve seen what being in love can do, especially if it’s unrequited or unequal.”
“You’re talking about your mom,” Molly said quietly, “but your mom made her own choices. She’s the one who’s chosen to hang around and wait for someone who is never going to give her anything more than a few nights here and there. By giving someone a chance Trinity you aren’t asking to be treated like your mother has been.”
She pulled up outside Mark’s house much to my relief. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I just wanted to go home and forget everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours. Well, not all of it, last night with Luke… That I didn’t want to forget.
“Thanks for coming,” I told her cheerfully as I gathered up my stuff and climbed out, “you’re a great friend.”
“Anytime, Trin,” she told me, “and tell me you will think about what I said.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
Chapter Seventeen
Trinity
“So let’s take it from the start again,” Gwen began as Shawna tapped her drum sticks and led us into the song.
Closing my eyes, I listened to the beat and stepped up to the microphone just as my phone began ringing. Abandoning the song I flung myself across the room to grab the buzzing item.
“Jesus, Trinity,” Olivia laughed, as I whizzed past her, “expecting a call maybe?”
My insides turned over as I searched through my bag for my phone, heart pounding and my mouth dry. My hand curled around it and I yanked it out of the depths of my bag. My mom. Instantly my whole emotional state changed and I was gutted. And then disappointed with myself at the same time. For five days now I’d been jumping every time my phone rang or beeped with a text, for five days my eyes had automatically gone to the door of The Bean each time it opened. Searching and expecting, hoping, it was Luke.
For the first few days I pretended that wasn’t what I was doing but I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I wanted him to ring.
No I didn’t. Him ringing me was a very bad idea. I was right to end it when I did. It’d only been a few days. He had an emotional ex-girlfriend who seemed to be a permanent fixture in his life and I had my own problems.
But still… I wanted him to ring. I was disappointed when he didn’t. I sighed inwardly, feeling mentally exhausted every time I thought about my feuding emotions and my feelings towards Luke.
I clicked answer and brought the phone to my mouth. “Hi, Mom.”
“Trinity where the hell have you been?” she hissed down the receiver.
“I’ve moved in with a friend,” I told her patiently, turning my back on the band and lowering my voice.
“You what?” she shrieked, “and when were you going to tell me?”
I hadn’t told her. I hadn’t spoken to her since she’d pushed me over and cut my forehead. Automatically my fingers went to the healing scar on my head. The stiches were out but it would take a while for the scar to fade. The bruising on my ribs had gradually subsided too thank goodness, and I could now draw breath without wincing.
Even still. I’d moved out a week ago and she was only now phoning me to check where I was?
“I guess now,” I told her, hating how meek I sounded. My mother always did that to me.
“Well fine. Good for you. But what about me?”
I started at this. “What about you?”
“So you are just going to move out and never come visit again.”
That was pretty much the idea. For years my mother had all but ignored my presence in her life, and before that I’d been nothing more than an inconvenience, an accidental pregnancy that had ruined her life. And that just wasn’t just me assuming things and feeling sorry for myself, they were direct quotes that had been sprouted in my direction countless times over the years.
“I guess I can come visit,” I muttered but my insides twisted at the thought of going back to that house. But after all, she was still my mom.
“You’d better,” she warned, “your wild ways have caused enough worry for me and Kent these days.”
“Kent?”
“What you think your father doesn’t care about you?” she snapped.
Yes! I wanted to yell but didn’t. For years my mother had been telling me how ashamed he was of me, how my existence threatened the happy home he had with someone else and made her relationship with even more difficult. Never once, had she ever suggested that he might care, that he might be interested, or even that he might want to meet me.
“I thought I was an embarrassment to him,” I told her.
“You are. But he is not a coldhearted man, Trinity,” she said, “he cares about you. You think he likes knowing that his daughter is off throwing herself at guys and strutting around in revealing outfits? What you do affects him in more ways than one.”
I nodded as if I understood what she was talking about when I really didn’t. But I didn’t want to argue with her, I never did.
“So you will come over on the weekend,” she said, not asked. “And you have more stuff here that is yours.”
“Okay.” I told her and hated that I was agreeing to this. I needed more time, I needed more time away from her so that I could break the few fragile bonds that still hung between us. It wasn’t a healthy relationship we had, I was well aware of that, but it was the only familial relationship that I had and I guess I was scared of cutting all ties. That would mean that I was completely alone then and the coward in me in hated the idea of being entirely alone. I was scared.
When I turned back to the girls they were busy chatting amongst themselves, pretending they hadn’t heard my conversation with my mother. I swallowed, hating the shame I felt at other people knowing how unloved and unwanted I was by my own parent. Not for the first time did I wish I knew who Kent really was so I could over and reveal my existence to his wife and family. But I knew I would never do that. It wasn’t their fault and they didn’t deserve to be hurt any more than my mother or I did. Telling them would only cause them heartache and achieve nothing. And besides, who was to say they didn’t already know and turn a blind eye anyway?
Once, years ago, after my grandparents passed away and I had to start sleeping on the streets the need to confront him burned deep insides me. I’d begged my mother to tell me who he was, a last name, a street address, anything. That had only got me a slap across the face so after that I’d resorted to other tactics. I told myself, as I searched through the cupboards and drawers in her bedroom, that I had a right to know who he was. That I had a right to meet my own father.
I found nothing. Some cheap, tacky lingerie that made me sick to my stomach and a few scraps of jewelry that I recognized as gifts from him after he’d been MIA for longer than normal, but otherwise nothing. Not a photo, not a letter, nothing.
I’d googled Kent in our area but had come up with too many to follow up on.
It would be easy to think he didn’t give a shit about my mother if not for the fact that even after twenty years, he just kept coming back to her. Over and over again. If we were that much of a threat to his life, that much a hindrance, why did he keep coming back?
“So,” said Gwen now, casting me a wary look, “I’m guessing that wasn’t Luke.”
I shook my head, tucking my phone back in my handbag. “My mom.”
Molly snorted but didn’t say anything.
“Why don’t you just call him?” Gwen asked, “If you like him, call him.” It was simple for Gwen. You want something you go and get it. It wasn’t so simple in my world. I couldn’t even get my father’s last name out of my mother.
“Bad idea,” I muttered making my way back to the microphone. We were busy practicing the playlist the bride and groom had given Gwen for their wedding. Honestly, it was so sweet and sappy I wondered why they’d bothered to ask us to perform in the first place and I wanted to say no. To the songs at least, to the money, no.
“I can’t see why,” Gwen said, “Toby said he was hung up on you. You are obviously hung up on him. Easy as to me.”
I snapped my head up to hers. “Did Toby also tell you he has a long-term girlfriend? “
“That Melissa chick? She’s a bitch and they are over.”
I sighed. “She is a bitch. But he went out with her for five years. They had plans for the future, were going to get engaged, when he decided he wanted to take a break and sow his wild oats.” I stared at her hard, “don’t you get it? I’m the field he wants to sow?”
She made a face. “So what if you are? You can have a little fun Trinity.”
I shook my head. “Not me. I can’t have fun without my feelings getting involved,” I told them all honestly, “I wish I coul
d, but I can’t. As it is we saw each other like four times and I am already jumping when the phone rings and I hate it. I hate that he has had that effect on me. And as much as I wish he would call he hasn’t. That tells me more than what his words do.”
“He hasn’t called because you told him not to,” Molly reminded me, “because you cut him down in front of his mate, right after you’d spent the night. That’s gotta hurt a guy’s pride.”
I shifted uncomfortably. “Can we not talk about this right now?”
The girls exchanged glances and then shrugged. “Sure. Instead of talking about this romantic, sappy shit lets sing some Celine.”
I laughed at the irony. “Celine it is. Let’s start with My Heart Will Go On.”
****
We practiced enough Celine and Mariah that I thought I might go insane. I knew all the lyrics now, it hadn’t taken me long since they were fairly simple. When we finished Shawna and Olivia suggested we go out for a drink.
“I want to have a beer and listen to something that is not sung in an F Sharp,” Shawna explained and we all had to agree with her.
Houdini’s was the closest bar and we all agreed to go there. Briefly, I wondered if I might see Luke but I didn’t let my thoughts linger too long in that direction.
There were quite a few people in there when we walked in. Music was what I noticed first and it was loud, grungy and male. A far cry from what I’d been singing all afternoon. I grinned to myself, feeling better already as I followed Molly and Shawna through the crowd to find a table. Gwen and Olivia went to get us a couple of drinks.
Sinking into a chair I looked around. I’d been to Houdini’s before, it was a popular hangout for the more upmarket crowd, the college students. Gwen came here often and sometimes we’d tag along with her. She knew people here, whereas the rest of us didn’t.
A DJ played music and some girls were dancing, a group of guys standing on the edge of the dance floor watching them.
Over in a corner were a few pool tables that were occupied.
Despite myself, I scanned the crowd for Luke. I wished I wouldn’t do that and wondered how long until I stopped. I hoped it was soon. He was probably out with Melissa. I was sure they had rekindled their relationship. God, if my mom hadn’t been able to walk away from a fucked up relationship after twenty years what hope did Luke have?
